Break Up Advice Needed!
i've been dating a man who is in the military. he is currently deployed and will not be returning to the states until July 12th. we started dating a few weeks before he deployed so the majority of our relationship has been through emails, phone calls, facebook and skype-dates. we have been "official," for about 5 months..which doesn't seem like it's a long amount of time but it sure as hell feels like a lot longer. anyways,
while i care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own (example: he wants a military career, which involves constant moving around; i want to be a social worker who works with the same group of people in the same area for long periods of time, etc.)
he also wants to get married in the near future, which i definitely do NOT want. i have also developed interest in other men, and i am frustrated that i cannot pursue new possibilities because i'm attached to someone that i don't want to be attached to. i realize that i am not ready for the serious relationship that he desperately wants. i have wanted to end our relationship for weeks but i can't bring myself to do it because he is always telling me how much he "needs me," while he is deployed and that i'm the only thing that keeps him sane while overseas...but I'M going insane by having to pretend that i still have feelings for him. i don't think it's fair for either of us...
how do i go about ending this relationship a) without feeling like the wicked witch of the west b) avoiding unnecessary drama and c) preserving a friendship with him for the rest of his deployment so he isn't too lonely.
thanks in advance!
while i care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own (example: he wants a military career, which involves constant moving around; i want to be a social worker who works with the same group of people in the same area for long periods of time, etc.)
he also wants to get married in the near future, which i definitely do NOT want. i have also developed interest in other men, and i am frustrated that i cannot pursue new possibilities because i'm attached to someone that i don't want to be attached to. i realize that i am not ready for the serious relationship that he desperately wants. i have wanted to end our relationship for weeks but i can't bring myself to do it because he is always telling me how much he "needs me," while he is deployed and that i'm the only thing that keeps him sane while overseas...but I'M going insane by having to pretend that i still have feelings for him. i don't think it's fair for either of us...
how do i go about ending this relationship a) without feeling like the wicked witch of the west b) avoiding unnecessary drama and c) preserving a friendship with him for the rest of his deployment so he isn't too lonely.
thanks in advance!
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Replies
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Tell him how you told us. Without using harsh words. You said, "While I care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own".. You tell him that.
Tell him you're not ready to take the next step into marriage.
Tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship, either.
If you're not too harsh and you're very sincere, he should understand..
However, In the end, we don't know the guy, so we don't know how he will react to any type of break up.
Best of luck.0 -
Tell him how you told us. Without using harsh words. You said, "While I care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own".. You tell him that.
Tell him you're not ready to take the next step into marriage.
Tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship, either.
If you're not too harsh and you're very sincere, he should understand..
However, In the end, we don't know the guy, so we don't know how he will react to any type of break up.
Best of luck.
Agreed. Tell him the truth. Not about being attracted to other men, but how about your future goals are not compatible because A, B, C & D.0 -
Exactly what you told us... tell him.0
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Yeah, move on. He deserves someone who shares his goals.0
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Yeah, move on. He deserves someone who shares his goals.
As does she.0 -
Hurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.
ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.0 -
As a woman who was recently dumped let me tell you that the longer you wait to tell him the more it is going to hurt. Finding out that your partner has been having doubts for a LONG time hurts even more. You then begin wondering what parts of the relationship were lies and which were true. Just be honest, and let him ask questions. Because the WHY questions kill you later!0
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You'd be the wicked witch by letting it continue with no intention of stayinghow do i go about ending this relationship a) without feeling like the wicked witch of the west
Be straight up. No lies and brutal truth usually help here.b) avoiding unnecessary drama
The friendship would be up to him at that point. You can't force a friendship.and c) preserving a friendship with him for the rest of his deployment so he isn't too lonely.
thanks in advance!
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Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?0
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there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?
Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.0 -
Hurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.
ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.
Agreed. Especially if you have feelings for other men...it's really unfair to him to be pining for other dudes while he's assuming you're in a committed relationship. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way, and kudos for caring enough to want to do this the right way. A lot of girls would just do what they please with other guys while he's away (I know, my bf is in the military...it happens a lot). But I agree with others...just tell him what you've told us here. He'll be hurt, but he'll be ok. You both deserve people who you are compatible with. I think the friendship thing will take time, but like others have said, it's on him.0 -
there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?
Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.
she says she cares for him but doesn't want to date him anymore....break it off and move on. Stop with the cake and eat it too...its that useless dangling that string in front of him bull**** just to have someone there for you. Dump him and just move on. There's plenty of dudes out there for her.0 -
Don't beat me up for saying this, but maybe you should wait until he gets home to do this? He is serving our country. He is going through ALOT right now, do you really think he is in the position to deal with a break up? That is just personally what I would do.
But in the end, you're the only one who really knows him. We don't. Does he really "need" you or is he just saying that? You need to keep his best interest in mind and do what YOU think is best for both of you! Best of luck, girl!0 -
Don't beat me up for saying this, but maybe you should wait until he gets home to do this? He is serving our country. He is going through ALOT right now, do you really think he is in the position to deal with a break up? That is just personally what I would do.
But in the end, you're the only one who really knows him. We don't. Does he really "need" you or is he just saying that? You need to keep his best interest in mind and do what YOU think is best for both of you! Best of luck, girl!
its all about HER...why should she worry about what he thinks? Look out for yourself...at the end of the day that's all that really matters.0 -
there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?
Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.
she says she cares for him but doesn't want to date him anymore....break it off and move on. Stop with the cake and eat it too...its that useless dangling that string in front of him bull**** just to have someone there for you. Dump him and just move on. There's plenty of dudes out there for her.
Dramatic. This post is dramatic.0 -
there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?
Because having one's cake and eating it is much more fun. Also, she's looking out for Jody's best interests, here.
she says she cares for him but doesn't want to date him anymore....break it off and move on. Stop with the cake and eat it too...its that useless dangling that string in front of him bull**** just to have someone there for you. Dump him and just move on. There's plenty of dudes out there for her.
Dramatic. This post is dramatic.
touche cupcake...touche!0 -
I was in the military. I'm married to a former soldier who has PTSD and was married before. He got married the first time just before his first deployment. When he returned, she was completely different. Their marriage was never the same. They (obviously) eventually got divorced.
Trust me, if the two of your are wrong for each other, lengthening the time before breaking up will only make things worse. And he will change when he comes home. Deployment changes you. If you wait, it will only be harder. Just be gentle, and everything will turn out just fine.
Don't feel obligated to stay in something you can't be happy with.0 -
Yeah, move on. He deserves someone who shares his goals.
As does she.
Indeed.0 -
Hurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.
ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.
Agreed. Especially if you have feelings for other men...it's really unfair to him to be pining for other dudes while he's assuming you're in a committed relationship. I don't blame you at all for feeling this way, and kudos for caring enough to want to do this the right way. A lot of girls would just do what they please with other guys while he's away (I know, my bf is in the military...it happens a lot). But I agree with others...just tell him what you've told us here. He'll be hurt, but he'll be ok. You both deserve people who you are compatible with. I think the friendship thing will take time, but like others have said, it's on him.
Lol...a lot? It's the rule, not the exception.0 -
i don't get why people think you should be considerate of the other person's feeling? YOU'RE not happy...who gives a fugg how that affects the other person...get it over with, break up and move on. What's so difficult about that?0
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Don't beat me up for saying this, but maybe you should wait until he gets home to do this? He is serving our country. He is going through ALOT right now, do you really think he is in the position to deal with a break up? That is just personally what I would do.
But in the end, you're the only one who really knows him. We don't. Does he really "need" you or is he just saying that? You need to keep his best interest in mind and do what YOU think is best for both of you! Best of luck, girl!
I understand what you're saying, but it will only be worse for him then. Just because he's home doesn't mean his problems are over--then he'll have a whole ton of new ones getting re-adjusted along with dealing with a breakup. I don't agree with this idea at all. Especially if she admits that she was feeling doubts for some time.0 -
i don't get why people think you should be considerate of the other person's feeling? YOU'RE not happy...who gives a fugg how that affects the other person...get it over with, break up and move on. What's so difficult about that?
It's not that easy. It's natural to care about other people. Marriages wouldn't be successful without that.0 -
Tell him how you told us. Without using harsh words. You said, "While I care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own".. You tell him that.
Tell him you're not ready to take the next step into marriage.
Tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship, either.
If you're not too harsh and you're very sincere, he should understand..
However, In the end, we don't know the guy, so we don't know how he will react to any type of break up.
Best of luck.
^^All of this.
But also thisHurting him now is better than hurting him later. If he found you, he will find someone new when he gets home. Don't wait any longer....do it.
ETA - Don't be upset if he doesn't want to be friends. Since you are the one that's breaking up, the decision as to any future relationship is in his court.
From what you've said, he seems to think you're "the one" and you're not interested in being locked down. Continuing to pretend to love him isn't in the best interest of either of you as a] he'll find out eventually and likely resent you for stringing him along and b] you'll just end up resenting him for making you feel like you had to string him along and at that point you'll both be way past the ability to stay friends.0 -
i don't get why people think you should be considerate of the other person's feeling? YOU'RE not happy...who gives a fugg how that affects the other person...get it over with, break up and move on. What's so difficult about that?
It's not that easy. It's natural to care about other people. Marriages wouldn't be successful without that.
i hear ya...with any break up, I've always felt bad cuz I didn't want to hurt her feelings but you gotta do what you gotta do. You can't let the other persons feelings get in the way of what you want to do to be happy.0 -
i hear ya...with any break up, I've always felt bad cuz I didn't want to hurt her feelings but you gotta do what you gotta do. You can't let the other persons feelings get in the way of what you want to do to be happy.
Definitely a good point. I wanted to preserve an old boyfriend's feelings so much that I ended up driving myself nuts (literally) only to find out he was only taking advantage of me. Have to take care of yourself.0 -
I think the majority opinion here is right. That you have put this much thought into it proves you are the kind of person who can present the facts in a way that isn't hurtful and will get your point across without being to harsh. I also agree that it is better to end it sooner than later. My ex and I were always on again off again, because he was always having problems, etc. he never mentioned because it was easier to stay with me than move on. I think of all the time I wasted thinking we were going to be together and I could have been on with my life so much more before that. You'll do the right thing. It will be hard either way, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck
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i hear ya...with any break up, I've always felt bad cuz I didn't want to hurt her feelings but you gotta do what you gotta do. You can't let the other persons feelings get in the way of what you want to do to be happy.
Definitely a good point. I wanted to preserve an old boyfriend's feelings so much that I ended up driving myself nuts (literally) only to find out he was only taking advantage of me. Have to take care of yourself.
you really just gotta look out for yourself. It sucks to make someone upset but that's life. Live and learn, yanno? As hard as it it, just break it off...if he's a stable person, he'll eventually get over it. My ex-wife wanted a divorce and I got the "i love you but not IN love with you" bull****..it stung, it upsets you but you eventually get over it and move on...he'll do the same.0 -
I would tell him what you told us. Don't not break up with him over guilt, you must do what is right for your life.
(edited because my work keyboard is a piece of shiz.)0 -
Tell him how you told us. Without using harsh words. You said, "While I care deeply for this man, i don't want to continue dating him. our lifestyles are drastically different and we do not share the same life goals and dreams- in fact, his dreams directly conflict with my own".. You tell him that.
Tell him you're not ready to take the next step into marriage.
Tell him you aren't ready for a serious relationship, either.
If you're not too harsh and you're very sincere, he should understand..
However, In the end, we don't know the guy, so we don't know how he will react to any type of break up.
Best of luck.
AGREE! Tell him just like you shared with us. He will appreciate your honesty in the end. Being away from friends and family is hard and when you have a new relationship it becomes all you look forward to. But trust me he needs to know how you truly feel. Being married to a military man myself it takes a certain breed of women to handle such a life; and if your heart isn't in it and your goals are no where near each others it's best you're honest with him. I wish you the best and I hope he will understand and respect your decision. Too often these situations don't end well.0 -
there's NOTHING hard about this..."its just not working for me"....done. Why make it complicated?
hey avril lavigne, go back to chad kroegers bed
OP, tell him that you want to become a nun, he has to understand that and couldnt argue about it.0
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