almost 19, and parents still call me fat
NicoleOmorose
Posts: 10
So today my dad and I got in a big fight. and when I say big, I mean massive. Apparently I said something to tick him off, because next thing I know he's telling me I'm fat again. This usually wouldn't be a problem, but today he went a step further. He blames me for my sister's weight problems. He said I was dragging the family down.
I am almost at a tie with my father for the largest one in the family, at around 270 pounds of fat and odd leg muscle, and at 5'5. And I've been content with ignoring him and the family every time they bring it up, and I can't leave because I have no way of financially taking care of myself, but I'm at the point of mental breakdown.
Going back on topic, my sister. She's 14, 180ish and 5'7She has lean legs with muscle, and a belly. Today I was in charge of taking her from home to school and vice versa. Since we had forgotten to get breakfast in the morning, and we don't have time to eat lunch, she and I decided to go and get some sushi. We treated ourselves on spicy tuna, and were stuffed. When we got home, soon before my parents, I started doing chores and washing dishes while she caught up on homework when the fight started.
And I'm just completely lost here. I hardly take my sister out anywhere, I hardly spend more than a dozen hours with her during the week. My parents buy her breakfast every morning from god knows where. I know it's not my fault, I'm a messed up late teen, but every time this sort of thing happens, where he calls me fat and blames me for something that I've had no control over. I just wait until they're fast asleep and cry it all out, or eat more. I don't know how to break my habits, and I'm tired of my parents constantly judging me, telling me I'm fat or acting sympathetic and telling me that I'm depressed, when I was previously fine. They make me depressed, they constantly remind me of something I have been trying so hard to accept. I don't want self-confidence to be an issue to me. I love myself. But beng around them makes me hate myself, and constantly reminds me that I can't be happy even for a day. And I can't leave. I want to, so badly, though.
Sorry for my rant, but I just need someone to talk to who would understand.
I am almost at a tie with my father for the largest one in the family, at around 270 pounds of fat and odd leg muscle, and at 5'5. And I've been content with ignoring him and the family every time they bring it up, and I can't leave because I have no way of financially taking care of myself, but I'm at the point of mental breakdown.
Going back on topic, my sister. She's 14, 180ish and 5'7She has lean legs with muscle, and a belly. Today I was in charge of taking her from home to school and vice versa. Since we had forgotten to get breakfast in the morning, and we don't have time to eat lunch, she and I decided to go and get some sushi. We treated ourselves on spicy tuna, and were stuffed. When we got home, soon before my parents, I started doing chores and washing dishes while she caught up on homework when the fight started.
And I'm just completely lost here. I hardly take my sister out anywhere, I hardly spend more than a dozen hours with her during the week. My parents buy her breakfast every morning from god knows where. I know it's not my fault, I'm a messed up late teen, but every time this sort of thing happens, where he calls me fat and blames me for something that I've had no control over. I just wait until they're fast asleep and cry it all out, or eat more. I don't know how to break my habits, and I'm tired of my parents constantly judging me, telling me I'm fat or acting sympathetic and telling me that I'm depressed, when I was previously fine. They make me depressed, they constantly remind me of something I have been trying so hard to accept. I don't want self-confidence to be an issue to me. I love myself. But beng around them makes me hate myself, and constantly reminds me that I can't be happy even for a day. And I can't leave. I want to, so badly, though.
Sorry for my rant, but I just need someone to talk to who would understand.
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Replies
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get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.0
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:brokenheart: :indifferent: wow.. im so sorry to hear that.. thats definetly VERBAL abuse.. and unecessary! and im sure the topic of the fight had NOTHING to do with weight/or anybody being 'fat'?? wth?? BOTH your parents say it to you too huh? and yes you are definelty NOT responsible for your SISTERS weight???!!! :noway: you dont open her mouth for her and make her chew!
i had a semi similar experiece at about age 13 or so (puberty) i gained a lot of wt one summer.. during puberty.. went from 90 lbs to 130. not a lot 'wt wise' but i was 5ft tall and just chubby and ya huge diff form 90lbs 2 mo prior!!! anyway my aunt/uncle raised me and my uncle would make comments at the dinner table.. "look at how much shes eating .. or look at her legs"... like mean comments... and my aunt would semi stick up for me though.. but ya.. and oh look.. low and behold a few yrs later, yr beforei went in HS.. i became anerexic and then balemic and got down to 100lbs and ran cross country! so yes verbal abuse can def do damage and im sorry that you aresubjected to it ...
idk perhaps you can write your parents a letter and tell them how much it hurts you.. and that you can look in a mirror and judge yourself for you.. you dont need to be told..??? sometimes writing is easier/more do able then talking.. esp if its gonna end up in a fight...0 -
get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.
Oh gosh. Sushi, once a week for 26 weeks is $260 >.<
Rent here for one month and a one bedroom is like, 1200
It's horrid.0 -
I'm not sure if writing a letter would possibly change anything :c We've had talks before where I'd ask them to completely stop, so I can get back to some sort of stability and stop being tense and stressed out all the time, subsequently fixing my eating habits, but a few days later they'll start again. I don't know how to make it stick with them that I can't handle that sort of thing.0
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I'm so sorry that you're going through that. My parents never did that. There was ONE time when I was about 13 one of them did get upset at me and told me to get off my fata**. :ohwell: It was VERY hard to hear, and I remember it often still 15 years later. At 13 I was very tall, but no where near fat (I can see that now, looking back at pictures. At the time I hated myself.)
I can't imagine being told that on a regular basis. I think that the letter idea is great. Is that an option for you? I would hope that it would open their eyes, but if it doesn't, **hugs**. You're just going to have to rely on your own strength and inner voice to build yourself up. If the letter thing doesn't work, anytime that happens, write yourself a letter building yourself up.
You are definitely not at fault for your sister's health. The only control you have over that situation is being a good example to her through your own strength and self-love. Sounds like she's going to need a good example if she's headed down the same road.
Hang in there girl and let me know if you ever need to talk. :flowerforyou:
**ETA: Just saw that you said the letter wouldn't work. So sorry that talking to them hasn't worked. That is so so sad and my heart breaks for you. How close are you to being financially independent? Are you in school? Have a job?0 -
Your parents should not being calling you names. Period. Your sister's weight is not your fault. She is 14. She is old enough to make her own food choices and by the sounds of it, your parents probably didn't lead by example to make healthy choices. Their fault. No yours. Get a job and move out. You do not need to put up with it.0
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:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. What you can try to do is began focusing on only yourself. Began thinking about making a plan for your future. You are 19. Have you thought about what you would like to do in order to move out on your own?
Have you thought about getting a small job and going to college? It is simply time for you to think about you and your life and what you want out of this life. You are spending too much time at home with people who are stuck in a rut! You know within yourself that you deserve better than what you have right now!.
You are 19. You do not have to stay home and take verbal abuse! Family counseling/ a church pastor or clergy may help but still it is now time for you to focus on moving out of your parents home and become the person that you can be proud of. You can do it! You are are young and smart and you do Not have to live like this!
The weight will fall off! When you feel like eating your emotions talk to your true friends, keep a journal, go for a walk. Think about what you are doing to yourself when you binge or eat your feelings. You know this!
:flowerforyou:0 -
get financially independent, save your sushi money for rent.
Oh gosh. Sushi, once a week for 26 weeks is $260 >.<
Rent here for one month and a one bedroom is like, 1200
It's horrid.
Could you find roommates?0 -
Go to college away from home and live in the dorms. Get financial aid if you can't pay for it on your own. It's what I did and it did wonders for me. If your parents are like mine (in my case, my mother- I have a mother with a personality disorder who calls/called me names as well), you need to get away from the situation. Check out www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com0
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I'm so sorry that you're going through that. My parents never did that. There was ONE time when I was about 13 one of them did get upset at me and told me to get off my fata**. :ohwell: It was VERY hard to hear, and I remember it often still 15 years later. At 13 I was very tall, but no where near fat (I can see that now, looking back at pictures. At the time I hated myself.)
I can't imagine being told that on a regular basis. I think that the letter idea is great. Is that an option for you? I would hope that it would open their eyes, but if it doesn't, **hugs**. You're just going to have to rely on your own strength and inner voice to build yourself up. If the letter thing doesn't work, anytime that happens, write yourself a letter building yourself up.
You are definitely not at fault for your sister's health. The only control you have over that situation is being a good example to her through your own strength and self-love. Sounds like she's going to need a good example if she's headed down the same road.
Hang in there girl and let me know if you ever need to talk. :flowerforyou:
The fata** comment hits hard. It affects people when they see their parents sitting down, relaxing, and telling their kids to get up and do some work. I'm going to try the letter, but it scares me. What if they just brush it off or get over emotional or even angry at me and start blaming me? And then what if they push harder? I hate the pushing. it just makes it worse.0 -
Also if you enroll in a university, and are eligible for financial aid, you can get set up in a dorm which is covered by financial aid. I agree...this is the time to focus on YOU and your life. You need to get yourself independent.0
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:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time. What you can try to do is began focusing on only yourself. Began thinking about making a plan for your future. You are 19. Have you thought about what you would like to do in order to move out on your own?
Have you thought about getting a small job and going to college? It is simply time for you to think about you and your life and what you want out of this life. You are spending too much time at home with people who are stuck in a rut! You know within yourself that you deserve better than what you have right now!.
You are 19. You do not have to stay home and take verbal abuse! Family counseling/ a church pastor or clergy may help but still it is now time for you to focus on moving out of your parents home and become the person that you can be proud of. You can do it! You are are young and smart and you do Not have to live like this!
The weight will fall off! When you feel like eating your emotions talk to your true friends, keep a journal, go for a walk. Think about what you are doing to yourself when you binge or eat your feelings. You know this!
:flowerforyou:
I currently have a job, but it pays very little, and I'm concentrating on university, hoping to do it and finish as fast as I can. A journal might actually be a really good idea. and your confidence warms my heart. Thankyou. :flowerforyou:0 -
Also if you enroll in a university, and are eligible for financial aid, you can get set up in a dorm which is covered by financial aid. I agree...this is the time to focus on YOU and your life. You need to get yourself independent.
I am currently in Uni, and have a job, but my job hardly pays for my school, and the financial aid offices see that I either reside with my parents or that they have money and deny me the possibility of going after something further away
I want to move out, I just don't want to leave my younger sister in an environment where she has no one to defend her if she gets in a bad argument with them.
I'm going to try and get a higher paying job. Moving out is now one of my main goals.0 -
I'm so sorry that you're going through that. My parents never did that. There was ONE time when I was about 13 one of them did get upset at me and told me to get off my fata**. :ohwell: It was VERY hard to hear, and I remember it often still 15 years later. At 13 I was very tall, but no where near fat (I can see that now, looking back at pictures. At the time I hated myself.)
I can't imagine being told that on a regular basis. I think that the letter idea is great. Is that an option for you? I would hope that it would open their eyes, but if it doesn't, **hugs**. You're just going to have to rely on your own strength and inner voice to build yourself up. If the letter thing doesn't work, anytime that happens, write yourself a letter building yourself up.
You are definitely not at fault for your sister's health. The only control you have over that situation is being a good example to her through your own strength and self-love. Sounds like she's going to need a good example if she's headed down the same road.
Hang in there girl and let me know if you ever need to talk. :flowerforyou:
The fata** comment hits hard. It affects people when they see their parents sitting down, relaxing, and telling their kids to get up and do some work. I'm going to try the letter, but it scares me. What if they just brush it off or get over emotional or even angry at me and start blaming me? And then what if they push harder? I hate the pushing. it just makes it worse.
If you reach out to them as their child, and they brush it off that's on them. That is TOTALLY on them and honestly it makes me want to cry even thinking about doing that to one of my children. I just couldn't. That's purely heartless. The only thing I can say is it might be them backlashing simply out of guilt. IF that happens, do NOT let it destroy you. It is NOT your fault. They will probably do it to your sister too because the issue lies IN THEM. To do that to your child means you obviously have some inner issues.
Honestly if it causes them to get angry or start yelling or whatever, be silent. Don't lash back - it won't work. Walk out of the house if you have to....take a walk...get some fresh air and cry if you need to. Then move on. Let them sit in their guilt, and you move on and get your life going. All you can control is YOUR actions. Don't use the situation as an excuse to get stuck in a rut. You do NOT need their validation to make your life great.0 -
Go to college away from home and live in the dorms. Get financial aid if you can't pay for it on your own. It's what I did and it did wonders for me. If your parents are like mine (in my case, my mother- I have a mother with a personality disorder who calls/called me names as well), you need to get away from the situation. Check out www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com
this plus the keeping journal idea- plus the best revenge of all- getting fit- you get yourself fit and thin then he will have to come up with a new name to call you and since you will be in university he can call you whatever he wants because you won't be there to hear it0 -
So sorry that you have to go through this. I wish your parents were aware of what they're doing to you.
You said you can't move out because of the lack of finances, but you didn't explain why you don't have money. Are you still in school? College? Is there a way you can get a part-time job? Anything that gets you a little extra money, which you then can save up. Because you do need to move out and get away from this situation ASAP.
If you're really at your wit's end, seek help. There are free online sites that give you some suggestions, for example this one:
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/ (click on the "Ask A Question Now" link.
Best of luck. I sincerely hope you can find a solution.0 -
Also if you enroll in a university, and are eligible for financial aid, you can get set up in a dorm which is covered by financial aid. I agree...this is the time to focus on YOU and your life. You need to get yourself independent.
I am currently in Uni, and have a job, but my job hardly pays for my school, and the financial aid offices see that I either reside with my parents or that they have money and deny me the possibility of going after something further away
I want to move out, I just don't want to leave my younger sister in an environment where she has no one to defend her if she gets in a bad argument with them.
I'm going to try and get a higher paying job. Moving out is now one of my main goals.
They've denied you for school loans? Just because you move out doesn't mean you can't still be there for your sister. Let her know that you are there if she ever needs you. She's only got a few more years before she can move out and you can room together. It may also empower her to see you confident enough to move out on your own, so she'll see that she doesn't have to stay there forever and take it.0 -
So sorry that you have to go through this. I wish your parents were aware of what they're doing to you.
You said you can't move out because of the lack of finances, but you didn't explain why you don't have money. Are you still in school? College? Is there a way you can get a part-time job? Anything that gets you a little extra money, which you then can save up. Because you do need to move out and get away from this situation ASAP.
If you're really at your wit's end, seek help. There are free online sites that give you some suggestions, for example this one:
http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/ (click on the "Ask A Question Now" link.
Best of luck. I sincerely hope you can find a solution.
I have a part-time job, but that pays for my education and I save enough quarters to have a guilty pleasure like sushi every few weeks, but I'm usually very strict on my spending, and all my bonus money either goes on saving up for christmas/birthday presents for my little sister. Financial aid wont support me because of my parents' money. I'm currently saving up. I hope that I'll have more work coming in so I can leave right after Uni ends. I'm going to try harder, but I feel as though every time I get a little bit out, gain a little bit confidence, one or the other says something, and leads me back to my binge hole. That's the scary thing. What if I get into a binge hole I can't get out of/0 -
Tell him that he's really a pathetic excuse for a father... and that he should be blaming you for all of his faults just because he's useless in most cases in life
First thing I'd do is move out, cancel him out your life. When he realises how much of a douche he was (or still is) let him know how it's too late.0 -
I can definitely sympathize with you. All through my youth I dealt with emotionally abusive parents. Being called fat was a normal thing in my house. You may not be financially able to move out and focusing on school is good, but in that situation you are just setting yourself up for a possible bought with major depression which will in the end take a toll on your school work. The main suggestion I have is seek out some help from a professional. They will help you learn better ways to cope than eating your feelings, which I did for many years. You can check with your school to see if they have any sort of counseling programs on campus that you would be eligible for or check in your local community. You may be able to find a place that offers help based on your income, or if you have insurance through your parents check with the insurance company and see what it will cover. I really hope you are able to overcome this and can show the world how awesome you are no matter what your weight is.0
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I'm almost 33 and my mother still calls me fat. I'm not. According to some people who know me I apparently look borderline anorexic. So take my mother's comments for what they're worth...
I don't live at home and quite frankly I've told her to go f*** herself on more than one occasion. She's aware of exactly what she's doing - she's just not a nice person. It's a horrible thing to have to realise about one of your parents, but sometimes that's just the way things are
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I can definitely sympathize with you. All through my youth I dealt with emotionally abusive parents. Being called fat was a normal thing in my house. You may not be financially able to move out and focusing on school is good, but in that situation you are just setting yourself up for a possible bought with major depression which will in the end take a toll on your school work. The main suggestion I have is seek out some help from a professional. They will help you learn better ways to cope than eating your feelings, which I did for many years. You can check with your school to see if they have any sort of counseling programs on campus that you would be eligible for or check in your local community. You may be able to find a place that offers help based on your income, or if you have insurance through your parents check with the insurance company and see what it will cover. I really hope you are able to overcome this and can show the world how awesome you are no matter what your weight is.
How did you manage? Did you have any siblings you felt responsible for?0 -
Your parents are responsible for you and your sisters way of eating not you, if parents show their children from an early age how to eat healthy and responsibly there will be less chance of eating unhealthy..
I have compassion for you and really hope you can get your finances together to make a move for the better..
Good luck with it hun0 -
Tell him that he's really a pathetic excuse for a father... and that he should be blaming you for all of his faults just because he's useless in most cases in life
First thing I'd do is move out, cancel him out your life. When he realises how much of a douche he was (or still is) let him know how it's too late.
I honestly don't think that is going to help your situation. Don't sink to his level trying to tear each other down. 1) it won't work, you cannot yell and cuss someone into changing...and 2) because then not only will you feel awful about what he said, you'll feel guilty and awful for what you said.
I agree on moving out...not so much on burning that bridge with him though. My grandfather was verbally abusive (in the same way, about her weight mostly) when my mother was young. I also remember him scaring the $*%& out of me and my cousins when we were kids. You didn't dare cross him. In his old age he has done a complete 180 and is a big teddy bear. We are extremely close and you can joke with him about almost anything. He and my mom have an amazing relationship now, and as he's been ill the past year or so, I am so grateful that that bond was not broken but has only strengthened over time.
People do and say stupid, hurtful things when they are unhappy with themselves. Get out and work on you, and let him work on his own issues.0 -
Well, I didn't read all the comments, so I am editing out what i wrote (to go to college and move out)... looks like you are already in school.... can you go back to the college's office and ask if there are other options so you don't have to live with your family?0
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Luckily I did not have any siblings but as I got older I fell into a parent role more than a child so I felt responsible for my mother through most of my teen years. That is a totally different story though. At the time I didn't deal with it very well and I either ate, got drunk, or participated in self injurious behaviors to make the pain stop. By the way I do not promote any of these as a healthy coping skill. One of the things I did as well was write. I wrote poems, most of them I can't find any longer and it is probably a good thing. Whether I planned on letting anyone read them or not, it did help at least get the mess of stuff in my head out so I could think properly. I am currently thirty years old and just now learning how to properly take care of myself. It took a very long time and a group of amazing friends to make me realize that I was worth actually caring about myself and what I do and put into my body. I think if I had known about all the resources out there for help when I was younger then it wouldn't have taken me nearly as long to become someone that has some self worth.0
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I agree with @aliann30.
Focus STRICTLY on yourself and you'll be much happier. I know it's easier said than done but anything is possible. You can get through this.
We're both the same age and at this time a lot of things seem hopeless but I've seen people get through much worse. 0 -
By the time i reached 18, i weighed about 180lbs, and my parents were very unsupportive. Both of them are overweight themselves, which made the whole thing very hypocritical, and they weren't mean about it thankfully, but there attitude was very much, 'well, just go on a diet!' and made it sound like losing weight was easy if i wanted to do it, and i was clearly a failure if i couldn't. Problem was, i didn't know the first thing about nutrition; my parents never taught me, school never taught me, and in hindsight it's no wonder i was so large as my eating habits were atrocious! It didn't help living under my parents roof, having to eat the same meals as them; as i said, they were overweight and didn't seem to care about it, and still encouraged me to eat a huge portion of fish and chips for dinner, followed by ice-cream and chocolate for dessert.
It was once i left home and went to university that everything changed. Finally i had the power to eat what i wanted, when i wanted. Having to fend for myself meant that i finally learnt about nutrition, eating healthily, and good weight loss practice. I now weigh 118lbs and i've never been happier with my weight.
It is still a struggle going home to visit my parents, as now they take one look at me and decide i'm 'too skinny', (i'm not too skinny, they are just used to seeing me fat), and now feel it's there duty to fill me full of chocolate and deep fried, fatty food. If i go home for just a day then i'm happy to indulge, because not only do i love eating but it also shuts them up. However, staying there for more than one day really becomes a struggle.
I know that you think your situation is hopeless, but i promise you it's not. Have you thought about moving in with some friends? Or even some sort of job with residential benefits, such as live in cleaner somewhere? Plus, if you did move in with some friends, and declared yourself financially independent, then i'm pretty sure the government is obliged to help you out financially with your studies.
I'm afraid i don't have much else to add to what everyone else has suggested, i just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and yes it is a crappy situation, but don't let it get you down because you deserve better than that X0 -
I'm almost 33 and my mother still calls me fat. I'm not. According to some people who know me I apparently look borderline anorexic. So take my mother's comments for what they're worth...
I don't live at home and quite frankly I've told her to go f*** herself on more than one occasion. She's aware of exactly what she's doing - she's just not a nice person. It's a horrible thing to have to realise about one of your parents, but sometimes that's just the way things are
This is the crux.
You seem confident and assured, and you like your sister, but you don't have to like your parents.
The only thing that will make this easier is you hardening your heart and not giving a damm what your parents think of you.
If you choose to loose weight, then let it be on your terms. An argument needs two people to disagree, your Dad will soon stop if you just look at him, smile, and say, "that is your opinion, it is not mine, as I live under your roof I respect your right to have that opinion, but I choose not to agree with you, is that okay? May I please continue with the chores now"
Inside you can be screaming "go F yourself" but you have not let him continue in his belief that you need "shocking" into getting off your *kitten* and doing something about the weight that actually he blames himself for......
Good luck.0 -
Its very difficult to live with critical , teasing , jealous (yes jealous) , parent or parents.
You need to understand parents are human with human failings and have power over those offspring
that live with them.
Just try not to rise to the bait, keep on here , dieting and exercising, and try to step outside the
situation with your mind looking upon both you and your father, stay unconnected in your mind from
the abuse, see it from the outside and feel real calm 0
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