Ideas? How to talk to worryingly overweight relative?
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As someone who is still grossly overweight (although, I'm on the right path), I would say she is likely in her tattered clothing because shopping for new threads when you are overweight is DEPRESSING!!! Nothing fits right nor looks good so you decide to just wear the one pair of black dress pants you have until they are threadbare. No amount of money can make shopping in plus-sized stores fun.
My suggestion for approaching her, is for you not to approach her. I have a daughter who has struggled with weight and who has been watching as me, her sister, her father and her step-mom have all been losing weight. There was no way to talk to her without pushing her further towards eating; however, because we have all stuck with it and have shown her that it is relatively easy (heck . . . .cutting out bad snacks will make you start losing right away), she is now on board and has lost 10 pounds in three weeks. Again, this is someone I am very close to, but it would have hurt her and driven her away had I discussed it with her.
Good luck with whatever you do.0 -
Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
What she said0 -
I'm never a fan of telling a fat person he or she is fat. A fat person already knows. Since there is more to it than just weight, you could engage in conversation and listen for clues as to what might be going on. Don't press.
When I was overweight, I knew it. I tried to change but none of the things that worked for me in the past were working for me now. I had to keep trying to find something that fit my lifestyle today. I think that encouraging a person to keep trying new healthy things is the best thing that you can do.0 -
I agree with those saying to express it from a health perspective. "I'm worried about you. Is there anything I can do to help?" If she asks what you are worried about, just stick with the signs of poor health you see. Weight is a terribly sensitive topic, but when health declines for any reason, loved ones will usually say something. I can't remember how close you are. If you aren't close, I would talk to someone who is instead about how to help her.0
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She knows she's overweight. Trust me, she knows.
For every person who says "Thank you for telling me I'm fat! Its just the kick in the pants I need!" a dozen more will internalize it as "you're ugly and worthless, there's no point trying."
Here's the deal: Most of the health issues she's likely facing come from being less active, not from the obesity per se. She'd experience a huge increase in her health if she just moved more, whether or not it resulted in much weight loss. But by focusing on "Hey, didja know you're fat? You need to lose weight!" well intentioned friends and family often discourage people from doing what they need to do. A 10% weight loss brings huge benefits - a loss so small that it doesn't even *show* on many people. It's an amount that is manageable for most people and is statistically maintainable - and yet because it doesn't result in someone looking a lot thinner, we discount it. We tell people they haven't done enough. We tell them they're doing it wrong - and what we inadvertently tell them is that they can't get it right - so why bother trying.0 -
Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow... you're one of 'those' people. Go troll somewhere else if you have nothing helpful to post.
and wow you are one of "those" people too. I'll post where I please thank you. I don't take orders from people 'like you'
This kind of thread, makes me incredibly frustrated and angry, I'm blunt about that. It's not helpful to the woman being spoken about who doesn't get to have an opinion because she has no idea we are talking about her to wrap it up in fluff when someone - in my opinion - is so misguided and off base that they can't even see it.
So maybe you can't handle the truth, but I've been at the receiving end of "caring" relatives who saw me once in a while and judged me based on how I looked and it's ****ty, makes you hate people and the world and makes you feel worse about yourself.
But go ahead, tell her to tell this woman she's unhealthy without knowing a thing about her. Being worried about her health based wholly on her outside appearance is naive at best and damaging at worse. Being worried about her health is making a judgement based on her appearance. Some days if you looked at me you'd think I was a fatty basket case with high blood pressure and all kinds of things, if you didn't know me, but I'm not, I'm fit, I've got lower than normal blood pressure, lower cholesterol and all kinds of things and I probably just came off a 12 hour night shift looking after people who really are ill.
If I was going to be nasty I'd make this personal but thats not what I'm trying to convey, talking about this with other people who don't know the person or care about them is hurtful, bringing up someones health based on their appearance after not seeing them for a time is hurtful, presuming that person needs you to talk to them about it is hurtful.0 -
Are you close to them? Are they "just" obese or are there things like they aren't able to do things like walk through a store any longer.
If I were going to have this conversation with someone I would be to the point ("I'm concerned about the weight you've gained, etc..."), but not rude ("you're such a fatty! DO SOMETHING"). You're doing this too, so I'd remind her that you're going through this journey too and you know how overwhelming it can be, but how worth it it is in the long run.
ETA- forgot to make this point: I have never had this convo with someone and I'm not going to. They need to decide for themselves when is the right time.0 -
Leave her alone. It isn't your place to "save" people from themselves. She's an adult and presumably of sound mind. If she wants your opinion, she'll ask you for it.
Ditto ^^^0 -
Until the person see's her/him self and realizes they need to do something about their weight there is nothing you can do except pray for them. I have a son I have no idea how much he weighs, but he is big over 300 I am guessing?! There is nothing you can say to them until they make up their own mind. I had people telling me all the time I needed to lose weight, my husband would say "stop eating that" or "you don't need that" That just made me eat more of whatever it was. I had two doctors tell me I was killing myself to start doing something about it...it never helped! It's a personal thing, it's hard when we see those we love "killing" themselves with food. I did the same thing! My advice is if you believe in the power of prayer to pray for that person, God is the only one who can change a person.0
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I can totally see where being on the receiving end of this conversation would be potentially hurtful, but I don't think you can turn a blind eye to it either. She does sound depressed, but I am speaking only as someone who has experienced mild depression myself sporadically. I agree to go at I from the health perspective, "hey, you seem kind of bummed out lately, is everything ok.", etc and then go from there. I don't think it's your job to tell her to lose weight, but I do think as a friend and relative you have every right and obligation to check in on her mental well being. If she wants to talk about it, and she brings up her weight, be supportive and encouraging and that's all you can do.0
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this iz hard. personally i think someone has to realize themselvez that they need to change. not realizing that, an havin someone come up to u an make hints that u need to change ur lifestyle iz so patronizing. ''oh yeah lets do it together, letz go on walks, an put down the donut, an eat a salad''. ugh i just feel like theres no way unless the fat person decides for themselves. otherwise its jus insulting :ohwell:0
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But go ahead, tell her to tell this woman she's unhealthy without knowing a thing about her. Being worried about her health based wholly on her outside appearance is naive at best and damaging at worse. Being worried about her health is making a judgement based on her appearance. Some days if you looked at me you'd think I was a fatty basket case with high blood pressure and all kinds of things, if you didn't know me, but I'm not, I'm fit, I've got lower than normal blood pressure, lower cholesterol and all kinds of things and I probably just came off a 12 hour night shift looking after people who really are ill.
When someone gets out of breath from talking and walking, it's not really about appearance but observable worrisome symptoms. Whether or not that is this OP's place to say is questionable based on their relationship, but if this were someone I loved, I'd be speaking up when they get to the point where they struggle to breathe. (Someone like my husband I'd be insisting he go to the doctor and do something to better his situation, but I'd do whatever I could to help or support him.)0 -
She will probably take offense to it. So, depending on your relationship with her and unless she asks you about your health and if she expresses interest in getting healthy or losing weight, I would leave it alone.
If she does express interest, you could ask her to go for a walk with you, or ask her to get a gym membership with you and be motivators for each other. In that case, you can point her to MFP, etc. But unless she does that, leave it alone.
I used to be obese, and I knew it....and when people pointed it out and told me that they were "concerned about my health", it did not make me feel grateful...it made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. Please, please do not put her in that position. It's awful.0 -
It's the same with my uncle. He couldn't even have kidney-stone surgery because of it...0
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I would just get upset if someone wanted to talk to me about my weight. In fact, a co-worker mentioned it years ago and I've never forgotten the shameful feeling I had that day. It's not like I didn't know I was gaining weight, but to have someone point it out really hurt.
With that said, it's great you care enough about your relative to be concerned. If you want to try to help, what's worked for me in the past is to encourage them to go on walks with you, and somehow bring up MFP in the discussion. If you talk about how you're getting healthier and feeling better, it may click in their head too. Lead by example!
Same thing here! I went on a business trip with a co-worker once who was on me the whole time about how I needed to lose weight. After walking out to the parking garage, she actually said Jesus, you can't even breathe, when are you going to do something about that? I will never forgive that bi#$%.
Great advice above, just lead by example. Saying how much better you feel. That it isn't even about the weight, it is about feeling good now and having a ton of energy. To me, that is what resonates more with people who are extremely overweight. They know it, believe me, they do. They just don't know how change it. It may seem too overwhelming to care.0 -
If she doesn't ask you for advice, don't give it. You can broach the subject in relation to your OWN weight and health goals, but that's as far as I would go.0
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UGH!!! NOTHING is worst than the "fat talk". I have had this "talk" with my husband. He has asked me about my weight (very obese), in a loving way, but he wants me to change so I can be around for him and our kids. No matter how "sweet" the talk is, it HURTS and honestly made me resentful.
Trying to approach the subject in a sensitive matter is very hard.
I'm sure she knows she is over weight/obese. She may not know the extent of the her weight (I didn't either until I saw myself on a short video, Gah.) <-That spurred me to change.
Also, she may "like" the way she is also. It may sound crazy, but many people are happy at a higher weight and are comfortable with it. I'm not saying this is her, but it is possible.
Being you live far away, it is hard to have a daily interaction with her and encourage her.
I'm sorry I have no real advice to give. I have people who are close to me that need to change their habits. They are physically failing at an alarming rate. They are not working at losing the weight or getting healthier. It kills me, as the are not incapable of doing to. They are on medication (high blood pressure, diabetes, etc), using aids for walking (walkers, motorized carts, etc.) I have heard many of them say that the Dr. says if they lose 20lbs they reduce or get off the meds., but they choose no to. It honestly breaks me heart.0 -
I can totally see where being on the receiving end of this conversation would be potentially hurtful, but I don't think you can turn a blind eye to it either. She does sound depressed, but I am speaking only as someone who has experienced mild depression myself sporadically. I agree to go at I from the health perspective, "hey, you seem kind of bummed out lately, is everything ok.", etc and then go from there. I don't think it's your job to tell her to lose weight, but I do think as a friend and relative you have every right and obligation to check in on her mental well being. If she wants to talk about it, and she brings up her weight, be supportive and encouraging and that's all you can do.
this! i have fought with depression since my early teens, spending longer and longer bouts in the void. it's really really tough to get out on your own. and sometimes all it takes is someone to reach out to you and actually f'ing care without telling you everything you need to change.
that sounded mean and i didn't mean for it to. if you care about her, start here. people don't normally just let themselves fly off a cliff on a whim. often it sneaks up and a lot of times they don't know who to ask for help. or when they do, no one notices or cares. long story short, sometimes weight is symptom not a cause. ask if she's ok. be a friend not a coach. but if it's not coming from a place of love and genuine concern for her entire well being (not just that she's overweight) then leave it alone. sometimes it can take a lot of work and energy to help pull someone out of a downward spiral. if you aren't up to the challenge, you could leave them worse off than before. if you only see them every once in a while, and don't call or correspond with each other much, more an acquiantance than a friend, i'd say leave it alone. 0 -
Here is my opinion. Not sure if anyone touched on this as I have not read all the comments.
She knows she is fat. She knows she is unkempt. She may even have some form of depression going on. A lot of obese people do because they feel hopeless and helpless. Why do you feel the need to talk to her about it? Just wondering. No one will change until they themselves are willing to make the change. I see no need in you broaching the subject with her.
I have an obese friend. She struggles with it everyday. I see how it affects her. I feel bad for her. I love her anyhow and pray God will make a way for her through her to make that change.
Just my two cents!0 -
:drinker:Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.0 -
This is so hard!!! I have two older sisters (27 and 28) and both of them are obese. One of them has developed diabetes. Both of them don't seem to care/don't seem to be able to do anything about it, they just keep gaining weight. Our relationship is great otherwise, but I really don't dare to bring this topic up. I know it will hurt them and feel like it's none of my business really. On the other hand, I love them and care about them so I want them to be healthy! It really sucks for everyone involved.0
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I agree with you. I have a very obese friend. I've watched her shove food down her throat at parties. From the time she gets there to the time she leaves. Even going so far as eating off her kids leftovers. I love her to pieces and although I know she is killing herself I would NEVER EVER go up to her and say.. You know, I'm really concerned about your weight. That is not my place to do it. She has been married for over 25 years. The hubs loves her, the kids love her and everyone who knows her loves her. She knows my fitness routine. And I just hope and pray that one day she will ask for advice and/or help. I feel you girl. Don't let other sway you from what you think is right.Maybe she wants to spend her money on other things than clothes? Maybe she doesn't give a *kitten* what anyone else thinks of her?
Unless she's showing any major character changes in the space of a week or so which would indicate mental health issues, I would stay the hell out of her business.
You don't know her health from just looking at her.
If you really must try and change how others lead their lives based on your opinion of whats good for them then lead by example, if they are interested then they will follow.
Wow... you're one of 'those' people. Go troll somewhere else if you have nothing helpful to post.
and wow you are one of "those" people too. I'll post where I please thank you. I don't take orders from people 'like you'
This kind of thread, makes me incredibly frustrated and angry, I'm blunt about that. It's not helpful to the woman being spoken about who doesn't get to have an opinion because she has no idea we are talking about her to wrap it up in fluff when someone - in my opinion - is so misguided and off base that they can't even see it.
So maybe you can't handle the truth, but I've been at the receiving end of "caring" relatives who saw me once in a while and judged me based on how I looked and it's ****ty, makes you hate people and the world and makes you feel worse about yourself.
But go ahead, tell her to tell this woman she's unhealthy without knowing a thing about her. Being worried about her health based wholly on her outside appearance is naive at best and damaging at worse. Being worried about her health is making a judgement based on her appearance. Some days if you looked at me you'd think I was a fatty basket case with high blood pressure and all kinds of things, if you didn't know me, but I'm not, I'm fit, I've got lower than normal blood pressure, lower cholesterol and all kinds of things and I probably just came off a 12 hour night shift looking after people who really are ill.
If I was going to be nasty I'd make this personal but thats not what I'm trying to convey, talking about this with other people who don't know the person or care about them is hurtful, bringing up someones health based on their appearance after not seeing them for a time is hurtful, presuming that person needs you to talk to them about it is hurtful.0 -
The trouble with trying to "help" someone do this is that you cannot possibly be there for them all the times they could possibly be making bad choices. Changes will only stick if she is determined and committed 100% to doing what it takes (which may include asking for help occasionally, but you can't do the hard work it will take, only she can).
My grandmother called me fat, and that didn't do a thing to motivate me. While I am sure that you would be more tactful, the fact was that I was not ready and I did not believe in myself enough to make it happen NO MATTER WHAT, and noone could make that happen for me. I watched DH lose 50 pounds after I quit, on the diet we started together, and still nothing. I had to be ready in my own time.
How do you get someone to believe they really CAN change and stick with the failures long enough to figure out what they need for success? I do not know the answer, but that is what needs to happen. If she is depressed, and her lack of care for herself may suggest that, she will not be in the right mindset to lose weight and perceived criticism will just add to her misery. I would try suggesting the smallest changes...slightly more physical outings (maybe a shopping trip for some better fitting clothing?) and sharing new healthy and yummy recipes, and see where that gets you.0 -
I guess you could talk about your own health and gauge whether it's a topic she is leary of or wants to shy away from. I would totally proceed with caution. When I was not ready to get my health in order, I severely hated anyone who tried to talk to me about it. I had health issues and thought it was totally insensitive and insulting when someone would recommend "skinny cow" ice cream or using the plate that you put your teacup on for portion control.
It made me want to scream..."who the *kitten* do you think you are? do you actually think you're smarter than me? do you think I don't shop at the same markets as you, read the same things, watch the same shows? I KNOW how to do it, damn I've spent most of my life twice as healthy as you are right now with your smug "well-meaning" face! can you mind your own effing business? and can you STOP drawing attention to something I'm already uncomfortable about and dissappointed in? can you trust me that I might know when it's the best time and the best way to get a handle on things and just spend some pleasurable time with me instead of treating me like a pet project?"
Instead since I'm polite, or try to be. I would usually just cut the visit short. Then avoid that person in the future. IF it was unavoidable, I'd do passive aggressive things like bring spicy dishes to get togethers when I know they can't handle them, and say how great chile is for you, and "you should really try it" and basically put them on blast and turn the tables.
You are heading into dangerous territory, but please check back here after your visit. I'd love to hear how it went, whether she falls to her knees thanking you for your wealth of information and concern, or tells you where to stick your advice? Either way could be fun.0 -
I've learned you're only allowed one really good "come to Jesus" speech a year, and the timing has to be right, so use it wisely. It worked on my nephew once and got him into rehab. They've never worked on my sister.0
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I used to be that worryingly overweight relative. My Mom was SO afraid for me (my highest weight was 374lbs) and I was truly in denial. I honestly think this person has to get to their rock bottom (unfortunately) in order for them to have that motivation and moment to know that they need to change. I realize it is very hard to watch. Maybe you can calmly just tell them you're concerned for their health? Take it very carefully. I knew very well how big I was, but I would get angry whenever anyone tried to tell me their concerns. It's very hard for both parties. Best of luck x0
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Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply to my post.
I will sit down and read all the responses this evening.
I'm sorry if some people think it's mean to even consider approaching the topic. But if it wasn't very difficult, I wouldn't have asked for advice.
April.0 -
I didn't read this thread but I had a friend talk candidly to me about my weight once - and it was a big help. I can see why some people would be put off by that, but for me it showed he cared - and helped spur on change.
People react differently to these type of convos though. I personally found it touching that a friend cared and was able to convey the message in a way I never felt attacked.
I understand the thought process behind leaving a person alone, but I wonder how many of those "alone" people are deep down really hoping for a friend to treat them candidly...0 -
If she owns a mirror don't mention it. She knows. Ask her for a walk, if she says no, tell her you need to talk and you are more comfortable walking and talking. Then tell her something about your life, a small problem. Then do the same the next day, go for short walks until she gets some endurance, then slowly walk further. If you make this about her weight, she'll fight you out of hurt. Make it about you and let her reap the benefits.0
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Wrong thread. Stupid phone!0
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