Mother of a problem...

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24

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  • Mousiechan
    Mousiechan Posts: 11
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    I avoid toxic people so perhaps you can too. You need be upfront with her and tell her how you feel. There is no need to visit someone who is nasty to you. There is also no need to allow yourself to be bullied so tell her this and do not visit her if the bullying continues. Unfortunately not all mothers are caring people. It's not you, it's her!
  • caterpillardreams
    caterpillardreams Posts: 476 Member
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    I have issues with my father he is not always so bad but he used to be awful when he would say some mean things and just be hurtful. There was no love in his words, I know he loves me because he took care of me and made family number one but for some reason he did not understand that words are part of raising your child in a loving way
    When I was in my early 20's I left, I joined the Air Force and was so happy I did. it gave me the distance I needed from his negativity. I think he tries not to be that way but then he can go revert back to his mean ways when he feels hurt inside. I can tell he is broken and needs healing but it will not be at my expense.
    You are not a problem,. she may have had you young but she has choices, she could have chosen so many paths in life she chose to have you. She is dealing and has been with her own failures, you may remind her of those times, and so she puts up a wall and she fires at you, It makes her feel better. It makes her feel stronger and maybe even in control knowing she can invoke these emotions in you.
    I would not say cut her off forever, but I would let her know to stop what she is doing, stand up fro yourself, you can still love her just don't take her crap. You may have to limit your visits, just because you do not come around does not mean you do not love her. But you have to believe in your self, know that you love her but can not fix her. she needs to want to change.

    My father says I love you now, when I was young he would never say those words, distance makes people realize you are important. At leas in my situation. he is not perfect, if we are together for more than a week, something happens and it can get ugly, but I do not make myself feel guilty anymore, yeah it hurts, But I have A God who is greater and helps me understand that he is broken and he needs a deep healing.
  • markymarrkk
    markymarrkk Posts: 495 Member
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    I'd call her out on her B.S. ... tell her how you feel. Reading your story gets me mad, I don't understand how parents could be that way.
  • frankizoy
    frankizoy Posts: 83 Member
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    i always believed that you should love your family no matter what. me personally, i wouldn't visit her as oftan, but i wouldn't cut her out completely. maybe visit her every other month or even just on holidays, that may help.
  • PamelaGatorMom
    PamelaGatorMom Posts: 348 Member
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    Sorry I can’t relate when my mother was alive we were best of friends, but I can tell you that NO ONE should make you feel less about yourself, not even your mom.
    Also she clearly has issues as well that she needs to deal with and that is why she lashes out at you. I would say keep your distance don’t cut all ties but people who don’t make a positive difference in your life should not be allowed in it!
    I love my sister so much but she’s made some choices in the past few years that are very hurtful to me so I’ve made a choice to limit my time with her. I will always be her sister but I don’t have to be around her negative life.

    :flowerforyou:
  • KKWilson
    KKWilson Posts: 68 Member
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    I'm in the opposite boat, but I do know that if family isn't there for you, stick with your friends. They can be like family, sometimes better than family.

    ^^THIS! Friends are the family we choose. I am not in your boat either, but I do understand the drive most children have to maintain a relationship with their parents. Even when a parent is abusive, which in this case seems to be what is happening based on your post. I'm not suggesting you cut her out of your life entirely, but take control of your relationship and decide what type of relationship you will have with her and what you will permit. A counselor will definitely help you process this situation. You deserve to be surrounding by those that support and lift you up, not tear you down.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
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    prove to her that she was wrong..

    She is being resented by her mother for existing.
    No matter what she does, she won't be able to "prove" anything to her mother.

    OP, like everyone else says.... seek counseling, and stop visiting her. If you want to have family around, call your sisters. But leave your mother out of it. You don't need that in your life anymore. You might have had to deal with it as a kid, but as an adult, you have the choice to walk away.
    :flowerforyou:
  • RabbitMccool
    RabbitMccool Posts: 7
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    Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.


    Im sorry you have to go thru this. But I agree, mother or not.. dont let her treat you like this! it will only bring you down.
    P.S. your never alone! God is always on your side!!!
  • lizsmith1976
    lizsmith1976 Posts: 497 Member
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    You can accept her for who she is, a selfish and cruel person with emotional limitations, forgive the past, and move on. Without her in your life. Sometimes you have to do that. You owe her nothing and you certainly don't owe her your own happiness and emotional health.

    You don't have to let her do this to you. You don't have to let anyone do this to you.

    Maybe she will turn it around and be different and apologize someday, and maybe she won't. Either way, any time apart will be her loss and for your gain.

    Sorry :(
  • MizAngie
    MizAngie Posts: 113 Member
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    Borderline Mother. By Christine Lawson.

    Great book, got it from my councillor. No excuse for what she does to you. NONE.
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
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    Barring mental health issues, there's no excuse for treating your child so badly. Even my older kids who have made horrible choices and have hurt me with some of their actions get my love and affections. Perhaps a stern talking to when they've crossed boundaries, but then it's over. What she's doing is abusive.

    I'm with the "get counseling" crew. You need to get your head right regarding HER bad behavior, and seek to be healthy in all arenas of your life.
  • NiagaraCheryl
    NiagaraCheryl Posts: 56 Member
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    I've had my own issues with my mother. I do love her, and I know she will help me out whenever I need it. However, she has said some nasty things about me - to me and to others. Some things were weight related, but not all.

    I've learned to cut back the visits and not take the abuse anymore. I truly believe that if you just keep accepting the bad behaviour you're giving permission for it to continue.

    I suggest that you back away for awhile and when you do visit, if the abuse starts up, simply leave without any fanfare. Make the space between visits longer and longer as long as the abuse continues. If it abates, then visit more frequently. You can set the tone. I also recommend seeing a counsellor.
  • TwinkieDong
    TwinkieDong Posts: 1,564 Member
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    I also have issues with my mom. Not so much or extreme as yourself. However it is strained to say the least. I just deal with it by not contributing to it, no seeing her, and if she wants to see me she will call.

    I know it is your mom and we cant choose who our parents are, however you can chose how you will be if you have children. In addition give her space and either she will come around or she wont. You may need to confront her in front of everyone and be persistent, be rude, get your point across.
  • catneon
    catneon Posts: 911 Member
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    My advice is same as what has been said, get some counseling because things are much easier said than done and try to stop seeing her no one should be treated badly by anyone let alone their parents.
  • LonLB
    LonLB Posts: 1,126 Member
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    i always believed that you should love your family no matter what. me personally, i wouldn't visit her as oftan, but i wouldn't cut her out completely. maybe visit her every other month or even just on holidays, that may help.


    I have family members that may as well be dead to me.

    And couldn't be happier with the decision. Somewhere along the line my parents screwed up because they always talked about how important family was etc, and I'm not a family person.

    To me a ****ty person is a ****ty person no matter what title I have to give them.
  • Capt_Inzane
    Capt_Inzane Posts: 733 Member
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    Family or nonFamily, people that put you down need to just go away
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    I'm so sorry honey. I couldn't ever imagine doing that to my own girls, and I have three. Each has their own unique gift to bring to the table and I love them all.
    I would cut back on the visits, but do see a counselor. It would help a great deal.
  • Danny_Boy13
    Danny_Boy13 Posts: 2,094 Member
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    Save yourself now. Find a good counselor to help you work through this. Stop visiting your mother. Move on and create a wonderful life for yourself and stop tolerating people who treat you badly.

    ^^^ This.... Although I do not know all of the whole story but from what I told I would say that you can still see or talk to her, but not as frequent. Maybe only see her once a month or two.
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
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    unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. doesn't matter if it's ur mom. don't accept unnacceptable behavior.

    i get a lot of unacceptable behavior from mine. i've had to cope by distancing myself.

    i DON'T believe in giving someone a pass *just because* s/he is family.
    i DON'T believe in respecting someone *just because* s/he is family.

    if u r a db, i don't care who u r. u r not gonna b in my life, blood or no blood. what u described is db behavior. i would not stand for it.
  • andysmom
    andysmom Posts: 61 Member
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    I have similar issues with my Dad. I have learned (took a while - I'm 51) that I can forgive him - because hate, anger, etc. is bad for ME. However, I don't include him in my life. I see him occasionally and I am pleasant and polite, but I don't let him into the interior of my life. It is important to protect yourself from people who don't love you. LOVE means "willing the good of the other". By that definition, he doesn't love me. I accept that he has issues I can't understand or affect. He has to take care of himself and I have to take care of me.

    Hang in there hon, and spend your time and energy on people who love you and want the best for you. It takes time to reach this peace. Good luck.

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