The "I get to Freak Out" thread...

I have a very dear friend who is unable to post this on her own steam, and therefore I am posting it by proxy.
This is not MY STORY, but it is hers, and it is one she cannot share on her own right now.

This is a story by a woman who has endured much and is overcoming one step at a time.. and if anyone needs support, it's her.

Feel free to comment, encourage, support, motivate, or gif like crazy.

to my nameless heroine

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I need to stop this feeling I've got. (Illustration below)



Did you know that 7 seven months ago, when I started to train for this Spartan race, that I couldn't start with worrying about things like pushups and climbing 15 foot walls. I had to start with two months of trusting myself.

When you've been wrecked in a... wreck, and you have to be put back together - you so often feel that your parts are all balancing on top of each other - any piece could slip out of place, or if someone lets go of the string, you'll collapse in a pile of wooden person parts.



So I started with things that absolutely terrify me. Like going downstairs without holding on the railing with a death grip. (probably why I dont have much grip problems with Deadlift). Things like walking along the edge of the curbs in a straight line without tumbling off. Things like simply running on a wet sidewalk, or going for hours-long walks in slippery scary slush slow. Trying to strengthen my ankles and make myself more sure-footed.

I see all these people Im racing with attacking it all. ZombieChaser was boxing and stuff, Gorilla was crawling across fields in the early morning practicing for barbed wire obstacles. Apollo, one of my best friends is always working out right there (points to my squat rack -_-), is training for a string of triathlons and this is one more thing to conquer along the way for him. Brett n Lea are pretty much leveling their home towns. FlyEaglesGuy was basically born running around Spartaning. WhotheHellisBen is probably launching boulders off a mountainside somewhere. JoyousRen is like whatevssssss Ive done 94 of these bishes. And Desterknee and Esclo are like HEY LETS GO ROCK CLIMBING FIRST!

And there I am getting super excited about getting to the bottom of two flights of stairs, semi-quickly, without holding handrails.



Anyway, this past weekend, every time i went down the double stairwells of concrete death and doom to the underground, i was terrified but speeding along down them. trying hard not to grab the rails.

I did 94 workouts since January 1st til today in preparation for this race. I think I can make the actual race workout #100.

I've been pretty private (especially for me) about how very much this race has scared me and forced me out of my protected little happy padded cell.

To have to painfully teach myself that accepting help isnt shameful, no matter how long i've been burning it into my brain that I have to be able to help myself, in every situation, without any safety net, because that's how it's been my entire adult life. No partner to lean on, no hand up for anything. I always trained myself to believe that accepting help means admitting you are too weak to pull your own weight, and that's most definitely something to be ashamed of. Especially if you start relying on it, believing it will always be there (when you know it absolutely will not be) - that is a fatal mistake and BAD HABIT. -slaps wrists-

See, im still fighting with that one.

To stop putting so much pressure on myself to do so exceptionally well that my two bffs are actually proud of me and holy crap i had no idea she was actually good at anything!! cause that scenario is now impossible, being that I have to walk probably at least half the race and I'll be getting help even doing that. The disappointment after busting my *kitten* for seven months and now not even being able to really show anything for it, breaks my heart. And it's gonna happen in front of people i have way too much respect for, which just makes it that much more crushing. The level of stress associated with this one has pretty much completely screwed up my hormones and sleep patterns and now my period is like a week late cause Im all Flight or Fight 24/7.

To constantly fight with the part of myself that is really really really really loud and always screaming in my face that I'm being stupid, that I have no business putting my body into this kind of danger, im not sure-footed, Im clumsy, Im going to accidentally kick someone's teeth out (:sad:), Im awkward, Im damaged, Im injured, Im irresponsible and going to permanently injure myself and I KNOW BETTER THAN TO PULL A STUNT LIKE THIS. You're acting like an unsupervised child again! You can't just go running off and doing something like this! You're going to lose a major/important JOINT SYSTEM!

That one is easy cause to combat the voice in your head saying no, all you gotta do is rebel and rebellions are always fun.



it's that second one that has been taking the most effort to overcome. The first time attempting to achieve anything while people are watching. People important to me. It makes me shy.

Anytime I've ever attempted something and achieved it, it was because I gave it my everything and put my head down and plowed through it all. I used all my shine for myself and made it happen. It's a tough, humiliating, private war and I've never had to do it in front of anyone before. It's scaring me to be a disappointment.

I also am nervous about meeting people who have preconceived notions about what I must be like in person after knowing me or seeing me around the internet for awhile.

I'm shiny. I know that. I own that. But I worry that some people (because of every past experience I've ever had at a meetup) may be expecting me to be this bright, wide eyed, half-grown child that runs off at any shiny distraction... and the worst part is that it's true. But I try to protect myself by hiding who I really am and keeping trying my best and expending all my effort on trying to come off as a normal, quiet, boring, grownup that mostly stares back and forth and listens to conversations til I can sneak off and lay in the grass and take pictures of butterflies.

So Im working really hard on making sure I dont do that this time too :frown:

It's an insane amount of mental battles ive been fighting for this race since the very beginning. It was originally going to be a race that had nothing at all to do with MFP but then it switched to this one and now there are all these familiar faces that are going to be all tangible and 3D right there in front of me...



So now it's just the final countdown.

Im dressing like Batman for the race, totally by accident, a black and yellow blur hopefully before getting covered in mud and indistinguishable from everyone else. emerging black and red and blue later. Hopefully toasting with my friends at the finish line and not sitting alone in some aid tent.



Haven't you ever been so consumed with being someone people can be proud of but you know it's just not in the cards this time?



It's sucks, right? makes your eyes burn. So I'm spending this week eating 110 grams of protein a day, doing my physical therapy, using crutches as often as possible instead of being stupid, elevating my foot, getting pretty ripely buzzed each night so I can sleep 8 hours and fighting in my brain while my leg is elevated, trying to fix my mental state before Saturday.

My bedroom is always a physical representation of the state of my current mental health. If it's cluttered and creative and twinkle lights then so I am. Right now, you can't even find the floor and my bed is covered in all the projects that are causing me stress and I cant lay on them cause they are pointy.

So tonight, I have to organize my room and take care of that insanity while fixing the insanity in my head and hopefully be in a much better mental state by Friday.



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