Stop deleting your friends with an ED!
MinimalistShoeAddict
Posts: 1,946 Member
Why are so many people on MFP who struggle with an ED abandoned by their "healthy" friends? Often I see posts about how someone does not want friends who eats under "xxxx" calories or talks about struggles with purging after a binge.
Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.
If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.
My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.
However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.
We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.
Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.
If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.
My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.
However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.
We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.
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Replies
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I won't delete friends with an ED but I DO delete those who fast and go on about how they 'ruined' things because they 'broke' and ate a bread roll. Some use this to fuel their ED, some to beat it. If they're on here to beat it, then sure, be on my friends list. But I DON'T need to read that behaviour from people I don't even know and owe nothing to. Reality.
Oh and FWIW I've suffered on and off with a self starve ED which I seem to have beaten - mostly by following this plan. If they don't want to recognise that they are disordered I'd rather put attention into those who do/0 -
Some people have disordered eating in their past or even just below the surface & adding or keeping friends who talk about their issues or who are demonstrating disordered eating behaviors in their diaries could be a trigger for them.
I think this might be the case for quite a few people who clearly state who they will & won't "friend" here, and I think that is perfectly reasonable, as everyone is doing the best they can for themselves, and can't be expected to support others even if it means they are doing harm to themselves.0 -
I don't delete anyone except creeps, but I haven't had any yet. I have people clearly suffering from an ED and I just don't encourage them. I find it stupid to say 'good job' when the person ate <600 cals that day.
I am one of those who are afraid to post around here because I am at a low weight. If I started complaining about my jiggly thighs I'm sure I would not get any support, so I chose to do my thing quietly. I just like a lean look on myself, but I also stay healthy(eat 1500 + workout).0 -
Agreed. If I notice girls going through anorexia or anything of that nature I friend them, talk to them, and make sure my dairy is open to then so they can see that you CAN eat tons and still get results. Oh, usually they unfriend ME because I don't tell them what they wana hear. Lol.0
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I do not delete them, but as a recovering ED person I do not encourage it either. Like poster said above I m not going to congratulate them on eating <800 calories, and when they complain about breaking down and eating so much (like a piece of bread) I openly express how stupid the logic of eating at such a calorie deficit then eating one piece of bread is. I also encourage them to seek help, preferably professional, honestly many of then DELETE me. Which I am fine with, you cannot help the unwilling. You know the old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink"? Yeah.
I myself eat 1580 (tree at goal weight with deficit of about 20%) and I eat back my work out calories. This is recent until this month I was eating 1600 to 2200.0 -
I think that there are a significant amount of ppl on here that are knowingly doing a vlcd and may not have an eating disorder as defined by the dsm. I prefer to be friends with those who are doing it the healthy way, and that's my prerogative. Why have those habits poison my vibe reading that ish day to day? I don't need the stress, I got my own problems lol0
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OP...have you ever even had a friend with an ED...in real life or mfp???
The reason I ask is because if you had you may have an inkling what a destructive and depressing and draining condition it is...not just for the person with the ED...but for their friends and family....it can be incredibly difficult to be around as an onlooker.
I have a past of disordered eating and I will accept friends in recovery ...but not if the are still in the clutches....0 -
I struggle with disordered eating. My relationship with food & my body is not very good, but I'm getting help. I will keep them on my list if they are recovering and trying, but sometimes I have to delete them because they bring me down. I bring myself down too much, so I don't need to see these really skinny girls saying they're fat when they're smaller than me. Now I know that I do that as well & some people may feel the same way, but this is my safe place, so I try to get triggers away here. Because they're all over the place in real life. It makes me very sad to see others struggling as well, but I know I can't really help them either.0
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Personally, I find it hard to have people actively encouraging disordered eating in my timeline. Not because I am against it, but because I suffered from it for years. I know I have weak moments where I think "If I restrict that...." and "Must exercise more today" (even though I'm whacked) - I know that seeing encouragement of this way of life is only going to be like lighting fuel for me because I'm impressionable - even though I'm nearly 30 years old.
I have a caveat in my profile that states that if anyone wants any genuine help or to talk about getting into recovery, they are welcome to contact me - I mean that and stand by it wholeheartedly because I do not want anybody to make the mistakes I made which led me to nearly 300lbs. I just cannot be around the environment that encourages an unhealthy perspective on food/exercise because I am prone to falling into the trap I did for so long.
I also say that if anyone finds mental health triggering that they should not add me as a friend, for the same reasons - I don't want to exacerbate another's demons.0 -
I don't delete people as a rule. We're all here for our own reasons. In the past I have lost quite a few RL friends, not specifically over my weight but, since I was the only FAT (yes, that is the word. Not cuddly, not huggable. I'm fat) one amongst us, I found myself invited less and less to social events.
The straw broke when I learned that a "friend" was pregnant, 20 wks and climbing, through a picture I spotted on FB, not through anybody bothering to tell me. Upon closer inspection I found that this friend and others from the same social circle, had been away for a mini break. This hurt, as I'd always thought we were all good friends, and i cut them loose, straight away.
If you have an ED , whether you're underweight and hoping to gain, or overweight, like me, and hoping to lose. Whether your here to increase strength or just balance your overall health, I am more than happy to accept a freind request. But not just to make the numbers.
If you feel we have something in common, or that I might be worth getting to know as a friend, by all means add me. But please just post a little message too. I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people on here, but if we have nothing in common, whatsoever, I have to wonder why exactly you'd want to add the "fat outcast" to your social network.
Thanks for reading this, which has rambled on and kinda gone of subject a bit.
FRIENDS WITH AN ED ARE STILL FRIENDS!0 -
Yes I have friends who suffer from ED both in real life and on MFP. That is exactly why I know how important it is to remain supportive of their recovery process and not push them away if they relapse.
I do not push away friends who are struggling with or binge eating or alcoholism either. Everyone has difficulty with something. Everyone needs supportOP...have you ever even had a friend with an ED...in real life or mfp???
The reason I ask is because if you had you may have an inkling what a destructive and depressing and draining condition it is...not just for the person with the ED...but for their friends and family....it can be incredibly difficult to be around as an onlooker.
I have a past of disordered eating and I will accept friends in recovery ...but not if the are still in the clutches....0 -
I don't delete people as a rule. We're all here for our own reasons. In the past I have lost quite a few RL friends, not specifically over my weight but, since I was the only FAT (yes, that is the word. Not cuddly, not huggable. I'm fat) one amongst us, I found myself invited less and less to social events.
The straw broke when I learned that a "friend" was pregnant, 20 wks and climbing, through a picture I spotted on FB, not through anybody bothering to tell me. Upon closer inspection I found that this friend and others from the same social circle, had been away for a mini break. This hurt, as I'd always thought we were all good friends, and i cut them loose, straight away.
If you have an ED , whether you're underweight and hoping to gain, or overweight, like me, and hoping to lose. Whether your here to increase strength or just balance your overall health, I am more than happy to accept a freind request. But not just to make the numbers.
If you feel we have something in common, or that I might be worth getting to know as a friend, by all means add me. But please just post a little message too. I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people on here, but if we have nothing in common, whatsoever, I have to wonder why exactly you'd want to add the "fat outcast" to your social network.
Thanks for reading this, which has rambled on and kinda gone of subject a bit.
FRIENDS WITH AN ED ARE STILL FRIENDS!
Thank you for posting this! Sorry to hear about how some of your friends treated you. Everyone needs support0 -
Yes I have friends who suffer from ED both in real life and on MFP. That is exactly why I know how important it is to remain supportive of their recovery process and not push them away if they relapse.
I do not push away friends who are struggling with or binge eating or alcoholism either. Everyone has difficulty with something. Everyone needs supportOP...have you ever even had a friend with an ED...in real life or mfp???
The reason I ask is because if you had you may have an inkling what a destructive and depressing and draining condition it is...not just for the person with the ED...but for their friends and family....it can be incredibly difficult to be around as an onlooker.
I have a past of disordered eating and I will accept friends in recovery ...but not if the are still in the clutches....
you assume everyone with an ED is trying to get better. That is a false assumption.0 -
I don't delete people as a rule. We're all here for our own reasons. In the past I have lost quite a few RL friends, not specifically over my weight but, since I was the only FAT (yes, that is the word. Not cuddly, not huggable. I'm fat) one amongst us, I found myself invited less and less to social events.
The straw broke when I learned that a "friend" was pregnant, 20 wks and climbing, through a picture I spotted on FB, not through anybody bothering to tell me. Upon closer inspection I found that this friend and others from the same social circle, had been away for a mini break. This hurt, as I'd always thought we were all good friends, and i cut them loose, straight away.
If you have an ED , whether you're underweight and hoping to gain, or overweight, like me, and hoping to lose. Whether your here to increase strength or just balance your overall health, I am more than happy to accept a freind request. But not just to make the numbers.
If you feel we have something in common, or that I might be worth getting to know as a friend, by all means add me. But please just post a little message too. I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people on here, but if we have nothing in common, whatsoever, I have to wonder why exactly you'd want to add the "fat outcast" to your social network.
Thanks for reading this, which has rambled on and kinda gone of subject a bit.
FRIENDS WITH AN ED ARE STILL FRIENDS!
Thank you for posting this! Sorry to hear about how some of your friends treated you. Everyone needs support
exactly,, and some people are better suited to provide that level of support than others. i've deleted people with undereating EDs same as I have deleted people with overeating EDs who use their MFP as a forum to continue to give excuses as to why they want to stay on their unhealthy path.
i'm all for supporting people but i really have better things to do than to get involved in a timesuck of trying to support someone who doesn't want it.0 -
I mostly delete people who I feel are not earnest with others. Trying and failing is different than lying about trying and failing. I like having diverse friends with different views, but if I feel like someone is trying to troll me then it's game over. I don't like when you see the same pattern of... X person trying the same Y thing over and over without adjusting something to make it work better.
People jump on this positive bandwagon telling them "it's okay.. it's okay..." I'm fine with positive reinforcement, but to me just wishing for things to be better and taking progressive steps to ACTUALLY change thing for the better =/=. I think it's destructive when people just sugar coat the truth all the time. Balance in all things is really the key. It's the problem with "Yes" men. If you're familiar with this term you should understand the dangers of keeping around people who aren't REALLY your friends. Real friends will be critical and supportive.
A lot of my friends let's say are Democrats.. when they start talking to a new person and find out they're Republican they get taken a back.. to me it's not really a big deal. The sum of one person is greater than each individual part, with that said... people can be completely enjoyable with different interests... People often mistake differences in interests with differences in personalities. The biggest problem is when a supportive thing turns into a self perpetuating thing.
Keeping friends that are making an effort whether they have an ED or not isn't the deal breaker for me. It's when people advertise and try to spread "stupid" then it becomes a problem. I'm not dealing with people who give other women advice like "use low weight, so you don't get bulky."0 -
I do. I don't feel guilty about it either.
I'm not a psychologist and I'm not qualified to deal with such things. I'm not a parent, counselor, teacher, or anyone else who's involved in their life. Being an 'online friend' leaves you with a very limited ability to help and often times, with my complete inability to bite my tongue, I more often than not, will do more harm than good.
I also can't deal with irrational and often overly dramatic status updates. I've had people with ED's on my list and I treat them the same way I've treated them with people in my real life that have gone through addiction. As soon as their willing to help themselves and make smart choices I'm with them 100% but until they make that decision their on their own.0 -
If someone recognises that they have an ED and are seeking the appropriate help for it, then I'm more than happy to encourage them and help them in any way I can. But, not everyone with an ED is trying to get better. In fact, a lot of the people I've seen on here with EDs are looking for validation of their VLCD. I am not qualified to help these people and as a consequence may actually do more harm than good.0
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i don't delete anyone. i'm a trrible mfp friend but i'm fair.0
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Considered they may be doing it for their own protection if they consider it a 'trigger'?
I often struggle to keep up sustained healthy low calorie eating. never mind reducing the calories even further, so not an issue for me!0 -
For me it comes down to this...
Someone with an ED and trying to over come it, lead a more normal life sure I see no reason not to be friends with them
Someone with an ED who fall into the "pro...whatever" category... no thanks...they are hurting themselves and gaining pleasure from it I am not the kind of person to stick my nose in so being friends with them would be of no benefit to me or them
x0 -
So far I have not noticed anyone with ED on my friendlist. The only times I have deleted people so far is if they have not logged in for X amount of days/months or if all they post in the news feed is foul language. If they can't be bothered to be here then I can't offer them any support or vice verse so I don't see the point with them being on my list.0
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I don't delete good friends, no matter what their struggle.
I do however delete drama queens. To each his own but they just cost me too much energy and I need that for me and my friends. I look for likeminded people, who want to work hard, want to be healthy. Who have a positive attitude. So far, the people I have met on MFP with an ED tend to have a lot of drama going on and don't share the same outlook on life. That's fine, just not for me.0 -
I have lost quite a few RL friends, not specifically over my weight but, since I was the only FAT (yes, that is the word. Not cuddly, not huggable. I'm fat) one amongst us, I found myself invited less and less to social events.
The straw broke when I learned that a "friend" was pregnant, 20 wks and climbing, through a picture I spotted on FB, not through anybody bothering to tell me. Upon closer inspection I found that this friend and others from the same social circle, had been away for a mini break. This hurt, as I'd always thought we were all good friends, and i cut them loose, straight away.
Sorry, I know this isn't relevant to the topic... But my friends recently did the EXACT same thing :ohwell:
I'm actually kinda glad I'm not the only one. How strange.0 -
Ah, yes, gotta love black and white thinking.
Seriously, if you can help, great, if you feel the best course is to sever ties, do it.0 -
I don't delete good friends, no matter what their struggle.
I do however delete drama queens. To each his own but they just cost me too much energy and I need that for me and my friends. I look for likeminded people, who want to work hard, want to be healthy. Who have a positive attitude. So far, the people I have met on MFP with an ED tend to have a lot of drama going on and don't share the same outlook on life. That's fine, just not for me.
^This.
An ED is one thing. Attention-whoring is another. Having my feed flooded with constant melodrama is something I'm not interested in, and I don't think that's so unreasonable.
That, and being told "I hope I don't trigger you" kinda ticks me off.0 -
Why are so many people on MFP who struggle with an ED abandoned by their "healthy" friends? Often I see posts about how someone does not want friends who eats under "xxxx" calories or talks about struggles with purging after a binge.
Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.
If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.
My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.
However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.
We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.
I agree. Everyone should receive support. I do understand that it's triggering for others and in that case, you need to look out for yourself but if it doesn't trigger and you feel like you can help then that's a great thing.0 -
Maybe because we're not trained professionals here, and some people don't really get involved in something that serious?0
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I think you're right, most people do tend to delete members with an ED but I want to say it's not everybody either.
I'm glad I have the friends I have on here because they all accept me for who I am, ED and all, and they don't judge but support me fully. To be fair, I'm trying my best to recover and I don't encourage others with "thinspiration" quotes and stuff to starve themselves, etc. I can understand people not wanting to read that.
Otherwise, yes, I get where you're coming from
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"I hope I don't trigger you"
what does this mean?0 -
"I hope I don't trigger you"
what does this mean?
Not sure.
I was told the implication is that I too have an ED, which is downright insulting. Hence the ticked off me and consequential delete of the individual who said it.0
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