Stop deleting your friends with an ED!
Replies
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It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Anorexia and bulimia are recognized clinical disorders. I simply don't have the kind of background required to give these people the support they need. To pretend otherwise would be doing them and myself a disservice.0
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It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:
^ so much of this0 -
it's painful to watch somebody starve themselves to death. when you try everything you know how to say to get them to see the error of their ways and yet they still log a single 200 calorie cup of cappuccino as their total intake for the day, every day, day after day... then the only choice you have is to stop watching.
that's why i deleted somebody with an ED. they need professional help and i'm not a professional. but that doesn't mean i didn't care... it means i cared plenty.0 -
With these cases it makes total sense. I don't browse my news feed that often but I keep people even in the active phase of eating disorders. I try to help them when I can, maybe try to gently talk a little sense into them, but I can at least set a healthy example by showing them what happens when you eat at a very small calorie deficit and lift.Some people have disordered eating in their past or even just below the surface & adding or keeping friends who talk about their issues or who are demonstrating disordered eating behaviors in their diaries could be a trigger for them.
I think this might be the case for quite a few people who clearly state who they will & won't "friend" here, and I think that is perfectly reasonable, as everyone is doing the best they can for themselves, and can't be expected to support others even if it means they are doing harm to themselves.0 -
To be honest one of my dearest friends growing up had an ED..it was so difficult knowing what to say and what not to say. I had to watch every word. She would make comments about what I was eating. She constantly asked me if I thought she was fat and ugly and stupid. No matter how much I gave her positive thoughts and told her good things it was hard. Eventually her parents sent her away to get help and we lost touch.
This journey ;to be honest of losing weight is stressful and hard enough without the added stress of someone with an ED. I honestly can sympathize for them but I can not at this time in my journey give them the type of support they need without putting added stress on myself.
I don't mean to hurt any feelings but I can't at this time take on friends with an ED. Better to be honest then hurt someone more by adding them and then dropping them.0 -
Erectile dysfunction?0
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Why are so many people on MFP who struggle with an ED abandoned by their "healthy" friends? Often I see posts about how someone does not want friends who eats under "xxxx" calories or talks about struggles with purging after a binge.
Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.
If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.
My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.
However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.
We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.
I agree. Everyone should receive support. I do understand that it's triggering for others and in that case, you need to look out for yourself but if it doesn't trigger and you feel like you can help then that's a great thing.
There is no stipulation when signing up to this site saying you must provide support.
I'm probably going to sound cold, but my job is stressful, I deal with a lot of similar things and worse. I find it extremely draining. I don't want to log on to MFP and deal with that as well. I didn't sign up on this site to be a counsellor. Everyone has a bad day, I'm not saying I don't want anything negative from my MFP friends, but I just can't be that person that you expect everyone to be. I am not a trained professional in dealing with ED, many people are beyond what anyone here can offer.
I haven't noticed anyone on my FL with an ED, but I don't check diaries.
There are plenty of people on here who are willing to provide that type of support, not all of us have to be.0 -
It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:
^ so much of this
^I have to say this. Everyone has issues but I am not at a place to be able to lend the kind of support that people with EDs need.0 -
I don't like negativity in my life. I know I am not qualified to help. I wish them well and hope they find the help they need.0
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"I hope I don't trigger you"
what does this mean?
It means that the person hopes that whatever they are doing doesn't cause the other to fall off the wagon, so to speak.0 -
I am recovery from anorexia myself. I don't delete anyone recoverying or struggling, HOWEVER, if some of those friends eat <800, (with an open diary), exersise for hours and congratulate themselves on getting to 90lbs, I have to delete them because it is far too triggering seeing someone excited about there fast when I'm dealing with feeling bad sometimes about eating the calories my body needs.0
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I will support people who are trying to recover from an ED. I will NOT support people who have an ED and are actively looking for ways to continue to eat even less.
As a mother, I have that instinct to try to 'fix problems'. I find it too stressful to watch people trying to starve themselves to death. I have my own struggles, and I don't have the extra energy to pour into trying to help someone who doesn't actually want my help.
It might sound cold, but I'm here to fix *me*.0 -
It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:
^ so much of this
^I have to say this. Everyone has issues but I am not at a place to be able to lend the kind of support that people with EDs need.
All of the above.
If someone is truly in recovery, I would not delete. But in my experience, all the friends I used to have were not in recovery and weren't interested in any help or questioning of their 1200 calorie exercise burns while consuming only 600 calories. Most were only looking for validation and unquestioning acceptance. And I had plenty of inbox conversations with a couple of them. I am not equipped to deal effectively with the issue, so I encouraged them to reach out to a professional for help and I cut them loose.0 -
People with EDs aren't (at least, shouldn't be!) looking to be magically fixed by some stranger over the internet. I disagree with the "I can't give them the support they need because I'm not a professional" argument. You're right; you can't fix them. But the "professionals" do not and cannot comprise a person's entire support system.
But if someone is posting things that aren't at all relevant to you, why would you want anyone like that on your feed to begin with? I don't friend a whole lot of guys who are into bulking up because that's not what I'm about. I think the conversation needs reframed not as "deleting friends with an ED" but "deleting friends who don't jive with what you're doing here".
One note, though -- too much of that, and ED folks (full disclosure: like myself) will only have other ED folks' posts on their feed, and no constructive examples or healthy support. I think non-ED MFPers reaching out is an important way to keep MFP from developing (or worsening) insular "pro-ED" pits.0 -
I don't delete people as a rule. We're all here for our own reasons. In the past I have lost quite a few RL friends, not specifically over my weight but, since I was the only FAT (yes, that is the word. Not cuddly, not huggable. I'm fat) one amongst us, I found myself invited less and less to social events.
The straw broke when I learned that a "friend" was pregnant, 20 wks and climbing, through a picture I spotted on FB, not through anybody bothering to tell me. Upon closer inspection I found that this friend and others from the same social circle, had been away for a mini break. This hurt, as I'd always thought we were all good friends, and i cut them loose, straight away.
If you have an ED , whether you're underweight and hoping to gain, or overweight, like me, and hoping to lose. Whether your here to increase strength or just balance your overall health, I am more than happy to accept a freind request. But not just to make the numbers.
If you feel we have something in common, or that I might be worth getting to know as a friend, by all means add me. But please just post a little message too. I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people on here, but if we have nothing in common, whatsoever, I have to wonder why exactly you'd want to add the "fat outcast" to your social network.
Thanks for reading this, which has rambled on and kinda gone of subject a bit.
FRIENDS WITH AN ED ARE STILL FRIENDS!
Thank you for posting this! Sorry to hear about how some of your friends treated you. Everyone needs support
exactly,, and some people are better suited to provide that level of support than others. i've deleted people with undereating EDs same as I have deleted people with overeating EDs who use their MFP as a forum to continue to give excuses as to why they want to stay on their unhealthy path.
i'm all for supporting people but i really have better things to do than to get involved in a timesuck of trying to support someone who doesn't want it.
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I delete them. I don’t want to log on to constantly see how some one is “feeling like a cow and not eating over 500 anymore”. Sorry. I’m sorry they are experiencing this mental illness, but I don’t need to put myself in distress over some one else’s problems. My priorities are my family, work and school. A stranger and their eating disorder don’t register on my list of things to worry over.0
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Could not have said it betterI don't delete good friends, no matter what their struggle.
I do however delete drama queens. To each his own but they just cost me too much energy and I need that for me and my friends. I look for likeminded people, who want to work hard, want to be healthy. Who have a positive attitude. So far, the people I have met on MFP with an ED tend to have a lot of drama going on and don't share the same outlook on life. That's fine, just not for me.
^This.
An ED is one thing. Attention-whoring is another. Having my feed flooded with constant melodrama is something I'm not interested in, and I don't think that's so unreasonable.
That, and being told "I hope I don't trigger you" kinda ticks me off.0 -
Beautifully stated :flowerforyou:0
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I have friends with ED's on my list and am willing to keep them around if they are working hard at getting better. I can set a good example for those who are eating vlcd and doing hours of cardio. *But I will not keep friends who are constantly complaining about being 90lbs and too fat when they are doing nothing to get well.*
I often get PM's from girls who are have ED behaviors who wish to look like I do. They ask me what my secret is? I tell them I eat a lot of good food and lift weights. If they see my progress and watch my diary/profile.. it could maybe help them in the right direction. If that's all I can do - it is fine with me.0 -
I have nothing really that great to contribute to this thread other than, could you have said "eating disorder" rather than "ED" ?? is it really saving you that much time? it took me forever to realize ED was for eating disorder and not Erectile Dysfunction. If you were a woman posting the words ED i wouldnt have thought that.0
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It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:
^ so much of this
Completely agreed.0 -
Some people have disordered eating in their past or even just below the surface & adding or keeping friends who talk about their issues or who are demonstrating disordered eating behaviors in their diaries could be a trigger for them.
I think this might be the case for quite a few people who clearly state who they will & won't "friend" here, and I think that is perfectly reasonable, as everyone is doing the best they can for themselves, and can't be expected to support others even if it means they are doing harm to themselves.
For me. . . this. I have a history of it, and it can be very triggering to see someone talk about how "fat" they are and how they ruined everything because they ate an extra bowl of cereal while only eating 1200 calories a day, yet I'm eating 2000 calories. It leads me back to thinking that maybe I'm eating too much and I need to start cutting stuff out again, etc.0 -
It can be draining to see someone doing something destructive day after day and not trying to change. Honesty doesn't allow much to praise them for. Tact constrains what can be said that won't potentially make things worse. Even when maximum tact is employed, telling someone with a full blown ED the kindest possible version of the truth usually ends up with them deleting you. They may well come on the forums and claim they were deleted by others, but sometimes that's the ED talking, not reality.0
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I already get negativity in life and on YouYube as a vlogger. I don't need any negativity here. What I do with my account is my business. My tag line proves that.0
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To be perfectly honest, this is the internet.
You have friends on a friends list.
You choose who you want to be friends with (just like IRL).
If you want to stop being friends with someone, then you have every right to.
THIS IS THE INTERNET. I'm not going to sit here and cry because some random stranger on the internet is no longer "friends" with me....
People with ED need professional help that I am not qualified to give. I don't know if anyone one my friends list has an ED.
Personally, I only delete people if they have been inactive for a month or more.
But this is MY friends list. I want people on my list that inspire me, and people on my list that are on the same path as me. Similar ages, backgrounds, height, same weight to lose, similar exercise interests, etc...
We exercise, we eat, and we discuss our issues.
But I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a nutritionist.
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just honest.
I'm not going to delete someone JUST because that person has an ED. But I'm not looking for that either. And I will check your diary. And if I see you are consistantly under 1000 calories, I WILL ask what's up.0 -
For me it comes down to this...
Someone with an ED and trying to over come it, lead a more normal life sure I see no reason not to be friends with them
Someone with an ED who fall into the "pro...whatever" category... no thanks...they are hurting themselves and gaining pleasure from it I am not the kind of person to stick my nose in so being friends with them would be of no benefit to me or them
x
This, pretty much. Though I've never deleted something with ED because I haven't had reason to yet.
I find that friends who eat super low and "punish" themselves tend to delete me anyway, because I consistently tell them it's not healthy and they don't want to hear it.0 -
It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:
^ so much of this
This!
BTW, I see anorexia mentioned a lot. Binge eating is also an ED. Both drive me crazy and are things I just don't understand.
This is just as much about a healthy mind as a healthy body and I see a lot of people failing to recognize that.
People know what they have to do yet are somehow unable to do it. Mind boggling really.0 -
I don't intentionally delete people with an eating disorder based on their ED. I do delete them based on their friends, though. As my mama always said "you are judged by the company you keep." When all of their friends are saying "good job" on their diary of 400 calories, I have to question their motives and who they choose to hang around with. Choosing friends who support the ED shows me they aren't interested in truly getting help. (Just as a recovering alcoholic shouldn't be hanging around in a bar with drunks; a person with ED shouldn't be hanging around with people not interested in recovery. I say this as someone with a counseling background.)
This is my second go round on MFP - the first time I had friends with varying thoughts on how to lose weight (with or without regards to being healthy). This time, I've limited my friends list to those with a healthy mindset (balance) living the same lifestyle I am (paleo/primal). To me, it's not about how many friends you have, but having friends who will encourage and motivate you in the right way.0 -
Some people have disordered eating in their past or even just below the surface & adding or keeping friends who talk about their issues or who are demonstrating disordered eating behaviors in their diaries could be a trigger for them.
I think this might be the case for quite a few people who clearly state who they will & won't "friend" here, and I think that is perfectly reasonable, as everyone is doing the best they can for themselves, and can't be expected to support others even if it means they are doing harm to themselves.
For me. . . this. I have a history of it, and it can be very triggering to see someone talk about how "fat" they are and how they ruined everything because they ate an extra bowl of cereal while only eating 1200 calories a day, yet I'm eating 2000 calories. It leads me back to thinking that maybe I'm eating too much and I need to start cutting stuff out again, etc.
Same here. When I see it, I start questioning what I'm doing and get down on myself. I won't keep someone around that's doing it and thinking it's a positive thing. If someone is asking for help, that would be different. The worst for me is seeing a diary of 850 calories for the day, and then a bunch of d-bags saying "congrats! way to keep it low!" all over that status. That is infuriating to me.0
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