Stop deleting your friends with an ED!
Replies
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Great post. I would never delete someone for that reason, but I'm also not going to enable them or support that behavior. I will definitely encourage them to get help as soon as possible.0
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I've never been deleted for my ED, but I'm pretty up front about it. If you have a problem with it I wont lose any sleep. I'm trying to learn how to have a better relationship with food and my body. It's my struggle if you want to share in the ride great if not so be it.0
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Why are so many people on MFP who struggle with an ED abandoned by their "healthy" friends? Often I see posts about how someone does not want friends who eats under "xxxx" calories or talks about struggles with purging after a binge.
Most people on MFP are not deleting friends who are morbidly obese and are still struggling to lose weight. So why are you deleting people who are thin and struggling with anorexia or bulimia? For the record, you can be anorexic or bulimic at any weight.
If any of my friends were struggling with anorexia or bulimia I would want them to be honest about it and share their feelings instead of being ashamed or fearful of being judged.
My goal is not to make anyone feel guilty. I realize some people want to avoid interacting with people with an ED they are themselves trying to recover from.
However for those of you that are healthy why not try to support your friends with an ED the same as all your other friends? Some people are on MFP to gain weight, some to lose weight, some to focus on building strength and cardiovascular health. I sense there is a double standard on MFP where the members focused on losing weight, improving strength or cardiovascular health are treated better by the community than those with an ED.
We all have different goals. I try to support all of my friends whether they are overweight, underweight, athletic or sedentary. I wont delete someone because they occasionally relapse into unhealthy habits. We all have to start somewhere and achieving our health and fitness goals can be difficult. Instead of forcing certain groups to isolate themselves (hampering recovery) lets all try to be a more open and supportive community.
I agree. Everyone should receive support. I do understand that it's triggering for others and in that case, you need to look out for yourself but if it doesn't trigger and you feel like you can help then that's a great thing.
There is no stipulation when signing up to this site saying you must provide support.
I'm probably going to sound cold, but my job is stressful, I deal with a lot of similar things and worse. I find it extremely draining. I don't want to log on to MFP and deal with that as well. I didn't sign up on this site to be a counsellor. Everyone has a bad day, I'm not saying I don't want anything negative from my MFP friends, but I just can't be that person that you expect everyone to be. I am not a trained professional in dealing with ED, many people are beyond what anyone here can offer.
I haven't noticed anyone on my FL with an ED, but I don't check diaries.
There are plenty of people on here who are willing to provide that type of support, not all of us have to be.
^^^ this last part.
I am a trained professional but I did not sign up on this site to be anyone's counselor. I do not believe there's anyone on my FL who has an active ED. My FL goal is to surround myself with positive, supportive people who eat healthy, exercise, and whose goals are to be stronger and healthy. Not people who want to be scary skinny or who punish their body by unhealthy habits or ideas.
I am on this site for me. To learn, to be with people who have similar goals, and to give support when I can. I deal with enough tough stuff in my real life and this is my escape.0 -
I won't knowingly add a friend if I think they currently have an ED because I don't feel I can be supportive of them, and I don't feel they can be supportive of me. When they are eating 800 calories a day and everyone on their FL congratulates them, there is no way I'm going to sit by and cheerlead. It doesn't end well. So, no sense in befriending them in the first place. I do have a few former ED friends, and I always hope that I don't say something unintentionally that is a trigger for them.0
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From my experience, people that say that don't accept people with EDs usually add **UNLESS they are working on recovery. That I can understand completely! As far as for people that are pro-Ana, I don't want any part of it on my newsfeed...And that goes for anyone of ANY size.
I want people on my FL that are positive and actually working towards a goal, whether that goal is to get bigger or get smaller. Everyone has their struggles and thats okay, but if I feel like there is someone on my FL that isn't doing anything to help themselves or aren't interested in living a healthy lifestyle, they don't have any business on my FL
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To be perfectly honest, this is the internet.
You have friends on a friends list.
You choose who you want to be friends with (just like IRL).
If you want to stop being friends with someone, then you have every right to.
THIS IS THE INTERNET. I'm not going to sit here and cry because some random stranger on the internet is no longer "friends" with me....
People with ED need professional help that I am not qualified to give. I don't know if anyone one my friends list has an ED.
Personally, I only delete people if they have been inactive for a month or more.
But this is MY friends list. I want people on my list that inspire me, and people on my list that are on the same path as me. Similar ages, backgrounds, height, same weight to lose, similar exercise interests, etc...
We exercise, we eat, and we discuss our issues.
But I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a nutritionist.
I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just honest.
I'm not going to delete someone JUST because that person has an ED. But I'm not looking for that either. And I will check your diary. And if I see you are consistantly under 1000 calories, I WILL ask what's up.
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I don't look at trainwrecks or rubber neck car accidents. In the past I have had enough trauma and drama and craziness in my own life to last a lifetime, and I am DONE enabling others. If other folks want to starve themselves to death or throw up their food and such insanity like that...I will not sit by and watch it happen. Like a prior poster stated, people with eating disorders need serious professional help that I am not qualified to give. I have had anorexics on my friends list before, and they seem to BASK in the attention others give them for their destruction the way a flower turns to the sun. It's sickening, and I will not be a party to that.0
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People who have an ED shouldn't be on a calorie counting site counting calories. Period.0
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It might be selfish, but I have a lot going on in my life, and just dont have it in me
I tried once, and it was a horrible experience. I was constantly worried and she would write me and nothing I said would ever get through to her...like beating my head against a wall.
Maybe i am too empathetic, or get to emotionally invested, but i just dont have it in me to give that much, and they need more than me...a professional.
and it drags me down.
Everyone is entitled to have a list that provides an environment for success for them, and this is how i choose to do it.
:flowerforyou:
^ so much of this
This!
BTW, I see anorexia mentioned a lot. Binge eating is also an ED. Both drive me crazy and are things I just don't understand.
This is just as much about a healthy mind as a healthy body and I see a lot of people failing to recognize that.
People know what they have to do yet are somehow unable to do it. Mind boggling really.
Do you think people with eating disorders WANT to live this life? Really? Its just like any other mental illness. Yes we know what we have to do, and we struggle every single second of every single day to do the right things for our bodies. We know what we are doing is very harmful and could kill us...don't you think we dont TRY our hardest? This comment really makes me angry. You don't understand it... you don't have to, but to imply that we know what to do and just don't...like we are purposely wanting to live this way...that's just asinine. Its a daily, every second struggle for me to do the right thing, eat enough, not purge what ive eaten and so on and so fourth. EVERY SECOND...I struggle, but I do it. You have NO IDEA what its like to fight something like this...and no, its NOT a choice we make...The mind is a very powerful thing and we cant fight our minds sometimes. God forbid someone close to you ever comes down with any kind of mental illness, weather it be an eating disorder, drugs, alcohol, whatever!0 -
People who have an ED shouldn't be on a calorie counting site counting calories. Period.
Recovering people shouldn't be on a health site to try and stay healthy and try and stay recovered??? smh0 -
If they're actually trying to better themselves and looking for support in that RE, I have no problem. If they just ignore sound advice on a consistent basis and making no attempts to better themselves then I don't have time for that and I will most definitely delete...0
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People who have an ED shouldn't be on a calorie counting site counting calories. Period.
Recovering people shouldn't be on a health site to try and stay healthy and try and stay recovered??? smh
It is often a trigger for disordered thinking and sends them into relapse. Most don't need to worry about calories, etc...most need to work on developing a healthy relationship with food. If you've been around here long enough, I'm sure you see how obsessive calorie counters can be...it is often not a healthy environment for someone recovering from an ED.0 -
I don't delete peopel for this reason at all. I delete people for many reasons. I'm pretty much an equal opportunity deleter.0
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if it lasts more than 4 hours go see a doctor0
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Sometimes though that ED is very triggering to said "Healthy' Friend especially if the 'healthy" friend is recovering from and ED as well. Just because they are not in the throws of the ED anymore does not mean that it is not a trigger to see someone who is struggling with it and it is healthier to rid the friends list of the ED than to keep them on there - even if it is damaging to the person with the ED. I think that it is up to the person who is friending the people to decide if it is or is not OK to have them and this post is really not needed. I decide who I want on my friends list, I decide if I want them on my friends list and if I feel your ED is not condusive to my life than sorry but I will not keep you.
That is not saying I don't keep people who are TRYING to be healthy, god knows its hard and with an ED harder but if all they talk about is their ED and how wonderful it is I will delete them. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.0 -
You know, I have only done this a handful of times, but dealing with someone with an ED is a lot like dealing with an addict. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. And it's very frustrating to try. That means that MFP becomes stressful and a negative experience for me. At which point, trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped impacts my motivation. Therefore, the only options one is left with is to try and ignore them while they are hurting themselves (which is still stressful if you really care for your internet friends) or delete them to save yourself and hope that they can manage to get themselves together on their own.
Support is a two-way street, and if I am supporting you, but your behavior has a negative impact on me, then its only a one-way street and it's no longer support. It's co-dependency.0 -
I deleted one of these people for posting about how she could only throw up half of the entire pizza she ate because it clogged up the shower drain. And when I made comments about how she should seek help or that it was unhealthy to purge, my comments were deleted. Obviously my advise wasn't very important. And if you want to brag about how little you ate or how much you threw up, I don't want to hear it.0
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People who have an ED shouldn't be on a calorie counting site counting calories. Period.
Recovering people shouldn't be on a health site to try and stay healthy and try and stay recovered??? smh
It is often a trigger for disordered thinking and sends them into relapse. Most don't need to worry about calories, etc...most need to work on developing a healthy relationship with food. If you've been around here long enough, I'm sure you see how obsessive calorie counters can be...it is often not a healthy environment for someone recovering from an ED.
Well, I am recovering from an eating disorder. Theres more eating disorders than just anorexia. Theres binge eating and bulimia...those don't make you skinny. I still need to lose weight regardless of the fact I have an eating disorder...to be healthy all around. It doesn't send me into relapse...regardless if im counting calories or not, I still struggle ever second of every day to make the right choices for myself and I probably will the rest of my life.0 -
There are a few friends on my life that will not add those with eating disorders. I think that more women have had them than we know and it might be a trigger for them to return to bad habits which is really scary. Also, the goal of many people on here is to get healthy and to surround themselves with other people who are putting in the effort as well, not to deal with somebody that's not eating enough calories or purging.0
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I deleted one of these people for posting about how she could only throw up half of the entire pizza she ate because it clogged up the shower drain. And when I made comments about how she should seek help or that it was unhealthy to purge, my comments were deleted. If you want to brag about your ED, I'm not interested in hearing about it.
Yes, now that's a good reason. Those type are just looking for attention, not really trying to better themselves.0 -
People need to eat. I don't have the professional abilities to handle all that...0
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Those who have an ED, and are looking for support for that, I'll delete. I have no interest in people who know they have a problem, but don't want to fix it. We're all here because we have some issue with food and if you aren't wanting to fix it then no thanks.
Those looking for support to get healthier, I'll keep.0 -
I deleted a friend with an ED because she yelled at me when I tried to support her by suggesting she eat more calories - and then when I PMed her asking how I could support her in being *healthy*, in a way that was agreeable to both of us, she didn't respond.
I deleted her because she wanted me to support her in losing weight, when she was already underweight. I'm not doing that. I was friends with her for several months trying to support her in a healthy way by cheering her on when her calories were higher, when she lifted weights - but it just didn't work, she didn't like my support, and it's really difficult to support someone who doesn't like your support. She kept insisting she still had "just a few" more pounds to lose - all the time.
Supporting obese people is different, because they're trying to LOSE weight, which is healthy. I wouldn't support an obese person trying to gain weight.0 -
I delete them. I don’t want to log on to constantly see how some one is “feeling like a cow and not eating over 500 anymore”. Sorry. I’m sorry they are experiencing this mental illness, but I don’t need to put myself in distress over some one else’s problems. My priorities are my family, work and school. A stranger and their eating disorder don’t register on my list of things to worry over.
I agree. Which is why in my profile I say I do not accept friend requests from people who starve themselves or engage in fad diets, take magic pills, or use supplements as their main meals.
Honestly, it's really not my cross to bear or burden to have on my shoulders. Does this sound cold? Yes. I have enough issues with real life that I don't need more from strangers on the internet.
I am supportive with healthy people, but draw the line at drawing drama close to me. I've had enough of the toxic stuff in my life.0 -
*****es need to eat. I don't have the professional abilities to handle all that crazy.
Pretty much THIS! I am here to help ME. And my experience with people with ED is that they don't listen anyway.0 -
some people can handle it, while others cannot. People who had ED's themselves can be triggered by some people saying "oh, I'm so proud, I've only eaten 'x' calories...." or "I'm so upset, I've eaten 'x' calories..." If you can handle it, good for you. Not everyone feels the same, unfortunately.0
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I have that posted on my page, "Do not add me if you have an ED," why? Cause when I was a teen I happily suffered from ED's and when I offer help I get negative feedback, Sorry! and when they have profile names like "fadingawaysolovely", or :Fragiletinydoll" NO! and post pics of super bony thigh gaps....NO.0
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I'm always getting deleted by people who don't like to hear the truth about their diary. I've struggled with an ED since I was 14, and I dont publicize it at all, in fact I don't think any of my friends on my FL know but one person. But I've never deleted anyone over an ED.
If I read your diary and I see you've only at 800 calories but exersized 400 away, I'm not going to say "Good job" or " Keep it up" I'm going to remind you that you need to eat more, politely. I find that many with an ED are so sensitive to this kind of comment they delete me.0 -
Some people don't want to deal with people that have ED's, which is fine, that's their choice, as they are supposed to be 'friends'. There are plenty of people on MFP who want to help and support people with ED's, good on them, that too is their choice. It's like asking people not to post something on the forums. Just don't read it. In this case, just don't be friends with those people.
I try and make sure that people know that I will look at their diary, and I will comment on their food choices, not to be mean, but because all of my friends are trying to lose weight, and just saying "way to go" when they eat under calories because they ate pizza and oreos is not the way I operate. It's not to make anyone feel bad, it's just to bring it to their attention, to make sure they recognize this. Or to eat more calories as apparently I have several friends who are at MFP deficit and won't eat back exercise calories. And I expect the same thing in return, the way my friends looked at mine for Sunday and went "Wait, what?" as they should have.
Friends are by choice, in life and especially on MFP. If you don't get along, or agree with someone, remove them as a friend. People get so touchy about that, and it's not like you're saying you can't stand someone, and hate them. You're just not a good friend match.0 -
Some people don't want to deal with people that have ED's, which is fine, that's their choice, as they are supposed to be 'friends'. There are plenty of people on MFP who want to help and support people with ED's, good on them, that too is their choice. It's like asking people not to post something on the forums. Just don't read it. In this case, just don't be friends with those people.
I try and make sure that people know that I will look at their diary, and I will comment on their food choices, not to be mean, but because all of my friends are trying to lose weight, and just saying "way to go" when they eat under calories because they ate pizza and oreos is not the way I operate. It's not to make anyone feel bad, it's just to bring it to their attention, to make sure they recognize this. Or to eat more calories as apparently I have several friends who are at MFP deficit and won't eat back exercise calories. And I expect the same thing in return, the way my friends looked at mine for Sunday and went "Wait, what?" as they should have.
Friends are by choice, in life and especially on MFP. If you don't get along, or agree with someone, remove them as a friend. People get so touchy about that, and it's not like you're saying you can't stand someone, and hate them. You're just not a good friend match.
Very well said, I agree.0
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