Home life is draining me...how to rise above it?

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Replies

  • missshyeviolett
    missshyeviolett Posts: 310 Member
    Get out. Now. What happens when he goes into a manic episode and one of your kids won't stop crying and he beats the child to shut it up? It happens every day. Contact a womens shelter or family TODAY.
  • GnomeLove
    GnomeLove Posts: 379
    Just a general question, but why are so many pretty girls stuck w/ d-bags?

    Probably low self esteem from abusive fathers.
  • kitsune1989
    kitsune1989 Posts: 93 Member
    A lot of times you don't realize what's happening until later. Many if not most abusive relationships start off well until they have you hooked.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    You are in an abusive relationship. The threats of harm to you and your family are likely sufficient for you to get a restraining order. The restraining order can include your children, which will give you 100% custody until he can get it modified through the court. As a domestic violence victim, you will be eligible for different services and benefits. In CA, for example, your landlord would have to waive any fines for breaking your lease, and you could apply for $2,000 through VCF for moving expenses, with additional amounts available for counseling. Contact your local police department for a referral to your city's domestic violence services. There are resources out there for you, you are not trapped, there is a way out, and there are people who will help you along the way.
  • Danny_Boy13
    Danny_Boy13 Posts: 2,094 Member
    I have not read all of the responses but in short there are possibly some options for you.

    First off the 10 lbs you have to lost will have to come at a later time. I do not think you are ready to move out of your situation if your main concern is more about losing the 10lbs over your families well being. I think you want to get out but not bad enough....but then again I could be wrong but that was my first impression.

    Can you not ask family for help? I mean if any one of my family members was in this situation I would be first to offer some assistance. There are programs out there for women that need to get out of situations like yours. They are out there, but you have to find them. Call a local women shelter....that would be a good start. There are possibilities of his threats becoming true but in my experience these are more talk then anything else just to keep you put. If it happens it will happen. You just will have to deal with it if it does happen. Chances are if it does happen it will be towards you.... most threats of this nature usually do not spill out to others outside of the couple.

    I have worked some with battered and abused women and from my experience in situations like this it will get harder for you before it gets easier. Moving into a shelter is not an easy thing to do especially if children are involved. Just keep that in mind. More time then not life gets harder... you are missing the father of your children, they will miss him so emotionally it will be very taxing. Just keep in mind the end result of what you want and know that each day that passes you get closer to that goal.
  • fittocycle
    fittocycle Posts: 827 Member
    I agree with the others. Get out as soon as you can. Start making a plan to do it. Look up local agencies, scout out friends and family who can help. It might sound silly, but put aside a little money at a time. It could as little as $5 a week from the grocery money. Squirrel it away as much as possible. Every little bit will help.
    You sound like a wonderful person who has found herself in a bad situation, one you didn't see coming. Please don't let that fact reflect on who you are. It happens. Just don't give up and don't let those sweet little girls out of your sight.
    Take care and I'll pray for your situation.:flowerforyou:
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    I have not read all of the responses but in short there are possibly some options for you.

    There are possibilities of his threats becoming true but in my experience these are more talk then anything else just to keep you put. If it happens it will happen. You just will have to deal with it if it does happen.

    ABOVE STATEMENT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. THREATS OF HARM GENERALLY LEAD TO INCREASING LEVELS OF HARM. WATING TO SEE IF YOU GET HIT BY AN ONCOMING TRUCK AND DEALING WITH IT IF AND WHEN IT HAPPENS IS ABOUT THE MOST ASININE ADVICE I CAN IMAGINE.

    Chances are if it does happen it will be towards you.... most threats of this nature usually do not spill out to others outside of the couple.

    ALSO NOT TRUE. VIOLENCE TO A DV VICTIM DOES SPILL OUT TO OTHERS OUTSIDE THE COUPLE. FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS, AND DV WORKERS ARE OFTEN TARGETING AND ATTACKED BY ABUSERS, AND STRANGERS EVEN GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSIFIRE IN EXTREMES CASES (SUCH AS WHERE AN ABUSER SHOWS UP AT THE VICTIM'S WORK AND GOES ON A SHOOTING SPREE).

    I have worked some with battered and abused women and from my experience in situations like this it will get harder for you before it gets easier. Moving into a shelter is not an easy thing to do especially if children are involved.
    Just keep that in mind. More time then not life gets harder... you are missing the father of your children, they will miss him so emotionally it will be very taxing. Just keep in mind the end result of what you want and know that each day that passes you get closer to that goal.

    I WORKED IN A DV CENTER FOR 6 MONTHS, AND I HAVE HEARD THE CRAZIEST STORIES. THIS **** SHOULD NOT BE MINIMIZED. IT WILL GET WORSE IF YOU STAY. YOU ARE IN REAL DANGER. PLEASE GET HELP AND GET SAFE.
  • Shelby1582
    Shelby1582 Posts: 191 Member
    He's got to go back to the doctor!!! Meds are so important with disorders like that, especially if he went off of them suddenly. I know this from experience, my husband did and he was like another person. It's scary to make an ultimatum like that but maybe if he thinks you'll leave him he'll get back on his meds and see a counselor.
    Otherwise move out! Move in with your family and get a restraining order if you truly are afraid that he'll hurt you.
    Another idea is maybe taking some self defense classes? Maybe there's a gym with a child center and you could do a free trial or something. You would be able to protect yourself and get your workout in while relieving some stress at the same time.
    My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry! Sending hugs your way, stay strong and always remember you have to take care of you first so you can take care of your kids.
  • CherylP67
    CherylP67 Posts: 772 Member
    Just a general question, but why are so many pretty girls stuck w/ d-bags?

    Because most D-bags are charming. They get the girl and then their ugly side comes out. The girls are usually so beat down from the day to day crud that they can't see the reality of their situation. It's so hard to see the big picture when you are stuck in it.

    I'm a former pretty girl who was stuck with a D-bag. I got out of that hot mess, but it was hard.
  • Danny_Boy13
    Danny_Boy13 Posts: 2,094 Member
    I have not read all of the responses but in short there are possibly some options for you.

    There are possibilities of his threats becoming true but in my experience these are more talk then anything else just to keep you put. If it happens it will happen. You just will have to deal with it if it does happen.

    ABOVE STATEMENT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. THREATS OF HARM GENERALLY LEAD TO INCREASING LEVELS OF HARM. WATING TO SEE IF YOU GET HIT BY AN ONCOMING TRUCK AND DEALING WITH IT IF AND WHEN IT HAPPENS IS ABOUT THE MOST ASININE ADVICE I CAN IMAGINE.

    Of course the above can be true. How many times has anyone in any situation made threats and they not follow thru? I too have worked with women in situations, my best friend was in this situation like this and a few family member's. I also have family and friends in law enforcement that deal with these situations, family / domestic violence, on a DAILY basis and in their opinion most threats of this nature are more talk then anything else. Are there possibilities that these treats WILL HAPPEN? Possibly, but then again they could not happen. If they do happen then you WILL have to deal with that, yes? How is it asinine to say if / when it happens you will have to deal with it? Example you get in a car accident and are injured. You didn't want for it to happen but it did so you have to deal with it. Same here. Her leaving may or MAY NOT lead to physical harm but if it does that is something that can not be ignored and one will have to deal with it. Thinking other wise would be ignorant or as you said "Asinine"

    Chances are if it does happen it will be towards you.... most threats of this nature usually do not spill out to others outside of the couple.

    ALSO NOT TRUE. VIOLENCE TO A DV VICTIM DOES SPILL OUT TO OTHERS OUTSIDE THE COUPLE. FAMILY MEMBERS, FRIENDS, AND DV WORKERS ARE OFTEN TARGETING AND ATTACKED BY ABUSERS, AND STRANGERS EVEN GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSIFIRE IN EXTREMES CASES (SUCH AS WHERE AN ABUSER SHOWS UP AT THE VICTIM'S WORK AND GOES ON A SHOOTING SPREE).

    Again speaking from personal experience as well as you seem to be, individuals like this makes threats towards family / friends ALL of the time. From my experiences is harm is casued it appears to stay btwn the couple.

    I have worked some with battered and abused women and from my experience in situations like this it will get harder for you before it gets easier. Moving into a shelter is not an easy thing to do especially if children are involved.
    Just keep that in mind. More time then not life gets harder... you are missing the father of your children, they will miss him so emotionally it will be very taxing. Just keep in mind the end result of what you want and know that each day that passes you get closer to that goal.

    I WORKED IN A DV CENTER FOR 6 MONTHS, AND I HAVE HEARD THE CRAZIEST STORIES. THIS **** SHOULD NOT BE MINIMIZED. IT WILL GET WORSE IF YOU STAY. YOU ARE IN REAL DANGER. PLEASE GET HELP AND GET SAFE.

    I agree with you that the likelihood of this getting worse is very high and she should seek help as everyone here has pointed out. Point is unless she is willing to move one this is all pointless. She can have all of the resources available to her but unless she is willing to make that move this is all pointless.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    The quiz that Cosmo should really have. Especially considering that 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, and it is the leading cause of injury for women 15 - 44. (These stats are for the U.S. I'm certain they are higher in other regions). This is the danger assessment used by law enforcement and other DV workers to determine the likelihood of your partner eventually killing you.

    http://www.dangerassessment.org/DA.aspx

    Threats are always to be taken seriously and they constitute domestic violence in and of themselves. Also, anyone interested can google workplace violence and domestic violence for the recent analysis of "spillover" violence from DV.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    He's got to go back to the doctor!!! Meds are so important with disorders like that, especially if he went off of them suddenly. I know this from experience, my husband did and he was like another person. It's scary to make an ultimatum like that but maybe if he thinks you'll leave him he'll get back on his meds and see a counselor.
    Otherwise move out! Move in with your family and get a restraining order if you truly are afraid that he'll hurt you.
    Another idea is maybe taking some self defense classes? Maybe there's a gym with a child center and you could do a free trial or something. You would be able to protect yourself and get your workout in while relieving some stress at the same time.
    My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry! Sending hugs your way, stay strong and always remember you have to take care of you first so you can take care of your kids.

    Self defense classes are nearly useless in a DV situation. I box with men and women, and I'm pretty competitive, but if you put me against a man with no fight training but 30 lbs on me I guarantee he's going to win in a fight. Self-defense techniques might buy you an escape window during a random street attack, but it's not going to help you out much if your cornered in your home by an abusive partner. Moreover, then law enforcement has to determine the "dominant aggressor." They sometimes get it wrong. How'd you like to be attacked, defend yourself, call the police, and end up getting handcuffed and taken off to jail. I've seen it more than once.
  • CandiQueen
    CandiQueen Posts: 57
    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.
  • Danny_Boy13
    Danny_Boy13 Posts: 2,094 Member
    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.

    Best of luck to you. What you are going thru I would not wish upon my worst enemy but just know that there is help out there and your family and friends are willing to stand by you and back your play. Hopefully you can get the help and assistance that you need in this situation. Weight loss / healthy living is important but you and your childrens safety is more important. MFP will always be here so get that under control and get back to it in the future. :smile:
  • ChapinaGrande
    ChapinaGrande Posts: 289 Member
    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.

    Thank you for posting your decision. I'm so happy to hear this. I hope you will get the help you need from your family. I was in the same situation, just replace bipolar with alcoholic and the decision was HARD, but I did leave when the baby was 9 months old. If you're worried about your future, let me tell you mine. My ex never killed me or "made sure I'd never see the baby again," but he never helped her or was any kind of father to her and calls her once a month. I moved back in with my family for a while, then got my own cheap place to live while on public assistance for a while (there's a lot available), got therapy, and now, I have the job I've always dreamed of and a wonderful husband who treats my daughter as if she were biologically his. I am so much stronger now and I feel I've finally made it. I am so excited for you to feel the same way in your future as well.
  • Mel2626
    Mel2626 Posts: 342 Member
    If he has Bipolar Disorder and is off his meds, he is literally not thinking straight and anything is possible~ ANYTHING! He is not safe and neither are you and the kids!! As you'e well aware, your last 10 lbs mean nothing in the grande scheme of things and perhaps thinking about your weight loss is your distraction from reality. Truth is, he needs to be under a doctor's care~ deciding on his own to go off meds is such a classic manic/depressive behavior. BUT if he is unstable, you are keeping yourself and the kids in danger. I hope you are all able to get the help you need~ him with his proper medication and guidance of a doctor and you and the kids to get into a safe environment.

    Edit: I see you have asked for help from family. I am soooooo darn happy that you're reaching out to them!!! Best of luck with everything!!!
  • CherylP67
    CherylP67 Posts: 772 Member
    I would like to thank everyone for their support. I guess I wasn't thinking clearly and kept thinking it wasn't that bad. With all of your seeming to agree on what I should be doing though I decided to involve my dad and best friend and finally told them the full situation and they said they would support me and that I should leave.

    I guess I always knew I should leave I just didn't want to hurt him, but what does that matter if I am potentially putting myself, and more importantly, my children, in danger. I have decided to leave. I have wanted to for a long time and thanks to all your support and suggestions I realize that I was just making excuses why I shouldn't and am going to leave, and soon. I am contacting the police and going to get them to refer me to where I can get help and where I can go...

    I know the weight wasn't a big problem, I just wasn't aware of how big a problem I was living with was until i read back what I wrote and heard all of your comments. I just figured since I wasn't being physically abused that anyone I asked for help for would just laugh at me and tell me that my situation wasn't serious enough to warrant any help... so thank you for helping me to see the situation as it really is.

    Thank you for coming back and updating us, I've been thinking about you all day.
  • Filletsteak
    Filletsteak Posts: 85 Member
    Well done on your decision; glad to hear your dad is there for you.

    I left my husband 23 years ago with an 8-month old baby and a suitcase - flew home the next day. Got the whole aggressive threats, kidnap threats etc so I spent time and money trying to protect my son. He never did anything. I was the strong one. Made it on my own. It was tough but knowing that my son was safe and happy kept me going. I'm in a great place now, with a wonderful man. My son is proud and happy.

    Stay strong and find someone (a professional) you can talk to about this.

    Good luck :smile:
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    Living with a mentally ill person who is not taking medicine and is abusive is extremely dangerous. If you think you are in harm's way, then you should take steps to leave and stay in a shelter for women and children. If you're not sure where those shelters are in your area, talk to a social worker or a church office. Find out how long the shelter will allow you to stay -- you can't stay there permanently.

    You can also sign up for public housing, but there's usually a waiting list. They base the price on your income. You should qualify for more benefits since you have two kids. Contact a social worker at your local government assistance office today. Good luck. Do you have any relatives who could take you in?

    Editing this to say I didn't read the update before I posted....glad to hear you contacted your dad and hopefully you will be able to move out and get some help.

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