"Obsession" Causing Problems
marfhutch
Posts: 50 Member
Hi,
This is quite a hard problem to explain, but I really need some advice on it.
Basically, I have been using MFP for around 6 months on and off, but have really been focusing myself for the last month. I use my own weird version of calorie cycling to hit an average of my TDEE-20% (normally cals are varied but low during the week, and higher and varied at weekends, but average about 1700). I can only go to the gym during the week due to living arrangements, so normally squeeze 6 classes (ranging from circuits to barbell conditioning to spin) in the 4 days I can go to the gym. I haven't lost weight quickly (but I'm only trying to lose 10kg anyway so wasn't expecting miracles!), but have been feeling a lot more healthy in general.
However, this lifestyle is now starting to cause problems with friends (and sometimes family). Because I can only gym during the week, I make these days my 'healthy, low cal' days and I hate to miss them. Especially if I'm missing gym for a meal out with friends. Its at the point where I will find reasons that I can't go out so that I don't miss the gym. I also have started to pretend to some people I am eating more than I am because I am getting judgement from them.
The main problem is that I am now feeling cut off from the friendship group I have because I rarely have a day that I can meet up with them. Or I have days like today-they are going out for food and drinks, and I want to go but also go to the gym. I have cancelled one of my classes, but will still be too late for the 'food' part of the evening so am only going for drinks. This has still caused an issue with some of them who think I should be able to skip one day if needed.
Sorry for the ramble...I know I sound like a freak but really don't know who is right in this situation!
This is quite a hard problem to explain, but I really need some advice on it.
Basically, I have been using MFP for around 6 months on and off, but have really been focusing myself for the last month. I use my own weird version of calorie cycling to hit an average of my TDEE-20% (normally cals are varied but low during the week, and higher and varied at weekends, but average about 1700). I can only go to the gym during the week due to living arrangements, so normally squeeze 6 classes (ranging from circuits to barbell conditioning to spin) in the 4 days I can go to the gym. I haven't lost weight quickly (but I'm only trying to lose 10kg anyway so wasn't expecting miracles!), but have been feeling a lot more healthy in general.
However, this lifestyle is now starting to cause problems with friends (and sometimes family). Because I can only gym during the week, I make these days my 'healthy, low cal' days and I hate to miss them. Especially if I'm missing gym for a meal out with friends. Its at the point where I will find reasons that I can't go out so that I don't miss the gym. I also have started to pretend to some people I am eating more than I am because I am getting judgement from them.
The main problem is that I am now feeling cut off from the friendship group I have because I rarely have a day that I can meet up with them. Or I have days like today-they are going out for food and drinks, and I want to go but also go to the gym. I have cancelled one of my classes, but will still be too late for the 'food' part of the evening so am only going for drinks. This has still caused an issue with some of them who think I should be able to skip one day if needed.
Sorry for the ramble...I know I sound like a freak but really don't know who is right in this situation!
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Replies
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There is nothing wrong with putting your health first! Kudos for that! I have only recently started working out in the early morning so I have my evenings available. It gives me more family time and I hope my body will eventually adjust to the early workouts. Right now, I'm just tired!0
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why not shake it up and if you know your friends are going for a meal on day x make that your big intake day. routine and repetition in diet ie food eaten and intake along with the same training routine causes plateau enjoy life be considerate of your health and weight loss goal just dont let it dictate your life
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dont let your journey detach you from life. Go out and have fun with them sometimes! 0
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Have a look at this (very good website)
http://www.coachcalorie.com/social-pressures-of-a-fitness-lifestyle/
A lot of their resistance is probable from the fact that you are making that positive change and it highlights what they are doing is bad for them.0 -
Thanks for the replies-if I could get up early I would but I'm rubbish haha!Also thanks for the link, although I think my problem is slightly different in a way. Its not that they try to force me to eat unhealthily when I'm out, its more that I just don't have the time to go out! I thought going for drinks today would placate them but obviously not
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I see your problem: not only are you missing a workout, your consuming calories you normally wouldn't so you see social gatherings as a double-whammy. I assume you'd go out more if it was just the food and drinks--if you could get your workout in before tearing up the town.
The solution is simple: just do it. Stay up late the night before and get your workout in for the coming day. Wake up uber early. Either way, it's possible if you don't make excuses.
There is a park by my house that is lit all night and I sometimes have to go there to run at 1am. It's tough, no doubt. But sometimes it's easier than waking up at 4:30.
It's not like you'd be doing this every day. Just once a week or so to ensure you can go have sushi, wine, and flirt along with your dearest of dear friends.0 -
dont let your journey detach you from life. Go out and have fun with them sometimes!
This!
You can't cut your friends out of your life for fitness, unless that's what you really want to do. However, maybe suggest a walk, hike or something that is more active rather than a restaurant.0 -
True friends will understand and support you! I've had nothing but amazing support from my friends. Also keep in mind that temptations will always be a part of your life, so you need to learn to deal with them. It's hard trust me, but you need to do this for yourself.0
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I see your problem: not only are you missing a workout, your consuming calories you normally wouldn't so you see social gatherings as a double-whammy. I assume you'd go out more if it was just the food and drinks--if you could get your workout in before tearing up the town.
Exactly this! I already allow myself to relax at weekends as I find if I don't exercise, I'm also less motivated with my nutrition (hence the planned calorie cycling allowing for the weekend). So I feel like, if I miss a whole extra healthy day during the week I'm a complete failure! I might try the 'extra workout' tip though - although 4.30 am is never happening
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Why do you need to have a reason why you can't go out? You're a grown woman. Tell them you're going to the gym and end the discussion. I don't skip training sessions for anyone unless it's an emergency. I will rearrange my schedule for something special, but I'm not skipping a lifting day to go have drinks on a random weeknight. It can either wait till I"m done training, or they can do it without me. Doesn't matter to me either way.0
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Why not the flip the tables on your friends and invite them to take one of your classes with you instead of going out to eat? They may also get the fitness bug and then you're all hanging out together 4 nights a week doing gym happy hour.0
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You have to find a balance or find new friends that are at the gym like you....0
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why not shake it up and if you know your friends are going for a meal on day x make that your big intake day. routine and repetition in diet ie food eaten and intake along with the same training routine causes plateau enjoy life be considerate of your health and weight loss goal just dont let it dictate your life
This.Why not the flip the tables on your friends and invite them to take one of your classes with you instead of going out to eat? They may also get the fitness bug and then you're all hanging out together 4 nights a week doing gym happy hour.
And also this. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, especially if you miss your friends. You can find a happy medium somewhere.0 -
Have a look at this (very good website)
http://www.coachcalorie.com/social-pressures-of-a-fitness-lifestyle/
A lot of their resistance is probable from the fact that you are making that positive change and it highlights what they are doing is bad for them.
^^^Thank you for this...I needed to read it!0 -
You are right. Health first all the time. From your profile picture, I suspect the friends and family are envious. Going to the gym only during the week and eating like you want to eat is not "obsessive" or wrong in any way (unless its anorexia which you clearly do not have).0
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Nothing wrong with what you are doing, health is very important!
But if you feel like going to the gym really is crushing your ability to see friends and family during those days you could do a few gyms days in the comfort of your home to free up a lunch time There is always opportunity to make some changes to how you do things to maintain a healthy social life while creating a new healthy lifestyle for yourself.
I couldn't find time to go to the gym and even find it hard to get out for a run at lunch so I try to work out at home and walk as much as I can and hope that I will be able to go out for a lunch run each day as long as I can fit it in my schedule (I am a single mom so sometimes my schedule really sucks and makes fitting in fitness and good healthy homecooked meals hard)0 -
I plan my day so that I do not have to sacrifice my social life for my health and vice versa. It does take a bit of thinking in advance, but it isn't rocket science. If you want to eat more on weekends, plan your rest days for the week and take a morning run or do a lifting session on Saturday and Sunday. If you want to drink more, eat some protein-rich food earlier in the day and leave room for the alcohol in your caloric allowance. If your intake leaves you no room for a glass of wine, you need to rethink your intake.0
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Have a look at this (very good website)
http://www.coachcalorie.com/social-pressures-of-a-fitness-lifestyle/
A lot of their resistance is probable from the fact that you are making that positive change and it highlights what they are doing is bad for them.
This is actually what was happening with my friend group as I dropped significant weight. People also seem to want me to stay "familiar" to them and I am changing in positive ways. Thanks for posting this! It has been a weird adjustment but very enlightening.0 -
Weights before dates! I could care less if my friends or family give me crap because I choose to go to the gym vs going out with them. My health is way too important to me. A lot of people that don't enjoy this type of lifestyle simply do not understand. Now if I have plans to do something I train around it. Say i'm going dancing with the girls Saturday night, you bet your *kitten* I will train in the morning. It all about planning!!0
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I always feel that the day I call myself "recovered" from my ED will be the day I spend less than 80% of it thinking about food0
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Do what makes you happy would be my advice. If working out makes you happy then do that. If being with your friends makes you happy then go out with them. I hate when I get out of my routine but from time to time it is good to break from that and do something different. If I have an important function to attend I plan for it... I will either train in the morning or re arrange my schedule that my rest day is the day of the event and my normal rest day will then turn to my training day.0
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Thank you so much for the advice! Especially those reminding me that its my choice not my friends!
In terms of the jealousy, its not that. I am the biggest in my group of friends by a long way (both in height and weight), and we did all used to go to the gym together. However, now they have 'got a bit bored' as they didn't see any changes, whereas I am determined to keep going despite the lack of changes for health/enjoyment.
However your right-sometimes its better to have a balance (and I do, promise!), its just a shame that these friends are only in the same location as the gym :P0 -
Have a look at this (very good website)
http://www.coachcalorie.com/social-pressures-of-a-fitness-lifestyle/
A lot of their resistance is probable from the fact that you are making that positive change and it highlights what they are doing is bad for them.
Great article, I enjoyed reading this. I find myself in this situation a lot. If we go out to eat and I decide on a salad instead of my usual (pre-MFP) food then I get questions to live a little. Well living a little is what got me to this point so that's really all I ever have to say.
Stay strong people, understand that you are doing this for yourself and no one else.0 -
Balance is the key to life.
Figure out how to incorporate all of it together, then live your life. The problem when we get obsessed with diet and exercise and cut ourselves off from friends, we eventually burn out and have no friends. Who wants that?
Another thing is to make new friends that are like you. Find a running group in your area or even a group training for the spartan sprint or something like that. Then you incorporate it all.
I found that when I stopped drinking and started being healthier, the friends that did not, well I just met them for lunch. The ones that were my real friends had no problem with that.
Good luck,
Lesa0 -
i would get new friends.0
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It's all about balance. Spending time w/friends & family is important for your well-being. Live your life. A day out every other week or every 3rd week in lieu of the gym will not hurt your efforts as it sounds like you are right on track with your goals0
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Is it possible that you and your friends can pick one night a week or one night every other week that is dedicated to each other for food and drinks or what have you? This way you know its coming and you can shift one of your weekend days to fill in for that day instead. I don’t think you should give in and put your life on hold, but maybe some advance notice so you can move things around might satisfy everyone.0
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Uh, why not every two weeks switch one of your weekend non work out days for a week day?
Someone mentioned making the "dinner and drinks" night your higher cal nights, but why not switch the exercise too? I read that you don't live near a gym on the weekends but you could still get your cardio in, and you could do a bunch of body weight exercises as well (not the same as exercises with weights but still a good workout!)
You don't want to (nor should you!) let your friends help/encourage/ enable you to make bad choices and derail your healthy plan, but at the same time if you miss them and want to be able to hang, and they miss you you need to change something to get your social time in too!0 -
There's already so much good advice here! I had similar issues with work/fun/workout balance and discovered that getting up early was the best way to fit it all in.
I also really agree with people who suggested inviting friends to work out with you, I take a hot yoga class with my boyfriend once a week on a night that we would have normally gone out for dinner in the past.0 -
Yes. My diet pal friends and I spend alot of time discussing how it seems like every get together, celebration or event seems to be
"Food and Drink Centered". Any suggestions of alternative activities have been met with resistance. You just have to do what you have to do for yourself. Let everyone know that you are taking this time to work on something that is important to you right now and you will catch them when you can. Stand your ground. Be willing to fight for your enceself and goals. After all...one day you will get to a "Maintanence Point" and be more free to join the party now and then.0
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