you... yeah you click on this thread :p

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Schmell mop
Schmell mop who?

he means "smell my poo."

I know, takes me back to the 3rd grade too.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?


























I can't get hard, I just got laid... :blushing:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?







It was dead.

Remember Bhuddist monk that went up to the hotdog cart and asked the vendor to make him one with everything?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, silly! Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs!

What about the guy that entered 10 puns in the pun contest, hoping to win? Unfortunately no pun in ten did ...

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

143 to say "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Whoa~! someone thinks about postings way too much!

But the no pun in ten did triggered all my favorite shaggy dog stories. Here they are in no particular order with the story removed:

People in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Abcess makes the fart go Honda.

Crossing stately lions with young gulls for immortal porpoises.

The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Pardon me, Roy? Is that the cat that chewed you new shoes?

It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a bone. His old man's a Rolling Stone!

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?

"Awe! Bagel seeds!"

************************

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I am a dork who is not funny but get a crack out of this one as I heard it told (an extended version by a great joke teller) and love it!


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string finds the biggest and strongest man in the bar, asks him to tie him in a loop and mess up the top of his hair. The string then walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, I told you we don't serve strings here. Aren't you still a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, "Hey bartender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me."
The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douche bag at a drink, d@mmit!" he shouts.

The bartender becomes angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names."

The drunk persists. "For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!"

Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. Can I get something for you?"

The woman replies, "Oh,... I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"

What do you call a nun who had a sex change?

A transistor.





Why does the medical community refer to the monthly hormonal stress and madness as PMS?


Because Mad Cow disease was already taken.