living with a huge eater? anyone else in that boat?

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  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,022 Member
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    Marital problems breed more problems when they are discussed with everyone but your husband. You should know this 40 years married.

    Actually we are pretty happy. We do take walks almost every day to get the newspaper. We love to garden and just walk around our property. We've been business partners our whole life and don't hate each other. :love: lol Not many husbands/wives have accomplished that. We pretty much agree on everything but this weight thing is frustrating. I wouldn't call this a marital thing.

    I was just looking for input. Maybe I'm just grumpy today. Too much rain, not enough sunshine..................drinking my black coffee when what I really want is something really fattening..........:laugh: LIke one of those 380 calorie brats:laugh:

    You are criticizing your husband. Behind his back. To people who don't even know him (or you, for that matter). You have a "marital thing" alright, but it's not about his eating habits.

    He's a grown man. As his wife, sure, you have the right to be concerned about his health and to voice that concern TO HIM. But he's not a toddler. You can't order him to eat differently. And really, it sounds more like you're just pissed that he gets to eat more than you do. Well, get past it. It's not his fault that you're dissatisfied with your own calorie intake.
  • jonnythan
    jonnythan Posts: 10,161 Member
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    In for spouse resentment and poor communication.
  • luckynky
    luckynky Posts: 123 Member
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    I'm the shopper and the chef in our house. My husband has traditionally been a meat eater, but I've never been much on meat. In recent months, I've actually phased meat out of my diet almost entirely (I will eat tuna and shrimp on occasion). My husband hates cooking so much, that he has stopped complaining and now accepts that we will not be having meat unless he cooks it, which might be once a month or less. I do make a meat substitute about once a week. He gets his meat when we go out to eat on the weekend. And now, I'm doing this weight loss thing, so I cook even more healthy meals with less of the bells and whistles (like I don't make Italian bread with our pasta, veggies, and sauce). Over time, he has totally accepted these changes-- probably because I've put in effort in finding vegetarian recipes that I know he'll like. Maybe he is still eating a bowl of ice cream after dinner, but at least I know that he's eating healthy dinners.

    I agree that husbands are not our children. But the bottom line is that the odds are that we will be taking care of them if they have a stroke, cancer, or some other incapacitating illness. It's not fair for either spouse to go about their business without thinking about the consequences of our actions to our life partner. Getting old is hard enough without having to give complete care to someone. And it's not fair to do that to our children either. Sure, sometimes things do happen and families have to cope, but my point is that we are all intelligent enough to think about the consequences of our consumption.
  • mrsriisky
    mrsriisky Posts: 129 Member
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    Just an additional thought, if you are actually concerned and he loves meat and fattening foods, there are great meals you can make that taste decadent! Today, for example, I'm making burritos for dinner- 96% lean ground beef, I always cook up some finely chopped onions, peppers, maybe mushrooms to mix in with the beef. A small amount of cheese, sliced avocado, chopped tomatoes- the whole delicious burrito weighs in at probably around 600 calories. Tastes better than most 1200 calorie laden burritos you can buy in a restaurant! I'll have one, hubby will usually have two, but it's healthy ingredients and he loves them (though he doesn't have to watch his weight). There are many things like that you can do- burgers with lean ground beef and a little bit of veggies or ground turkey mixed in, etc. He might start liking those versions!

    That said, after revisiting this thread, I do want to add in that you have gone far on your journey. What motivated you to start? It probably came from within, YOUR decision to want to lose weight and get fit. If your husband decides to watch what he eats or start working out, it will have to come from within too. If you bring these things up to him constantly, it may breed resentment. My best advice is start cooking healthy and delicious meals, and sharing with him, but don't force it on him.
  • ingraha
    ingraha Posts: 99 Member
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    I live with a big eater. I like all the foods he does and its hard to get him to walk with me. I am learning that I need to take care of me in the best way I can and not try to run him.
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    I was just looking for input. Maybe I'm just grumpy today. Too much rain, not enough sunshine..................drinking my black coffee when what I really want is something really fattening..........:laugh: LIke one of those 380 calorie brats:laugh:
    [/quote]

    You are criticizing your husband. Behind his back. To people who don't even know him (or you, for that matter). You have a "marital thing" alright, but it's not about his eating habits.

    He's a grown man. As his wife, sure, you have the right to be concerned about his health and to voice that concern TO HIM.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,763 Member
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    You describe me and my husband back before I flipped out.
    He still eats a lot and complains that he needs to lose weight, but he does get up and do some stuff around the house.
  • mann408
    mann408 Posts: 2
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    I am having the same issue with my boyfriend. We spend weekends together and I seem to have zero will power. He eats a lot more than I do and we often go out to dinner. I feel like everything I do over the week gets erased once the weekend hits. I noticed that have kept up with him eating, so once I started to notice this, I stopped when I was full – he would say something witty like “5 bites more” so that I would finish. I guess I have no willpower. I feel really bad about it. I have heard encouraging your significant other with positive praise when they do eat well helps them lose weight, but in the situation like this… I am not sure. I guess I just have to gain self-control. Any advice? This is new to me.
  • cranium853
    cranium853 Posts: 138 Member
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    My husband runs marathons for a hobby. 26.2 miles. Probably 75 miles a week for practice and a run every few months for a medal to put on the wall. I gained 60 pound after I started eating with him. He eats more junk food than anyone could imagine, and loves to share it with me. He thinks I am delicate and although he is finally admitting that I look better he is adamant that the weight loss is not a big deal. My bad knee, dubious ankle, and bad temper should be clues, but nooooo, he doesn't get it.

    What he has done is joined me with some of my meals when I cook "extra" and then he skips the Doritos and corn dog dinner he loves so much. He agreed to one "My Fit Foods" meal a week- that is 5% and in science that is statistically significant. And he has figured out that his sex life is better if I'm not griping and moaning about the scale. Um, duh......

    His eating habits are his business, not my excuse to be self-abusive. I just don't eat what he eats, and I hope that I influence him more than he influences me. Please note the Freddy's Turtle Custard on last weekend's diary. Sometimes he wins. But I made the choice to eat every one of those bites, just as I did with tonight's salad.
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    I was just looking for input. Maybe I'm just grumpy today. Too much rain, not enough sunshine..................drinking my black coffee when what I really want is something really fattening..........:laugh: LIke one of those 380 calorie brats:laugh:

    You are criticizing your husband. Behind his back. To people who don't even know him (or you, for that matter). You have a "marital thing" alright, but it's not about his eating habits.

    He's a grown man. As his wife, sure, you have the right to be concerned about his health and to voice that concern TO HIM.
    [/quote]

    trust me , this is NOT a marital thing. We have been thru more tragedy in our life than you can imagine. It has actually brought us closer - not farther apart. We do everything together except his golfing (I'm not a fan) and my flying (He's not a fan - but he does go to airshows with me and pancake breakfasts:smile: )

    I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You quite obviously don't know us. or me. He knows how I feel. I was hoping to get input from others as to how they approach this type of thing. I joke with him about his having dinner, then dinner, then dinner. As I privately said to someone - he grew up in poverty. There was no indoor plumbing, no furnace (heated with wood) and very little food. I think that plays into this. Comfort food, not hunger. But it doesn't matter - I just want him to feel good about himself and be healthy.

    I'm not doing anything behind his back. I don't believe in that. One of my shortcomings is being very 'out there'. I call it being honest - some call it something else.

    Sounds to me like you're not happy that I sought advice here. I got a lot of helpful suggestions from others. I have no regrets.
    Most likely I'll suggest some of them to him and tell him exactly where they came from. I'm curious as to why you would even think I have something to hide from him? Puzzling:ohwell:
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    What he has done is joined me with some of my meals when I cook "extra" and then he skips the Doritos and corn dog dinner he loves so much. He agreed to one "My Fit Foods" meal a week- that is 5% and in science that is statistically significant. And he has figured out that his sex life is better if I'm not griping and moaning about the scale. Um, duh...

    That's funny. If I promised him 'that' - every day - he'd probably give up ALL his meals! Hmmm. :smile:

    He doesn't always eat junk. just lots of stuff that I find to be high in calories and too much of it. again - eating out of habit or comfort. I guess I need to keep him busy................
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    You describe me and my husband back before I flipped out.
    He still eats a lot and complains that he needs to lose weight, but he does get up and do some stuff around the house.

    he does help. I make him a deal - he unloads the dishwasher and I load it. If I ask him to do stuff - 7 out of 10 times he will do most stuff. I admit lots of that is my fault. I just hate asking anyone to do stuff. A bad habit I've gotten into over the years. I created this by not asking and I hate to nag. He does do the lawn mowing here and at our place of business so that takes him about 10 hours a week. He does the 'guy' stuff. he chops wood for the fireplace, plows the long driveway in the winter. stuff like that. He'll trim trees using the chain saw. I just won't do that stuff. I also draw the line at mowing. :smile:

    He does do alot of the tomato canning in the fall. I usually chip in when I see him doing them, but he'll tell me I don't have to. It's just easier (I know) to have 2 people working on them. We are hoping to put up about 100 qts this fall.

    He does cook. sometimes he even does his dishes. He will if I ask - it's just nice to not ask and get up in the morning to a clean kitchen.

    We went fishing last week and I caught 4 large rainbow trout which he processed for me. I like catching them, but he's good at cleaning them. YUK! I don't know how good I'd be at that. He baited my hook for me and took them off the hook when I caught them. I don't mind baiting a hook with worms, but the rest? He's much more comfortable than I am doing that. I think he spent more time baiting hooks for me and the grandkids than he did fishing. It was MUCH appreciated by me!

    I cooked one of them and will smoke the rest. I do the smoking of that stuff. He loves it. I guess I should do that. smoked fish? how bad can that be for someone? He likes my pate. smoked fish with spices and cream cheese. OOOPS. need to make it without the cream cheese......................:laugh:
  • waffleflavoredtea
    waffleflavoredtea Posts: 235 Member
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    From your food diary, you regularly undereat by WAY too little (~1000 calories a day or under), and occasionally have big binges. You sound quite a bit more unhealthy than your husband whom you are so worried about.
    I'm not saying this to be rude, I hope you don't take this as an attack, but I just hope that you might understand that undereating is WAY more unhealthy than overeating. Your internal organs, brain, and mood are severely affected by such a low calorie diet over weeks, months, etc.
    Being overweight is not healthy either, but at least your husband is getting adequate nutrition, protein, and is likely to live a long time.
    If you starve your body in desperation to lose weight you will inevitably shorten your life span. I wish you the best, I'm married too and I know how frustrating it can be living with someone who has a poor diet. xx
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    I live with a big eater. I like all the foods he does and its hard to get him to walk with me. I am learning that I need to take care of me in the best way I can and not try to run him.

    What a strange way to look at that. Seeking suggestions that would help someone get healthy isn't running someone. I'm hoping to learn how to inspire. He LOVES to walk with me. I have had to pass a couple of times because my knee acts up, but he'd walk with me whenever I ask. He just doesn't like tennis. My brother loves tennis, so next time he comes to visit - we'll play.
    my hubby's love is Golf. I'm not a big fan of that, but he has his buddies. Now if the economy would improve so he can go.......
  • stef_monster
    stef_monster Posts: 205 Member
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    My dad's family are all big eaters, and they have the waistlines and health issues to prove it. Huge portions, deep-fried everything, buttered rolls or biscuits with every meal. Most of them grow pretty impressive gardens, so they DO eat their veggies (smothered in butter and salt). Mom gained 40 pounds the first year they were married. My dad's always been extremely active and athletic, and never put on any weight until he started truck driving. When I was a kid those southern meals never stuck to me, but once I hit my teens it all piled on. Eating seems so central and so critical in our culture that I actually felt BAD, as if I was going to offend them, if I turned down seconds or dessert. I probably did offend them sometimes.

    Mom & I tried to lead by example by eating healthier and making healthier meals, but he'd always find a way to 'fatten them up' by adding butter, sauces, etc. My sister is the same way. It's a bit frustrating to watch them stuff themselves on lard and junk to the point of discomfort, then listen to them complain about their tight pants the next day. Once a person is an adult, it becomes their decision. You can tell them that you're concerned, praise them when they do well, and try to show them the positive effects of your lifestyle, but:

    "You can lead a horse to water..."

    My husband's a different story. He's been heavy for most of his life. Not long after we started dating, I jumped on the diet/ fitness lifestyle bandwagon and never looked back. He saw how much better I felt, and I think it helped him start his own journey- not just to lose weight, but to be healthier overall. I've taught him about portion control, supported him, cooked his meals, and congratulated him on every pound and clothing size lost so far. I make sure to tell him regularly that I don't want to change him- I want him to be just the way he is, but healthy enough to live a long and happy life with me.
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    From your food diary, you regularly undereat by WAY too little (~1000 calories a day or under), and occasionally have big binges. You sound quite a bit more unhealthy than your husband whom you are so worried about.
    I'm not saying this to be rude, I hope you don't take this as an attack, but I just hope that you might understand that undereating is WAY more unhealthy than overeating. Your internal organs, brain, and mood are severely affected by such a low calorie diet over weeks, months, etc.
    Being overweight is not healthy either, but at least your husband is getting adequate nutrition, protein, and is likely to live a long time.
    If you starve your body is desperation to lose weight you will inevitably shorten your life span. I wish you the best, I'm married too and I know how frustrating it can be living with someone who has a poor diet. xx

    Actually it's not as bad as it looks. I make almost everything from scratch, so it's hard to enter some things without trying to put together all the ingredients. I periodically make notes at the bottom and just add calories - but I don't know how accurate I am.

    I was holding at about 1200 calories per day - maybe a little over, then did a 1,000 calorie per day challenge.

    I went with the hubby to his favorite place (Golden Corral) last week and did overeat my limit. or at least I think I did. I had no clue what to put down so I just estimated high. I tend to do that.

    I do exercise which 'ups' what I can have, so that may show I'm undereating.

    I had thought last week that it would be nice if there was a food fitbit type gadget that you could pass your food by and it would record the calories contained in it. Since I'm a scratch cook, it order to record properly - I'd have to weigh every ingredient and then get a total. When I consume that - I'd have to weigh everything again to see how much I"m taking in.

    It's rare that I eat packaged foods. I've told my SIL that although I don't like processed foods, it sure would make dieting easier. Read the box - eat the food. record the calories.

    Not only am I a scratch cook, I don't follow any specific recipes. I'm a 'dumper'. little of this, little of that. Fresh ingredients. I don't eat alot of meat. I'm just not a fan. My trout I cooked last week was great. I caught it - the hubby gutted it - I cooked it. no clue how many calories in it the way I prepared it.

    I buy packaged goods from a restaurant supply house in bulk. Lots of it has NO calorie counts. I have to try to figure out who's turkey sausage it is - what does it weigh? sometimes it's not labelled. They buy in large bulk and break it into smaller freezer bags with little to no info. just what it is.

    Thank you for input. I have thought about trying to raise my calorie count a bit lately because I've been exercising more. I just can't determine what a good level is? I just read yesterday that about -30% of TDEE is about right. There is so much info out there, I"m not sure who has the info to provide the best results.

    It seems that every time I raise my calorie intake by even a couple hundred calories - the weight comes right back on. I was hoping to reach my goal and then slowly raise my intake.

    your thoughts? feel free to email me direct.
  • tbetts23
    tbetts23 Posts: 303 Member
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    You've laid it all out there and seem to have got blasted. Sorry for that. I understand where you're coming from. I started this more than a year ago. It took my husband a few months to climb on board. You can't make them change but, you can lead by example. I ended up with this much to lose because I have the appetite of a trucker and could match him bite for bite. Good luck to you! You can do this. And so will he.....eventually:flowerforyou:
  • neuro_nut
    neuro_nut Posts: 78 Member
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    I feel your pain. My boyfriend eats like he'll never see food again. Last night he ate 4 hot dogs and a whole bag of chips for dinner, then ate a huge bowl of cereal a couple hours later :/

    That worst part... he is super thin!!! 145lbs soaking wet... It's very frustrating :(
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    . I make sure to tell him regularly that I don't want to change him- I want him to be just the way he is, but healthy enough to live a long and happy life with me.

    my hubby isn't in to the rich fattening sauces typically. If they're available he'll indulge to I try to keep those at a minimum.

    I totally agree with you. I want him to live a long and happy life with me. I don't want to nag. He loves spending time with me - just doesn't like tennis or flying. BUT - he loves to walk. maybe I need to concentrate on that.

    I don't work out in front of him or anyone else for that matter, so DVD exercising isn't in the plan. looks like walking. maybe some day he'll learn to like tennis:smile:
  • avatrx
    avatrx Posts: 52
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    You've laid it all out there and seem to have got blasted. Sorry for that. I understand where you're coming from. I started this more than a year ago. It took my husband a few months to climb on board. You can't make them change but, you can lead by example. I ended up with this much to lose because I have the appetite of a trucker and could match him bite for bite. Good luck to you! You can do this. And so will he.....eventually:flowerforyou:

    Thank you. much appreciated. I'll think I'll give up for tonight - go give him a big hug and tomorrow morning I'll have some fresh ideas. I did get him to quit smoking (after 2 years) and it was really hard for him. I was really happy that he quit. He has NO regrets. Now - onto the healthy lifestyle.............He really does like good, healthy food, but convenience seems to get in the way.

    Maybe I should start him off with getting the healthy subway sandwich instead of the meatball? I'm going to make him an eggwhite wrap for breakfast tomorrow. I thawed the spinach tonight. Egg-whites - spinach and feta on these wonderful whole grain wraps I found at the supermarket. 100 calories each about 9" in diameter. I can start with him by showing him egg white wraps are just as good as whole egg ones. less fat, less calories. he can have 2 of these to just one of the full fat ones...

    we'll see how tomorrow does.

    thanks to everyone - even those that weren't quite so 'kind'.

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