spouse/significant other changes attitude with weight loss?

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Replies

  • alwayskungfu
    alwayskungfu Posts: 92
    Too all you brilliant Women with unsupportive partners, they should be ashamed, there behaviour speaks volumes about their own hangups and shortcomings. You are all brilliant strong people , well done, do it for you, you all look fab. Sometimes it is very hard to start the battle against the bulge, and we have to hunt down and face our own or our partners demons. I love my life and my Wife is my best friend and my soulmate we have an 8yr old son. I would never dream of critesizing her choices, myself, I have always worked out, I value my health and do it firstly for me but also to be my best for my family. My wife has never really liked exercise and has gradually lost her battle with the dreaded pounds, she has always tried to be sensible with her diet, but puts on weight easily, recently she lost her Mum and has slipped into depression, so she has buried herself in books. I have told her that its getting to the point that I am worried about her health I have suggested we could see a nutritionist and perhaps we could go for long walks together, she agreed and was happy that I cared, she went back to her books. You can only help and support someone when they are ready, and they may never be, but thats even more reason to show your love. Good luck to you all.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
    Well, my husband and I aren't currently living together, as he is in the Army and in Hawaii.... I am moving there in about a month. But he knows I am exercising and trying to lose weight.
    He met me when I was about 10-12 lbs heavier and he loved me then and thought I was super sexy. haha :blushing:
    So the fact that I am getting smaller and more fit makes him excited.

    He is a very active person, and he wants me to be in shape just so he can do all the active things with me. He has always said that. He never said I was overweight or unattractive. He just said he wants to go hiking, biking, kayaking, etc... And he wants to do it all WITH me. So if I can't get up 2 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing, he says something.

    But he wants to get into cooking and eating healthy once we are together. So we will be exercising and eating well together. :bigsmile:

    He's adorable. He is all about sharing every experience with me. Even if it's watching a tv show. He has a list of shows that neither of us are allowed to watch because he wants to watch them together..... haha SO FREAKING CUTE. :love:

    Also, he wants to get a punching bag and speed bag. I haven't used my boxing gloves in a long time so I"m excited!
  • sheltony
    sheltony Posts: 73 Member
    Hubby saw me putting on my bathing suit the other day and commented on how nice I look! Made my day. He's losing weight too and I let him know how many difference I see. Kind of like "where's Carmen San Diego?" "where is that big tummy?" We try to show love and patience when we slip up, keeping each other motivated as we can.
  • balsert713
    balsert713 Posts: 39 Member
    I've never been "skinny".. I met my husband at 13 and was a chunky teen. We were together almost a year, he moved and long distance just did not work with us. So we remained friends. At 18, we met back up and have been together ever since. I was 200 at 18, gained to 250 but lost down to 205 for our June '12 wedding. I have dieted before, off and on, weight watchers this and that. Staying between 250 and 205. When I joined MFP, that was the end of the dieting .. It was a complete lifestyle revamping. My husband was game -- he was soooo skinny when I first met him. At 18, he was 160 and his heaviest was 240. (of course, skinny and chunky and so on is all relative considering he was 13 when I met him, and obviously in puberty where muscles and his body were changing). I've never loved him any less at his heaviest but will admit the sexual attraction was lost to me. I was also heavy, I found myself unattracfive, ugly, not wanting to be naked. The things we were accustomed to doing, now made impossible with our bellies touching. He is more unmotivated, tired, and lazy around the house. Running around with the kids, which I loved in him, now exhausts him. He has a bad knee, with extra weight, it takes little to aggrevate it. It seems the extra weight has changed a lot of the things I loved about him. Not that I'm NOT guilty of any of these things, or changes, but I can see a change in attitude.

    I still love him dearly, he's my husband. I think we'd both be more satisfied in our relationship healthier.

    On the flip side, he says he's afraid of his feelings when I become "skinny". I've never been, and he loves my body just the way it is. Of course, when I lost down to 205 I can clearly remember a time he enjoyed when I was "skinner" and all the compliments he gave me. So, I figure he'll adjust just fine, in a positive manner, to the new me. Haha.

    Other than sexual attraction, I find our relationship hasn't changed. I don't see the weight, unless he's complaining about his knee, and he's still the same person I fell in love with. If he wants to lose it, I'll be happy and supportive. He's always been supportive, whether I was dieting or not. Has never made side comments about my weight. He seemed impressed with my weight loss, but I'm not going back up to see the impact it has on my husband's attitude! :)
  • Jayne19099
    Jayne19099 Posts: 149 Member
    Oh wow, glad you posted this! My fiance and I are getting fitter together and I can really tell he is loving the new slimmer me. Personally, I LOOOOOOOVE the shapely muscles he has in his shoulders and arms now, I let him know it too :wink: and he is loving the new me. Our love life is better than it has ever been, we've been trying new things, and have stamina like never before, yeesh! Didn't know it could get so good :blushing: Basically, the hard work to be healthier and fitter is spilling over in to all aspects of out lives: work life, love life, social life, etc. It has really helped out relationship to have this common goal to support each other in working towards.
  • jen112685
    jen112685 Posts: 3
    My fiance has always found me attractive and I know this because we were friends/fwb off and on over the 5 previous years before we dated. lol. From my heaviest at 284 lbs to my lowest of 171 lbs he has told me just exactly how beautiful, hot, sexy, etc he thinks I am. We began dating when I was around my lowest weight, and I know that kinda sounds like he just got together with me because of that but I promise that's not how it went. lol. We have always been good friends to each other and great listeners and advice givers, we were just a little too oblivious at the time to notice we should have been with each other. Usually we'd get together to talk about one of our problems and then end up having mind blowing sex to forget about said problems. lol. When we both happened to be single at the same time and not hung up on an ex girlfriend or boyfriend at the same time was when we finally opened our eyes to one another and decided we should give this dating thing a try. It was mere coincidence that it happened when I was at my lowest weight but I'm not saying that didn't help in the deciding factor. I'd totally wanna date me at that weight. haha. Well now we've had a child together, my 2nd, his 2nd, and our 3rd total. During that pregnancy I had a rough go of things physically much more so than with my first pregnancy. I wasn't quite sure how to handle it and so I didn't really handle it very well at all. I gained back a lot of the weight I had lost and now that my last child is nearing 1 year old I'm finally able to get back on track and start hitting it hard again with working out and learning to be a runner once more. My SO is noticing and tells me how proud he is of me and celebrates every week when I tell him how much more I've lost. He wants to also start losing some weight. He's always been kind of a stick but had visible abs when we started dating but put on some baby weight with me and can't quite fit in to a few of his jeans. I will be sure to celebrate his efforts when he gets more serious about losing weight, too and always tell him how proud of him I am. Regardless of weight though we are both very much attracted to each other and can't keep our hands to ourselves. I am so happy to have such a wonderful partner and couldn't ask for a better person to support me in this. Unfortunately, I do know several other women who have lost drastic amounts of weight and their partners are resentful of them for it.
  • jen112685
    jen112685 Posts: 3
    We've been married 10 years now, a second marriage for both of us. I was widowed, and she was divorced, we each have one child, and none together. We are both Christians with very strong faith and beliefs. When we met, I was 235 lbs., just 15 lbs. over my fighting weight. We were both very physically attractive people. My wife is still VERY HOT! LOL! I totally understand the women who wrote about their husbands or boyfriends acting like perverts, not being able to keep their hands off of their wife's new sexy bodies! I have always been like that toward my wife, and I still am!

    Here's the rub....in her prior marriage, she was mentally and emotionally abused for the majority of the time she was married to her ex. This has led to a lot of personal insecurity in her persona. It was these insecurities that led her to always be suspicious of me, constantly worried that other women would be attracted to me, and that I would be seduced. As I started to put on weight during our marriage, she once told me she didn't care that I was overweight, that she actually preferred it because other women wouldn't want me! Because of her past, I have always tried to be loving, reassuring, and complimentary to her.

    To that end, over the 10 years of our marriage, I put on 100 lbs, and she put on 10! I couldn't stand the way I looked, and as a martial artist, I couldn't perform very well in the 4 or 5 competitions I entered each year. Make no mistake, I was training regularly, and lifting weights, but there was constantly junk food in the house, and the meal portions she would serve me were off the charts! I would complain about it, we would fight about it, and then due to my complacency, it would just go on that way. Meanwhile, she would run 5 miles 2 or 3 times a week, and be very disciplined about what she ate.

    In late December of 2012, I decided for myself that this was it. I was going to eat healthy, lose weight, and be healthy again. I wanted to lose 50 lbs. by my birthday, which is next week. I started doing all the food shopping myself, and a lot of the meal preparations as well. I still lift weights with a very aggressive routine 3 times a week, and train a couple times a week with karate. Since January of 2013, I've lost 34 lbs. and about 5 inches off of my waist. Most of it has come off since I joined MFP in April! (Shout out here to all of my MFP friends who've been so supportive! THANKS!) I've missed my initial goal, but I am definitely headed in the right direction! Long term, I will lose the 100 lbs, and maybe another 15 to get to my new goal weight of 220.

    My wife has been very supportive on the surface, and our sex life has picked up even more! (Mainly because I have more energy, and can move better and do more!) She even decided to lose the 10 lbs, she has put on, and joined MFP as well. However, as the weight and inches have come off, some of the insecurities have come back in the form of worries about other women hitting on me, and me giving in to them and cheating on her. Occasionally, she suggests we go out for ice cream sundaes, "...because I've been working so hard and I deserve it." She "surprises" me with Snickers bars, because they are my favorite. She prepares meals that while very good, are high in calories or carbs.

    Spousal support in an endeavor such as this is a complicated thing. If your spouse or partner is secure in and about themselves, then the support will be there. I suspect that spouses or partners who are not supportive secretly fear that if you lose weight, get in shape, and look good, that they will lose you to someone else. If this is your situation, be even MORE reassuring of your love and commitment to your partner, and the relationship you share together. In a committed relationship, someone has to be the anchor. Ideally, you take turns in this role. Don't let your partner's insecurities or indifference toward your goals and successes in your endeavors to become a healthy person derail you from your efforts. At the same time, as you begin to get noticed more by others, (and you will be), don't let the compliments feed your partner's insecurities. Make the effort to be more affectionate, loving, and reassuring to your partner, and keep on track to achieving your goals!

    I agree that you should most definitely be reassuring to your insecure spouse in such situations as I know too many who are upset, jealous, and insecure and take it out on their spouse for losing too much weight and thinking that means they are going to leave them. However, I think that you reassuring them isn't always enough. I would suggest having a good long sitdown talk about how it is not okay for her to keep offering you snickers or ice cream trying to derail you even if her intentions are 'good'. Talk to her about how this makes you feel and then suggest you both go to counseling together to work on the insecurity issues. Suggesting the spouse go alone will only cause more problems in my opinion, but going together you will have the chance to understand what she's going through even better and also to maybe even learn new things yourself about what really works in reassuring her that you arent going anywhere. Maybe saying it isn't enough. Maybe she wants you to show it somehow? I don't know. Just a suggestion, not trying to butt in to your marriage. I hope you and others in the same situation will consider it though. I think getting healthy isn't just physical.
  • labeachgirl
    labeachgirl Posts: 158 Member

    Here's the rub....in her prior marriage, she was mentally and emotionally abused for the majority of the time she was married to her ex. This has led to a lot of personal insecurity in her persona. It was these insecurities that led her to always be suspicious of me, constantly worried that other women would be attracted to me, and that I would be seduced. As I started to put on weight during our marriage, she once told me she didn't care that I was overweight, that she actually preferred it because other women wouldn't want me! Because of her past, I have always tried to be loving, reassuring, and complimentary to her.

    To that end, over the 10 years of our marriage, I put on 100 lbs, and she put on 10! I couldn't stand the way I looked, and as a martial artist, I couldn't perform very well in the 4 or 5 competitions I entered each year. Make no mistake, I was training regularly, and lifting weights, but there was constantly junk food in the house, and the meal portions she would serve me were off the charts! I would complain about it, we would fight about it, and then due to my complacency, it would just go on that way. Meanwhile, she would run 5 miles 2 or 3 times a week, and be very disciplined about what she ate.

    In late December of 2012, I decided for myself that this was it. I was going to eat healthy, lose weight, and be healthy again. I wanted to lose 50 lbs. by my birthday, which is next week. I started doing all the food shopping myself, and a lot of the meal preparations as well. I still lift weights with a very aggressive routine 3 times a week, and train a couple times a week with karate. Since January of 2013, I've lost 34 lbs. and about 5 inches off of my waist. Most of it has come off since I joined MFP in April! (Shout out here to all of my MFP friends who've been so supportive! THANKS!) I've missed my initial goal, but I am definitely headed in the right direction! Long term, I will lose the 100 lbs, and maybe another 15 to get to my new goal weight of 220.

    My wife has been very supportive on the surface, and our sex life has picked up even more! (Mainly because I have more energy, and can move better and do more!) She even decided to lose the 10 lbs, she has put on, and joined MFP as well. However, as the weight and inches have come off, some of the insecurities have come back in the form of worries about other women hitting on me, and me giving in to them and cheating on her. Occasionally, she suggests we go out for ice cream sundaes, "...because I've been working so hard and I deserve it." She "surprises" me with Snickers bars, because they are my favorite. She prepares meals that while very good, are high in calories or carbs.

    Spousal support in an endeavor such as this is a complicated thing. If your spouse or partner is secure in and about themselves, then the support will be there. I suspect that spouses or partners who are not supportive secretly fear that if you lose weight, get in shape, and look good, that they will lose you to someone else. If this is your situation, be even MORE reassuring of your love and commitment to your partner, and the relationship you share together. In a committed relationship, someone has to be the anchor. Ideally, you take turns in this role. Don't let your partner's insecurities or indifference toward your goals and successes in your endeavors to become a healthy person derail you from your efforts. At the same time, as you begin to get noticed more by others, (and you will be), don't let the compliments feed your partner's insecurities. Make the effort to be more affectionate, loving, and reassuring to your partner, and keep on track to achieving your goals!

    Not to butt into your marriage either, but I think your wife is kinda perpetuating the cycle of her prior relationship (power and control). Good for you in being well adjusted despite that.
  • mikemalone85
    mikemalone85 Posts: 1
    It's really sad to read so many stories about people not getting support from their significant other during their weight loss journey. I make it a point to tell my wife everyday how great she is doing and how beautiful she looks. Sometimes is seems like she feels like I'm just saying it because I have to, but the truth is, I don't have to say it. I really do appreciate all of her hard work and think she is looking incredible. I'm so sorry if your significant other doesn't let you know how great you look, it really helps to keep you motivated. If they do tell you everyday, don't get tired of hearing it. Don't take it for granted when they really are sincere.
  • lilbearzmom
    lilbearzmom Posts: 600 Member
    My husband has watched me try to lose weight and yo yo diet the entire 16 years we have been together. There's only one time I can remember when he wasn't totally supportive of me- it was when I was really addicted to the gym (wish I had that motivation now) and was going 7 days a week and going to Weight Watchers meetings. He would try to get me to stay home on the weekend mornings and not jump out of bed for the meeting, gym, etc.
    In December 2012 I finally had WLS and have dropped 122 lbs. He is really supportive of me- not because of the better sex part, but he was really concerned about my health. He is not threatened at all. I don't take him for granted, believe me!

    -Kendra
  • arw4
    arw4 Posts: 51 Member
    My boyfriend is supportive but not overly so. He always tells me that I look great and gets mad when I say I need to lose weight. He's a bit bigger himself and doesn't want to do much to change it... but that's fine with me. I want to get myself into better shape and lose the weight, and my boyfriend says that as long as I don't get ridiculously skinny that's fine with him (he has a thing for curvy girls, but I told him I'll still be curvy after I lose a few pounds, it's in my build).

    I wish I could motivate him to lose some weight. He's probably close to 300 pounds, and while he is 5'10", it's clear that he is overweight. I love him either way but I think it would be great if he wanted to get in better shape (for his health, as we are both still young). Is anyone in a similar situation here?
  • VixenArgentum
    VixenArgentum Posts: 91 Member
    I'm truly confused about the people with unsupportive partners. If you cannot support each other, why are you together?

    Maybe it's because I'm Aspie and don't grasp a lot of social nuances...but if my husband refused to support my new healthy habits, there would be two options--he can get couples counseling with me to get to the root of why he's unsupportive and fix it or he can get the hell out of my house because I got married to be in a true partnership.

    My husband actually was the one who bought me my Fitbit flex and he got one as well (his is black and mine is blue). We've both joined MFP--we were originally on Livestrong but the Fitbit interfaces with MFP. He has about 30 to lose whereas I have about 90. Our approaches to weightloss are different, as he eats worse than I do and works more with diet (donuts at work, candy, snackfoods--I have no sweet tooth) , and I suffer from inactivity so I've worked more with becoming more active and exercising.

    On weekends we go on long walks together. We plan out our meals together and eat all 3 meals a day together. I do wish that he would exercise a bit himself, since he would benefit greatly from weight training. But, I know that focusing on diet for now is a big step and a lot for him to work on right now. We are trying very hard to create the healthy lifestyle we will live for the rest of our lives together.

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