I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

SezxyStef · July 2013

I hear this all the time...

People at work (when I started wearing cloths that fit me) all noticed and made comments, "wow you have lost weight...looking good" or

Friends "you are looking good way to go"

or

People who haven't seen me for a while (either work/friends/family) it's holy crap what have you been doing

I take them all as compliments and smile...why because I have lost a lot of weight, I am looking good (I did before too but I look better now).

now try this one...I am 40, husband is 31, son is 19...and I always get..."you don't look old enough to have a child that age"...that can be taken two ways either I look young for my age or I was a raving s**t as a teenager.....

You pick how you feel not others.

bellavita0125 · July 2013

I saw a lot of old friends this weekend who I hadn't seen in about 6 months. I know they are very supportive and loving, and happy for me that I've made this transformation of losing a lot of weight (down 87 total but regained 3 pounds in water weight from this weekend's festivities), but when people say things like "it's weird to see you thin" like it's weird for me to be healthy and normal, or "you're almost as skinny as me now" it really makes you feel kinda ****ty, no? Or my personal favorite "i'm so proud of you!" ...it just is kind of condescending, I want to say, "you're not my parents, don't be proud of me, I'm not beneath you!". i know they mean well, but it kind of makes me feel like i was some freak of nature before, not a real person, just some gigantic humongous monster. Is it wrong to feel this way? I guess I should be grateful for the compliments but sometimes it hurts and reminds me of all the time I lost when people were apparently thinking so low of me.

Does anyone have any experience in dealing with people "complimenting" you when it makes you feel kinda bad?

It is important not to let your own personal insecurities cause you to color the words of others. Left handed compliments do exist but the ones you have picked have me thinking the problem must be with your own self esteem. Let's look at the examples you have provided.

1. It is weird to see you thin. / Well if you have been overweight the entire time you have known a person and now you are not then it probably would be weird to see you thin. You made them accustomed to seeing you a certain way and you have changed that. It is only natural that it might be a bit weird to them.

2. You're almost as skinny as me now. / This could be nothing more than a simple statement of fact. After losing weight you are almost as skinny as person X then taking notice of that fact is nothing more than being minimally observant.

3. I'm so proud of you. / I did a double take on this one. I don't know who told you that you have to be above someone to be proud of them. I am proud of my friends and family when they accomplish something regardless of their station as compared to mine.

The thing is your insecurities are so severe you have put your friends in a catch 22. If they don't say anything you would be on here posting that you have done all of this work and nobody has taken any notice of it. Yet these benign compliments have you questioning your entire history with them. Ask yourself this what could they say that wouldn't rub you the wrong way? If you are lucky enough to have a group of friends that actually care enough to take some time and try to come up with a compliment to praise you for all of your hard work just take the compliment and stop trying to figure out what is really going on behind it. Consider the possibility that maybe they are actually just trying to compliment you for doing something so difficult.

^^^^^ THIS!

HollisGrant · July 2013

My advice is to ignore the words and look at the good intent. People will stumble over their words and even say something awkward or offensive, but if they mean well (and you can tell whether they do or not), then accept it with grace and forgive them if they didn't say it exactly the right way. I learned this helping my late husband deal with cancer for many years and then had to handle some painful comments after he passed away from a medical error. Forgive people if they're awkward and accept their good wishes with grace. And if somebody is genuinely rude, you can always give them a frozen stare and move on.

raneylfrick · July 2013

DRAMA!!

This probably shouldn't be posted under Success Stories if you don't want people to acknowledge your success...

TrishaAnn13 · July 2013

The point of asking this question was to find out how other people deal with hearing things that people say in response to weight loss, not to be psychoanalyzed. I don't "look for negatives in everything" and i don't have "insecurities so severe that I put my friends in a catch 22"...it was simply a question. There's no need for judgment.

I'm not sure how anyone read your post and thought "I know I'll insult her." I am sorry you had to receive those, you have come so far and you look damn good. You're not alone people give compliments that are meant well and just not well delivered all the time. I remember one of my acquaintances said something like "wow you've lost a lot of weight you really needed that" to a close friend of mine after she dropped 50 pounds, and I remember being appalled for her. I haven't received any like that I think most of my friends are a little afraid to say anything, but the ones that do are pretty sweet about it. Good luck adjusting to it and in a little it won't have the same attention it does now. Congratulations!!

ObjectInMotion · July 2013

soldier4242 said it much more nicely than I would.

They were being nice.

Don't go looking for negatives in everything, and you won't find them.

*edit grammar. In three sentences, forPeteSake. argh.

Agree with all of that.

I know they mean well, but...compliments can be insults

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