I have serious problems with my mom

SheTalksWithAngels
SheTalksWithAngels Posts: 10
in Motivation and Support
OK...I have a mom who is super critical of me and never misses and opportunity to trash me. Both to my face and to other people. I have overcome a lot of bad **** in my life and I would like to be proud of that but my mother constantly throws it in my face. I tend to eat when I'm stressed so this has been a big cause of my recent weight gain.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to tune out her constant negativity?
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Replies

  • Woodsmoke
    Woodsmoke Posts: 360 Member
    Any chance of shouting it back in her face?

    Also, I think a taste of her own medicine would be a good idea. Sounds hypocritical, but there are times when the thing they need is a HARRRRSH lesson.

    So do to her what she does to you. Then she'll shut up!
  • ladynocturne
    ladynocturne Posts: 865 Member
    Do you have to spend time with her or even speak to her? One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves is to not expose our minds to negative/poisonous people. Maybe once she is ready to get real and talk to you about why you're upset with her, you can work on your relationship.
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
    It sounds like you need to be far-far away from her. Leave no forwarding address. Sometimes we find ourselves related to the worst people on the planet, but we are no more obligated to interact with them than with any other loathesome creature.
  • aquarabbit
    aquarabbit Posts: 1,622 Member
    Honestly, ignore her. It'll be hard at first, but with practice, it'll get easier and easier and then you'll just tune her out by habit. If you absolutely must say something to her, just say "I'd rather focus on positive things." Find little catch phrases that keep you calm and remind you that she's trying to work you up. Don't let her control your emotions. They are YOURS, not hers to toy with. Then go home and beat the ever loving crap out of a pillow. Or put all that energy into workouts. I let my anger out through workouts. Just remember that even if you're bottling up your anger, you're not suppressing it, you're just choosing the time and place for it to come out. But you have to get it out sometime, just not with her.
  • AJ_G
    AJ_G Posts: 4,158 Member
    Don't trip chocolate chip, be yourself, those who matter don't mind, and those who mind DON'T MATTER.
  • Shaky44
    Shaky44 Posts: 214 Member
    If you really are a WOMAN in her 30s (and not a teenage girl), you need to seek counseling, not a message board.
  • ladyark
    ladyark Posts: 1,101 Member
    I think that at 35 ( if you arent dependent on her for anything ..food, bills etc) then its time to let the toxic people in your life go. Just because it is your mother doesent mean you have to put up with anyone treating you in a way you dislike.

    The choice is actually yours as to how you let yourself get treated. You might be a whole lot happier with out her constant negativity affecting you,

    Good luck with that!
  • Zombella
    Zombella Posts: 491 Member
    I was having similar problems. While they aren't totally fixed, I had to dig deep into the problem so I was able to stop eating all of the junk when I got upset. You have to look at her as someone who is negative, not as your mother. So many people don't get it because they don't have toxic parents. What I had to do was first limit the amount of information you give because that is just ammo for her to talk about you to others. You have to also decide if you want to cut down or completely stop communications with her. If you feel that you can't, then you'll have to tell her straight out it isn't okay what she is doing.
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    OK...I have a mom who is super critical of me and never misses and opportunity to trash me. Both to my face and to other people. I have overcome a lot of bad **** in my life and I would like to be proud of that but my mother constantly throws it in my face. I tend to eat when I'm stressed so this has been a big cause of my recent weight gain.

    Does anyone have any ideas on how to tune out her constant negativity?

    There's a good book about this called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Your public library might have it. The book is geared for couples, not parents and adult children, but just ignore that. I read it specifically because of lifelong problems with my mother and it really helped. Everybody has the right to be treated in a respectful manner. Find a counselor who specifically understands verbal abuse. Go yourself or ask your mother to go with you. If she won't or can't change, then stay away from her unless you are in a controlled situation (like a counseling office). Good luck.
  • littlesis1962
    littlesis1962 Posts: 13 Member
    First let me start by saying I am a 50 year old woman who still has issues with my negative mother who takes every opprotunity to play her 4 children against each other. Several years ago I realized (with much anxiety) that I was a grown up woman with a comfortable home, a husband who loves me for me and for who I AM, two amazing children that I stayed home to raise (one of my proudest accomplishments) and a successful career. And I achieved all of that inspite of her backstabbing, betrayal and negativity.

    I dug in, I drew boundary lines and I cut her out pretty much completely. I occasionally let her back into my life little by little until she tries to cross those boundaries yet again. Then I make the decision to pull back. I also went to counselling and worked on me because I am the only one I can control. I grew strong and proud and realized that what I've always taught my kids now applied to me. That was "Nobody gets to treat you that way unless you let them. Even family" and "Be very careful whose opinions you let matter."

    Good luck with your journey. I wish you a strong, healthy future.
  • abetterbrandi
    abetterbrandi Posts: 131
    I have a mom that is exactly the same. Critical of me in every way, extremely hard to please. I've come to terms lately with the fact I need to focus on MYSELF. As hard as it is, I cannot let her get to me. So I learned to shrug it off, not to listen to it and just to come to terms with she is obviously unhappy with HERSELF to project that crap onto me. So, smile your doing positive things with your life, and you should feel PROUD of yourself!
  • MattKnight66
    MattKnight66 Posts: 15
    The best way to tune her out is to make sure she far enough away that you can't hear her..
    Another way is to confront her. Tell her how she makes you feel. Let her know that if it continues that you will have no choice but to cut her out of your life as much as possible. She is either with you or against you. Those with you get to share in your life.. Those not with you do not..
  • wyldflowrr_6
    wyldflowrr_6 Posts: 25
    Wow, sad but at the same time, glad to see I'm not the only one with this issue. I'm 40, BTW. I used to cry & cry to my husband about this; even moved across the country to get away from her & then I realized that I was seeking too much approval from someone not willing to give it to me. I also realized that when I was seeking approval, I was letting her be too involved in my life, which gave her opportunity to do this. I'm not sure if that's the case for you. I wish you luck & remember: You can't choose how other people act; just how you re-act
  • Sherbog
    Sherbog Posts: 1,072 Member
    Put as much space between yourself and your mom. People can only treat you as badly as you allow. Spend less time around her and tell her why. Sounds easy...hope you do not let your mom sabotage your life journey.
  • BigDnSW
    BigDnSW Posts: 641 Member
    If you really are a WOMAN in her 30s (and not a teenage girl), you need to seek counseling, not a message board.

    Agreed...there are various therapies and techniques designed to deal with a hypercritical parent. If you want to do some bibliotherapy, Google "how to deal with a critical parent". Lots of great info.

    I know from experience and education as a counseling psychologist. I wish you peace and wellness.
  • moonfruity
    moonfruity Posts: 43 Member
    I would focus on myself instead of your mother. I really love EFT for these types of emotional dysfunction here's a youtube about it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fhl48JCdvDM
  • CapnGordo
    CapnGordo Posts: 327
    Tell her to "step off" or to "talk to the hand because the face is not interested in listening to what she has to say". I saw that on a movie once. Appeared to work really well.
  • metalvegan
    metalvegan Posts: 133 Member
    I have the exact same problem. I try to pretend my mom has tourettes or some other mental/emotional disability. It helps sometimes :)
  • justwanderful
    justwanderful Posts: 142 Member
    There are three types of people in this world.
    1. People who, when you have a problem, offer to help you.
    2. People who, when you have a problem, do nothing or shy away.
    3. People who cause you problems.

    Never, never, never invite the third type into your life.

    Your mother sounds like the third type. Figure out a way to start distancing yourself from her. Then do it.
  • SheTalksWithAngels
    SheTalksWithAngels Posts: 10
    Thanks for all the great advice! I am loving this place!!
  • SheTalksWithAngels
    SheTalksWithAngels Posts: 10
    Urgh!
  • SheTalksWithAngels
    SheTalksWithAngels Posts: 10
    If you really are a WOMAN in her 30s (and not a teenage girl), you need to seek counseling, not a message board.

    I'm getting counseling but this place gives me much needed ADVICE!
  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
    Don't trip chocolate chip, be yourself, those who matter don't mind, and those who mind DON'T MATTER.

    Awe, this was cute. :smile:
  • Sunitagt
    Sunitagt Posts: 486 Member
    It sounds like you need to be far-far away from her. Leave no forwarding address. Sometimes we find ourselves related to the worst people on the planet, but we are no more obligated to interact with them than with any other loathesome creature.

    +1

    My mom was the same way when I was younger. She was always super critical of me and my weight and the fact that I got good grades was not enough to combat this. There were many other contributing factors, but once I moved away from home to go to college I never spoke to her again. Couldn't be more content with my decision. I simply do not need toxic people in my life.

    Perhaps you are exaggerating a little to yourself and on here, and maybe you don't want to cut her out completely. I would just greatly reduce the amount of contact you have with her until she straightens out her issues.
  • mccbabe1
    mccbabe1 Posts: 737 Member
    I was having similar problems. While they aren't totally fixed, I had to dig deep into the problem so I was able to stop eating all of the junk when I got upset. You have to look at her as someone who is negative, not as your mother. So many people don't get it because they don't have toxic parents. What I had to do was first limit the amount of information you give because that is just ammo for her to talk about you to others. You have to also decide if you want to cut down or completely stop communications with her. If you feel that you can't, then you'll have to tell her straight out it isn't okay what she is doing.

    bump
  • littlewhittles
    littlewhittles Posts: 402 Member
    My mom was the same way to me growing up. Luckily, she's gotten so self-centered she ignores me most of the time now.

    But back then, I would tune her out. I ate a lot too because her biggest criticism of me was that I was fat. She told me not to eat, I did it out of defiance.

    Distance might help some, if you can. It's hard for me to not care what my mom thinks, but that's the point I had to get to to break her hold on me.

    Good luck!
  • jetlag
    jetlag Posts: 800 Member
    First let me start by saying I am a 50 year old woman who still has issues with my negative mother who takes every opprotunity to play her 4 children against each other. Several years ago I realized (with much anxiety) that I was a grown up woman with a comfortable home, a husband who loves me for me and for who I AM, two amazing children that I stayed home to raise (one of my proudest accomplishments) and a successful career. And I achieved all of that inspite of her backstabbing, betrayal and negativity.

    I dug in, I drew boundary lines and I cut her out pretty much completely. I occasionally let her back into my life little by little until she tries to cross those boundaries yet again. Then I make the decision to pull back. I also went to counselling and worked on me because I am the only one I can control. I grew strong and proud and realized that what I've always taught my kids now applied to me. That was "Nobody gets to treat you that way unless you let them. Even family" and "Be very careful whose opinions you let matter."

    Good luck with your journey. I wish you a strong, healthy future.

    Brilliant!
  • kitscatpaws
    kitscatpaws Posts: 10
    My mom was always critical about my weight and it always made me rebel and just get fatter. She lost a very rough battle with cancer last year and I have only been able to start losing weight and become healthier since she passed away but I tell you what, I would rather weigh 500 pounds and still have my mom here with me.
  • bethlaf
    bethlaf Posts: 954 Member
    I divorced my family... i still love and treasure my memories from my dad, but my stepmother sees me as an evil interloper (even 30 years later)
    so , the harsh words, if youre in a situation where you cannot leave, do what i did, in one week, i wrote everything she said to me .. and then i made a copy and gave it to both of them , it fixed it for a little while ...
    but eventually it got bad again, to the point where she would not let him attend my wedding nor walk me down the aisle, or she was going to divorce him...

    so i said, ok if thats how its going to be, then youre right, immediate family first, i have never looked back , the only contact we have is through facebook.
    thats it.
  • ironanimal
    ironanimal Posts: 5,922 Member
    Tell her she's a dumb cow and nobody likes her.

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