Being 'the best friend' aka 'turns out I am superficial'

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LisaWho32
LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
in Chit-Chat
Warning - this is a long one, I'm sorry!

I've just joined MFP yesterday...been heavy all my life, it's created some pretty nasty demons inside, always wanted to change, but never felt motivated enough, blah blah blah.

For the last year I have been 'seeing' this man. He is a single father with two kids (7 and 8) and I am in the UK and he is in Germany. We met once in person but spoke most days over the last year on Skype. I've never met anyone who I've connected with so well (I find you can learn so much more about a person when you talk to them online as you spend the entire time talking about everything and anything).

He used to be 300 lbs but has lost nearly all of it over the past 2 years. He's worked amazingly hard for what he's achieved now and has adopted a completely healthy lifestyle and loves to be cycling, running, outside with the kids, whatever it takes to keep himself fit.

Things were getting serious about 6 months ago and I started learning German, I was speaking to his kids (the best I could as an English speaker) on Skype a lot and although it wasn't an immediate plan, we had talked a lot about me moving there to be a family.

The catch? I had recently come out of a 10 year marriage of physical, emotional and financial abuse and it can really kill a person inside. So I had spent the last year 'healing' and going through the depression that naturally arises after things like this. He was a great support and an amazing friend through it all. But, the problem is that he saw the 'healing' me - eating to ease the pain, sitting around in my pajamas watching TV, not going on and seeing people, basically just being a shadow.

Now, almost 2 years on, I am ready to start focusing on improving other aspects of me - particularly my health and weight and general attitude towards eating and living (also a process in itself). Great, right?? :)

Well, the last 6 months, German guy has been very distant romantically but has been completely the same otherwise and I finally asked him to 'spit it out' the other day to which he replied, in the nicest possible way, 'I fought for the last six months against the doubts in my head because you are perfect and the kids love you and I love you but....it turns out I am superficial'

Apparently what this is, is 'I love you completely in every other way, but I can't deal with your weight' After further talking, it seems that it was that along with his concerns that our lifestyles wouldn't combine well and he was worried that if my health at 32 was like this, what would it be in 10 years and it hurt to think he could lose me. And now, ironically, the fact that I want to eat healthy and start getting out he is seeing as 'she is doing this for me' which he thinks is completely wrong.

So, here it stands. We are the best of friends and I am completely still in love with him. The only man I have trusted and felt comfortable with in over 11 years has managed to pull out the ONE emotional demon that has beat me for my entire life and used it as the reason he can't be with me....while I am trying to improve that exact part of my life. He still wants to talk all the time and visit him and the kids.

The problem is that no matter how much my heart is aching right now, I think he has a perfectly reasonable point! He has come a long way in his health, doesn't ever want to look back to what he was, wants the best possible life for the kids and is afraid that from what he has seen of me over the past year, we would not be suitable in that way. Unfortunately, he got me at the worst time, try to heal from an abusive marriage....improving yourself is not the first thought on your mind when you leave a situation like that. There is no one else in his life, I don't think that is the problem. He is a great man and I respect that he told me the truth...but, I don't want to use him as my motivation to change...that was something I wanted to do anyway. Unfortunately, any pound I lose, or any exercise I do, he will think I am doing it for him. I'm lost - what do I do? Oh and by the way, apparently I have a 'very pretty face, but....' Any other girls just sick to the teeth of hearing that one?

Thank you so much to anyone who has managed to get to the end of this!
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Replies

  • PibblesRun
    PibblesRun Posts: 236 Member
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    No he doesn't have a point. If you love someone you love them nomatter what. He knew you were overweight and chose to start a relationship with you anyway. As much as you probably don't want to hear this it sounds like he might have found someone else. He had no problem with your weight up until now, so why all of a sudden?

    You said you wanted to get healthy...someone who loves you would be willing to help you and cheer you on, want you to succeed, push you hard! And who better than someone who knows what its like to be overweight and lose weight? He IS a superficial JERK in my opinion...and one with no right to be since he came from being overweight as well.

    My favorite saying in the world "those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"

    Be glad he broke things off now because someone like that probably would have been superficial or controlling in other areas as well. Youre better off without him.
  • MommaRoseFitness
    MommaRoseFitness Posts: 87 Member
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    I always got the OMG you are gorgeous until I gained weight with cancer treatments. Now it is you have a pretty face lol. If he is looking at the future it is not all superficial. Maybe he wants to see you do this for yourself. I would be concerned too that you were only doing it for him.

    I guess set fitness goals too, instead of just scale goals. If it is meant to be you two will be. Let him be your best friend, and things will probably evolve back to the way it was.
  • froeschli
    froeschli Posts: 1,292 Member
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    Well, you got him talking - I tell you, with Germans that's quite an achievement :wink: (I am half German, and lived in Germany for a while etc, so I am allowed my bias).
    Anyhow, I cannot tell you how to handle the relationship part of this, I don't know either of you well enough...
    As for changing your eating habits and lifestyle, just keep going. Part of me would consider quitting it because of his misconception, but that'd just be silly. Once the changes become routine, and part of you, people will notice the results. Until then, just do what you do, maybe don't advertise it, that usually helps keep the critics at bay. And if he sees it is not just a temporary 'I am trying to make you like me more'-thing for you, maybe he'll come around....
    Best of luck :happy:
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    KTaje3512 - Thank you, trust me, I have completely been going through that same battle in my head 'if he loved me, then he would love all of me' and he knew I was overweight from day one as I make a point of it being almost the first thing I ever tell anyone! But at the same time, I don't love me like this and it has been causing me pain for so many years. A similar thing happened to me in high school...with my boyfriend for 4 years and his mother didn't want her son's prom pictures (the ones she'd look back on and cherish forever) to be with me standing next to him....he came crawling back in tears 2 years later but it was too late! :-) The point is, can I expect someone to accept the way I look if I can't even do it?

    He does want to give me motivation and tips and is overall supportive of the IDEA of getting fit, so it would be unfair of me to say, he's a jerk, called me fat and said go away...it's not like that. It almost feels as though he is saying 'please please don't do this for me, but at the same time, please please do this because I want to be with you.'

    But, I completely get where you are coming from and it's also where those friends closest to me are coming from too. I haven't seen ANY other signs of controlling or belittling behaviour from him in the last year (trust me, as an abuse survivor, the red flags would have come out by now!) which is why I'm having trouble getting to the 'ah screw him' point! lol

    I really appreciate you giving me your thoughts on this - thank you!! :)
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    MommaRoseFitn - I'm so sorry to hear about what you must have been/be going through with the cancer treatments...I truly hope that they are going well. And also, to have to deal with both such serious health concerns AND then deal with the confidence issues (which can be as painful sometimes) is just plain terrible. You sound like a very positive soul! :-)

    Yes, you have interpreted it as I did (maybe it was easier to deal with it that way?) If he didn't have kids, maybe I wouldn't have seen it that way, but they have to be first in his mind, and if he brought over the me he saw before (lazy, never wanted to leave the house, eating Doritos and Diet Coke, etc) I would be worried too! He has to be a role model for them and at the same time, enjoy getting healthier and how can he do both of those things with someone who hasn't got the same goals in mind?

    You're right - I also need to consider the fitness goals rather than just the 'jeans size' ones! I've thought about that - things like I hate hurting when I bend down to get something or my thighs feeling like they will rip to shreds if I climb 10 stairs...maybe that is what I should be focusing on the most!

    Thank you!! :)
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    froeschli - LOL!!!! yes, well I have learned this haha...that was why he was so different. When we started talking, I had other people tell me the same...oooooh German guys aren't the most open with their feelings. True to an extent, but he's got a big heart and we have grown really close emotionally, so I guess he's an exception (sort of! lol)

    I totally had that moment of 'ah screw this, if you think I'm doing this for you, I'll stop doing it just to prove it's not about you' but then I realised that would really be doing some reactive rather than helping myself, so yeah, been there!

    I also completely agree with you - advertising it is what might shoot me down. Everyone around me is thin and healthy and where some people would find it better to tell everyone so they had a reason to keep going, I feel like everyone would be judging me every second of the day to see whether it's 'working', so thank you - you've reassured me on that point!

    Thank you for your inspiring words :)
  • tekwriter
    tekwriter Posts: 923 Member
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    If you can cand stand to continue to be friends then by all means let him help you with what he has learned. I am sure he will continue to believe for a bit that you are doing it for him, but as time goes on he will see that you are doing it for yourself as doing it for someone else is not sustainable. You will either grow closer or move apart, either way I wish you the best of luck.
  • jayrudq
    jayrudq Posts: 475 Member
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    I am sorry. It sounds painful and confusing.
    While your friend may have opened up and told you what is going on, I am having a hard time reconciling it. And maybe his feelings have changed and he can't reconcile it either. But the "superficial' thing 1+ year into your relationship does not ring true to me.

    REGARDLESS of what is going on there, you girlfriend, need to keep on keeping on with your business and what is good for you. If he is still around and sees that, and indeed, that is his concern then it will be resolved. If not, then he missed out and BIG time.

    Best.
  • leed12345
    leed12345 Posts: 21 Member
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    It's interesting that he didn't come up with this until you coming to Germany became a real possibility. I am sure he does think and always has thought you are wonderful, but this may not be about your weight at all. He is using that as a convenient excuse. He may be scared and have commitment issues.

    It is a big deal to change countries for someone else. It is also a big responsibility to have someone is uprooting their whole life to be with you. Then if the relationship doesn't work out, you are stuck in a foreign country, no friends, family, home or job. My husband changed countries for me it and he has missed his friends, family, culture, and food ever since, (for 12 years!!!!) Skype notwithstanding.

    That being said.... change your life for you. Continue to be friends with him. If your relationship is truly the great love you believe it is, it will be there when you are farther along in your healing journey. You need to do this in your own space, in your own time, and get to know yourself again. Having been in an abusive relationship I didn't realize how far eroded my personality had become until I much farther along in my journey.

    You are a courageous woman! You can do this and do it for yourself. You may meet someone else along the way, or this man may be your biggest cheerleader and face his fears of commitment. He has come a long way too, and think about how hard it would be for him to fall completely in love with you and then backslide himself into habits he fought to hard to overcome only 2 years ago - not so long ago. He is scared for himself too.

    Either way, don't place your hopes and plans in him. Place them in yourself. You can do this!

    Be healthy for yourself. Show yourself you can do it. Be strong. Live well. Be healthy. You will find love again - with him or without him. But love yourself first.

    Ha - I talk like I think I'm an expert....but I am trying to live this advice myself. It's hard, but I'm trying and I really do believe in it.
  • DebbieLyn63
    DebbieLyn63 Posts: 2,650 Member
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    If all is how you see it as being with him, I don't think he is a jerk at all. He seems to care very deeply for you, albeit it more as a friend since your interaction has been mostly online, but he is kinda caught in a dilemma himself. He knows how hard he fought to make a better lifestyle for himself and is afraid of falling back into old habits. He doesn't have that possibility if you remain distant friends.
    Yes, he wants to see you improve your lifestyle as well, but he doesn't want you to do it strictly for him, as that puts a lot of pressure on someone when that happens.

    So either the situation is- he isn't ready to get into an actual, in-person relationship with anyone, and your relationship is relatively 'safe' right now, and he wants it to remain the same as it is. OR

    He IS starting to be ready for an in-person relationship, and he is afraid that your unhealthy habits will cause him to revert back to his unhealthy ones, and then he would resent you if he gained his weight back and became inactive again. He may be afraid that you will change just long enough to 'get him' then go back to being overweight and inactive. This happens a lot. OR

    He is ready for an in-person relationship and that person just isn't you. Whether he has someone else in mind already, or whether he has an idea of the person he wants to get serious with, and you don't fit that description.

    Whatever the situation is, long-distant relationships are very hard to maintain. They are even harder to convert to an in-person relationship, as things are completely different when you are actually living together, and living your whole lives together every day.

    It sounds like you have a great friendship with him now, and he has been a great support for you while you were healing from your divorce. Keep that friendship, as you continue to work on yourself, for your OWN benefit, no matter what happens with him.

    If you start to look at him as your Knight in Shining Armor, then you will start to lose yourself in him and your insecurities will start coming back. You do have to make these health changes for yourself, no matter who you end up with in the end. You will not be the same person a year from now that you were when you first met him. That might be a good thing, or it might end the relationship, depending on what he really sees this relationship as being.

    But no matter where his head is, you have to figure out what you want for yourself, with or without him. Make attainable goals and do them. Right now, it is a dream in your head of being a healthy person. Make that dream a reality, then see what life has in store for you when you become the person you want to be.

    You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are looking at this in a pretty mature manner. Keep that up. You can do this. :flowerforyou:
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    tekwriter - I know! That's the irony of the whole thing, isn't it? He would be a great inspiration (and has been) to help me on this path! So I would really value his input into the whole process....I just fear that whenever he suggests something a part of me will feel defensive and hurt...which is not the right emotion, I know. I hope that is just that the initial wound is still open and that it will close in time, making that go away a bit! I don't want to lose his friendship or that of the kids. He has been an important part of my life this past year and through a very difficult period.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply! :)
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    jayrudq - I completely see where you are coming from and at the risk of sounding like a 'blind' woman in love, I would normally be feeling the same way about it! But, his situation is such that he is raising the two kids alone, is very socially shy and doesn't really speak to any other adults apart from me and his mom! So, the chance he has met someone else, is realistically slim...not because of him as a person (not at all!!) but because of his actual situation in life.

    But, I really appreciate the positive words and you are right! I need to do what I need to do for ME and no one else...if he likes it, great, if not, then hopefully I can deal with being friends and eventually I'll find someone to spend my life with - but it's not a priority at this point! :)

    Thank you!
  • JTutz
    JTutz Posts: 69 Member
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    Not buying it. Especially since he too had been where you are now (weight/healthwise), I think he would be more empathetic. So what is his point? If you slim down to what he feels is a healthy weight, he will be capable of loving you? And what if you should gain some of it back? Deal breaker? I'm sorry, but I don't believe he is being 100% honest with you and that, in my opinion, is the real deal breaker. You can do better.
  • froeschli
    froeschli Posts: 1,292 Member
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    ...oooooh German guys aren't the most open with their feelings. True to an extent, but he's got a big heart and we have grown really close emotionally, so I guess he's an exception (sort of! lol)
    Maybe I should clarify what I meant: they will talk, if what they have to say matters, or the person they are speaking to, preferably both. But yes there are always exceptions (mostly younger generation). Anyhow, my point was, if you didn't mean something to him, he wouldn't be so open with you.
    My husband's Canadian, and we talked for a year online before we got together, frankly, looking back, I so didn't have my stuff together, and I am surprised we made it. If there had been children involved, they would have had to be his priority.
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    leed12345 - :-) Interesting! And also that thought had gone through my mind! Given the situation he had with the mother of his children, commitment could be an issue. AND he had often said that he would feel terrible if I ended up in Germany, having learned the language, etc. and it ended up not working.

    The funny this is that's how I ended up in London! I met my husband and moved 3000 miles away from my family in Philadelphia to be with him. Although it was the worst situation I could ever have imagined (or actually, could never have imagined!) I have grown so much for it and have become more independent and worked my way up to a pretty good career to get through it all! So, before you say it, yes, there is a slight bit of a pattern here ;-) I'm aware of it and am working on it, but in this case, it may be more of a coincidence.

    Having been through that abuse, I'm at a point where the world is mine, and I can do what I want with it. There are no real strings tying me to anywhere or anything, so my eyes are open to whatever possibilities may arise - and this was a pretty damn sweet one! Unfortunately, it hasn't turned out that way (or not right now, anyway).

    You are so right about erosion of personality after abuse. I didn't realise just how badly it had affected me until I left. While I was there, I was a robot and lost any sense of self completely. And the problem was I was so young when I got into the relationship, I realised when I left that I was 21 again because I had pretty much stopped being my own person at that point and didn't know how to feel any different than an abused wife. It's such a huge learning process - painful but enlightening at the same time. I'm sorry you had to go through it too but so so happy to hear things have worked out for you along the way! It gives me great hope!

    You also hit the nail on the head with your comment about his fear of backsliding and that is why although it hurts, I understand his words. He is terrified of ever being in 'that place' ever again and from what he has seen of my lifestyle the last year, I wouldn't have blamed him for fearing I'd pull him back into it!

    You can speak like an expert to me anytime you want! :-) You have been through it and I take inspiration from it and think you are an amazingly strong woman too! Thank you so much for sharing...it has helped me!!
  • LitaRose77
    LitaRose77 Posts: 124 Member
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    You know what, don't you dare let his rejection set you back. Continue making the right choices both in food & exercise because it is something you want to do for you. YOU want to be healthier, that is all that matters. If he wants to be vain & think it is all about him, fine, whatever. You are on this journey for you. You will meet every sort of person on this trip, some will be supportive, some will be saboteurs who are jealous of how well you are doing. Keep in mind, that you health & happiness trumps all & anyone who can't get on board with it can stand on the platform & wave goodbye as you pull out of that station on your way to the next!
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    DebbieLyn63 - Wow! Your words have brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for putting all the thought and effort into replying that you have...it means so much to me!

    Thank you also for spelling out the possibilities of what might be going on in his head as I have considered all of these to be true at one time or another over the past week or so. And probably, there are aspects from each possibility that combine to make the truth of what's happening. I think it was a dilemma for him for the past 6 months and he seemed completely torn when he finally said the words, and has been distraught over the whole thing since then. That is why I don't think it is as simple as 'I don't like you because you are fat'

    Either way, what is in his head is his right and there is nothing wrong with it. He needs to do what he needs to do and I what I need to do.

    I do fear what you suggest about the 'Knight in Shining Armor' theory - particularly as it is how I've felt for the last year and I was not the one who ended it, so inevitably, I'm still kind of in that place emotionally. Also, what happens if/when he finds someone else, can I still be the best friend at that point? Who knows...and as you say, I won't be the same person next year as I am now and I have certainly come a million miles from the person I was last year and the year before. So, it may not matter then!

    I am in therapy and dealing with the 'stains' the marriage and abuse have left, but also with the weight and confidence issues that existed far before I even met my husband. So, hopefully I can keep on the track of realising who I am now and what I want and just trying to better myself as much as possible.

    You are right - I need to define clearly what my dream is and go for it completely and honestly!

    Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind and honest words!
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    JTutz - Thanks for being honest with me...trust me, all of those thoughts have been flying through my head lately too. But there is more to him than that. I have been with men in the past who I could easily imagine would fit into the category you are speaking of, but I just don't believe deep down he is one of them. But, of course it is a possibility! That is why it's important that I don't use him as the reason to change anything about myself.

    What if no matter how much I lose it isn't enough? What if even after I've got to where I feel good about myself, I'm still not good enough in his eyes? Then it was all for nothing? I can't think that way because that would be living and changing for him...not a healthy way to go about this.

    Maybe time will tell and a different 'reason' will show itself, but for now, all I have to go on is what he's told me, and I have to live with that.

    I appreciate your honesty!! :)
  • MyJourney1960
    MyJourney1960 Posts: 1,133 Member
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    leed12345 - :-) Interesting! And also that thought had gone through my mind! Given the situation he had with the mother of his children, commitment could be an issue. AND he had often said that he would feel terrible if I ended up in Germany, having learned the language, etc. and it ended up not working.

    The funny this is that's how I ended up in London! I met my husband and moved 3000 miles away from my family in Philadelphia to be with him. Although it was the worst situation I could ever have imagined (or actually, could never have imagined!) I have grown so much for it and have become more independent and worked my way up to a pretty good career to get through it all! So, before you say it, yes, there is a slight bit of a pattern here ;-) I'm aware of it and am working on it, but in this case, it may be more of a coincidence.

    Having been through that abuse, I'm at a point where the world is mine, and I can do what I want with it. There are no real strings tying me to anywhere or anything, so my eyes are open to whatever possibilities may arise - and this was a pretty damn sweet one! Unfortunately, it hasn't turned out that way (or not right now, anyway).

    You are so right about erosion of personality after abuse. I didn't realise just how badly it had affected me until I left. While I was there, I was a robot and lost any sense of self completely. And the problem was I was so young when I got into the relationship, I realised when I left that I was 21 again because I had pretty much stopped being my own person at that point and didn't know how to feel any different than an abused wife. It's such a huge learning process - painful but enlightening at the same time. I'm sorry you had to go through it too but so so happy to hear things have worked out for you along the way! It gives me great hope!

    You also hit the nail on the head with your comment about his fear of backsliding and that is why although it hurts, I understand his words. He is terrified of ever being in 'that place' ever again and from what he has seen of my lifestyle the last year, I wouldn't have blamed him for fearing I'd pull him back into it!

    You can speak like an expert to me anytime you want! :-) You have been through it and I take inspiration from it and think you are an amazingly strong woman too! Thank you so much for sharing...it has helped me!!
    so, you've done this before and wanted to do this again? while it may have worked out for you "in the end", do you really want to put yourself through a bad /abusive relationship?

    who knows why he said what he said. I know i'll probably get reamed for saying this but I really don't believe that LT online relationships can work (I mean where the bulk of your relationship is online and you never/rarely meet). yes, i know, y'all have a friend/cousin/sister who met her husband online and they fell madly in love and lived happily ever after. and i don't think there is anything wrong with "meeting" (initially) online but once you've met, and established a "liking", it should move onto the next stage (spending time together in person). as you already know, there is a huge difference between one's persona online and in real life.

    all i can say to you is phooey on him, he isn't interested in you coming there and frankly it's probably for the best. focus on yourself right now - don't let this get you down. you are a beautiful and strong woman, and you will continue to do this for YOU.
  • LisaWho32
    LisaWho32 Posts: 25 Member
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    Maybe I should clarify what I meant: they will talk, if what they have to say matters, or the person they are speaking to, preferably both. But yes there are always exceptions (mostly younger generation). Anyhow, my point was, if you didn't mean something to him, he wouldn't be so open with you.
    My husband's Canadian, and we talked for a year online before we got together, frankly, looking back, I so didn't have my stuff together, and I am surprised we made it. If there had been children involved, they would have had to be his priority.

    Oh gosh! I hope I didn't sound too generalising in what I said! :embarassed:

    Hindsight is a funny thing, isn't it? I was totally in that place you were when I moved to London! I was just out of university and was completely fascinated with England all of my life and it was like, my life's dream was right in front of my face, so I grabbed at it. Despite what happened, I still don't regret it though - it is a lesson learned and I've become a better person for it.

    It's really exciting to hear that things have worked out for you! :) When something or someone is truly worth it, sometimes working for it together makes all the difference! :)

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