Being 'the best friend' aka 'turns out I am superficial'

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Replies

  • Caged_Heat
    Caged_Heat Posts: 1,031 Member
    I'm not sure if I would continue contact, it's like he'd get to have you as his emotional safety net but without the commitment of being in a relationship. I'd just focus on you at this point, and figure out what you need to do to get yourself into a better place (emotionally, physically, etc), and then do it. Don't do this limbo land where he may or may not give you a chance once you've lost weight...life's too short and there are emotionally and physically available men out there for you to meet.
    I agree with this. Cut back on your involvement with him and focus on getting fit. Sitting in front of the computer can't help you lose weight or get fit. And obviously will keep you emotionally bound. Set your interim goals and achieve them. You'll be amazed at how much better you will feel. And look for a local, real life relationship. Long distance, online relationships require way too much time and effort for you right now. IMO, anyway. Good luck!
  • thesupremeforce
    thesupremeforce Posts: 1,208 Member
    I'm not sure if I would continue contact, it's like he'd get to have you as his emotional safety net but without the commitment of being in a relationship. I'd just focus on you at this point, and figure out what you need to do to get yourself into a better place (emotionally, physically, etc), and then do it. Don't do this limbo land where he may or may not give you a chance once you've lost weight...life's too short and there are emotionally and physically available men out there for you to meet.

    Agreed. I'm not going to come right out and tell you to stop talking to him, but be careful with the whole "emotional safety net" thing. It kind of seems to me that he was also in a bad place, rode you for the benefits of feeling better about himself, and now that he feels up to it, he wants to explore other options. It's not so much that he "suddenly became superficial" so much as it's that he latched onto someone while he needed it and now that he's ready ready to spread his wings again, that's exactly what he's going to do.

    Do what you need to do for you. You can't get tied up in trying to please other people.
  • Bettyeditor
    Bettyeditor Posts: 327 Member
    My husband married me at my highest weight ever. And I married him when he was unemployed. But you see, we know who each other is inside, we know our potential, we know what kind of people we are, and we trust each other. Two and a half years after our wedding, I have now lost 80 lbs and I'm still losing and he has a good job in his field again. We are partners in life through the ups and the downs. Think about the words in the marriage vows: "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." My husband and I consider each other to be family and we would no more abandon each other through the ups and downs of life than we try to "divorce" our family.

    If he is superficial now, he will be superficial for the rest of your lives. What happens if you lose the weight and you are healthy your whole life but you get disfigured in an accident? What happens if you get a debilitating disease?

    Please realize that online relationships create a FALSE INTIMACY. Online, you can present one side of yourself and maintain that facade because there is no day-to-day-real-life to shatter it. That intimacy can be very addicting. You were vulnerable after your divorce, your devotion to him is very addicting to him I'm sure, and the attention from him is very addicting to you too. But realize that it bears little if any resemblance to what it would be like to live together.

    What usually happens in these cases is that when things progress to talk of connecting in real life, the reluctant party will play along to keep the fantasy going, but will find roadblocks.

    Have you ever read that book "He's Just Not That Into You"? If a man truly loves a woman, he is not "superficial" and he doesn't "have a problem committing" -- he will move mountains to get the girl he desires. If a man is into you, the shy man will find courage and the "commitment-phobic" will find a ring. That's how human nature works.

    The best way to recover from this online romance is to get out their socially in real life. You are doing the right thing by focusing on your health. Your relationship with this man helped you while you were recovering from your previous relationship, but it won't help you in this new phase of your life. You are young and beautiful: you deserve someone who is not superficial!
  • Otterluv
    Otterluv Posts: 9,084 Member
    It sounds like he not only lost a lot of weight, but also completely changed his life into one that is now filled with a lot of physical activity. While I still have a lot of weight to lose, I've done the same major turn around. I cannot tell you the difference that it's made in my life. It's not been about being a certain size, it's being able to live life to the fullest and doing the activities that bring me more joy than I thought possible (hiking, rafting, even just the day to day stuff). When you go through that kind of transformation, physical abilities are not something that you take for granted. You have to hold onto them and keep pushing for more. I can get his fear that your lifestyles may not fit. He may also be very nervous that if you were to move in together, he would end up not doing the activities that are making him fit and he may be afraid that he would eventually slide back to his old lifestyle, which would negatively impact both him and his children.

    What I am glad for, and what shows character on his part, is that he told you before you uprooted your life and moved there. That would have been horrendously traumatic for both of you, as well as for his children.

    I'm sorry this happened to you, I know that it must have been very painful.
  • Alex_is_Hawks
    Alex_is_Hawks Posts: 3,500 Member
    maybe I am a *****...no scratch that I know I am....

    but why not turn the tables on him...and say..."

    i'm sorry...but i'm an elitist...I have tried for the past 6 months to get beyond that, no truly I have, but I'm an elitist...

    you see...I can't be with someone that is so superficial...and honestly believes that I'm living a better life just for them....thank you for showing me that life with you would be a constant litany of

    oh you must be doing that for me

    oh you must have changed the lightbulb for me, no matter that you need light to work...

    oh you cleaned the house for me...no matter that you need a clean house to live..

    oh you put gas in the car for me...no matter that you need to get around also..."

    he doesn't have to live with your knees, your weight, your breathing, your sleeping, your finding life more difficult with every excess pound that you have....

    for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...

    see where that takes him....

    cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
    I'm sorry this happened to you, but I do think you deserve someone better. I gained 60 pounds during the first 4 years of my relationship and it was never an issue between us, he never said anything negative to me about it and when I decided to change he was nothing but supportive the whole way through. You deserve that too, and I don't think it's fair for him to ask you to still be his "best friend" after you've fallen in love and developed feelings. He's being selfish by asking you to ignore how you feel because he still wants you as a friend. And he's being self-centered by assuming that the changes you are making in your life to improve yourself are for him. He might be an otherwise good guy, but you deserve a lot more and you don't owe him your friendship because he's "too superficial" to be in a romantic relationship with you. Maybe he can't help how he feels, but like I said, you deserve more than that!

    Good luck, I'm sure this isn't easy for you :flowerforyou:
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,674 Member
    maybe I am a *****...no scratch that I know I am....

    but why not turn the tables on him...and say..."

    i'm sorry...but i'm an elitist...I have tried for the past 6 months to get beyond that, no truly I have, but I'm an elitist...

    you see...I can't be with someone that is so superficial...and honestly believes that I'm living a better life just for them....thank you for showing me that life with you would be a constant litany of

    oh you must be doing that for me

    oh you must have changed the lightbulb for me, no matter that you need light to work...

    oh you cleaned the house for me...no matter that you need a clean house to live..

    oh you put gas in the car for me...no matter that you need to get around also..."

    he doesn't have to live with your knees, your weight, your breathing, your sleeping, your finding life more difficult with every excess pound that you have....

    for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...

    see where that takes him....

    cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.

    I can't say that I disagree with this.
  • Caged_Heat
    Caged_Heat Posts: 1,031 Member
    maybe I am a *****...no scratch that I know I am....

    but why not turn the tables on him...and say..."

    i'm sorry...but i'm an elitist...I have tried for the past 6 months to get beyond that, no truly I have, but I'm an elitist...

    you see...I can't be with someone that is so superficial...and honestly believes that I'm living a better life just for them....thank you for showing me that life with you would be a constant litany of

    oh you must be doing that for me

    oh you must have changed the lightbulb for me, no matter that you need light to work...

    oh you cleaned the house for me...no matter that you need a clean house to live..

    oh you put gas in the car for me...no matter that you need to get around also..."

    he doesn't have to live with your knees, your weight, your breathing, your sleeping, your finding life more difficult with every excess pound that you have....

    for him to think you are doing it for him is egotistical....and you should thank him for showing you that aspect of his personality...

    see where that takes him....

    cause you know...god forbid we do it for ourselves.
    Awesome post Alex and great transformation yourself!
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    You are correct, he is being reasonable. He is not attracted to you. You want to change, do it for you. Let the chips fall with him where they may. I know I have worked very hard to get in better shape. I only lost about 25 lbs to get here, but still. I look a lot better. And if I decide to date, it will be someone of a similar fitness level. Because that is what I find attractive.

    But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,671 Member
    I respectfully offer the suggestion that you take you and your classy self out of this awful situation. You deserve much better, and with the kind of poise that you're showing, I have no doubt that you will find it.
  • SuperSexyDork
    SuperSexyDork Posts: 1,674 Member
    You are correct, he is being reasonable. He is not attracted to you. You want to change, do it for you. Let the chips fall with him where they may. I know I have worked very hard to get in better shape. I only lost about 25 lbs to get here, but still. I look a lot better. And if I decide to date, it will be someone of a similar fitness level. Because that is what I find attractive.

    But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.

    Alex_is_Hawks's point and the point that I agree with most is that he isn't just "superficial" but extremely egotistical. She's doing something that she obviously feels that she needs to do and he is trying to take the credit for it.

    That's a huge personality flaw and she should be glad to see it before she's turned her life upside down and moved in with him.
  • Trueray
    Trueray Posts: 1,189 Member
    Bump so I can read it later when I get home.
  • britttttx3
    britttttx3 Posts: 458
    I think that's a pretty tool thing to say, screw that, if your working hard to reach your goal, that shouldnt matter, and when you're at your goal weight, looking fabulous, I'm sure he'll regret acting like a tool.
  • becka63
    becka63 Posts: 712 Member
    Not buying it. Especially since he too had been where you are now (weight/healthwise), I think he would be more empathetic. So what is his point? If you slim down to what he feels is a healthy weight, he will be capable of loving you? And what if you should gain some of it back? Deal breaker? I'm sorry, but I don't believe he is being 100% honest with you and that, in my opinion, is the real deal breaker. You can do better.

    Not read the rest of the comments, but thought I would choose this one to say 'there are no non-smokers like ex-smokers'. Just because he's 'been there' doesn't unfortunately follow that his cup of empathy will be overflowing!
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    Alex_is_Hawks's point and the point that I agree with most is that he isn't just "superficial" but extremely egotistical. She's doing something that she obviously feels that she needs to do and he is trying to take the credit for it.

    That's a huge personality flaw and she should be glad to see it before she's turned her life upside down and moved in with him.

    Which is completely irrelevant to my post. There have also been several people blasting this guy for being superficial. Which is stupid. They need to understand that not everyone is going to find them attractive, and that being attracted to someone does matter in a relationship.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,062 Member
    Funny how the majority of people who consider him a jerk are women.

    I think he did the honorable thing.
  • SmartAlec03211988
    SmartAlec03211988 Posts: 1,918 Member
    He's a *kitten*, plain and simple.
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
    Funny how the majority of people who consider him a jerk are women.

    I think he did the honorable thing.

    If I were a betting man, I would bet that the majority of the people that consider him a jerk do so because of their own insecurities about someone not finding them attractive due to their weight.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,671 Member


    But I really don't get the attitude I am seeing from a lot of women in the thread. ANY reason for not wanting to be with someone is a valid reason. A person has every right to want what they want in a mate for whatever they reason they want it. He wants to be with someone thinner. That is his choice, and he has every right to want that. Kind of funny that people say that makes him a jerk. It is a pretty crappy attitude that people would think that anyone should want to be with a woman no matter her weight or size. Many people don't find large women attractive. Get over it.

    Anyone who isn't a clod can break up without giving hurtful reasons. All you have to say is "I want out of this relationship." His social ineptitude alone is a good reason not to be with him.

    P.S. I'm a skinny chick.
  • Cutting4life
    Cutting4life Posts: 505 Member
    He's a *kitten*, plain and simple.

    He's a *kitten* cuz he has preference and is looking out for the best for his kids? Good luck with ur judgemental goals of 2013.