Boyfriends and strip clubs

JGT2004
JGT2004 Posts: 231 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok so all I am looking for here is a little advice and to use this as a sounding board for an issue that has come up in my relationship. Please read the whole thing before responding as I will trying to provide all relevant info.

I have dated my bf for nearly a year (end of August). He is 32 and I am 27. I have a 7 year old son with no "father" in the picture. I am pretty sure my current bf is THE ONE, I am just waiting for him to propose. We have only had 1 big disagreement as he is extremely patient and we usually talk things out.

The issue: In the last year he has never mentioned or discussed going to a strip club although I know he goes to breastraunts several times a week usually with co-workers. I do not mind breastraunts but do think he and his friends go an excessive amount. I would prefer for him to limit it to once a week (his hockey team goes to Big Racks after games every Thursday) rather than going to Hooters, Bikinis, and such 3-5 times a week.

He has been the best and most considerate boyfriend this whole time. We talk about everything and are open and honest with one another. Yesterday he got off work really early (11:30am) and I had plans to cook him a nice dinner before he went to his house (20-30 minutes away). I checked with him and he said he and the guys were having drinks and he would head home when I left work. I rushed home to get supper started so he wouldnt have to drive home so late. He ended up leaving an hour after he originally said he would be leaving and showed up extremely drunk.

My issues are:
1. Him driving that drunk. He could have killed himself or someone else. He wasn't responding to calls or texts during the hour difference from his 1st "I'm leaving now" text to the second one at 6pm so I was worried sick he got arrested or in an accident.

2. When he got home I asked him where they hung out just casually as part of the normal how was your day talk. He said Hooters for lunch then to a sports bar. He ate supper and passed out a little while (I wasn't going to let him drive to his house at all). When he woke up he was some what sober and my 1st question was "what strip club did y'all go to?" as a joke, not thinking he would really blurt out a name! He immediately looked ashamed and I asked if he planned to tell me and he said "no probably not." As far as I thought, we have always been honest with each other but now I am questioning whatelse has he "just not told me" and has he always been honest when I ask or only if it is a direct question?

3. I understand men go to strip clubs. If they didn't they wouldn't exist. This is the first time we have come across the issue of him wanting or going to one. I would understand him wanting to go if it was for a bachelor party but to just go on a random Tuesday because you got out of work early.... It makes me worry. How often has he gone and just not told me?

At first I thought I was over thinking this but A) he knows I don't like breastraunts so I am not sure why he would think I would approve of a full out strip club and B) can I really trust him. If he tells me the truth for direct questions then I have to worry about what he isn't telling me or what I am not asking and I flat out don't want to be a controlling nag. I feel like I provide enough for him at home in all departments that he should not need to frequent those kind of establishments. He also knows I have issues with cheating and men who treat their SOs like a doormat.

The plan forward: right now I have told him I need to take some time to sort my thoughts. If he wants to continue going to those kind of places that is his choice but my choice is whether or not I want to be with someone who does. I have canceled our dinner plans for the rest of the week and our double date for Saturday night. I don't plan on seeing or talking to him for a few days so we can both sort our thoughts. I am thinking about writing all of mine out in a letter and giving it to him. That way I can lay them out without the confusing that comes when we have a discussion and go back and forth. I am trying to handle this in a mature and thoughtful way rather than just being a B and saying "YOU ARE FORBIDDEN." Right now I feel very hurt and disappointed and like the trust we have built for the last year has been shaken. Am I over-reacting? Is a letter too childish? I keep going around and around in my head so thoughts would be appreciated. I haven't talked to my friends because I know they are biased and don't want to "bad mouth" him to them.
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Replies

  • BigDaddyRonnie
    BigDaddyRonnie Posts: 506 Member
    Sounds to me he just likes to hang with his buds just as much as he does with you. Obviously there is a line between the two where those two worlds are not mixing. I would focus on that...bringing those worlds together rather than going down the forbidden route.
  • jaycbadass
    jaycbadass Posts: 325
    I say twin peaks and redneck heaven is a fine medium that you can both attend
  • JGT2004
    JGT2004 Posts: 231 Member
    We do spend a lot of time together so I am always encouraging him to hang out more with his friends. And we do hang out with his couple friends every now and then.

    I am not sure Redneck Heaven is a happy medium and a city near me just had to re-define nudity to prevent the waitresses from ONLY wearing body paint.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    I think he should break up with you.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    You are going to get a LOT of varying responses to this.

    I personally agree with you. I have been with my husband for 23 years and almost called off our wedding because an hour before the batchelor party that he told me he didn't want to go to and didn't want thrown for him, he told me he was going. I had already been told that the stripper they had hired would do lots of things beyond stripping, which is why the guys hired her in the first place.

    I handed him the engagement ring and told him to have fun.

    No, I didn't trust him at the time and then for him to lie to me about not wanting or planning on going and then dropping it on me at the last minute hoping to slip it past me was the last straw (there were a lot of other things that had happened prior to this).

    He didn't go and I still married him and we are happier now, after 21+ years of marriage than we have ever been. But part of that has been his effort towards being more honest with me and putting me before anyone else in his life. And no, I still don't want him to ever go to a strip club.
  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
    It's just a strip club... chill out about it. He probably would have told you if you weren't so crazy about it.
  • sheenarama
    sheenarama Posts: 733 Member
    Yes, I would like both. Was that the question?
  • Sekxy49
    Sekxy49 Posts: 104 Member
    Sounds to me he just likes to hang with his buds just as much as he does with you. Obviously there is a line between the two where those two worlds are not mixing. I would focus on that...bringing those worlds together rather than going down the forbidden route.

    ^^^ THIS!! Back when I was dating my now husband of nearly 19 years, he would attend these "breastraunts" as you call them. Even after we were married, he'd go. I never worried nor thought he would cheat on me while there. Me personally, I always go with my gut instinct -- never been wrong about that for anything in my life. Don't create a problem that isn't there, unless he's displayed otherwise. I even purchased a subscription to Playboy for my man (his buddies thought I was the best wife ever)....on his own after comparing his age to those in the magazine, he was no longer comfortable. Good luck!!
  • PapaverSomniferum
    PapaverSomniferum Posts: 2,670 Member
    If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

    You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.
  • sadiebrawl
    sadiebrawl Posts: 863 Member
    I am not so sure he is the one for you. He sounds like he still wants to be 21 and not settle down, but you want a quiet family.
  • jamiem1102
    jamiem1102 Posts: 1,196 Member
    Personally, I don't see an issue with strip clubs, but, I do see an issue with him not telling you about it... and his intention to never tell you about it. That's a communication/trust problem. Although, from the information you provided, I can only assume he didn't tell you about it, because he knew you'd disapprove (still not an excuse for not telling you).

    While I'm sure you "provide enough for him in all departments," sometimes people just want to see something a little different. If that's the case, no matter how much you "provide," it isn't going to change the issue.

    As for the letter, well, I guess it would depend on how you two communicate. If it were me, it would be agony waiting for a response. So while a letter may be more thorough, it may not be as effective as him hearing your voice and talking to you, etc.

    Good luck!
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Who cares if you dont like him going to breastaurants and strip clubs? You are his girlfriend, not his keeper.
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    While he shouldn't have driven drunk, I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this. He knows you don't like restaurants, so why would he tell you he was going to a strip club? He knew you'd be mad, but can you imagine how much *kitten* his friends would have given him if he would have said he couldn't go because his girlfriend wouldn't like it? I'd say you should probably just get over it.
  • jaycbadass
    jaycbadass Posts: 325
    We do spend a lot of time together so I am always encouraging him to hang out more with his friends. And we do hang out with his couple friends every now and then.

    I am not sure Redneck Heaven is a happy medium and a city near me just had to re-define nudity to prevent the waitresses from ONLY wearing body paint.
    City should no longer be recognized as a city. IMO
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    While he shouldn't have driven drunk, I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this. He knows you don't like restaurants, so why would he tell you he was going to a strip club? He knew you'd be mad, but can you imagine how much *kitten* his friends would have given him if he would have said he couldn't go because his girlfriend wouldn't like it? I'd say you should probably just get over it.

    Yup, instead of trying to castrate him.
  • jaycbadass
    jaycbadass Posts: 325
    If you are knowingly dating the kind of man who goes to that kind of place, then you made that choice, you have to live with it. You can't stop him from being the kind of man he is. You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

    You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.
    This ^^ or hes really not that into you as much as youd like
  • JGT2004
    JGT2004 Posts: 231 Member
    Breastraunts 3-5 times a week is excessive. Even if it weren't breastraunts, going out drinking 3-5 times a week is excessive. Unfortunately if he's doing it so often, I think it's something that he's not likely to change. It's very disrespectful to go to a strip club knowing you don't appreciate it (and I think a lot of guys truly don't understand why it's an issue). I guess my question would be, has he done this ever since you've known him, or is this a recent thing (going out all the time)? I think a letter might be good, cause you can be very clear about what you're trying to say.

    You either accept that having a man who comes home drunk from strip clubs is going to be your way of life for good, or you date someone whose lifestyle is more comfortable to you.
    I am not so sure he is the one for you. He sounds like he still wants to be 21 and not settle down, but you want a quiet family.

    He usually goes with the guys at work and has since I have known him. Even though it bothered me I won't tell him flat out not to go. He works in a male-dominate field so I do understand that thats typically "their thing." This is the first time he has gone to a strip club that I know of and I am not sure I want to accept it. He said they only do it 1-2 times a year but handn't gone since last July (before we started dating). Even 1-2 times I am not sure I want to live with.

    Also he has made every indication he is ready to settle down, including bonding with my son (who I wouldn't let him meet until I was sure he was marriage material and who has NEVER met any of my old boyfriends). We also spend a ton of time with his family and mine so I don't think it is a growing up issue. Although it may be a last minute "this is the end of my single life" reaction. Maybe?
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    Print this out and give it to him. Or read it to him. Whatever.

    These are all things you should be saying to HIM.
  • jamiem1102
    jamiem1102 Posts: 1,196 Member
    While he shouldn't have driven drunk, I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this. He knows you don't like restaurants, so why would he tell you he was going to a strip club? He knew you'd be mad, but can you imagine how much *kitten* his friends would have given him if he would have said he couldn't go because his girlfriend wouldn't like it? I'd say you should probably just get over it.

    While I agree with you that she's making a bigger deal out of this than necessary, If he's going to strip clubs because he can't stand up to his friends, their relationship is in serious trouble.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
    You don't date one kind of person and expect him to be a different kind of person.

    God yes. Yes. YES.
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
    the alternative is that he tells you, and then you post on the message board about how he knows you don't like the restaurants he goes to and then he upped it further by going to a strip club even though he knew you would hate it.

    ETA: this is a point of contention that absolutely needs addressed and resolved, otherwise someone is going to end up resenting the other, or even both. So writing the letter is a perfectly legitimate way to go. But don't expect him to change. If he wants to change, he will. But you can't demand it. If you want to change anything, then you can certainly change how you feel about these eye candy places that mean very little beyond that. if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat regardless if it is with a stripper or a neighbor.
  • Nightterror218
    Nightterror218 Posts: 375 Member
    He sounds like a college student. If he wants to drink 3-5 days a week you need to figure out if that is the life style you want because that is his. As for going to the strip clubs, that is between you and him, if he is doing it to hang out with friends that is one thing, lying to you about going is another.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
    The biggest issue here is that he drives drunk. He could have killed someone!
  • pwittek10
    pwittek10 Posts: 723 Member
    I do not believe you should ever demand
    me or the else
    Everyone has the right to choose,
    I do think you should tell him how it hurt you
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
    i bet he's much more concerned with just hanging out with his buddies than with having rando boobs shaken in his face. maybe 'the guys' could hang out at a different kind of establishment, but obviously that's what they like, and your bf is one of the pack. i wouldn't worry about him being around mostly or completely nekkid women as much as i would worry about him driving drunk.
  • jess7386
    jess7386 Posts: 477 Member
    I'd be most upset that my BF had been irresponsible enough to drive home drunk, not only risking his own life but the life of every other person on the road.

    In terms of "breastraunts" (a new word I learned today) & strip clubs, you need to ask yourself how much a nag you're being, and be honest with yourself. While I don't think it's a big deal to go to either (regardless of your sex, as I've been to both on multiple occasions), 5x a week may be excessive. Is it possible he's frequenting these types of places because you essentially nag him so much he feels like he's forbidden to go? If so, this might be caused by you trying to be too controlling, especially given the age difference.

    I agree with the poster who said you need to reevaulate your own feelings, as you decided to be with someone who knowingly frequents these types of places. I also think you need to be honest about yourself about where you want the relationship to go and where his priorities are.

    I think mostly you need to evaluate your own behavior & determine one of three options: (a) you're being psycho, (b) he is childish/irreponsible/creepy, or (c) your priorities don't match up right now.

    PS - I think writing a letter is WAY childish. You should be able to express your feelings in words, and he should be given a chance to respond to them. Arguments should be like relationships - give and take.
  • escloflowneCHANGED
    escloflowneCHANGED Posts: 3,038 Member
    You are going to get a LOT of varying responses to this.

    I personally agree with you. I have been with my husband for 23 years and almost called off our wedding because an hour before the batchelor party that he told me he didn't want to go to and didn't want thrown for him, he told me he was going. I had already been told that the stripper they had hired would do lots of things beyond stripping, which is why the guys hired her in the first place.

    I handed him the engagement ring and told him to have fun.

    No, I didn't trust him at the time and then for him to lie to me about not wanting or planning on going and then dropping it on me at the last minute hoping to slip it past me was the last straw (there were a lot of other things that had happened prior to this).

    He didn't go and I still married him and we are happier now, after 21+ years of marriage than we have ever been. But part of that has been his effort towards being more honest with me and putting me before anyone else in his life. And no, I still don't want him to ever go to a strip club.


    And on that day....I would have called off a wedding lol
  • mgreen10
    mgreen10 Posts: 229 Member
    When a man visits strip clubs that often, the problem becomes not the actual strip club, but the question of why is he lacking other things in his life (hobbies, interests) so much that he has so much money and time to spend looking at naked women while his woman sits home - dejected, confused, hurt.

    Think about the thought that goes through his head when he recognizes your pain, yet ignores it for the sake of a good time and nothing to do with his boredom. Also think of the example he sets for your kid with that and with the drunk driving. He is lucky (and other motorists on the road unlucky?) that he has not been arrested for a DUI yet.

    In my opinion he is a child, not a man and he has some growing up to do. And why anyone would want to spend time or wait for a proposal from this kind of man is unbeknownst to me. My earnest advice is to move on...as fast as possible.
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Since you want him to change, maybe you can return the favor.

    Ask him for what he'd like to change about you, once you get married. Who knows? Maybe you spend a bit much, need to lose some weight. Maybe dump your best friend, or get rid of that Magic Wand. I'm sure you don't mind, right?

    Relationships are always best when people to try to change each other into what they want!

    [Sarcasm alert. Other than the DWI, you have no business, really.]
  • _Krys10_
    _Krys10_ Posts: 1,234 Member
    Next time please give him cab fare so he doesn't kill anyone, just don't give it to him in singles.

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