Unsupportive partners?

I am struggling right now so badly. I have lost 22 lbs since April 2012. I was really determined to change my life that pretty much evolved around food. I love cooking and love food, so does my bf of 7 years... He is overweight but not too much. The main problem is he does not care for healthy food or exercising AT ALL. If I make something healthy (which I constantly do) he will eat it BUT if he ever cooks than it is always something unhealthy,fatty,bacon filled....
He refuses to go to a gym or do any kind of exercises saying that is he too tired after work, will never go work out, does not have time etc etc...

I have been doing really good on my weight loss until recently, but it is so hard to keep going when I feel like I am the only one who cares or tries ( I would work a 10 hours shift and then still drag my *kitten* to a gym class at 8.30 pm) This morning just put me over the edge, my bf drives our car to work and back, he did not get home in time for me to go grocery shopping so this morning we had nothing to pack for lunch.... He just said: oh go buy something (while making sure I fir into my $5 a day eating out budget)....he did not care that I can not possible buy anything healthy for that much, which means I am going to starve myself all day until I can get to a grocery store after work and go home to cook some food.

Any ideas on how to cope with partners who do not care/do not want to do anything about a lifestyle change? (Leaving him is not an option:)) as he is an absolutely wonderful person in all other aspects of life).

Hi! Unfortunately, you can't 'force' someone to eat healthier or to exercise. Just lead by example and hopefully he will come around. Sorry you are going through that though.

Does he know you feel he is not be supportive? Try just talking to him about it first. He may be completely oblivious and change his ways once he knows it hurts your feelings.

I'm sorry you are having this problem. I too have a similar partner.
My husband says I look great the way I am (about 70 pounds overweight!) so, while he says he supports me, he doesn't show it with many actions. He won't eat healthy with me, so I usually end up caving in and just eating whatever he wants. He definitely won't go to the gym with me, and doesn't even have a membership, although I've told him I can add him on for $10 extra a month. Sometimes I find my exercise in yard work, but he hates to be outside.

I did convince him after dinner the other night to go take our dogs on a walk with me. My words, "Well, we can lace up our tennis shoes and take the dogs out for a quick walk, or we can sit here like slobs on the couch and watch reruns of NCIS." Imagine my surprise when he disappeared upstairs and came back downstairs with his sneakers on!

I think you have to do it all in baby steps. You are the one who launched this change in your life, not him. So right now I think the best you can ask for is his support in whatever way he can offer it. This is YOUR body, your health and your journey. You can offer to include him, or just stay on the path you are on. Eventually, he may come around. If not, you will have already started some great practices on your own. I wish you the best of luck!

i know the feeling... My boyfriend with occasionally do a 30 minute work out with me but he is quick to make excuses and doesn't take it as seriously as I do. Fortunately for me I am a vegetarian so I am not tempted to eat most of the junk he does. However, I feel your pain. It's hard to be good when your bf is eating fries and you are nibbling on celery.

I can kind of relate to where you're coming from. My husband is going through an incredibly stressful time at work, so he's been filling the house with snacky junk foods for when he's home in the evening. The problem is that I lack the ability to walk past a delicious snack without forcibly telling myself that I don't want to eat it (and honestly, in a weak moment I DO want it).

That said, my husband is wonderfully supportive, but in his own way. He encouraged me to hire a babysitter a couple times a week, so that I could get out and exercise. I had so much guilt about taking the time away from my duties as a stay at home mom, but he helped me work past that. Or, he might rush home from work early so that I can get to a class on time. So, while he's not supporting me by adopting my lifestyle changes, he's supporting me in the best way that he knows how.... maybe your partner is doing similar, but you haven't really noticed? Sometimes we place expectations on our loved ones, leading to disappointment (and even resentment) when they aren't met.

Maybe it's time to sit down and have an open dialogue about where you both stand.

Good luck!

In the long term, he sounds like an unsupportive *kitten*. How much would it kill him to help you out? I wouldn't blame anyone who didn't want to be with me when I am too lazy to try, so you shouldn't be so good to him.

I am struggling right now so badly. I have lost 22 lbs since April 2012. I was really determined to change my life that pretty much evolved around food. I love cooking and love food, so does my bf of 7 years... He is overweight but not too much. The main problem is he does not care for healthy food or exercising AT ALL. If I make something healthy (which I constantly do) he will eat it BUT if he ever cooks than it is always something unhealthy,fatty,bacon filled....
He refuses to go to a gym or do any kind of exercises saying that is he too tired after work, will never go work out, does not have time etc etc...

I have been doing really good on my weight loss until recently, but it is so hard to keep going when I feel like I am the only one who cares or tries ( I would work a 10 hours shift and then still drag my *kitten* to a gym class at 8.30 pm) This morning just put me over the edge, my bf drives our car to work and back, he did not get home in time for me to go grocery shopping so this morning we had nothing to pack for lunch.... He just said: oh go buy something (while making sure I fir into my $5 a day eating out budget)....he did not care that I can not possible buy anything healthy for that much, which means I am going to starve myself all day until I can get to a grocery store after work and go home to cook some food.

Any ideas on how to cope with partners who do not care/do not want to do anything about a lifestyle change? (Leaving him is not an option:)) as he is an absolutely wonderful person in all other aspects of life).

Hmmm, okay, my advice is below, take it or leave it, clearly this is just me going on a tiny paragraph of your life and giving my interpretation, nothing more. I’m hoping the words below help you as opposed to anger.

I think perhaps there are bigger issues here than him being unsupportive. There is the fact you feel you need, in fact almost depend on his support to do this. Although the support of a partner is a nice bonus, it’s not always going to be forthcoming, especially with someone who doesn’t hold exercising and dieting as a priority in their own life.

You have to take ownership of this for yourself. I cook most of the food in the household, mainly because I enjoy it and I can do it quicker than my husband making less mess, ha ha! I will offer him what I am cooking which is healthy, but if he doesn’t want it he then has the option to either A) Make himself something. Go out to the shops and get himself something. We are best friends and share everything in life but when it comes to my eating and my exercise they are under my control and I take ownership for it. If he brings home take-out, you could go for a walk, or go for a shower or something if you don't feel strong enough to watch him eating it without asking for some. You mentioned leaving chips in the kitchen for two whole days - simply leave the chips until they get cold, ask, "Are you going to eat these?" and if he says no, you pop them in the bin, that would take place 2 hours after he got home, not two days, you've got to take some accountability for that and feel more in control of this.

If he did not get home in time (he must have had reasons for this??) then you need to have a plan B that doesn’t rely on him. You can always eat healthy on a budget, you just have to be creative, after all it was only for one lunchtime. If there are money issues here, you need to talk to him about these separately from the dieting issue. If in fact he was doing something stupid which caused him to come home late, meaning you couldn’t get to the store because it was closed, so had no food and lacked the money to get anything decent, this is not about supporting you losing weight, this is about him being completely unaware of your needs and being selfish. So ultimately it comes down to this – did he have a good, rational reason for being late, or was he just kicking it with his buddies and forgot you would need shopping. If it’s the latter, it’s selfish and he needs spoken to about it as he clearly doesn’t understand the knock on effect of his actions especially given your restricted budget, either that or he doesn’t care which is a much bigger problem entirely.

Secondly, there are clearly communication issues here, you two need to sit down and talk about this. You need to look at it this way, if you’ve told him this is a priority for you, and he has only managed to keep that in his mind for a couple of days before forgetting how hard you’re trying, that is an issue and it is an issue that can spread beyond fitness and dieting. Is he always mindful of your other needs and goals, beyond your fitness plans? If so, why the “fitness” mind block, i.e. are their underlying issues for him? (For instance some men fear if their partner loses weight and gains confidence they might leave them for another man) I know this may not be the case at all, but it is worth thinking about, if he is usually supportive in every other regard of your lives together.

If this problem (being mindful of your needs and priorities) goes beyond fitness already, then I think you already know why he’s failing to be supportive of you in this regard and you shouldn’t be surprised. I’m not advocating leaving him, I’m just saying you’ve got to be strong within yourself and set limits on the behaviours you will learn to love and accept and the behaviours that are not acceptable and you need to put your foot down about.

In the long term, he sounds like an unsupportive *kitten*. How much would it kill him to help you out? I wouldn't blame anyone who didn't want to be with me when I am too lazy to try, so you shouldn't be so good to him.

Lol really? This is a prime example of why we have so many failed marriages and relationships. 'Just break up', right? :huh:

This.

Ejean – that sounds very similar to how my life was, with my boyfriend for 9 years, lived together for 6.5, I became a different person, he didn’t, it was best for both of us to split and to be honest I should have ended it about 2 years before I did. He didn’t even seem to realise it wasn’t working out, even though it was as if at the end we were living completely different lives. 4 years after that split I married an incredible man and haven’t looked back!

That isn't being unsupportive. He has as much right to live his life the way he sees fit just like you have the right to live yours. No one has to change for you. You are trying to lose weight and get healthy, he absolutely does not have to go along with what you are doing just because you want him too. Shame on you for thinking he has to change his life just because you have.

I now see why the divorce rate is so high.

Really? So you are supposed to remain in a relationship where you have bettered yourself and the other person hasn't? THAT is not why the divorce rate is high. There is no shame in wanting a partner who has the same passions as you do. Especially when it comes to a serious life change like this. This isn't a "you don't like the same music" sort of thing. This is exactly one of the areas of your life you should be in sync on. Your partner doesn't have to eat identical to you..not saying that, but when they can't even be bothered to be an active part of your new life then it is time to let go.

Also, keep in mind the OP said bf not husband and did not mention kids involved. So she has the perfect chance to make a decision on where her future goes. Situations are different when you are married and have children, but when those decisions have yet to be made then right now is the time to decide what type of person will make the best husband and father if that is what you are looking for. Do not tell the OP shame on her for debating critical decisions about her future well being. Do not tell her she is the reason why divorce is high. I am 25 and currently in the same boat- debating a relationship I have been in for three years. I love my bf but am I certain he can be a part of my new improved life? No. There is nothing wrong with that!!!!

My husband is kinda the oppsoite he is fit from work so he does not need to workout. I take workout time as me time and would never think to ask him to join in. I like it me and my music. Also Cooking I make a Meat for both of us and I make usually frozen veggies for me and a side for him possibly fries, rice, noodles something that he likes. That is our meals if I make him pizza I make something for myself. I know I sound like a sucker for catering to him but he works crazy hours and works his butt off all day so I figure the least I can do it make dinner. If dinner is not enough theres snacks he can eat no biggie. I think you just need to talk to him and find a healthy medium. Tell him how you feel too because even at my heaviest my man was supportive, smacking on the butt telling me I looked great. Mind you I think it is more sincer now lol.

My mom had this modification of the serenity prayer posted on her fridge.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

You're in a relationship, not a new being that's half you and half him.

I actually just can't get over the amount of people that seem to think just leaving the guy is the best way forward in this.

When this couple got together, this obviously wasn't an issue. One person in the relationship has now decided to make some drastic changes to their lifestyle, and because the other hasn't immediately followed suit, they are 'drifting apart'.

OP, don't even bother talking to him or resolving it like adults. Who does that now? Just break up.