Being the "fat one"

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mreek
mreek Posts: 10 Member
in Motivation and Support
How do you handle being the least attractive woman you're around? I've felt like this all my life. I am tired of hearing men talk about beautiful women as a category I don't belong in. I am tired of (particularly straight) women going out of their way to make sure that I know that I have a pretty face.

I can't stand the fact that now that I'm in my early 20s, I feel like my looks are just going to keep going bad. Even if I lose all of my extra weight, all of my saggy skin and my (probably once I've lost 60 lbs) empty breasts would keep me from ever being one of those beautiful girls I had always hoped I'd grow into.

I have a wonderful boyfriend and he loves me and always thinks I'm gorgeous, but it's a fact that in society women are judged by their looks first and their character second. Ugly men don't seem to be constantly reminded that they're ugly. So why the hell do fat or homely women have to constantly be reminded of how unworthy of attention we are?
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Replies

  • AmandaAnne307
    AmandaAnne307 Posts: 113 Member
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    You have to see yourself as beautiful and worthy before anyone else can. You don't get the attention because you are too busy viewing yourself as 'fat or homely'. I have been married for 11 years and my husband has always seen me as perfect they way I am (even with weight gain, weight loss and then weight gain again), I couldn't see what he was seeing. But once I started changing my own self-talk I could start to believe that I'm worth losing this weight and I'm worth the attention - sometimes that's scary because it's so different that what I'm used to.

    Just a thought...
  • nadz6012
    nadz6012 Posts: 126 Member
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    I used to feel exactly this way. I would compare myself to all other women in the room and find myself lacking. I think through the process of trying to take care of my body, I began to learn to love my whole self as well. And though I still have a good bit to lose, I no longer feel the need to compare my body to others. Just work on yourself and you can't go wrong!
  • Keffinger22
    Keffinger22 Posts: 100 Member
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    Hi,

    I am 25 and I completely understand how that feels. The biggest thing that I have learned though is what you project out is what you get back. If you walk around like your hot stuff, people will be attracted to the energy you put out. I used to walk around and tell myself how frumpy I looked and how fat I was and I am only a pretty face. My now husband (boyfriend at the time) would always give me compliments and I never accepted them because it’s kind of like when your mom compliments you, it’s the mentality of ‘’you only say that because you love me’’ or ‘’you only say that because your my boyfriend”. But then one day I just said, you know what, the people that do love me, those are the people I should be listening to. I shouldn’t base how I feel about myself based on what other people think of me, they don’t even know me. After that I try and buy clothes that fit the body I am in and not buy clothes that are too big on me to hide myself in. I even just changed my hair color and everyone loves it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying change yourself for other people, I am saying to do things that give you confidence. Whether it’s a change of clothing or change of hairstyle or even maybe trying a Karaoke night or something (something out of your comfortability zone that once it is done, makes you feel great that you accomplished that on your own). After I switched my way of thinking I feel like my co-workers respond to me in a better light and that they notice when I come in and always compliment me. I am still 5’6 and 215lbs and while I would still love to hear ‘’you have a nice body figure’’ to go along with that pretty face, I just learned that you have to accept society for what it is and that as long as you get to a place where you can accept yourself and love yourself, other people will see you as beautiful no matter what your outwardly appearance is. Sure sometimes I want to still be the girl that turns heads when I walk by but that just isn’t my reality. And that is okay, because my family and friends think I am beautiful and they are the ones that matter the most.

    I hope that helps! Feel free to add me if you would like 
  • mreek
    mreek Posts: 10 Member
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    I appreciate all of your supportive words, however, the idea that when I project confidence things will be different just hasn't worked for me. The last few years, I felt far better about my body image and much more confident, I didn't compare myself to anyone else. Then, I moved to a new place in the middle of a busy city and now people actively make comments about how disgusting my body is or how unappealing I am. Loving my body didn't make a damn bit of difference, and now I feel like I don't anymore.
  • annasor70
    annasor70 Posts: 187 Member
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    First of all, having a gorgeous face (which you do) is the number one best thing...you already ARE beautiful!!! AND you are young so you can bounce back after you have lost the weight. Listen to your BF, he loves you and sees your attractiveness. Just work on making your body a temple, treating it with grace and health and you will be beautiful all over.
    A lot of women would kill for a face like yours..and your youth. Look at all the crazy plastic surgery that people get to have a pretty nose or a line free face!
    Love who you are now and you will get the results you want.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.
  • AmandaAnne307
    AmandaAnne307 Posts: 113 Member
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    I appreciate all of your supportive words, however, the idea that when I project confidence things will be different just hasn't worked for me. The last few years, I felt far better about my body image and much more confident, I didn't compare myself to anyone else. Then, I moved to a new place in the middle of a busy city and now people actively make comments about how disgusting my body is or how unappealing I am. Loving my body didn't make a damn bit of difference, and now I feel like I don't anymore.

    Loving not just your body, but your whole self will make a difference. It will make a difference because you won't give a flying**** what other people have to say. I still have people in my life that make comments every time I see them. I take a deep breath and remember that I have control over me and they don't.
    Keep people around you, like your boyfriend, that will help you remember how amazing you are - inside and out.
  • miss_jessiejane
    miss_jessiejane Posts: 2,819 Member
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    You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.

    QFT
  • AmandaAnne307
    AmandaAnne307 Posts: 113 Member
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    You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.

    ^^ And this ^^ You really are beautiful!
  • JesterMFP
    JesterMFP Posts: 3,596 Member
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    I spent most of my life being the "fat one". Now, amongst most of the people I spend time with, I'm the "slim one". Here are my observations.

    -you're being way to hard on yourself. Your weight/size is a fact, but calling yourself the "least unattractive woman you're around" - that's just opinion, and quite a skewed one. I'm jumping to the conclusion that you don't exclusively hand out with models, but from your profile picture, you are an attractive woman. You might be overweight, but you can change that, and you are doing. You're not a hideous monster, or whatever else you might call yourself. Working on changing how you see yourself. You feel like the least attractive woman. That doesn't make it scientific fact. That's your opinion, and one you can change.

    -unless you're one of the lucky ones, self-confidence and self-esteem don't magically arrive when you lose the weight. You don't hit goal and suddenly feel gorgeous. For me, feeling better about myself has been a gradual process that still continues now. That's why it's even more important to start working on this stuff now.

    -even thin women are insecure. Even women who look gorgeous to the outside world are insecure. It's such a cliché to say that self-esteem comes from within, but it really, really does. You have the power to change how you see yourself. Some "good looking" women are not that attractive when you actually spend time with them. Some bigger women are absolutely gorgeous, and a lot of that has to do with the energy they give out, and the fact that they love themselves.

    -you say men and women are making it clear to you that you're not attractive. Are they actually saying that to your face, unambiguously? Or are you trying to read their minds? If they are saying these things to you, then you need to find different people to spend time with.

    -I have lost more than you are aiming to lose. I have loose skin. It was still worth it. I am far happier with my body now than before. I feel much more comfortable in my own (loose) skin. It's not hideous. There's some on my arms, abdomen and boobs. It's a bit annoying, along with stretch marks, but it's really not that bad. I'm proud of how my arms look, and don't feel self conscious about showing them with a little wobble. The fact is, you're not going to get to goal, wake up and look like a (photoshopped) covergirl. Most people, thin or fat, do not look like supermodels. They are unusual. I have come to terms with the fact that my skin is never going to be perfectly smooth, but you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm slim, I've got some nice muscle definition, and I look 100% better than I did before I lost the weight. And... you have less to lose than I did, and you are younger. You might not get any loose skin, and you might not lose much from your boobs. Not everyone does.

    -you have a wonderful boyfriend who thinks you're gorgeous. Believe him. I'm not saying you are, but don't let your low self esteem and insecurities drive him away. That can happen.


    Maybe I'm making this all seem easy. It's not, but it's something you can work on. You can change the way you think about yourself. Perhaps look into cognitive behavioural therapy as a way of thinking about things differently.

    Stop thinking about all the beautiful girls you're not going to grow into, and think about the beautiful you you're growing into.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    Two words that will help you the most, instill confidence, and carry you through the years...

    Self Acceptance


    Remember no one is perfect and NEVER EVER EVER compare yourself to anyone else.
  • JesterMFP
    JesterMFP Posts: 3,596 Member
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    I appreciate all of your supportive words, however, the idea that when I project confidence things will be different just hasn't worked for me. The last few years, I felt far better about my body image and much more confident, I didn't compare myself to anyone else. Then, I moved to a new place in the middle of a busy city and now people actively make comments about how disgusting my body is or how unappealing I am. Loving my body didn't make a damn bit of difference, and now I feel like I don't anymore.
    Who are all these people actively commenting on how disgusting you are?
  • lavaughan69
    lavaughan69 Posts: 459 Member
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    I know exactly how you feel and let me tell you, at 42 it doesn't get any easier. In addition to being compared to thinner woman out there you are also compared to younger thinner woman....with no stretchmarks!! lol

    There's no words of advice that I can offer you because unfortunately we live is a very judgmental society that gets it's perceptions of perfection (say that fast 10 times!) from Hollywood and photo shopped images on magazines covers. I'm working hard to lose weight and get fit and with that self esteem will hopefully improve. I'm already starting to feel better about myself and what I've accomplished. Focus your energy on your boyfriend, who sounds very supportive.

    Good luck with your weight loss journey!
  • mreek
    mreek Posts: 10 Member
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    Thank you guys, I guess I didn't want this to be a pity party for me, I had just been feeling upset the past few days about these things. I think hanging out with the somewhat shallow early-20s crowd has a lot to do with why I'm feeling more insecure and upset than I did a year ago. You've all really helped me calm down a bit.
  • cicibeanz
    cicibeanz Posts: 77 Member
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    For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same way. Even if no one is saying anything bad, no one is generally saying anything good, either...and when they do, it is often patronizing and ends up making me feel worse instead of better.

    This isn't to discount the many good points made here about confidence and self-acceptance...that is certainly the name of the game. It really isn't the whole story, though. At least not for everyone.
  • britzzie
    britzzie Posts: 341 Member
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    You must hang around some uncommonly gorgeous women if you're the ugly one.

    QFT

    Yea, really. You're freaking gorgeous!

    Are these people who are "actively making comments about how disgusting your body is" people you know or just strangers on the street?

    If they are people you know, they need to stop that *kitten* like yesterday or get out of your life. You need to talk to them.

    If they are strangers, deal with it how you like. I'd suggest calling them out right there. LOUDLY. As in, "I'M SORRY SIR. I'M NOT SURE I HEARD YOU RIGHT. DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FAT *kitten*? WELL THAT SEEMS KIND OF RUDE AND LIKE IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TELL ANYONE ELSE HERE ON THE STREET WHAT YOU THINK OF THEIR *kitten*?"
  • Laac68
    Laac68 Posts: 55
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    Out of all my family members and friends, I am the heaviest but I don't see myself as the most unattractive. Our western culture attends to equate "unattractiveness" to those who are overweight or obese. I find this especially when it comes to women. I am not sure of the men whom you've encountered what their values are, but they are entitled to their opinion. I can see from your photo that you are beautiful and you need to feel good about yourself. It took me a while to get here and each day I weigh the good and the bad and realize that regardless of what I look like on the outside, that I am truly a woman who has great potential and I am blessed that I am married to a man who realizes that as well. It's not always easy but you will find your way. I wish you well. :happy:
  • HeyGoRun
    HeyGoRun Posts: 550 Member
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    Oh my your not ugly, if you feel your gonna have saggy skin then start using firming beauty products, if your breast are a concern maybe your prize for your end goal weight could be a boob job? Dont assume the future. There are pretty woman everywhere maybe someone thinks your prettier than them!
  • BabyLovesToRun
    BabyLovesToRun Posts: 120 Member
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    You have to accept yourself for you.

    Most people, I find, don't accept me for ... me.

    I'm not one of these girls who goes out of her way to look "pretty" every day.

    Most people who know me know that I RARELY do the whole makeup/fixed hair routine. It's just not me. I have friends who spend two hours of their time every day before stepping out of the house ... I don't want to spend 2 hours getting ready just to do 30 minutes of grocery shopping. They look great ... but what's the point!

    We're not all airbrushed Photoshopped models. Women have that weight on their shoulders every day, blame current society.

    I'd much rather be natural than fake! And anyone who can't accept you for being you doesn't deserve you in the first place!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Thank you guys, I guess I didn't want this to be a pity party for me, I had just been feeling upset the past few days about these things. I think hanging out with the somewhat shallow early-20s crowd has a lot to do with why I'm feeling more insecure and upset than I did a year ago. You've all really helped me calm down a bit.

    I'm generally not one to shout "Jealousy!" but if these nasty comments are coming from women, that would be my guess.

    You have one of those cute, sweet, innocent faces that men seem to like a lot and some women (NOT ALL!!!) can be catty and competitive. They may perceive you as a threat.

    I think you need to try to make different friends who don't have their own self-confidence issues. Honestly, the only reason to say negative things about someone else's appearance is to make yourself feel better.

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