Unsupportive partners?

I actually just can't get over the amount of people that seem to think just leaving the guy is the best way forward in this.

When this couple got together, this obviously wasn't an issue. One person in the relationship has now decided to make some drastic changes to their lifestyle, and because the other hasn't immediately followed suit, they are 'drifting apart'.

OP, don't even bother talking to him or resolving it like adults. Who does that now? Just break up.

For me I think the issue is 'They could drift apart' She has different goals in life to him now, It was clear they both have just enjoyed eating whatever whenever and now that's changed for her. It don't mean it needs to change for him but I could see her losing all this weight, being bored with her unsupportive partner and then off looking for something else that she's not getting at home.

I defo agree she needs to talk to him. If her partner is lacking in energy levels then I highly recommend the DP keto Diet. After 4-7 days ya bouncing off the walls with energy lol

My mom had this modification of the serenity prayer posted on her fridge.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.

You're in a relationship, not a new being that's half you and half him.

This!

I think what quite a few people are forgetting is everyone makes decisions about their health at their own pace. Maybe your bf is not ready now but that doesn't mean he may not be ready down the line. Getting rid of him doesn't have to be a first resort! (Goodness gracious people!) :-) It also does not mean that you will forever be in this fitness journey alone. He may very well have an "AHA" moment and realize he needs to be healthier. Remember there was a time when you weren't ready to live a healthy lifestyle either. Something clicked for you and you decided to change. Is it really fair of you to be upset because he didn't get ready for that change when you did? That was your decision for you. You cannot expect him to change simply because you have. He has to want it for himself and maybe one day he will.

You need to remember the only person you can - and should try to - change is yourself. As difficult as it may be to make healthy choices when you're around him it is still up to you to make those choices. There are always things and people around who will sabotage your efforts. When we give in we give them power over us. My husband and I are both trying to lose weight but we never seem to be in sync. Sometimes he's all in and other times I'm all in. Because of this I struggle. He tends to eat very late at night. I do not metabolize food well after 7 pm so I try to finish eating before then. But then I smell his Chinese food or the other delicious items he has brought home. I have found that I need a plan for ME so I don't give in. It's not realistic for me to ask him not to eat late just to benefit me. He works in corporate America and sometimes doesn't get home until 7. Also, it's his life. We are two different people and we have to respect that. When I see that he's off his plan I do, however, continue to ask him to workout with me or ask him can I fix him a nice healthy parfait for breakfast or something healthy for dinner. If he says no I respect that and move on. Yes I want him to be healthy. Yes I worry about all the weight related health issues that are out there but I cannot FORCE him to change. One day we will both do what we need to do on a daily basis because we need and WANT to do it. Until that time I respect his choice just like he respected mine when I was acting like a lazy piglet.

I would NEVER consider leaving my husband due to these differences. Better or worse, remember? :-) I have also seen people here say that he is "only" your BF and not your husband and you need to decide whether he can be a part of the new life you want. To that I just want to say he is YOUR boyfriend. YOURS! I respect everyone's right to decide what they need in their lives so I respect your right to make the same decision. Please do not let anyone encourage you to leave a man who gives you what you need in all areas except this one - even though it is a major one. You can find ways to work around the things he does. Immediately throw away stuff you know you can't handle having in the house. And I mean in the outside trash can. When he's eating junk find another area of your home to hang out in until he's done or find something else to do. It may sound like a lot of effort but if this is the man you love and you want to be with him you need to understand that you may have to make these types of decisions and take these types of actions to stay on your journey. You are the only one who can decide how much you love him and how much (and how long) you can take his actions. Breaking up and staying can be difficult choices and each have benefits and drawbacks.

To be honest, I do think he is purposely sabotaging you. It's one thing for HIM to choose not to eat healthy and not to exercise. But if you have asked him NOT to bring YOU certain items and he constantly does he may subconsciously be doing it on purpose. That is a conversation you really need to have. He's obviously afraid of something - losing you, maybe? You need to constantly reiterate that you do NOT want him to bring you foods that are not on your plan. Give him a list if you need to. Then if he keeps doing it you have a problem. You will need to find a way to fix it - whatever that may be.

Anyway, back to your question. You need to have some "emergency" options in your freezer that work with your plan. I know unprocessed foods are best BUT it would be better to have a lean cuisine meal or some frozen soup that you can grab in a bind than to starve all day, eat high calorie junk food or have to spend an arm and a leg just to eat. You need to take notice of what happens that throws you off of your schedule/plan and have backup plans to work with. When BF is eating junk have some yogurt. Save calories for later in the day if you know you will need to have a snack to distract you from what he is eating. Keep an EXTRA $5 in your purse in a hidden compartment to make it easier to get a healthy meal. Make a plan that revolves around the problems you are facing. But plan for the issues you seem to face regularly. If he keeps you from going to the gym because he has the car find videos for the house. There are many you can even do from the computer. I find the Brazil Butt lift cardio Axe video on You Tube!

Finally, after having a serious talk with him about your goals and how you would like him to help you (not to change himself) make your plan and stick to it. Maybe you can end up doing so well that you motivate him to want it for himself. But, even if you don't being healthier will be a prize in and of itself.

Sorry this was so long. Hope it helps!

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I agree that it is a partnership, but people should not have to change to be in a relationship. My husband and I support each other in our differences, no one has to compromise who they are. I think my husband and I have it under control. We know how to make it work long term.

But again I can totally see why the divorce is so high.

You see I don't want to argue with you, as I truly do agree with the premise of what you're saying, people shouldn't have to compromise themselves to be in a relationship, their core belief and values especially. However, saying -

"People should not have to change to be in a relationship"

Is just a fallacy, you both have to change in many ways and that change is a continuous process as a relationship deepens and evolves year on year and each of your priorities, aspirations and motivations change, sometimes together and sometimes differently and if it doesn't happen in a complimentary way to each other it can have major consequences. I'll leave it there.

I agree that it is a partnership, but people should not have to change to be in a relationship. My husband and I support each other in our differences, no one has to compromise who they are. I think my husband and I have it under control. We know how to make it work long term.

But again I can totally see why the divorce is so high.

You see I don't want to argue with you, as I truly do agree with the premise of what you're saying, people shouldn't have to compromise themselves to be in a relationship, their core belief and values especially. However, saying -

"People should not have to change to be in a relationship"

Is just a fallacy, you both have to change in many ways and that change is a continuous process as a relationship deepens and evolves year on year and each of your priorities, aspirations and motivations change, sometimes together and sometimes differently and if it doesn't happen in a complimentary way to each other it can have major consequences. I'll leave it there.

My husband and I must just operate differently than other married couples. Oh well, maybe that is why we are still married and more importantly happy.

I think, op, you're being completely unreasonable.
Don't like what he cooks? Make your own.
Why should he go to the gym?

This is not directed to the op but in general I think sometimes people us the "'someone is sabotaging me'' as an excuse for not having the will power .

When i first started my journey no one in my family was eating healthy and as a matter of fact I was forced to go and buy them fast foods and junk. I use to say that they were not supportive and were sabotaging me , but the reality is that it was me all along.

Just because I can't eat something doesn't mean that everyone has to stop eating it , just because I can't sit and watch TV doesn't mean that everyone has to stop.

He is not going to burn the calories for you or step on the scale with you.

My boyfriend is the most supportive partner one could ever get - however, he does not JOIN me in my journey, he does not eat healhty and does not exercise. He knows I have my food and he has his. I'm cooking for myself, if he wants some, ok, if not, he cooks. If I need to shop for food, I go shopping, he can come if he wants to. He's my partner but he's not living in my body nor is he responsible for it - I AM. I make my choices and make my way. He supports me by noticing the difference and understanding that I have different choices, he gives me motivation when I lack it and I have to admit I notice he does hold back when it comes to bringing bad food home because he doesn't want to "tempt" me. However, most of the times, he has his fatty, greasy, whatever food he wants, and I have my planned healthy choices.

Whatever choice HE makes, is not YOURS. Make YOUR choices. He doesn't have to change with you to support you, and NO ONE but yourself is responsible for your choices.

You cant force your partner to make all the changes you are making just so you have someone to do it with. If he doesnt want to do it, then why should he? Now, that being said, he really must learn to be more supportive when he cooks dinner.

Maybe you should speak to him about the things he cooks. Even to the point of "if you are going to fry the food, can you just grill mine instead and give me half" - its all about baby step.

And if he is late home with the car, phone him and ask him to pick you up things at the shops.

If he has been your partner for 7 years, why cant you talk to him???

I'm a bit like this too, but I just be independent of him in that aspect of my life. I don't see any point in trying to make him join in, and he makes me feel like I'm making too much noise when I'm trying to exercise, but he doesn't mean any harm. The only reason he thinks I should lose weight is to make myself happier, which is nice.

My advise would be just to not expect him to get in any way involved. He doesn't have to, and that shouldn't bother you. You wouldn't want him to make you do something you weren't interested in. Try keeping things in the house that you can fall back on in case of emergency, like a can of mixed means or sweetcorn and some cous cous. Not perfectly balanced but hydrate your cous cous, mix them together with some thai sweet chili or dry herbs and spices, whatever you like. If you have a pepper in the fridge and some spring onions, so much the better. At least when you're stuck you can have a cous cous salad to bring, which takes no time to put together and will be satisfying until you can get dinner.

Just remember, you're your own person, and so is he. You both need space to be yourselves, and expecting things of him that he just isn't interested in will set you up for disappointment.

Maybe he'll get interested when you're all lean and even more gorgeous, and he'll think about joining in, but he has to make that decision himself

Oh good God, leave him alone!

I think part of the problem is a lack of understanding of 'healthy' food. Why is fatty food unhealthy? Why is bacon bad? Bacon is actually very healthy, almost as good a source of monounsaturated fats as olive oil, plus a bunch of extra protein. Seems like you're trying to be ultra restrictive (for no reason.)

If you both love food, what's wrong with enjoying real food? It's called portion control, you don't have to eat truckloads of good food, eat what fits in your calorie goals.

People grow apart it happens. If you want a partner who will go every step of the way with you like that you should talk to him about it and if he doesn't want to change at least some of his behavior to compliment your changes, leave him... leave him or he'll suck you right back into where you were before you started.

It's not a bad thing to suggest this, and to think so is a bit on the unreasonable side. My parents got a divorce after 26 years of living together because, their lifestyles grew so different there was little that overlapped anymore. She worked out nightly and liked to go dancing and he liked to sit at home drink beer and eat fast food most nights. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel that sort of deep connection with your partner, to assume she should simply tough it out is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with leaving your partner because you changed and they didn't. It's part of not trying to change another individual. That's just how it works.

For people with different goals/preferences my best suggestion is to have meals where there are options for both of you and to try to do activities that make moving fun/forget you are working out.

The meal thing may sound tricky, but I will often make something like pasta with roasted veggies and lean protein for my husband and I. He loads up on the pasta and I load up on the veggies (his calorie needs are much higher than mine and he doesn't eat as healthy as I do anyway). The blog Dinner A Love Story talks about deconstructed dinners to please picky eaters - I am not about to make two meals and neither is my husband, so that helps us accommodate each others preferences.

Second, if there is a sport or walk or biking or ANYTHING that is active but doesn't feel like working out, maybe you could try to do that together.

My fiancé does not always like the healthy options I cook. I love chicken breast and veggies, he hates chicken and is picky on his veggies. I simply cook what I want to have and then throw in a different option if he is not going to eat it. For example, if I want chicken pitas, I will cook two chicken breasts, but he likes donair meat better so I cook up that. Then the next day I use the chicken for something else ie. salad or sandwich and he can fix what he wants. He hates cooked veggies and I like them so I cook mine and leave his separate. I used to just cook things he would eat but now I do not worry. He will not starve - if he is hungry he will accommodate.