Forgetting his face.

Lutah7
Lutah7 Posts: 45
in Motivation and Support
I'm not entirely sure where to post this and I do so with a bit of trepidation. The question is, if you have ever lost a loved one, do you find that you forget their face, voice, how their laugh sounded? What do you do to NOT forget?
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Replies

  • pobalita
    pobalita Posts: 741 Member
    I lost my mom almost 20 years ago and I remember her voice and face as clear as if she were still here. I see her in my children's expressions and gestures. Certain smells remind me of her very much and bring back clear memories of her. Sometimes she's in my dreams and when I waske up it feels like I had an actual visit with her.

    I'm sorry for your loss.
  • aquarabbit
    aquarabbit Posts: 1,622 Member
    Remember a specific gathering where they were and replay it over and over again. I do this with my mother. I think back to the Christmas right before she died and if I really concentrate, I can remember her sound and even her smell. Over time it gets easier to recall if you make sure to keep doing that. It does take some effort not to forget.
  • onwarddownward
    onwarddownward Posts: 1,683 Member
    I have a hard time remembering my mom's face. She died when I was 29, nearly 20 years ago. When I do remember her face, it's from her younger days.
  • Lutah7
    Lutah7 Posts: 45
    Remember a specific gathering where they were and replay it over and over again. I do this with my mother. I think back to the Christmas right before she died and if I really concentrate, I can remember her sound and even her smell. Over time it gets easier to recall if you make sure to keep doing that. It does take some effort not to forget.

    I have desperately tried to remember those moments, but the most recent was when he was deployed. The memory of him leaving was not a good one yet it seems the only one I can vividly recall. It is ..... Scary
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    I lost my father and a friend 30 plus years ago, and my mom about 15 years ago and on a day to day basis I find that I can't remember their voices or laughs. But sometimes something will jar my memory and remind me about them and it'll come back so clearly that it's painful. I remember their faces, but it's usually as if it were from a photograph and not really them.

    I wish I knew of a way to help you keep the memories closer, but sometimes I think things slip away to some degree to make the loss easier to bear over time. I don't know, it's a hard thing.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    :frown: :flowerforyou:
  • Nishi2013
    Nishi2013 Posts: 210 Member
    Sorry for your loss. My grandma passed when I was 7. I still remember her smell. My mom passed 3 years ago. I remember everything about her
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
    I sometimes find it hard to remember my husbandm who died 5 years ago. What I find hard is trying to remember the happy times, it was 18 months of horror from when he got sick to when he died, and that is at the forefront of my mind, I wish I could remember him when he was happy. I find though, that places that we went can bring back the feeling of love that we experienced.

    XXX G
  • Mrs__G
    Mrs__G Posts: 12 Member
    I don't have any great suggestions to add. Just want you to know that I am so sorry for your loss. :frown:
  • Lutah7
    Lutah7 Posts: 45
    I sometimes find it hard to remember my husbandm who died 5 years ago. What I find hard is trying to remember the happy times, it was 18 months of horror from when he got sick to when he died, and that is at the forefront of my mind, I wish I could remember him when he was happy. I find though, that places that we went can bring back the feeling of love that we experienced.

    XXX G

    I'm sorry. Sorry if I brought up pain for people. I didn't think that through and now I feel badly but I don't know how to delete this. I'm sorry
  • michael1976_ca
    michael1976_ca Posts: 3,488 Member
    my dad and cousin died 21 years ago. i do find i forget some thing but i have all the memories inside me. it hits me really hard around the time they passed away. op the memories are there in holidays. to the clothing he weared. sorry op for your loss i was 15
  • jmcreynolds91
    jmcreynolds91 Posts: 777 Member
    I lost my sister when I was 14 and she was 15. Im 23 now so awhile ago. She died of cancer and down syndrome. I always think of our times together and laughing with each other. She was such a bright spirit and I will never forget her. It does seem to get distant sometimes. We were so close, did everything together! I usually try and think about how she would say things and her laugh mostly.
  • Ely82010
    Ely82010 Posts: 1,998 Member
    I sometimes find it hard to remember my husbandm who died 5 years ago. What I find hard is trying to remember the happy times, it was 18 months of horror from when he got sick to when he died, and that is at the forefront of my mind, I wish I could remember him when he was happy. I find though, that places that we went can bring back the feeling of love that we experienced.

    XXX G

    I'm sorry. Sorry if I brought up pain for people. I didn't think that through and now I feel badly but I don't know how to delete this. I'm sorry

    Nothing to feel sorry about, except for your loss.

    My mom died 50 years ago, when I was still a teen, my father died 28 years ago, and my brother 2 years ago. I remember their faces but not their voices, at least not clearly. My brother sounded like my dad on the phone so now that he is gone it seems that I lost the sound of both voices.

    When I dream about them, their faces are always like a blur and I never know why. Time is a healer but not at the same speed with everybody. I am sorry about your sadness and pain. God bless.
  • Cp731
    Cp731 Posts: 3,195 Member
    I remember everything. his smell, his amazing body, how thoughtful he was

    he was so funny, id always catch him kinda discussing something w/himself tho, quietly whenever I asked him about it, he'd brush it off

    I remember thinking the last time we made love, that he was gaining some weight..lol
    I remember taking responsibility for a huge disagreement we got into concerning our child that lasted for a few years. the look on his face was priceless. he forgave me, I believe he died in peace.

    R.I.P
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    Remember a specific gathering where they were and replay it over and over again. I do this with my mother. I think back to the Christmas right before she died and if I really concentrate, I can remember her sound and even her smell. Over time it gets easier to recall if you make sure to keep doing that. It does take some effort not to forget.

    I have desperately tried to remember those moments, but the most recent was when he was deployed. The memory of him leaving was not a good one yet it seems the only one I can vividly recall. It is ..... Scary

    Look at photos often, they will help you remember the happier times.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    I lost my cousin, my bestfriend, and my grandfather 13 years ago. I forget my cousins and grandfathers voices, not their faces. My best friend though never. I hear his voice all the time, I see his face when I thimk about him.

    I think photos help with remembering. Do you have any videos?
  • CeddysMum
    CeddysMum Posts: 101 Member
    I am so sorry for your loss. It is obvious that you are still very much in the grieving process. That will take as much time as you need, for some that means months, for others it means years.

    In my opinion and experience (lost my mother 35 years ago, my father in 2003 and my husband in 2006) the 'fading' of our loved one's faces and voices is part of the grieving process.

    We do desperately try to hang on to them at first but eventually they become memories and feelings rather than a clear picture in front of our eyes - and ***it is OK not to remember the faces and/or voice clearly***.

    That does NOT mean you're forgetting your loved one, it means that you are beginning to process your loss.

    Many (((hugs))) to you!!!
  • carryingon
    carryingon Posts: 609 Member
    My son said to me today "Mommy, I don't remember what daddy looks like." I let him watch a video of him. It helped him.
  • RekindledRose
    RekindledRose Posts: 523 Member
    I'm so sorry about your loss. It's so very hard; I used to look at pictures and play back memories constantly, but now I am more content. I know that my loved one would have wanted me to embrace the life I have and not dwell on the past. Learn from it, know that it was good to have the love, but give myself permission to look forward to the future.

    Best wishes for you.
  • 77tes
    77tes Posts: 8,569 Member
    Someone you loved cannot be forgotten! He is part of you. Right now your mind is repressing the memory to avoid the pain. As you pass through your grief, you will be able to look back at the happy times. The memory of this special person will be with you until the end of your life.
  • _Pseudonymous_
    _Pseudonymous_ Posts: 1,671 Member
    This may seem silly, but I lost my best friend in 1997, right before starting 5th grade. I spent the night at her house that weekend, shortly after leaving her house she was hit by a car, went into a come and died. That was almost 16 years ago and I still remember her voice, her face, pretending to be spice girls (she was sporty spice and I was baby spice). Even though she wasn't technically family she felt like a sister. I still think about her and wonder what she would be doing right now if she hadn't died so young. What kind of woman she would have become.

    There are little things that trigger memories for me. Hearing her name, or a voice that sounds like hers. Sometimes I find myself catching a whiff of a scent that will bring me back to her house. They say scent is the strongest trigger for memory? Maybe find a scent that you associate with that person?

    I am so sorry for your loss but I hope that the posts you find in this thread will help ease your pain and bring you comfort.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    The grief process is a weird thing and there is no time limit on it. Everybody experiences the process in different ways and will experience various emotions. Our bodies are amazing machines that will do mind blowing things to protect us.

    OP: i wish there was something I could say to make it better for you. Death just sucks. Period. I really hope you find a way to heal and take however long you need to feel better.... :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:
  • irishscootz
    irishscootz Posts: 97
    This is remembering. Talking about the moments that you remember, and sharing your story. These are the moments that bring about healing. I don't think that we will ever forget those that we lose, we can't. Continue to share, and embrace it!
  • Lutah7
    Lutah7 Posts: 45
    I really needed to hear a lot of this. Thank you. 4th of July was incredibly hard, only 2 weeks after his body was returned home and the military ceremony and then private burial. At a parade, it seemed I was inundated with the harshest comments. Maybe there is something wrong with me that those are the only ones I overheard. One young woman saying, "Servicemen deserve to die for being in someone else's country, this is a crock of ****." One remark, "I wonder if we shoot fireworks near the vets, if they will flip out." followed by laughter. I was just dumbfounded. I left the parade, I just couldn't stay. Since then I kind of hid in my house feeding my anger and bitterness. I'm ashamed that it took me so long to do something pro-active instead of pathetic. I guess in a way MFP has kind of become my little safety zone. I can be alone and cry and still type. I am sorry for the whining. I hate whining... and yes, I realize that I have sunken into it. This is my journey out of that hole I guess. It's kind of like having a bad wound on your arm that you cover up and dont look at in the foolish hopes that it will magically disappear. It never does. But finally there's a scab over it and it seems like all is well. But the infection is still there.... and the only real way to deal with it is #1 cut the arm off, or #2 rip the scab off and dig out all the infection. Painful, gross, yucky to look at.... and I will try not to bring it out in the open anymore.

    I guess I said all that rambling to say, "thank you." For all the input and things to think about.
  • shimmer615
    shimmer615 Posts: 55
    I lost my dad 1.5 years ago. He was 55. While I can still remember him well, I have a hard time talking to my young sons (ages 6 and 2) about him, because it is still a really painful loss. The one thing that I have found that I can connect them with (and myself), is music. My dad loved music. All of the classic stuff - Chicago, Boston, Journey, the Beatles, Eric Clapton - and my boys have a love of that now too. I can say "you know what, this is a song that your grandpa liked a lot" and my oldest starts rocking out to it. I also feel like it's a sign when I'm listening to Pandora, and out of all of the songs on the station that I chose, one of the songs that I chose for his funeral comes on. I feel like he's saying hello to me.

    I feel that the more I talk about him with people who loved and knew him, and the more I think about him - the easier it is to remember him. I remember his cheesy grin, how his voice sounded when he talked to my oldest son. If I'm having a really rough day, I send him a message on his facebook page.

    I hope that this helps you. The pain is very real, and it sounds cliche, but it does get better very slowly over time.
  • Ely82010
    Ely82010 Posts: 1,998 Member
    I am sorry that on top of dealing with the burial of your husband, you had to hear nasty remarks from very nasty people. That must it hurt so much, that I can't imagine how you were able to deal with it. Shame on those members of the human race for becoming so callous and insensitive; I don’t understand people like that, I really don’t.

    Stay strong, believe in yourself, and keep the memories of your husband in a very special place in your heart. It will be your comfort for years to come.
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
    So sorry for your loss.
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
    I really needed to hear a lot of this. Thank you. 4th of July was incredibly hard, only 2 weeks after his body was returned home and the military ceremony and then private burial. At a parade, it seemed I was inundated with the harshest comments. Maybe there is something wrong with me that those are the only ones I overheard. One young woman saying, "Servicemen deserve to die for being in someone else's country, this is a crock of ****." One remark, "I wonder if we shoot fireworks near the vets, if they will flip out." followed by laughter. I was just dumbfounded. I left the parade, I just couldn't stay. Since then I kind of hid in my house feeding my anger and bitterness. I'm ashamed that it took me so long to do something pro-active instead of pathetic. I guess in a way MFP has kind of become my little safety zone. I can be alone and cry and still type. I am sorry for the whining. I hate whining... and yes, I realize that I have sunken into it. This is my journey out of that hole I guess. It's kind of like having a bad wound on your arm that you cover up and dont look at in the foolish hopes that it will magically disappear. It never does. But finally there's a scab over it and it seems like all is well. But the infection is still there.... and the only real way to deal with it is #1 cut the arm off, or #2 rip the scab off and dig out all the infection. Painful, gross, yucky to look at.... and I will try not to bring it out in the open anymore.

    I guess I said all that rambling to say, "thank you." For all the input and things to think about.

    You know....people can be real ***holes sometimes and that sucks that you had to hear it. Take your time with this process. Cry when you want. Smile when you want. Cry again if you want to.......it is ok to do those things and it is ok to cry. :flowerforyou:
  • EmmaOnTrack
    EmmaOnTrack Posts: 425 Member
    I also feel like it's a sign when I'm listening to Pandora, and out of all of the songs on the station that I chose, one of the songs that I chose for his funeral comes on. I feel like he's saying hello to me.
    I feel exactly this when "Shine on you Crazy Diamond" or "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd comes on. 11 years after my beloved Dad died I now take a moment to say hello back and thank him for popping in when these songs interrupt my busy life. I played Shine On at his funeral, loud.
  • Lutah7
    Lutah7 Posts: 45
    I guess I can't post a pic here. A couple people have asked. I put a pic of Marcus in my profile.

    As for "them protecting themselves" ..... Marcus' unit was protecting a village..... They would ask for little sample acks of gum and starburst candies to give to the kids there. ....

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