Am I being irrational?
squiguk
Posts: 29 Member
Hi all, I was wondering if you could give me your opinions. I am trying to lose weight but i struggle to control my snacking. i exercise 4/5 times a week and have 3 healthy meals a day but i ruin it with bad snacks. i have lost about a stone and a half over the last couple of years, mainly due to being with my boyfriend who is really healthy, he eats healithy and plays loads of sport and i guess my change in lifestyle has rubbed off on me.
anyway last night he said to me 'have you put on weight since your brother's wedding?' (it was in june)
i was a bit shocked as yes, i have done and my reaction was to say 'if you have to ask that question, the answer is clearly 'yes' so the only reason you would ask that is to make me feel bad'
he went on to explain that wasn't what he meant, he said he wanted us to have a discussion about it because i always say i want to lose weight but every time he says anything i get annoyed with him. he said that if we talk about it, he can help me and he said that i seem really unhappy and if i can't do it on my own i should turn to him for support.
basically i know he is right. everytime he says 'what have you done today?' i get really angry like he is checking up on me. and yet I'm the one who moans about not losing weight so in his logical man-mind he is just trying to encourage me.
the conversation was basically left when he said 'if you never want me to bring up anything about healthy eating or exercise again, i'll never mention it but if you want my help we can come up with other ways' so naturally i went to bed ignoring him and this morning was awkward as well as i just still feel really upset.
he is not a nasty person and i know he is just trying to help me but i dont want him to turn into a personal trainer and me to get mad with him when he tries to help me. i don't know what to do. if i keep sabotaging my diet with bad snacks does this mean i dont really want to lose weight? or just that i need help?
sorry for the long post i just don't really know who to talk to!
anyway last night he said to me 'have you put on weight since your brother's wedding?' (it was in june)
i was a bit shocked as yes, i have done and my reaction was to say 'if you have to ask that question, the answer is clearly 'yes' so the only reason you would ask that is to make me feel bad'
he went on to explain that wasn't what he meant, he said he wanted us to have a discussion about it because i always say i want to lose weight but every time he says anything i get annoyed with him. he said that if we talk about it, he can help me and he said that i seem really unhappy and if i can't do it on my own i should turn to him for support.
basically i know he is right. everytime he says 'what have you done today?' i get really angry like he is checking up on me. and yet I'm the one who moans about not losing weight so in his logical man-mind he is just trying to encourage me.
the conversation was basically left when he said 'if you never want me to bring up anything about healthy eating or exercise again, i'll never mention it but if you want my help we can come up with other ways' so naturally i went to bed ignoring him and this morning was awkward as well as i just still feel really upset.
he is not a nasty person and i know he is just trying to help me but i dont want him to turn into a personal trainer and me to get mad with him when he tries to help me. i don't know what to do. if i keep sabotaging my diet with bad snacks does this mean i dont really want to lose weight? or just that i need help?
sorry for the long post i just don't really know who to talk to!
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Replies
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How about you decide if you want his help or not and either accept the offer, or say no and take him up on his offer to never bring it up again?
You admit you moan about not losing, he sounds like he's being really sweet and tactful. Read some of the thread about partners being *kitten* about their lady's weight.
Your feeling guilty and defensive because you feel like you're failing. So you're taking offence to things that contain none. Maybe say you'd love if he was open to giving you advice and encouragement, but that you can be touchy about it, so he has to take his cues from you.
But yeah, the cold shoulder and anger was irrational, and comes because he it a nerve.0 -
1. the short answer: YES! You're being irrational.
Long answer:
2. You're just acting like a drama queen diva, and making something out of nothing. You know every well he was just trying to help. You said so yourself.
3. Like Alantariel75 said. Decide if you want help or not.
Be strait forward with him. If you do not want this help, tell him: "NO! I do not want your help about my health and fitness!" and it will be the end of that drama. It's okay if you want a different person/trainer to help your health. Tell him about it. You won't hurt his feelings. He's a guy. He responds well to strait-forward answers.
4. You're 29 years old. Stop acting like a high school girl that doesn't know what she wants. You know very well what you want, what your flaws are, what your problems are, and what you can do to solve it. So, why act like you have no control over the issue?0 -
Thank you for your post, I agree with everything you have said. I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking, I am trying and for him to just point out that I have gained weight makes me feel like he doesn't acknowledge all the hard work I've put in previously.
Which is actually a separate issue from him wanting to help me out. I just need to figure out if I do want it or if I'm just going to be annoyed all the time which isnt fair on either of us.
Thanks again x0 -
yes, you're being irrational.
he tried to have a conversation with you in what sounds like a kind but direct way, and he based it on what you've been telling him you want.
in response, he got you carrying on like a child.
grow up, have a good hard think about what you want from him, then tell him (honestly) what you want from him, then walk the walk.0 -
Reading your post, I think you know maybe a litle bit irrational....lol
Let's face it, a man to even enter into hthe no mans land of talking about a woman's weight is asking for all sorts of trouble and the way you've written it suggests nothing but helpful and supportive. To be fair, he probably knew how the conversation would end as it;s such a personal thing. I do think he wants to help without judgement so take him up on it.
My husband and I are changing our lifes together and it's great that we're in it together supporting each other, planning meals etc etc.
PS - I love snacks and have 1-2 a day, but I work them into my calories :flowerforyou:0 -
TL;DR
From what I skimmed over... guys are pretty dense when it comes to the feeling, emotional crap.
You are more than likely being irrational, it's a side-effect of operating on emotion rather than logic.0 -
Men want to fix things. I think he was really cares and is trying to be helpful in something that is important to you. That is really a great thing that should be appreciated. Take advantage of it!0
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Thank you for your post, I agree with everything you have said. I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking, I am trying and for him to just point out that I have gained weight makes me feel like he doesn't acknowledge all the hard work I've put in previously.
Maybe it's a guy thing, but really hard work without results is at best just being inefficient, and at worst a waste of time.
I'm not saying that to be mean, but as a guy, maybe I view it differently, which may be what your boyfriend is seeing. If I train hard in the gym and don't get stronger and\or better at my sport, to me, ultimately it's been a pointless exercise. I could have spent that time doing something else that makes me better at what I do.0 -
1. the short answer: YES! You're being irrational.
Long answer:
2. You're just acting like a drama queen diva, and making something out of nothing. You know every well he was just trying to help. You said so yourself.
3. Like Alantariel75 said. Decide if you want help or not.
Be strait forward with him. If you do not want this help, tell him: "NO! I do not want your help about my health and fitness!" and it will be the end of that drama. It's okay if you want a different person/trainer to help your health. Tell him about it. You won't hurt his feelings. He's a guy. He responds well to strait-forward answers.
4. You're 29 years old. Stop acting like a high school girl that doesn't know what she wants. You know very well what you want, what your flaws are, what your problems are, and what you can do to solve it. So, why act like you have no control over the issue?
all of this!!0 -
Yes - irrational.
Men tend to deal in facts not emotions (sweeping generalisation alert!!!) - so I will translate for you....
When he said "have you put on weight?" what he is really asking is "have you put on weight?"
What he was NOT saying is "you are ugly / unattractive / look like a porker / I really fancy your sister / let's have a fight" (delete as appropriate/inappropriate).
The exception to this is when a man says "nice dress" he really means "nice cleavage".0 -
off topic, but darkguardian4, it took me a second, but once i got it, i laughed so hard at your profile pic that i think i peed a little0
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The exception to this is when a man says "nice dress" he really means "nice cleavage".
or 'nice bum' i could be wearing a binbag, but if its tight across my bum my husband always tells me how nice i look!!!0 -
Why does it have to be him vs you?
What if you take him up on his offer to help, he's just calling you out on your BS and perhaps that's what you need though it's not what you want.
If you expect him to keep listening to you go on about your weight, you must expect a conversation like this to happen. Don't snap at him, you come across like an impertinent child when we can see the full picture which is that you're using that as a defensive weapon to get him to keep a distance. Just have a conversation. Say you do want to lose weight but you don't want to feel policed and the consequence is that when he asks innocent questions like "what did you do today", you're taking it personally and loading it with all those insecurities you have. Ask him if he means it in this way. And if he says no, he was just asking ACCEPT IT.
You say he hasn't given you credit for whatever in the last few years, that's probably because he's not your keeper. Is he hearing these messages from you "I'm so glad I'm not at the weight I was two years ago..." or is he hearing "ARGH I'M SO FAT, I can't control myself, why am I like this?!" because if it's the latter, that's a pretty good clue as to why he feels like he wants to help you.
Maybe just strip back all the defensiveness and face the slightly uncomfortable truths that may not be neat and tidy and easy to compartmentalise. You may feel vulnerable but he doesn't deserve to bear the brunt of your internal conflicts just because he's trying to help.0 -
lol pretty much sums up relationships for us male folks
Don't offer help - You get mad we didn't try to help
Offer help - Get mad anyway.
We are all used to it by now!0 -
His ultimate concern is going to be your happiness. I can imagine for any man (my other half for certain) it is very difficult and frustrating having to listen to their partner moan about their weight and how ugly they think they are one minute, then watch them shove a kebab in their face the next.
Yes, you are being irrational. He is trying to support you; either accept that support gratefully and let him help or tell him you want to do it alone.0 -
I can understand your frustration to somewhat of an extent...I've gained then lost then gained again. It's an extremely long, frustrating process that takes awhile. The fact that your BF points out you gaining weight can't be helping. However, sometimes all it takes is someone to point us back on the right path when we have slowly gone off.. he's definitely just trying to help, but as women we are always oversensitive. My boyfriend has been extremely supportive through my journey, but he's now starting to tell me "you're too small" which is extremely difficult to hear since I've worked so hard to get where I am. But, at the end of the day, it's MY body and I WILL lose the last 5 pounds regardless of his opinions about it.0
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ok so I'm probably in the minority (I read the first few responses). I am in my 40s and I would have felt the same way you did.
My husband and I have been married 15 years. I have gained/lost/gained lost... he was always naturally thin and tall.. I have complained about my weight to him.. he says "I love you the way you are". He says this to me no matter how high or low my weight has been. He would NEVER EVER ask if I've gained weight. Why? Because he knows I am self conscious about that. I have an eating disorder, I am an emotional eater. So... Think about it.... what if he had thinning hair and he was self-conscious about that... then suddenly you said "hey babe, did you lose more hair since the spring?".. would anyone think this would make him feel good about himself? Prob not.. I know, weight vs hair.. different thing.. but just trying to make a comparison. To me it's hurtful.. but then again maybe I'm just a big baby. :-P0 -
read your post you just written - imagine its someone else - how would you answer??
You have answered within your own post.
I wouldn't say irrational but unfair yes. My bf and I are like that to each other but we always say and emphasise its said and acted in love. In face I got an email half hour ago from him saying thanks for all your support. Last night we were egging each other on in gym - then today he says was best session ever.0 -
haha, the answer is yes, but I completely understand. Honestly, give it a few days and re-read this post and you will see how sensitive you are being.
Your bf sounds like a nice guy and is probably only looking to help. If you can't handle taking advice from him then don't, find someone else to lean on, or just lean on yourself. I find it hard to take advice from my husband or father (it's some kind of weird feminist power differential thing, I hate asking men close to me for advice... it's weird and I know I shouldn't feel that way.. but I do).
anyhoo, good luck0 -
ok so I'm probably in the minority (I read the first few responses). I am in my 40s and I would have felt the same way you did.
My husband and I have been married 15 years. I have gained/lost/gained lost... he was always naturally thin and tall.. I have complained about my weight to him.. he says "I love you the way you are". He says this to me no matter how high or low my weight has been. He would NEVER EVER ask if I've gained weight. Why? Because he knows I am self conscious about that. I have an eating disorder, I am an emotional eater. So... Think about it.... what if he had thinning hair and he was self-conscious about that... then suddenly you said "hey babe, did you lose more hair since the spring?".. would anyone think this would make him feel good about himself? Prob not.. I know, weight vs hair.. different thing.. but just trying to make a comparison. To me it's hurtful.. but then again maybe I'm just a big baby. :-P
But the OP said he knows that she wants to and trying to lose weight so I don't think its in hurt. I love my bf and have this to share now. I can tell him how he looks - where i think changes in his body shape have been made. He always telling me i lose a lot of fat off back and now all muscle. I could take that as 'oh only lost there' or a compliment about my efforts paying off and in an area of my body I can't see or notice but he always does as he gives me back rubs.0 -
ok. my husband is very overweight. I get so mad because I am on here trying to improve myself and he just doesn't care. so..there are two sides to it.. if your boyfriend is fit. trust me..in his heart..he wants a girlfriend who is fit too. If that fact hurts you..I'm sorry....but don't be mad at him for wanting what he wants.
I love my husband even if he's overweight. but he cheats me out of feeling proud and attracted to the man I'm married to. and that's pretty crappy on his end. I worry about becoming a widow because of his health..and I have to see the looks on people's faces when they see he's gained so much weight.
You're lucky your have a boyfriend who wants to support you and see you through a weight loss journey. that's what I think. you have to do this for yourself... but why not for him too?0 -
Let's take a page out of your own playbook - If you have to ask - YES !0
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ok so I'm probably in the minority (I read the first few responses). I am in my 40s and I would have felt the same way you did.
My husband and I have been married 15 years. I have gained/lost/gained lost... he was always naturally thin and tall.. I have complained about my weight to him.. he says "I love you the way you are". He says this to me no matter how high or low my weight has been. He would NEVER EVER ask if I've gained weight. Why? Because he knows I am self conscious about that. I have an eating disorder, I am an emotional eater. So... Think about it.... what if he had thinning hair and he was self-conscious about that... then suddenly you said "hey babe, did you lose more hair since the spring?".. would anyone think this would make him feel good about himself? Prob not.. I know, weight vs hair.. different thing.. but just trying to make a comparison. To me it's hurtful.. but then again maybe I'm just a big baby. :-P
I agree with this! My husband would never ask me if I've put on weight and I would be hurt if he did because he knows how unhappy I am with my weight and that I'm working to fix it. But maybe he's just not your typical guy and frankly I'm glad..0 -
Yes---irrational.
Sounds like he is trying to help and get you back on track the best way he can. Don't reject and make him feel bad for bringing it up when you were upset about it too.0 -
I went through the same thing when I first started working out and losing weight. My brother had all this advice for me because it worked for him. I told him that I appreciated his advice and was willing to listen, but I had to find what worked for me. Find workout classes that you like or a friend to workout with. Ask for his advice when you feel stuck or need new ideas.
As far as snacking goes, they can be a great way to stave off hunger between meals and can be healthy. I have 1 or 2 snacks a day depending on my workout schedule, I just plan them into my calorie budget. I usually have plain greek yogurt with fresh berries or some fruit/protein combo. My recommendation is to journal your food very carefully for a while and see where improvements can be made.
Hope this helps!0 -
I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking, I am trying and for him to just point out that I have gained weight makes me feel like he doesn't acknowledge all the hard work I've put in previously.
Here is my take on it.
You have completely changed your lifestyle, How do you feel about that? Do you enjoy the things that you are doing now? Do you miss your old lifetsyle?
These snacks that you are having - When are you having them? In his presence, by yourself? What are you snacking on? (I did not peak at your diary) Why are you having them? There is nothing wrong with snacking if it is the right things for the right reasons but They way you say snacking makes me think it's not the right things or for the right reasons.
I don't know you but I thought that maybe you aren't happy with all these changes. You are missing something and those snacks are providing it for you.
Edit: I hope this did not come off mean I just want to help and this was my perspective. I could be all wrong.0 -
My boyfriend and I have played this game.
only roles were reversed. He's the one who is out of shape- and I'm fit. He thinks I nag him- so I just gave up and when he finally got his ish together- he asks me questions occasionally- I'm happy to help.
But otherwise I kind of leave him to his own devices.
Don't ***** to me that you are overweight- or out of shape then complain when I try to help you- all that gets you- is resentment- and no help at all.
it's definitely a touchy subject. But most often it's best to let YOU deal with it if you can't take the helpful constructive criticism from a mate. Just say- thank you I do appreciate it- but I get really frustrated and irrational and that isn't fair to you- so I'm going to do this on my own. And leave it at that- find a supportive GF who will help you on your bath then.
unless you can put aside personal feelings and take the help/critique as needed- then attack it as a team.0 -
Irrational - A bit.
I would suggest if you really want to lose the weight and make some changes get an accountability partner that you are not in a love relationship with. Too much risk of hurt feelings and relationship damage when your significant other is going to be monitoring and questioning your progress. Getting help towards your goals may require some frankness you don't want to hear from your significant other. You don't want to go to bed at night or wake up in the morning with cold shoulders.0 -
In my experience, men want to help/fix things. If you want to ***** about being fat but do nothing- do it to your mom or a girlfriend. If you actually want help losing the weight, ask your boyfriend.
It really doesn't sound like he is trying to be malicious or hurtful at all. He see's you're unhappy and you complain about your weight.. he wants to help. Either decide to let him, or stop with the comments.0 -
lots to think about, thank you for all the responses. i do agree i am being irrational but i am a bit surprised at how many people think it is ok to talk about a woman's weight to her face! i just always thought of that as one of those things you just didn't do which i'm obviously wrong about...unless you all have extremely understanding partners!
i just wanted to clarify in my orignal post that when i say i moan about not losing weight i meant generally, to myself and my female friends, definitly not to my bf as i know that moaning to him would be pointless if im not doing what i can to help myself.
in one of the responses was this question: You have completely changed your lifestyle, How do you feel about that? Do you enjoy the things that you are doing now? Do you miss your old lifetsyle?
In all honesty I do miss not caring about my weight and doing what i wanted but i couldn't go back to it now, i'd feel too guilty.
also, to those who say 'you know what you have to do so just do it' - if it was that easy, i wouldnt even be on MFP.
i'll definitly be having a proper think about how i can accept his help graciously from now on and your responses will help me do this so thanks again.0
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