Am I being irrational?

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  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,306 Member
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    ok. my husband is very overweight. I get so mad because I am on here trying to improve myself and he just doesn't care. so..there are two sides to it.. if your boyfriend is fit. trust me..in his heart..he wants a girlfriend who is fit too. If that fact hurts you..I'm sorry....but don't be mad at him for wanting what he wants.

    I love my husband even if he's overweight. but he cheats me out of feeling proud and attracted to the man I'm married to. and that's pretty crappy on his end. I worry about becoming a widow because of his health..and I have to see the looks on people's faces when they see he's gained so much weight.

    You're lucky your have a boyfriend who wants to support you and see you through a weight loss journey. that's what I think. you have to do this for yourself... but why not for him too?
  • Alwayssohungry
    Alwayssohungry Posts: 369 Member
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    Let's take a page out of your own playbook - If you have to ask - YES !
  • mbrou28
    mbrou28 Posts: 132 Member
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    ok so I'm probably in the minority (I read the first few responses). I am in my 40s and I would have felt the same way you did.

    My husband and I have been married 15 years. I have gained/lost/gained lost... he was always naturally thin and tall.. I have complained about my weight to him.. he says "I love you the way you are". He says this to me no matter how high or low my weight has been. He would NEVER EVER ask if I've gained weight. Why? Because he knows I am self conscious about that. I have an eating disorder, I am an emotional eater. So... Think about it.... what if he had thinning hair and he was self-conscious about that... then suddenly you said "hey babe, did you lose more hair since the spring?".. would anyone think this would make him feel good about himself? Prob not.. I know, weight vs hair.. different thing.. but just trying to make a comparison. To me it's hurtful.. but then again maybe I'm just a big baby. :-P

    I agree with this! My husband would never ask me if I've put on weight and I would be hurt if he did because he knows how unhappy I am with my weight and that I'm working to fix it. But maybe he's just not your typical guy and frankly I'm glad..
  • fleetzz
    fleetzz Posts: 962 Member
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    Yes---irrational.

    Sounds like he is trying to help and get you back on track the best way he can. Don't reject and make him feel bad for bringing it up when you were upset about it too.
  • katseye7585
    katseye7585 Posts: 2 Member
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    I went through the same thing when I first started working out and losing weight. My brother had all this advice for me because it worked for him. I told him that I appreciated his advice and was willing to listen, but I had to find what worked for me. Find workout classes that you like or a friend to workout with. Ask for his advice when you feel stuck or need new ideas.

    As far as snacking goes, they can be a great way to stave off hunger between meals and can be healthy. I have 1 or 2 snacks a day depending on my workout schedule, I just plan them into my calorie budget. I usually have plain greek yogurt with fresh berries or some fruit/protein combo. My recommendation is to journal your food very carefully for a while and see where improvements can be made.

    Hope this helps!
  • dvelocity
    dvelocity Posts: 309 Member
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    I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking, I am trying and for him to just point out that I have gained weight makes me feel like he doesn't acknowledge all the hard work I've put in previously.

    Here is my take on it.
    You have completely changed your lifestyle, How do you feel about that? Do you enjoy the things that you are doing now? Do you miss your old lifetsyle?

    These snacks that you are having - When are you having them? In his presence, by yourself? What are you snacking on? (I did not peak at your diary) Why are you having them? There is nothing wrong with snacking if it is the right things for the right reasons but They way you say snacking makes me think it's not the right things or for the right reasons.

    I don't know you but I thought that maybe you aren't happy with all these changes. You are missing something and those snacks are providing it for you.

    Edit: I hope this did not come off mean I just want to help and this was my perspective. I could be all wrong.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    My boyfriend and I have played this game.

    only roles were reversed. He's the one who is out of shape- and I'm fit. He thinks I nag him- so I just gave up and when he finally got his ish together- he asks me questions occasionally- I'm happy to help.

    But otherwise I kind of leave him to his own devices.

    Don't ***** to me that you are overweight- or out of shape then complain when I try to help you- all that gets you- is resentment- and no help at all.

    it's definitely a touchy subject. But most often it's best to let YOU deal with it if you can't take the helpful constructive criticism from a mate. Just say- thank you I do appreciate it- but I get really frustrated and irrational and that isn't fair to you- so I'm going to do this on my own. And leave it at that- find a supportive GF who will help you on your bath then.

    unless you can put aside personal feelings and take the help/critique as needed- then attack it as a team.
  • ed_mahoney
    ed_mahoney Posts: 2 Member
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    Irrational - A bit.

    I would suggest if you really want to lose the weight and make some changes get an accountability partner that you are not in a love relationship with. Too much risk of hurt feelings and relationship damage when your significant other is going to be monitoring and questioning your progress. Getting help towards your goals may require some frankness you don't want to hear from your significant other. You don't want to go to bed at night or wake up in the morning with cold shoulders.
  • FrankiesSaysRelax
    FrankiesSaysRelax Posts: 403 Member
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    In my experience, men want to help/fix things. If you want to ***** about being fat but do nothing- do it to your mom or a girlfriend. If you actually want help losing the weight, ask your boyfriend.

    It really doesn't sound like he is trying to be malicious or hurtful at all. He see's you're unhappy and you complain about your weight.. he wants to help. Either decide to let him, or stop with the comments.
  • squiguk
    squiguk Posts: 29 Member
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    lots to think about, thank you for all the responses. i do agree i am being irrational but i am a bit surprised at how many people think it is ok to talk about a woman's weight to her face! i just always thought of that as one of those things you just didn't do which i'm obviously wrong about...unless you all have extremely understanding partners!

    i just wanted to clarify in my orignal post that when i say i moan about not losing weight i meant generally, to myself and my female friends, definitly not to my bf as i know that moaning to him would be pointless if im not doing what i can to help myself.

    in one of the responses was this question: You have completely changed your lifestyle, How do you feel about that? Do you enjoy the things that you are doing now? Do you miss your old lifetsyle?

    In all honesty I do miss not caring about my weight and doing what i wanted but i couldn't go back to it now, i'd feel too guilty.

    also, to those who say 'you know what you have to do so just do it' - if it was that easy, i wouldnt even be on MFP.

    i'll definitly be having a proper think about how i can accept his help graciously from now on and your responses will help me do this so thanks again.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    I've always been very touchy about conversations about my weight because my family harassed me about it for YEARS (since I was 10, and I'm now 47). And I've been where you are in that when my husband would ask about what I was doing or anything, I'd jump down his throat telling him to quit being the "diet police".

    Somehow that's changed now. Before I usually took offense to it because I wasn't actually doing anything that I said I wanted to do. When I first started seeing the nutritionist, about a month after our first appointment after looking at my food journal, she asked, "Do you want to lose weight?" I said, "well, yeah...." and this little voice in my head said, "Then act like it."

    Let him know that you're very sensitive about the topic, and part of it is how he approaches it with you. You know he doesn't mean to be mean, that he's genuinely interested in your journey. The real question is: Is there a way that he can bring it up that won't upset you or make you feel like he's being critical? Let him know then how you prefer to be approached, or if you'd prefer to be the one bringing it up to him. It could just be a little bit of "setting parameters" to make the conversation go a little easier.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    also, to those who say 'you know what you have to do so just do it' - if it was that easy, i wouldnt even be on MFP.

    i'll definitly be having a proper think about how i can accept his help graciously from now on and your responses will help me do this so thanks again.

    but you DO know how to do it- and that's what you need to do is just do it.

    No one said it was EASY. But the steps themselves are quiet simple.

    But no one said it was easy.

    Just because it's EASY to type (meaning there are not many steps- it's a short list of things to do)... does not mean the work in and of itself is easy or challenge-less.

    All that being said- people have been gaining/losing weight for years. Fortunately there are lots of people willing to help you- you just need to take ownership and make the first steps. You got this!
  • blossomnu
    blossomnu Posts: 65 Member
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    I'm a snacker, but when I started reducing my calories I just switched to making better snack choices...replaced chips/crisps with popcorn, started eating nuts, replaced ice cream with frozen yoghurt. Not saying it's a 'perfect' diet because it's not, but it means I get to snack.

    Biggest things that helped me:

    - giving myself specific snack times (morning, late afternoon) that my body could adjust to
    - mindful eating
    - avoiding eating in 'association' situations - e.g. I associated watching TV and going to the cinema with being hungry/snacking, even when it obviously wasn't the case
    - buying things in individual portion sizes or weighing and dividing things up into portion sizes so I can manage the volume and calories better
    - reading positive food blogs like snacktherapy.com.

    My boyfriend is the opposite of yours - he's got one of the worst diets I've ever seen and our house is permanently stocked with crisps, chips, sweets, chocolate, and just about every temptation you could imagine, plus our kitchens at work are stocked with unlimited free snacks and the bosses buy takeout for everyone regularly. Definitely be glad you have your boyfriend being healthy and use it to inspire you!!! Because so many days are a battle of wills for me.
  • labeachgirl
    labeachgirl Posts: 158 Member
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    This is such a typical guy/girl argument...

    Guys want to fix things, which is why when you vent, he's going to try to fix it. If you want to just vent and not be held accountable, vent to your girlfriends.
  • littlelaura
    littlelaura Posts: 1,028 Member
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    yes you are but it comes with being a woman, it doesn't get better with age either just fyi.
    you will figure out what you want, sometimes you want help but not in the way someone offers it, and
    since it isn't your way, its the wrong way and annoys you and then you don't want it. LOL make sense?
  • jwdieter
    jwdieter Posts: 2,582 Member
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    If you want to just vent and not be held accountable, vent to your girlfriends.

    This would save soooo many arguments and hurt feelings.
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
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    I think that I'm just upset at the fact that I feel like i have completely changed my lifestyle and apart from the snacking,

    That's kinda like saying "I take excellent care of my car except I never change the oil."
  • CatAMcC
    CatAMcC Posts: 166 Member
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    Sorry but I don't see why talking about a woman's weight is taboo. Some people are very open about their health and weight issues and I think people need to be more. Many people are putting on lots of weight before anyone has courage to say anything and maybe (in general NOT at you) we should point out to our nearest and dearest when its just a little on before waiting until its 5stone+ and saying - err you put on weight?? My bf and I share everything. As I helped my dad on sworld I talk to him about my weight all the time and vice versa. Means its not a forbidden subject and talking more openly about it helps anyone I know rather than keeping it a secret.

    This wasn't a work colleague or a friend you don't know well. This was your loving partner and that should be the key in this. I just think he called on something you been thinking yourself and annoyed at him when the anger should be turned into motivation to change if you want.

    If was your mum or a sister you would probs be annoyed but not as much. Don't hold this against your bf.
  • hzliiz
    hzliiz Posts: 166 Member
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    off topic, but darkguardian4, it took me a second, but once i got it, i laughed so hard at your profile pic that i think i peed a little

    Hahahahahaha... dirty! Didn't notice till you pointed it out. Boys! :laugh:

    To the OP yeah he actually sounds like he's trying to be supportive and helpful. Tell him how he can help, don't leave him to have to guess -- we can't read each others' minds. Best of luck to you, I know it's hard when you're feeling so discouraged. Feel free to add me for support.
  • Ladina1990
    Ladina1990 Posts: 137 Member
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    I know how your feel when it comes to the bad snacking, I have snacked since I was 10 years old and I still do it now so getting out of that bad habit is HARD but if you have a man that is willing to help you with something that will change your life then you need to take his help in stride, if you honestly don't want his help then tell him that you love him but you wanna do this journey alone with losing weight, irrational? yes, but don't let things get to awkward suck up your pride and go apologize cause honestly he did nothing wrong.

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