Losing my feelings for my boyfriend

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  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
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    I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?

    Somebody who would threaten suicide to guilt you into staying is manipulative and has major problems. I would leave him as fast as I could run. Be careful. Set up a place first without telling him. Even talk to a counselor by yourself and get advice about how to leave and be safe. I seriously mean this. He actually might hurt himself -- or you.

    EDITED to say I didn't realize this was so old... like someone said above, I hope things worked out.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
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    No I think the OP needs to understand that the grass is only greener where you water it. Also he sounds like an awesome guy, the guy most women clamor for. Yet she says thats not enough? clearly he is so invested in her that the the thought of her not being there makes him breakdown..Isnt that what women want?

    Awesome guy who threatens to blow his brains out if she leaves? Who cries, hyperventilates and begs at the mention of breaking up? Women want a man to love them, to even need them, but not to be so dependent that they would rather commit suicide than live without them. Well, I can't speak for all women. Just the sane ones.

    The longer a thread ages, the better it tastes.
  • rodneyderrick
    rodneyderrick Posts: 483 Member
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    You're in a precarious situation right now because he has stated on several occasions that he plans on killing himself if you leave. You're going to leave him, and that's pretty much set in stone. You might not leave today, but it's going to happen. When you decide you're done with the relationship, just leave. Write a note, leave, and take the things you need while he's at work or something. I know you have feelings for him, and you'll like him to live a safe and happy life; but if he's willing to kill himself over this, then he's probably willing to kill you too.
  • Mustang_Susie
    Mustang_Susie Posts: 7,045 Member
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    I've brought up the idea of us maybe breaking up about 2 times in the last 3 months and each time he completely freaks out. He hyperventilates, cries uncontrollably, begs me not to leave, talks about what a "loser" he is for not being able to keep me, and one time he even told me he'd "blow his brains out" if I ever left him. I really don't want to hurt him. He's a wonderful person and he treats me like gold, I just cannot help how I feel. He's even said this to me when I've brought up breaking up--"Don't I treat you well?"--this is what he always says to me. And he's right. Am I just a selfish *****?

    Red flags.
    He's the one being manipulative and selfish.
    He has control issues from insecurities.
    You won't cure those by staying with him.
    He needs to figure out that he's okay by himself first before he can be a boyfriend/husband.
    Be honest and leave.
    That's the most loving thing you can do at this point.
  • jaycbadass
    jaycbadass Posts: 325
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    Obviously I cant agree with the fact that he would kill himself over this broad. Or any broad for that matter. I think he is just so insanely in love with her, and having been there before ,what seems irrational seems rational at times. I wish i could hang out with the guy , slap some sense into him, and take him under my wing. Kick that broad out, asap!...I really hope he's snapped out of it.
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
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    I feel bad for both of you. I hope you don't resent him or think he's disgusting by his crying and all. The poor thing probably has very deep abandonment issues. He's got an insecure attachment which is why he seems obsessed.

    There's nothing you can do to ease his pain. I know people in this thread said his threat to kill himself was manipulative (and it could be), but it could also very well be true. Speaking from experience, when one has an insecure, unstable attachment, suicide does seem like a possible way out of having to deal with deep-seated abandonment. Don't hate him for it. He can't control how he feels.

    It's best for you though, if you leave. You aren't happy, so it's not fair to either of you to stick around. I'm sorry that you're in such a bind, OP. Best of luck to you.

    this

    and also, before you leave him, find out how your local mental health crisis system works, i.e who to call. Even if he makes just one threat to kill himself, call them and tell them that you're afraid he's going to try to kill himself. It sounds like he needs psychiatric help, and you're actually helping him by enabling him to get that. If he is just saying it to manipulate you, then you taking it seriously and getting the authorities involved might make him think twice about using that kind of thing as a threat again. But really it does sound like he has issues and could benefit from therapy/counselling. It's hard to tell on an internet forum how serious his mental health issues are, or whether he's really a risk of suicide, but by alerting the right people should he threaten to kill himself, you're ensuring he's safe if he's serious and if he's just manipulating you, well, he'll have to explain that to the authorities.

    I've had some quite serious psychiatric issues in the past, and what helps is getting professional help. Well meaning friends etc may try to help or sympathise, but really it takes a professional who knows what they're doing. If he's gone to the extent of threatening to kill himself if you leave, then either he's extremely manipulative or he's really hurting very badly inside, from issues that existed probably long before you met him, that you can't fix. Only he can fix it and in most cases only with professional help.

    TOTALLY this

    and I know he hasn't got a lot of family, but, is there maybe a sib he trusts/still talks to? you can let them know, too, if you're worried.

    beyond that, you are not obliged to sacrifice your life and wellbeing for his. it wouldn't work anyway.
  • Goin4goal
    Goin4goal Posts: 129 Member
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    My sister's husband of 6 years shot himself in the head a month ago. She had found out looking on his computer that he had been looking for casual sex through Craig's List. She left and came to stay with me. She would go home everyday to get clothes and check on her cats. On the third day, she walked in and he had shot himself. We've been dealing with the aftermath for a month now. He also had threatened and went through with it. Don't want to scare anyone, but it does happen. Not that I would ever have recommended that she had stayed with him. He was a nut from day one!! I never did care much for him at all. But never would have ever thought he'd go through with something like this. The only good that came out of it is the fact that he only took himself. I thank God for that every day!
  • leebesstoad
    leebesstoad Posts: 1,186 Member
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    this thread is almost a year old...

    but maybe that doesn't matter on a Saturday night on mfp ;)

    And it was revived by some now-deleted spammer trying to shill some "cast a spell on your boyfriend" crap. Yet here we go again. The OP hasn't posted here in 4 months. Hello, echo chamber??? lol
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
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    No I think the OP needs to understand that the grass is only greener where you water it. Also he sounds like an awesome guy, the guy most women clamor for. Yet she says thats not enough? clearly he is so invested in her that the the thought of her not being there makes him breakdown..Isnt that what women want?

    No, it's not what women want. Women want to love and be loved. If she's just not feeling the love anymore, that's hardly her fault. I'm sure he's a really great guy, but just not "the one" for HER.
  • runzalot81
    runzalot81 Posts: 782 Member
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    "blow his brains out"

    There's your problem. Leave now.

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