Spouses who don't share your fitness/nutrition goals

I feel your pain. My husband is diabetic so it is 100 times more important for him to get healthy. He could care less about what he eats and if he works out or not. If it wasn't for MFP I would go insane because I feel like im getting healthy on my own. I have no support when it come to my home life, I found myself throwing away all the junk food and refusing to buy it. I cant make him lift weights or work out but I can make sure he doesn't eat unhealthy in my house

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I think the toughness being given to the OP is a little harsh! I share EVERYTHING with my boyfriend of several years, and he shares everything with me (maybe not as thoroughly as someone with who understands the topic, but still). We make time to be interested in what the other has to say because it's something they're excited, happy, sad, annoyed, etc etc about. I couldn't imagine not having someone to share the stresses, struggles and successes of life with, completely, not just the parts they're interested in hearing about, so I understand where the OP is coming from wanting to share her fitness HOBBY with her husband. We all know wanting him to change is a completely different ball game and not something we can force upon another human being, but having your partner take interest in the life you have apart from them is nice. Imagine if you were a kid and you played soccer, and your parent didn't understand soccer so they never came to a game or helped you pick out new cleats - we could never imagine a loving, caring parent checking out and blatantly not caring about their child's loves! They would support them because of their unconditional love for them! I think the OP's husband turning a deaf ear to her is harsh, and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and block out that part of her around him. She can share it more extensively with others who are more passionate about it like her, but telling her to stop talking about it entirely is just sad for a relationship, imo.

If you aren't talking about work, or your hobbies, or what excites you (Your hobby), then why are you together? I have been married a long time and if I felt like I couldn't share my day with my wife, and hers with me, then I don't think I would be around long.

What else is there to talk about if it's not what we're having for dinner, or what is the gameplan for the night. With a healthy lifestyle, what's for dinner is pretty important, and hence falls into the hobby, and the other areas.

Maybe I am missing something.

The only person you can control is "you". Yes, it would be FANTASTIC if he were onboard with you but, he's not. I have to deal with similar issues with my husband, however, he is very supportive of my healthy lifestyle and will even try his best not to bring junk food in the house. As for not being able to talk about work or your hobbies, that sounds like a counseling issue that needs to be worked out. Your spouse should be your sounding board when no one else is there. Just my opinion.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I think the toughness being given to the OP is a little harsh! I share EVERYTHING with my boyfriend of several years, and he shares everything with me (maybe not as thoroughly as someone with who understands the topic, but still). We make time to be interested in what the other has to say because it's something they're excited, happy, sad, annoyed, etc etc about. I couldn't imagine not having someone to share the stresses, struggles and successes of life with, completely, not just the parts they're interested in hearing about, so I understand where the OP is coming from wanting to share her fitness HOBBY with her husband. We all know wanting him to change is a completely different ball game and not something we can force upon another human being, but having your partner take interest in the life you have apart from them is nice. Imagine if you were a kid and you played soccer, and your parent didn't understand soccer so they never came to a game or helped you pick out new cleats - we could never imagine a loving, caring parent checking out and blatantly not caring about their child's loves! They would support them because of their unconditional love for them! I think the OP's husband turning a deaf ear to her is harsh, and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and block out that part of her around him. She can share it more extensively with others who are more passionate about it like her, but telling her to stop talking about it entirely is just sad for a relationship, imo.

I completely agree!

Stop talking about it !

Same thing happened at my house ...... I just did my own thing ......

Until the old bugger got diagnosed with diabetes & wound up with two cardiac stents ...... now he watches what he eats & in fact, is losing weight faster than I am

Gotta love 'em ....... or get a divorce :laugh:

First off, I think it is impossible to assess OP and her relationship as a whole, because we are not there with her every day and don't see what actually goes on or doesn't go on, just based on this small blip of information.

Second, it depends on what level of distaste he feels for your fitness/diet. For example, my husband is not really interested in my fitness/goals, just like I'm not really interested in his guns. He still has his guns, but when he starts talking about them, my eyes glaze over. Vice versa. That doesn't mean we don't love each other and support each other's hobbies, but we try to find other people to talk about these things with, and we find other things to talk about that we share interest in.

If he is somehow hindering your progress or treats you badly when you try to be healthy/fit, that's wrong. If he just doesn't want to participate, I don't think there's anything you can do about it, and it may be wrong for his health, but from a relationship standpoint, it is not anything he's doing wrong. You two are just in different places about this issue.

I think when people decide to get healthy and then do it they can become over-zealous and because they enjoy it so much and see the benefits they want the people they love to do the same... ex-smokers often do the same.

The problem is that you had to reach a certain point in your life in order to make those changes... if your other half is not in that place then by talking about it all the time it can sound preachy.

Can you remember being overweight or bigger and having someone tell you about their weightloss or exercise and feeling like what they were actually saying was "you're not good enough"?! It's not what is actually being said but it is what you hear?????

When it comes to not talking about work etc... That's a tale as old as time!!! I come home and tell my husband the ins and outs of my working day - he gets a blow by blow account, I'm lucky if he's vaguely listening! When I ask him how his day was I generally get a "fine" in return!!!

Have you always had different interests? Has he always been untalkative with you? If so he's not doing anything different - it's you that's changed not him! He might feel very left out now? After all before you probably spent your time at home with him, cooking and eating after work - now you're probably at the gym. I'm not making a judgement or suggesting you stop, just trying to see the other side.

In terms of health, you might not be able to get him to the gym but it's normally (HUGE assumption here guys sorry) the woman who does the home cooking. My husband eats what I cook mostly so is there a way you could control at least some of his eating habits??????

Having different interests does not an unhappy marriage make... Not talking about problems such as this does!!! Talk to him about it. My Mum once said to me never corner a man when he comes in from work, she told me to bring up issues like this and normally it works wonders... (not so much if he's done something really annoying such as not changed the empty toilet roll tube... I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DOES THAT :grumble: !)))))

"I really want to talk to you about something that I think is important, when do you think we could have a chat?" Sounds simple but you're giving him at least an element of control over the conversation... which a lot of men need I think!

If gone on a bit here sorry but seriously...TALK TO HIM!!!!!!!!!! I hope it works out for you.

Nicole xx

Maybe I'm just lucky, but I think the toughness being given to the OP is a little harsh! I share EVERYTHING with my boyfriend of several years, and he shares everything with me (maybe not as thoroughly as someone with who understands the topic, but still). We make time to be interested in what the other has to say because it's something they're excited, happy, sad, annoyed, etc etc about. I couldn't imagine not having someone to share the stresses, struggles and successes of life with, completely, not just the parts they're interested in hearing about, so I understand where the OP is coming from wanting to share her fitness HOBBY with her husband. We all know wanting him to change is a completely different ball game and not something we can force upon another human being, but having your partner take interest in the life you have apart from them is nice. Imagine if you were a kid and you played soccer, and your parent didn't understand soccer so they never came to a game or helped you pick out new cleats - we could never imagine a loving, caring parent checking out and blatantly not caring about their child's loves! They would support them because of their unconditional love for them! I think the OP's husband turning a deaf ear to her is harsh, and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and block out that part of her around him. She can share it more extensively with others who are more passionate about it like her, but telling her to stop talking about it entirely is just sad for a relationship, imo.

I had a long response to this, but MFP ate it. Long story short, if I had to listen to my husband talk to me about his fantasy football teams everyday or some other hobby I don't get, I would lose my mind. I have things that I enjoy that my husband doesn't want to hear about. That's why we have friends that we can share these things with. Not everyone is going to love the same thing.

You are making it sound like she isn't able to share her emotions with him at all.

I may think differently than other posters here...

I agree that to each their own and everyone needs to do their own thing and be there own person. But I want my man and myself to make a life together. We are both overweight and both need to make lifestyle choices/changes and it is important to me that we do these things together. There are obvious reasons to this for the most part, mainly we eat together and we spend most of our free time together. But it does go deeper. I have a lot of weight to lose and some hard core lifestyle changes to make. I need his support not his derailment. I know that many people see it as something they need to do on their own and that's fine. But for myself, I need my fiance's support of my lifestyle changes and I want us to make healthier and better choices together, support each other, share in our hardships and successes.

I understand that not everyone wants the same, and I understand weight loss and fitness is touchy, but if you need support from your spouse, maybe you both could discuss ways that fit both of your lifestyles.

Now, my finace isn't my dumping ground, my girl friends, my journal, or my God. Though we are close and spend a lot of time together, there are certain things that I don't share with him because honestly, I get he doesn't care. I'm not talking about hobbies, or drama, or even crap at work (because he has his own crap). But for me, working out and eating healthy isn't a hobby...I mean it is no where near fun enough to be a hobby...but it is a necessity. I can't...well maybe I don't want to change my life and how I live it with a man who lives in an opposite direction. We are trying to change ourselves to be healthier, more active, live longer and start a family. We have to be on board with each other not derail the other person....

I have been married 33 years and in these later years my husband does not like to talk much or listen much at all.
At 55 he comes home from work, hits the couch, grabs the remote and off into TV land.

I know it is not all men but I believe most (do not like to talk about things the way most woman do). I heard Dr. Oz once say
something about if you want to tell a man something and you want him to pay attention try to put it into 5 words.

I see someone posted that a boyfriend of years, oh yes the boyfriend stage - very attentive at that stage and the first 5 to 10 years of the marriage also.

My husband is not interested in eating healthier but when I cook if it taste good he eats it. We just don't talk much about now I use ground turkey instead of hamburger and the chicken is always baked. If it taste good he does not need to know of all the healthy swaps I have made over the years. What a battle to get him from whole milk down to 1% but it happened. I just started buying 2% and let him complain and after awhile it was 1% and now he is use to it. He has no idea that he eats flaxseed in many of his meals

Is there a chance that he may not be happy at the idea of you doing work in a gym type environment? I am sure he would never admit to that but could that be a reason he is not on board?

I don't know about others but after all these years I have learned if I make a big deal about some life style change he will rebel but if I just quietly fit it in I rarely hear him complain. As far as exercise sometimes I set the remote across the room and he will walk over to get it LOL

I think it is rare that 2 people who share a lifetime are always going to be interested or into what the other person is but don't let that stop you from what you need to do for yourself.

This
Especially the last part, me and my hubby have been together 26 yrs he has always been supportive of my healthy lifestyle but was NOT on board though he lost 10 lbs just by me making healthier dinners recently after me doing mfp for 3 yrs and losing 115 lbs he joined mfp last month, he has even started walking and hiking with me. Hang in there you never know when he might take an interest but if not continue doing this for you.Find peopke on mfp that share your passion for living healthy and try to find something you and your husband can find that u both r interested in, i hope this helps..

Just my opinion...I believe being fit and healthy is a lifestyle, not just a hobby. It takes more than just a couple of hours out of my day to watch what I eat, plan my daily activities and participate in events that help me reach a PR. Especially when your passion for it is a stepping stone to a profession of it.

For years I was with someone who claimed they shared the same fitness interests goals as I did, but turned out to be stubborn and reluctant to be in any way supportive of me. My military career requires me to pass a physical fitness test and I was not doing so well since I didn't have any guidance in becoming healthy. Plus, I didn't have friends in my social circle that liked to work out. So after years of trying and becoming frustrated, I took a step back from asking my ex or any of my friends to go to the gym with me or try new and healthy foods. Soon, even I gave up on my work out schedule and my performance suffered. This lead to my career being in jeopardy, not to mention the relationship I thought I had. Fast forward a year later, subtract the ex and add a new look on life, I'm doing much better and mainly it is because I found someone who is very supportive of me and my goals in life. We are two completely different people with different capabilities and some interests, but our hearts are in the same place. Any differences in opinions, we discuss them openly and it all pans out.

This seems like more than just you gabbing on about working out, you want to pursue a career in fitness by applying for a certification. A career change is a big deal. You two need to discuss why he's so hesitant on being supportive of you. Yes, there are times where differences in people in a relationship don't need to be discussed, constant talk of work all of the time can bring negativity in your home but a lack in communication will lead to problems down the road. I also agree that it shouldn't be a big deal that he doesn't want to change his lifestyle, but there should be a compromise of some sort. Especially when you sacrificed your time to be a part of what his interests are, there should be a balance on his part too. If the mental and emotional support is lost in translation, this can lead to loss of interest in each other. Not to mention the physical attraction aspect of it. You two have made it 16 years, that doesn't mean you have to put your relationship on cruise control and just assume for the better when a problem comes up.

My husband was not "on board" mainly with certification, which hurt my feelings I suppose.

Does he not want you to do it or is he tired of hearing you talk about it? There's a difference.

If he doesn't want you to do it, is it because it takes your time away from him?

My SO is obsessed with weather and airplanes. He will literally interrupt me if I'm writing, reading a book, just about anything to INSIST I look at some airplane thing or weather thing or whatever it is that's fascinating him at that moment and be obnoxious about it if I don't drop what I'm doing and pay attention to HIS thing that doesn't interest me at all. If you're doing anything like that, I see your husband's point.

But if it's a matter of him wanting more of your time or something, you guys need to compromise. If he just doesn't care about what's happening in your life and mind, that's a bigger issue.