When you're going it alone

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2

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  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
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    The point is, it's not how your husband feels about you or himself that matters, it's how you feel about you.

    My partner doesn't care whatsoever what I look like, he loves me for who I am and is no less attracted to me now than he was 6 years and 4 stone lighter ago. But I'M not happy with me, so that's what spurs me on.

    Your husband, much like mine, would no doubt be happy as long as you are happy, so make yourself happy. It's your journey, no-one elses.
  • Gooddaytostart
    Gooddaytostart Posts: 22
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    I can relate to you very much. My husband says he supports me but temps me too and I have caught on. Here is the latest....."I don't want you to lose too much". REALLY? I weigh 223 lbs. I use to be a size 12 and over the years through "life" I have gained up to this. I am going to do it because of my health (which hasn't been good) and I want to look in the mirror and not freak out anymore because of the person I have let myself become. I was weak but now I am strong. WE WILL DO IT!
  • beachlover317
    beachlover317 Posts: 2,848 Member
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    the problem is you seem to equate someone other than yourself to be responsible for motivation of your goals...

    ^This right here....

    /endthread

    Agree. You either want it or you don't. NO one else can motivate you - like you.
  • NoeHead
    NoeHead Posts: 516 Member
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    My husband supports me and we go to the gym together, but when we go we rarely talk to each other. Simply because he has different goals. So unless I go to a fitness class I basically am by myself. I'm not sure for you, but I didn't want to go alone because I was afraid I'd look like an idiot trying to figure some things out. You may just have to get over it. Sometimes the best support is to let you do your own thing because it's then you realize you can do this and it gets to the point where you would rather do gym time solo.
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
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    First off it's not a "diet", diet denotes a temporary state.

    It's a lifestyle change.

    I do it to make myself feel better physically and emotionally.

    Ther is no better feeling than shriking out of those "fat pants".

    Watch Forks over Knives and Hungry for a Change, bothon Netflix.
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
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    You are looking for excuses...You should be doing it for you, not for anybody elses approval....
    what she said
  • mcibty
    mcibty Posts: 1,252 Member
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    sorry thought this was something different entirely…

    Naughty!

    My partner started the journey with me, then went a little off track, eventually qutting. I'm now smaller than her and she knows how much I go to the gym and if we eat together, we try to eat healthy stuff. Eventually she just gave in and she lets me get on with it. We either eat the same thing, or we eat differently. You have to kinda just take responsibility for yourself and if he likes it, great, if he doesn't... Oh well. It's YOUR journey. You can't blame others.
  • shinkalork
    shinkalork Posts: 815 Member
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    I'm in the same same situation.
    I train alone....My wife doesn't want to have anything to do with it (which i respect).
    We only see each others on dinner so...She eats healthy at dinner with me and eat whatever she wants after.

    It's just harder when she doesn't understand all the work and dedication i'm doing.....

    The trick is to put yourself in a bubble and do it..... you're doing it for yourself first anyway...I do it for my kids too, so I can be healthier and live longer etc...
  • harvo
    harvo Posts: 4,676 Member
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    sorry thought this was something different entirely…

    ^^^^^ exactly where many mind was...backs out of the room...
  • volleypc
    volleypc Posts: 134 Member
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    You don't have to go it alone. I am sure you have friends that care and that would love to workout, run, etc with you. If not you will meet new friends at the gym. I don't workout to look a certain way, I workout because I enjoy the way it makes me feel , I enjoy the extra energy level, I enjoy the way my mind is sharper and quicker when I am active, I enjoy looking back at the end of the day and seeing everything I accomplished, I enjoy the people I meet on the track, in the spin class, at the pool, I enjoy the fact that when I workout I pay more attention to what I eat, and I enjoy that fact that working out may be a positive influence on a family member or a friends.
  • Rarity2013
    Rarity2013 Posts: 196 Member
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    I felt a bit like this today. I have been working hard at diet and exercise for the past few months (not necessarily with mind boggling success, but I do look and feel better). My husband is quite overweight and unfit which he talks about constantly. He eats the same healthy dinners as me, but I prefer to exercise alone, I do still try to encourage activity, which he resists like you would not believe.

    He has been on a course the last two weeks with fully catered lunches. He's coming home, and when I want to make dinner, he makes me wait until later in the day because he's "eating lunch later". He told me yesterday that the reason for this is that he's eating two portions of lunch at the course, and then eating cake when it's served at the afternoon break.
    Throughout this course, he's made a big fuss about not being able to fit in the clothes he wants to wear to make a good impression and just in general about feeling fat and unattractive.
    I honestly don't know what he expects from me. I encourage activity, exercise (I said I'll go swimming with him, even though deep down, I really don't want to) and healthy eating.

    The bottom line is that that initial choice and motivation must come from that person. The willpower to stick at changes early on must come from that person and the habits that set you up for life must be the habits of that person. I might want my husband to be healthier and lose weight for his health, but I can't make that happen. In the meantime, I just have to choke down how bitter he's made me feel the last couple of days.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    I'm not going to give up on my own goals. I'm just frustrated that the man I'm spending my life with has none.

    this is a MUCH MUCH larger issue than "we just don't work out together"

    and I have been dealing with my BF- he wraps his life around mine currently- and I don't think he means too- I think he's just dedicated and because we are long distance- it just feels that way. But I made it clear to him he NEEDED to have his own goals and drives and motivations- whatever those were. I couldn't be bothered to spend my living my life at 90 MPH and living or being with someone who prefers 30 MPH. I can't do it. He's since being making an effort to make HIS life better and that's good enough for me.

    But THAT needs to be addressed.
  • CloudyMao
    CloudyMao Posts: 258 Member
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    My fiancé helped me feel comfortable with myself, and because i've felt happy about myself and he doesn't have issues with my weight I stayed that way for over a year. Back on track myself now, because I want to get to my GW and be healthy, and not have to deal with weight issues.

    He wants to stay overweight, and not alter his routine at all - completely his prerogative. I don't hold issue with his weight, he is happy - that makes me happy about him. He doesn't stick his nose into my business, and I don't stick mine into his.
  • jetlag
    jetlag Posts: 800 Member
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    Thank you all.. especially the last two posters.... Made me think a lot about my own feelings towards this.

    Is it possible to think about your goals as a hobby that doesn't require his participation? I mean, if you took up quilting, would you really expect him to want to do it too?

    I would say that as long as you can talk to him about it and share your victories (and get some commiseration when required), then is that big a deal that he doesn't want to exercise with you?
  • ProudMammaTo3
    ProudMammaTo3 Posts: 17
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    I totally get what you mean on a certain level. My husband use to not at ALL be into fitness even though I was trying so hard to lose the baby weight. We would eat different dinners and everything. He would tell me I would look hot in a potato sack, that's the kind of guy he was...didn't care. It's totally sad to say this...but I'm just being honest here.... I kept at it because I saw how other men looked at me, I got hit on more and more as I gained the confidence and lost the weight. Shallow, I know :x
    However that made my husband start to notice LOL. He started to make a change as well, now we are on this path together. Now I'm not saying go find other men to keep you motivated...but....worked for me lol.
  • missmidge84
    missmidge84 Posts: 100 Member
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    When I started this in October my husband didn't want anything to do with getting healthy. In fact he made me feel guilty about me taking my time away from him to go to the gym. He called me selfish for committing to my goals. It didn't take me long to realize I had to do it for me. Only I can motivate myself to change and grow as a person. Oh, and he's now my ex-husband, so there's that....
  • FakingFitness
    FakingFitness Posts: 325 Member
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    the problem is you seem to equate someone other than yourself to be responsible for motivation of your goals...

    I agree with this. I have no spouse. It's very easy to see that I am the only one included in my personal goals.
    You shouldn't be considering what your husband is doing or not doing.
    You don't have any more right to demand his support than he does to sabotage your goals.

    I think so many people expect someone else to make them happy or feel whole.
    In the end, each person is the only person who can make himself happy.
  • skinnyforhi
    skinnyforhi Posts: 340 Member
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    I think I get what you mean--it can be hard to stay in shape when you don't have a buddy (whether it's your husband, another family member or a friend). My partner and friends aren't into the same kinds of exercise as me and they don't like to workout (at whatever they do) as often. What worked for me was finding a fitness studio that was smaller (not the gym) and going to roughly the same classes each week. I don't feel alone anymore because I made friends there and I enjoy socializing for a few minutes before and after class. If that's an option, you might try that (or enlist a friend to try it with you). Other than that, I workout with my partner a lot of times when he does do an activity--his activities aren't my first choice but mixing it up keeps it interesting and challenging. Perhaps there's something your husband would enjoy that isn't a gym?

    As an aside, my biggest battle is that my partner is a trained chef and he is darn good at cooking! To tackle that issue, I started asking him to incorporate more plant-based foods into his reportoire. Or, sometimes, I let him tackle the main course and I prepare healthy sides.

    This is what works for me--good luck!
  • JasonAxelrod
    JasonAxelrod Posts: 58 Member
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    I'm tired of my mundane life, to be honest. My weight was the first factor in me becoming a reserved and extensively withdrawn, socially inept introvert. All of my self-esteem and self-worth issues stemmed from there and branched out into other parts of my life.

    I've gotten better over the years, but attacking this and making myself healthy, and thus being able to feel and see the person that has been stuck inside of a fat suit for most of my life, I think, is going to help me become the person that I actually want to be—the person that I am when no one else is around, whom before I could not bring myself to show to others.

    It's a slow process and is going to take a hell of a lot more than some weight loss in order to make a change that big, but it's my number one goal and is the main reason I'm doing any of this, even above my physical health. More of a doorway change than anything, but I want it and I want it badly.

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