When do the comments stop?

24

Replies

  • paxbfl
    paxbfl Posts: 391 Member
    I lost most of my weight by February. These days my close friends don't really comment unless to compliment me or ask questions about my fitness program. My family still comments... I just say that I'm at a healthy weight and will stay there. Usually they say "Well you look skinny to me." I reply "Well I trust the numbers more than perceptions." Because that's what it is - they are used to seeing me obese, so at a healthy weight I look "skinny" to them.
  • Mslmesq
    Mslmesq Posts: 1,000 Member
    The people in my family that have always been apt to make comments (my mother and sister) have only done so when I have put weight on, never when I lost it. I no longer have contact with either of them, not because of weight comments though. Those comments were some of the more benign they ever made in the course of them being extremely dysfunctional (and actually dx with personality disorders) people.

    The important thing to keep in mind is that anyone who violates your boundary (you have verbally told them you are uncomfortable with the comments), has crossed a line. Technically they bring it up because THEY have issues. They are not your issues as you are quite comfortable and happy with your own weight. This (the fact that it is their issues) however does not excuse their bad behavior. But, it does help to understand that something is wrong with them, not you.

    When someone crosses boundaries, there are a few ways to react. Imo, the best is to simply state the boundary: "Actually I am very happy with my current weight and feel good about it. You, however, are making me feel very uncomfortable with your comments and ai feel like you are trying to shame me and/or judge me. I would feel morecomfortable if we didn't talk about either of our weights and simply concentrated on enjoying our time together". (States boundary). If the bad behavior continues: "Listen, I have already told you I am uncomfortable with our weight being discussed as a topic. If you continue doing so knowing that it is making me feel bad, it will be better if I leave and we can get together another time when we can both enjoy the conversation". (States consequence of boundary violation). If the bad behavior continues you must follow through on the stated consequence. You must leave. Do so calmly and not in a huff. Simply say, "I see you are not taking my request to not discuss this seriously. It appears it will be better if we get together at another time". And leave! Do not let them say anything at this point to sway you to stay. It is past that. The next time they will likely stop the bad behavior.

    If dysfunctional people act like children, they need to be treated like children. It is the only way to get through to them. And please remember, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE..INCLUDING FAMILY..HAS THE RIGHT TO VIOLATE YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.

    Good luck to you and congratulations on your weight loss!
  • shirley_beans
    shirley_beans Posts: 65 Member
    I get the impression sometime that some of my family / friends want me to fail to validate their lack of fitness. I'm ok with that. Sounds arrogant, but it is what it is.

    This is, unfortunately, SO true.
  • AllonsYtotheTardis
    AllonsYtotheTardis Posts: 16,947 Member
    Plus people seem to think it's ok to grab and pinch and squeeze and point out every bit of pudge they might find. I've never really been a touchy-feely person in general, and when others get that way with me for the purpose of being critical instead of affectionate...highly annoying.

    My response to that would be "Please get your hands off me NOW. Thank you." Repeat as often as necessary. You don't have to let them treat your body as public property.

    ^^^This.

    It would only happen Once. I can guarantee, it wouldn't happen a second time.
  • Alma_Sana
    Alma_Sana Posts: 453 Member
    It has taken about a year for me...now the comments center around how long i think I can keep it off...

    I think that's where I am too. When I'm at work people don't say anything unless they haven't seen me. Mostly. Except for one person who said I'd put it back on, watched me take it off and is encouraging but I can see her just waiting for me to regain. And a very good friend who lost and regains and lost and regains and . . . seems annoyed I haven't. What can you do.

    My family tells me I'm too skinny. Thank god my Mom, too, realized I'm back to the weight I was when I was 20 - not back to something I've never been before.

    You have to let it slide off you like syrup off a duck. And yeah, that sometimes sticks. The less you react, the more they'll drop it. It isn't an interesting topic unless you make it one.

    Great advice :)
  • CarmenSRT
    CarmenSRT Posts: 843 Member

    Plus people seem to think it's ok to grab and pinch and squeeze and point out every bit of pudge they might find. I've never really been a touchy-feely person in general, and when others get that way with me for the purpose of being critical instead of affectionate...highly annoying.

    Uninvited touching? NO. Do whatever they did to you back to them. Ask them - while they're still in shock that THEY were touched uninvited - how they like it. Almost guaranteed they won't do it again.
  • bumblebums
    bumblebums Posts: 2,181 Member
    I am an introvert but not a shy person, and both uninvited touching and comments on my appearance annoy me, even (or perhaps especially) if they come from relatives. So I can only imagine dealing with this in two ways:

    1. Pinch them back, and say something equally obnoxious about their bodies. If this is not something you do, it should shock them and even cause them to consider what they just did to you. I have done this to male colleagues who have said inappropriate things about my appearance--namely, "Gee, Mr. White, you look so fresh and pretty in that new sweater vest!" That usually nips all the future comments in the bud.

    2. Look at them calmly and say, "Please do not comment on my appearance or touch me without asking for permission first." In those words. Again, that usually freaks people out; they will remember this encounter.
  • IndigoFlowers
    IndigoFlowers Posts: 221 Member
    I never had comments from my own immediate family, but from my great grandma and my boyfriend's family the comments never seem to stop!! I learned that I had to grow a thick skin around them.

    I'm so sick of weight comments now, I don't want to hear anything about my weight!! Whether it is positive or negative, I do not want to hear it :laugh:
  • MamaMaryC
    MamaMaryC Posts: 142 Member
    I am in the same boat. For years the comment was about "pushing away from the table". Now every time someone sees me they comment on how I need to stop losing weight. Funny... I have been in maintenance for 6 months now. I have even been told I need to gain a few pounds.

    I figure the only opinions I need to worry about are mine and my husband's. We both are the ones that have to see me naked and the other people don't have to live in my skin. :) Though at times, it does get to be too much and some comments do still hurt. I use positive self-talk.
  • hannamarie88
    hannamarie88 Posts: 231 Member
    I think no matter where you are, where you get to, where you've come from -- people will never change. Oh, you lost weight, but how long til you gain it back? Oh, your so fat, you should lose some weight. OMG you're too skinny, eat a sandwich.

    I don't and will never understand why people feel it necessary to speak to others directly about their body. They really don't have a right to do so. The old stand by: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it. ESPECIALLY do not touch me without my permission -- that's an excuse to punch someone in the face in my opinion, kinda.

    The only opinion that matters is your own! But people really need to shove off because they have no right to make such comments. Maybe they are trying to express concern, but really I think they are jealous.

    And to the OP: Congrats on getting to maintenance!!!
  • dym123
    dym123 Posts: 1,670 Member
    I'm so sick of weight comments now, I don't want to hear anything about my weight!! Whether it is positive or negative, I do not want to hear it :laugh:

    This is how I am now, though I'm not in maintence mode yet. It has finally stopped at work for the most part, but when I run into someone I haven't seen in awhile or even a few weeks, they want to keep bringing it up, even if I change the subjuct. This is me now, discussion over.
  • princessofredrock
    princessofredrock Posts: 382 Member
    I come from a large Italian family. If they told you that you looked good then you could probably stand to loose a few lbs! If they said you looked skinny and needed eat a plate of cookies or pasta then you were just fine! lol

    You can't walk on eggshells the rest of your life because you love your family! Be honest with them about your feelings! Someday they may get it!

    Congrats on your success! Great job maintaining! :wink:
  • In my case they don't ever stop but I've learned that it doesn't kill me to indulge when I'm with them, that way it doesn't seem like I have a stick up my *** and they are conscious that I'm in their view "eating", it doesn't mess up my weight as long as I stay active. It's not the best advice but I love my family and friends. I'm small frame and I've always had your problem with comments, especially after reaching my goal. You can't change others opinion of you but always do what makes YOU feel happy.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    People are crazy. Try to ignore them.

    The latest one for me is "Oh my gosh your weight loss makes you look really skinny on top, it's less balanced than before"

    yeah, before I looked like an apple shape and was in danger of more health problems and had a huge bum and huge everything. Now my actual pear shaped body has emerged. Deal with it. It is MY body.
  • coffeepuff
    coffeepuff Posts: 13 Member
    These comments are literally *verbatim* the ones I received this summer!!! I don't know why I kept the junk in my trunk and my upper half and hands got so bony, but thems the breaks. PLEASE STOP DRAWING ATTENTION TO IT CAUSE IT MAKES ME WANT TO HIDE IN A HOLE PLZ K THX.

    And the pinching!!! What is up with that!!! I have literally never pinched anyone in my life, why do people think that is ok???

    Also- I felt really self-conscious about my boobs (or lack thereof) all summer. 6 weeks later, the comments haven't changed, but I don't care as much? Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you about how long it takes for the comments to stop as I am new to this whole "healthy weight" thing, but maybe we can figure it out together. With (apparently) our bony hands. *makes claw* Rawr.
  • AllyCatXandi
    AllyCatXandi Posts: 329 Member
    Oh wow, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply (and to those of you who sent friend requests!) :heart: You guys are amazingly supportive and it means a lot that you were willing to share your stories and offer support.
    It has taken about a year for me...now the comments center around how long i think I can keep it off...

    I think that's where I am too. When I'm at work people don't say anything unless they haven't seen me. Mostly. Except for one person who said I'd put it back on, watched me take it off and is encouraging but I can see her just waiting for me to regain. And a very good friend who lost and regains and lost and regains and . . . seems annoyed I haven't. What can you do.

    My family tells me I'm too skinny. Thank god my Mom, too, realized I'm back to the weight I was when I was 20 - not back to something I've never been before.

    You have to let it slide off you like syrup off a duck. And yeah, that sometimes sticks. The less you react, the more they'll drop it. It isn't an interesting topic unless you make it one.

    Great advice :)

    Yep, well said. If people want to discuss how you're 'destined to fail' or other silly business, they can do it with people who are equally petty-minded :smile:
    the truth is it hurts that they are not more supportive BUT i kind of at this point ignore it. i am proud of how far i have come and excited to see what my results will be if i stick with my gym routine. i think the reason my cousins and aunts do it is because they all are very very much obese and they are jealous that i was able to change my entire life and stick to this and now be happy. misery loves company i guess. but keep your head up! keep doing what your doing :)

    You should be proud - congrats on your progress! I'm sorry to hear that your family's been giving you that reaction though. My immediate relatives are very health and fitness focused (my mum's idea of a good weekend involves a 17k run and two hours of tennis training), so they've always been supportive with regards to eating the right things and being active. But what you've done is break away from your family's bad habits, and I feel that takes a heck of a lot of strength.
    I get the impression sometime that some of my family / friends want me to fail to validate their lack of fitness. I'm ok with that. Sounds arrogant, but it is what it is.

    I have found that I am developing friendships with folks that are interested in fitness more than I had when I was fat. They don't question my weight. They encourage me to challenge myself with greater fitness goals. I like that better than "you're too skinny."

    Mm, I've found that the general nature of my friendship circles has changed as well. But the thing is, no one where I live now ever knew me as chubby - and I think that issue plays a part as well. It's just kind of a shame that the friends I have back at home still haven't had their perception of me shift just yet. I'm not defined as the ex-fatty at uni, and it's kind of shocking when I feel like that's the case back at home.
    I'm so sick of weight comments now, I don't want to hear anything about my weight!! Whether it is positive or negative, I do not want to hear it :laugh:

    THIS! THIS THIS THIS A MILLION TIMES THIS!!
    Uninvited touching? NO. Do whatever they did to you back to them. Ask them - while they're still in shock that THEY were touched uninvited - how they like it. Almost guaranteed they won't do it again.
    1. Pinch them back, and say something equally obnoxious about their bodies. If this is not something you do, it should shock them and even cause them to consider what they just did to you. I have done this to male colleagues who have said inappropriate things about my appearance--namely, "Gee, Mr. White, you look so fresh and pretty in that new sweater vest!" That usually nips all the future comments in the bud.

    2. Look at them calmly and say, "Please do not comment on my appearance or touch me without asking for permission first." In those words. Again, that usually freaks people out; they will remember this encounter.
    Meh. Just keep changing the subject. If they don't catch on... Tell them exactly what you told us... "There are more interesting things to talk about than my weight/size." .... If they STILL don't get the point.. Walk away. End of story.
    My response to that would be "Please get your hands off me NOW. Thank you." Repeat as often as necessary. You don't have to let them treat your body as public property.
    I assume the people who are pinching ad prodding areold? Old relatives for ever see you as a child and thus they want to see a fat happy baby. When I show my confidence i in my new shape, people finally stopped commenting on my weight loss. My suggestion is respond in a positive manner, get close and hug first and then move back into your own comfort zone (out of pinch range).

    Thank you for the advice everyone :flowerforyou: I will definately take it on board.
    I've actually found it's more from people my age that I get it from - if I haven't seen them in a while I have to brace myself for the unavoidable "OMG you lost weight!" comment. Which I can understand if it's the first time they've seen me. But since it's been this long since I hit maintainence, it's at the point where it's like, "Ugghh...yes yes, let's move on to other topics..." :laugh:
    My guess is that these people have always walked all over you. This is the time to put up your boundaries and stop them.

    This, I'll admit, hit home for me. I have no problem being assertive, but only when I have to be. And it's looking like this IS a situation where I will have to be, because clearly nothing short of blunt, putting-my-foot-down-ness is going to get the message through.
    Also- I felt really self-conscious about my boobs (or lack thereof) all summer. 6 weeks later, the comments haven't changed, but I don't care as much? Unfortunately, I don't have an answer for you about how long it takes for the comments to stop as I am new to this whole "healthy weight" thing, but maybe we can figure it out together. With (apparently) our bony hands. *makes claw* Rawr.

    FEAR OUR BONY HANDS OF DOOM! *evil cackle*
    ...though really, my hands have always been the same - and my mum has them, my grandma had them, so it's like "ARGH! Why are you picking the one thing about me that HASN'T changed to comment on!?" I've taken to telling people I come from a family of witches :laugh:

    No one should ever be made to feel like they have to justify being normal-sized. I lost a good bit of my boobs too, but since it's winter over here having to wear a million layers probably shielded me a bit. Summer will probably be interesting >.<

    ---

    Aaand I know there's probably a million people I haven't replied to here, but at the moment I just don't have time to respond to all of you. Nevertheless, thank you again for your input and sorry this post turned out so massive xD
  • ha- I relate. Currently about 119 pounds ( 54 kilos) and im 5' 1 ish ( one and a half to be precise and trust me at my height that half inch matters).
    'Your wasting away", oh my goodness- eat something.... youre crazy, stop doing so much.... youre going to the gym AGAIN- you went yesterday... have some cake - it wont kill you... do you EAT anything.

    Oh boy! I am definitely not underfed- I have muscles and I run half marathons. Back offffffff already lol.
    Do the comments stop? They damn well better cos I not impressed. No wonder society has obesity problems- people are healthy weight phobic
  • NickeeCoco
    NickeeCoco Posts: 130
    Plus people seem to think it's ok to grab and pinch and squeeze and point out every bit of pudge they might find. I've never really been a touchy-feely person in general, and when others get that way with me for the purpose of being critical instead of affectionate...highly annoying.

    My response to that would be "Please get your hands off me NOW. Thank you." Repeat as often as necessary. You don't have to let them treat your body as public property.

    This. People should ask before they touch you. Not only is it rude and invasive, but it could be considered assault. I know, that's taking it to a different dimension, but I think sometimes you need to be very firm and clear about how you feel. They may take offence, but you know what? That's their problem, not yours.
  • libranpixi
    libranpixi Posts: 6 Member
    I find that the best thing to do (more with family) is to embark on a loooong monologue about what you've discovered about weight loss, the exercise you've been doing, maybe what so & so celebrity has been trying, your latest colonic irrigation.... etc..

    If you do this every time you get comments or poked people will soon start to hold their toungues for fear of setting you off on one!!!

    I know my family are sick of me talking about it ! lol
  • mojohowitz
    mojohowitz Posts: 900 Member
    I get the impression sometime that some of my family / friends want me to fail to validate their lack of fitness. I'm ok with that. Sounds arrogant, but it is what it is.

    ^^^^^Not arrogant. Obvious, glaring, brazen, disappointing TRUTH.
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
    if someone grabs my flesh without asking, I go straight to threats of assault charges (which I would absolutely follow through on). I don't give a damn who they are, my body is MY body.
    ...which might be why people don't pinch me.
  • The view of what is a healthy weight in certain circles of people is so far off, that when they see someone who is actually healthy, they can't even recognize it.
  • trackmyday1973
    trackmyday1973 Posts: 393 Member
    Who cares about what other people think, if your happy with yourself and have that good self confidence then dont let them put u down. Sounds like they're jealous anyways. You know what they say..people that bully are insecure with themselves, and dont like to see other people happy.

    So true :)
  • jillianbeeee
    jillianbeeee Posts: 345 Member
    I am a size 6 now (down from a size14) and my mother still says I am fat. Not congratulations on how well I have done but you still could lose another 20 pounds! Yea, I know that but gees......lol I hope eventually the conversations will turn from what I am eating or how much more I need to exercise. Am looking forward to normal conversations with family members again. :)
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    I live in a small town with very friendly neighbors. They've almost taken the place of family since my own family is far away. However, they can get on my nerves, too. Everybody knows everything about you. I'm a 5'3" woman who went down from somewhere in the 180s to 145 pounds (and I'm still in the overweight category). I'm aiming for 130.

    Two comments repeated back to me this week from elderly (overweight) neighbors through a 3rd person: "I hope she isn't going to take this weight loss thing too far" and "I hope she's eating enough food and isn't starving herself."
  • JuantonBliss
    JuantonBliss Posts: 245 Member
    I get the same comments sometimes. My mom still constantly brings up how much weight I've lost and it's a bit annoying at times. I'm super bony also at my shoulders, hips and hands, although I don't get comments about it from people that I can recall; at least not anymore. I just kind of brush it off now because it's been awhile since I've lost the weight so it doesn't really matter to me anymore.
  • JuantonBliss
    JuantonBliss Posts: 245 Member
    I find that the best thing to do (more with family) is to embark on a loooong monologue about what you've discovered about weight loss, the exercise you've been doing, maybe what so & so celebrity has been trying, your latest colonic irrigation.... etc..

    If you do this every time you get comments or poked people will soon start to hold their toungues for fear of setting you off on one!!!

    I know my family are sick of me talking about it ! lol

    That's how my family gets when I start talking about being a vegetarian :laugh:
  • vswilliams
    vswilliams Posts: 13 Member
    People can really be so cruel and allow their jealousy to appear. I think it is really disheartening that you have people in your life who are rooting for you to fail, might be time to cut them. That's what I did lol I know that people are hoping and wishing behind my back that I would gain all my weight back; but the only way they can say it behind my back is if I am ahead :)

    Keep up the good work, you are beautiful!
  • vswilliams
    vswilliams Posts: 13 Member
    It has taken about a year for me...now the comments center around how long i think I can keep it off...

    People can really be so cruel and allow their jealousy to appear. I think it is really disheartening that you have people in your life who are rooting for you to fail, might be time to cut them. That's what I did lol I know that people are hoping and wishing behind my back that I would gain all my weight back; but the only way they can say it behind my back is if I am ahead :)

    Keep up the good work, you are beautiful!
  • HIITMe
    HIITMe Posts: 921 Member
    ran into an old nemesis recently on a trip back "home"... said person is related to my BFF....told my BFF that I must have cancer or something because I look horrible....(She wears no less than a size 24)

    my cousin who is a self-proclaimed medical expert has been telling my family that I am committing slow suicide and am hiding some secret fatal illness..... I lost the weight too fast for it to be anything else ( took over 18 months to lose 100 pounds, said relative saw me ONCE in that 18 month period)...She is a size 6-8 and used to being the skinniest person in my mostly obese/super-obese family

    and then there is another relative who swears my marriage is in trouble and Im doing all of this diet stuff to try & hold onto my man....
    my BMI is 24-ish.... I weigh more today than I did 6 weeks post-partum and much of my adult life so its not like these folks arent used to seeing me thin ( I had been overweight for last 10+ years but still)

    and folks wonder why I live several states away from these folks and loathe that I need to see them once a year
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