Scared of being slim

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  • Donald_Dozier_50
    Donald_Dozier_50 Posts: 395 Member
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    Sorry, I can't sympathize with this as I don't understand the reasoning at all.

    There are millions of skinny people who have no issue of eating anything they please who "can't sympathize with YOU AND I as THEY don't understand ANY JUSTIFICATION OF GAINING WEIGHT at all."
  • AndyBloot
    AndyBloot Posts: 31
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    The most insightful thread I've read so far
    Anyone who can't understand the way you fell is very lucky
    Sometimes just voicing it gets it out there and makes it easier to deal with - so well done
  • ElliInJapan
    ElliInJapan Posts: 284 Member
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    I guess the real question is: does it bother you the way you are and look now? Do you really want to change? Ponder on that for a while. If you do want to change, then don't let the fear stop you. It's normal to be scared of any big change in our lives. It will also take quite some time to become "slim" as you put it, so you'll have plenty of time to get used to it, rediscover yourself, and stop the weight loss wherever you feel comfortable enough.
  • joselo2
    joselo2 Posts: 461
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    Thanks for all the comments, really helpful, and it is reassuring to see I am not the only one experiencing this, like it isn't totally abnormal, just not often acknowledged.
  • VioletNightshade
    VioletNightshade Posts: 197
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    You're not alone. A lot of people won't get where you're coming from, but I've had the same thoughts, so I hear you loud and clear. I was thin as a child, but I hardly remember it since when I started putting on weight, it just kept coming and wouldn't stop. My entire adult life I've been... well... fat, and it doesn't seem to be real that I could be any other way. My weight, after a while, just kind of became part of how I identified myself, and getting rid of it seems as absurd in my mental map of myself that it seems to me like saying "Oh yes, I'm going to watch what I eat until I get shorter." A part of me doesn't believe it's even possible because it's all I've known- and it stops me from being in relationships. I know I've hidden behind my weight to avoid getting involved with anyone - "Who would want the fat girl?" (which was heavily reinforced by the only serious relationship I've ever had) - so I didn't have to take risks and such. It was my cushion against the world. Of course I don't get looked at, of course I don't get asked out, of course, of course, of course. It was something convenient and easy to blame for everything that I didn't like about my life. It was almost like a day-glow orange safety vest on a boat: yes, I look ridiculous, but I won't drown because I won't go under if something bad happens.

    I didn't even realize I was doing that until I came across a few posts on Post-Secret which hit home so accurately it was frightening and I'm a little ashamed to say that one of them brought me to tears (I'm not a crier). One of them had a line drawing of a thin girl standing alone facing towards the right side of the postcard and a bunch of guys walking with one girl in the opposite direction. It was cropped so that you could only see from about the armpit down, and said something along the lines of "I'm afraid to lose the weight because I'm scared I'll find guys still won't like me." and that's when I realized that I was punishing myself out of fear and allowing myself not to really live because I was afraid of falling and getting hurt. After being single for a very long time and not exactly being stoked about it, that's a very real fear for me, but on the other hand, I also found a post which read "If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done." It may sound silly to have something so odd have that much of an impact, but it did.

    Now I'm trying to replace the punishment mentality with one of "You're more likely to get what you want out of life if you position yourself closer to it." and deciding to move towards the person I want to be a little bit more every day. I'm not perfect, but I'm ok, and I'm getting better. Every step I take towards that better me is a step in the right direction. There'll be road-blocks. There will be stumbling, there might even be a few good episodes of me shooting myself in the foot while on the path, but come Hell or high water, it'll happen.

    Fear is no way to live. Yes, it potentially hurts more to put yourself out there, but what you have to weigh it against is how much the loneliness will hurt if you know you set yourself up for failure and never gave yourself a chance to have anything else. At some point you'll have to determine whether fear of the unknown is worse than fear of the inevitable (via self-fulfilling prophecy) and decide where you want to go. Get out there and live your life. Be the heroine in your story, not a side character.
  • goldiejoe
    goldiejoe Posts: 121 Member
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    I understand only too well. I was a very thin child - so athletic and slim. Then I was molested at 13. I started packing on weight from that point on. I stopped running and playing....and sat and sulked and slept (my dad always said "you stopped chasing boys and hoped they would chase you"). I never told them what happened to me until much later in life - a BAD decision.

    I went from size 3 in juniors to size 18 in plus by the time I hit senior year....then it kept going and going. I didn't want boys to find me attractive. I didn't want boys to come near me. Then I met a guy who was gentle, kind, and sort of a nerd...and I felt safe with him. I moved in with him a few years out of high school and we are married now for 12 years.

    I feel safe now. It has taken a LONG time to feel safe. Even marriage didn't do it at first.....it takes time. Trust yourself. Seek help. I feel safe, and I look forward to being the old/young me.

    Poignant. Your three paragraphs explain so much about MY life! Except for the last one where you feel safe...I don't feel safe yet, but thanks so much for sharing, because it is lovely to know that there is hope of recovery :smile:

    Statistics show that approximately 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys experiences sexual abuse at some point during their childhood. Know what that means to me? It means that I am not alone. I don't have to be isolated or consider myself unworthy or a freak or defective or undesirable or any of the other horrible labels I came up with in my loneliness and pain.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    This is something to think about. I know I had a lot of abuse growing up and then married into a bad situation my first marriage and even though bad, it felt comfortable. Same with food, not taking care of myself and overeating felt comfortable. I guess I got use to parents neglect and then neglected myself and I have had to learn to nuture and take care of myself not wanting to cause harm to myself.

    I think it did become my identity, cook for others, eat to socialize especially all the holiday eating. Now it is like what is in this for me. I had better take care of myself. No more neglecting me. How do you become comfortable with neglecting yourself, I guess it is a habit,all you have ever known. yep, no more neglecting me!

    feel kind of guilty taking care of myself, feels strange not to just take care of others. I guess fear of people calling me selfish or thinking oh well I don't matter. believing crap people tell you like just keep doing for others.
  • damask1988
    damask1988 Posts: 7
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    Just had to express it, part of me is stil hanging back with the weight loss because I am scared of being slim. I've always been fat ever since I was a child, and ever since about 16, I have been what could be classed as really quite exceptionally large. It's just how I know myself so part of me worries I'll lose part of my identity, even if it is a negative part. Being this size hasbeen helpful to me some ways, I guess it is protection, it makes me feel safe. It particularly made me feel a bit protected against relationships, and if this isn't TMI, sexual stuff. I know lotsa of people my size and bigger do enjoy these things but I guess I thought it'd make me less visable. It just makes me feel safe I guess, like people see me as innocent an things, maybe vulnerable because obesity is such an obvious sign of a personal weakness. I suppose I feel like people would be kinder and have less expectations of me (I don't think I am right about knder since I get alsorts of hate for my size!). I can't describe it well, sorry for such a rambling post. Just like, the thought of being slim scares me. Even now I can't see my goal as being anything less than still chubby, and even that seems scary. I don't know, just thoughts I am having. I am stll trying though because the other half of me would love to be slim.

    Embrace the fear and all of its physical tremors, like a rollercoaster ride or an adrenaline spike. It's not a bad thing.

    The sex thing will sort itself out. It takes people years to get anywhere close to knowing how to do it well. And then you change partners all of a sudden it's like you're a virgin again and have to start from scratch pretty much. So don't worry about intimacy.

    Enjoy the awkwardness of relationships because it is the mutual exploration and discovery of a new person who is also trying to discover you too.

    This rant seems to be an expression of reasons out of fear of rejection why the fat side of you doesn't want to change and wants to protect itself. Recognise it as just that-- and just let it go.

    When you're thinner people react to you differently. Same as days when you have makeup on or nice clothes and days when you don't.

    People also respond to shyness and usually mistake it as fear or avoidance of other people. It's hard not to take other people's shyness personally.

    When you lose weight you'll drop the shyness and suddenly you'll be a spring flower all blossoming and stuff.

    When I lost the first half of my weight loss goal and also opened up in other areas of my personal life, my mother said to me that she had never seen me so happy in my life. The happiness with myself and comfort with my body radiated and expressed itself in a ready confident 'This is me and nothing I'm trying to hide here anywhere', a simplicity that other people loved to see and that made THEM feel more comfortable too.

    I hope this experience helps. It was a real revelation for me. I wish you well!
  • albionjen
    albionjen Posts: 86 Member
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    It's a little different for me-but I am also somewhat afraid of being "slim"

    I just really don't know what I will look like. And most of my fear is from wondering if I will know when to stop.

    I also have a little of this going on. It was worse when I first started with the weight loss and now I think I have more of a handle on what I want out of it and how to face the fear of change.

    I have always been overweight (since about age 10) and so it is hard to picture myself being "slim". At the beginning I kept thinking things like "what if I still am not happy with my appearance, will I go too far" "will it cause problems with my relationship with my friends and family". Basically I just did not know how losing weight might impact on my life and that made me a bit scared to start with.

    Luckily it takes a looong time to lose a significant amount of weight so I have adjusted my ideas and found most of my fears to be unfounded. Loosing weight has changed my apperance and I doubt I will ever be perfectly happy with every part of my body. But that is OK! I realised that it is stupid not to change because you know you won't be perfect. For me it is OK not to aim to be a bikini model and just be happy to be fitter and stronger than before. Yes losing weight has changed how people relate to me, but usually in a good way like being encouraged to get involved in a long charity cycle ride with people at work and my parents seeming less worried about my health. I have not had a single bad response from anyone being weirded out by how much I have changed these last few months. Just plenty of curious questions about how I am doing it :)

    So the short version is I think it is normal to feel a bit scared, especially if you have always been overweight. But you will probably find you can cope with your fears along the way (with help if needed) and realise that it is worth while to make a start even if you don't know where it will take you!
  • BrownKibbe
    BrownKibbe Posts: 17 Member
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    I haven't read your other posts and really just started today but wanted to let you know that I believe this fear has been part of my problem with losing weight, also. My story was different but I was tiny growing up...65 lbs in 6th grade; 85 lbs at 16 years old; 95 lbs at graduation and married at 27 years old, weighing 112 lbs.

    I slowly, but surely, cut my hair, gave up contacts for glasses (and those huge, round frames from the 80's yuck!) and of course, gaining weight. As I gained weight, was happy in my marriage and went on to have 2 wonderful daughters, I changed...a lot. I went from being an immature, Barbie-shaped, nice-looking woman to a dumpy, frumpy housewife.

    After having the kids, I let my weight go up each time but have tried every diet out there, every pill, etc. In the last 5 years or so, I've really tried exploring the "why". Why I can't seem to lose weight quickly; why I can't lose it easily; why does everyone else lose more, etc. I started looking inside myself to try and see the why, when, what and how of why I have absolutely no willpower at all when I used to seem to have so much.

    Since I've done some soul-searching and really looking back, I think that I always had male attention, always. In an annoying, scary kind of way and when I got married, I was so ready to be free of that. That may sound weird, but I believe it's true. I grew up a lot late twenties and more so after I married and again, so much more, after having children. I changed as a person and wasn't so *****y anymore, but actually became "sweet"....and funny, and I mean noticeably funny.

    4 years ago, I broke my ankle, was having marital problems, then diagnosed with breast cancer, bilateral mastectomy and my husband took a job in St Louis, moving me from my home, Texas...in the middle of breast cancer treatments. I was pretty out of it for a long time but gained more weight so I did the HCG Diet, lost 23 lbs, super happy but then sabotaged myself after that and gained not only that back but another 25. I know, I know...what was I thinking???

    Being only 4' 11" tall is hard because there's just no place for the 210 lbs I'm carrying to go BUT I've never been a better person, happier with myself, my life, etc. than for these last 5 - 10 years. Weird, huh? To be so tiny and cute when I was younger, but completely bereft of self-esteem and then get fat as all get out, but be so secure with what's on the inside. Well, beat of a different drummer and all that could be my life! Ha!

    I think I don't want to lose weight because I'm afraid of losing "me". The new me that's funny, jolly, happy and has such a wonderful relationship with my daughters, husband and few friends made here in St Louis. Unfortunately, even though I have more confidence in myself and am a positive person, I'm also 48 years old and my joints are starting to hurt. I'm starting to really feel the weight and it's affecting my health, also.

    I'm going to have to figure out how to make my shell match my new personality, how to meld them together and I think that's what you're going to have to do, too. I'm not sure a lot of people understand this, but wanted to let you know that I think I do.

    Kristi B.
  • themommie
    themommie Posts: 5,002 Member
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    I can relate. Try breaking your weihht loss fown to 10lbs at a time, then the end resukt isnt do scary and overwhelming.aldo try focusing on your health, counselingwould probably help alot also, good luck
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    I know I am dealing a lot more since I am slim which is scary. It is a good thing but much easier to medicate with food. I guess alcoholics and drug users feel this way. I have had to let go of some toxic people, distance myself from some family membes which Is scary and make new friends, it is easier to stay in staus quo. Yep, problem solving has been hard for me and confrontation but I am doing it and it is well worth it but it is easier being fat and not dealing (not really, just seems that way ) Like someone said pick your hard, being fat is a hard life and I pick being slim and dealing even if it is hard and yes scary.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    Just had to express it, part of me is stil hanging back with the weight loss because I am scared of being slim. I've always been fat ever since I was a child, and ever since about 16, I have been what could be classed as really quite exceptionally large. It's just how I know myself so part of me worries I'll lose part of my identity, even if it is a negative part. Being this size hasbeen helpful to me some ways, I guess it is protection, it makes me feel safe. It particularly made me feel a bit protected against relationships, and if this isn't TMI, sexual stuff. I know lotsa of people my size and bigger do enjoy these things but I guess I thought it'd make me less visable. It just makes me feel safe I guess, like people see me as innocent an things, maybe vulnerable because obesity is such an obvious sign of a personal weakness. I suppose I feel like people would be kinder and have less expectations of me (I don't think I am right about knder since I get alsorts of hate for my size!). I can't describe it well, sorry for such a rambling post. Just like, the thought of being slim scares me. Even now I can't see my goal as being anything less than still chubby, and even that seems scary. I don't know, just thoughts I am having. I am stll trying though because the other half of me would love to be slim.


    YEAH! Same ol' crazy "Theories" Many Obese - Past and Present use for NOT getting HEALTHY. Every kind of psychological, emotional and spiritual ploy to get "out of it". It ain't fear or emotional eating or whatever...when YOU get enough of the "world" beating you up or when your Body lets you down you WILL find the where-with-all to get it done...then ALL the Excuses and Rationale will drop.
  • IsMollyReallyHungry
    IsMollyReallyHungry Posts: 15,350 Member
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    Bump! Will respond later but this is very valid for many of us and I know it is true for me too!!
  • joselo2
    joselo2 Posts: 461
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    YEAH! Same ol' crazy "Theories" Many Obese - Past and Present use for NOT getting HEALTHY. Every kind of psychological, emotional and spiritual ploy to get "out of it". It ain't fear or emotional eating or whatever...when YOU get enough of the "world" beating you up or when your Body lets you down you WILL find the where-with-all to get it done...then ALL the Excuses and Rationale will drop.

    Oh just go away, I cannot be bothered with this. I am not making excuses (I bet i've lost more weight already than YOU!), just exploring feelings affecting me as i go along.A lot of people have found this thread helpful. Maybe you don't understand. Best you just go instead of being judgemental and annoying. I do wonder if some thin ppl just upset at the thought that fat people dont always 100% want to emulate them, that it's complex.

    I am glad I am not alone in this. Really interesting to hear other people's experiences and how they dealt with it. Well done the person who got down from 560lbs!! xxxxx
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    YEAH! Same ol' crazy "Theories" Many Obese - Past and Present use for NOT getting HEALTHY. Every kind of psychological, emotional and spiritual ploy to get "out of it". It ain't fear or emotional eating or whatever...when YOU get enough of the "world" beating you up or when your Body lets you down you WILL find the where-with-all to get it done...then ALL the Excuses and Rationale will drop.

    Oh just go away, I cannot be bothered with this. I am not making excuses (I bet i've lost more weight already than YOU!), just exploring feelings affecting me as i go along.A lot of people have found this thread helpful. Maybe you don't understand. Best you just go instead of being judgemental and annoying. I do wonder if some thin ppl just upset at the thought that fat people dont always 100% want to emulate them, that it's complex.

    I am glad I am not alone in this. Really interesting to hear other people's experiences and how they dealt with it. Well done the person who got down from 560lbs!! xxxxx

    It's not thin people that don't understand and heavy people that do. It seems pretty split. It's just the nature of the internet. People don't always understand other people's emotional issues. What you said rings a bell for some of us, regardless of weight because it can be applied to other coping mechanisms (and we have also seen friends go through it). I've always been thin (very small actually), but I understand the feelings behind the emotions you expressed and I understand how it relates to a successful weight loss (or to all areas of emotional health).

    But, I think this is a good response! And good for you to be doing the work physically, mentally and emotionally. Not everyone needs that, but some people do. :drinker:
  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
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    I totally understand the feeling that your fat protects you from some things in life you don't want to deal with. It's amazing how invisible you become when you're fat (unless you're in someone's way, of course) and there's a lot of comfort in being invisible. I am dealing with some of the same issues now that I'm losing the weight, and I have to keep reminding myself that just because I get more attention now than I used to, that doesn't mean I have to actually DO anything with that attention. I can usually ignore them as much as they used to ignore me when I was at my fattest. And you'd better believe that I have no high opinion of people who suddenly think I'm more interesting now that I'm losing the weight, when they wouldn't have even noticed I was there just a few months ago. I think that alone is going to keep from jumping into any relationships any time soon- all I have to do is ask myself what they would have thought if they'd met me at my heaviest, and *poof* they disappear.
  • flumi_f
    flumi_f Posts: 1,888 Member
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    Glad if I can help people understand. People don't imagine that anyone would on any level want to be fat but I guess it is true, something must be keeping us this way!

    I'm 44 and like you have been overweight since always. When I tried to lose weight it always worked for a while and at 75kg I got stuck. The last few years I have focused more on my innerself and my soul than on the weight loss. All of a sudden I stumbled over the right way of eating for myself and am melting. After 4 months I have lost 14kg and am at 72kg and going strong. I haven't been this 'light' since about 30yrs.

    Weight is often a kind of protection. IMO your body will start to let go, when your soul is ready. Sometimes it's necessary to clean up and get rid of other 'baggage' before you can lose the weight. I got help from the right people and solved my problems with a therapist / coach. Which ever way you go, it could help if you consult a professional to talk to.
  • Duck_Puddle
    Duck_Puddle Posts: 3,224 Member
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    I'm terrified of having a nice home to raise a family in and earning a degree in the field of my interest.

    Oh, wait, no I'm not, because that makes no sense. :huh:

    I'm not sure what this post is about...do you have a question we can help you with? Because no one can maker you WANT or be excited to be slim. That comes from within.

    It would be nice if weight loss and fitness came in the neat package you seem to think it comes in. For people who have always been larger than average (all the way back to birth) it is a bit of an adjustment to be small and it's not as easy as you may think to adjust.

    Over a decade ago I was at my heaviest and lost 115 pounds through diet, exercise and a lot of determination but never learned to recognize myself in the mirror and always felt uncomfortable in my new body...it wasn't the me I remembered at all. I ended up putting on weight just to become something I recognized again. I never gained it all back but I gained way more than I should have and yoyo'd in size over the years so I'm here getting healthy both inside and out so this time I can learn to accept the thin person staring back at me from the mirror.

    If you have never been in this position than you wouldn't understand but this is a real issue for people. My identity is being friendly, jolly, and chubby...I've never known anything else and it's scary to change that. Just part of the struggle for some of us and it IS real.

    All of this^. Except, I have been large only as an adult (and the entire time I've been an adult). And the "fear" didn't stop me from doing the work and losing the weight, but I now find myself in a very uncomfortable place. I don't recognize me, it's unsettling looking at me, I don't know how to live in a size 6 body. I just don't. I don't want to gain the weight back, but I feel like a complete stranger to myself, and it's extremely uncomfortable. It took me almost a year to not see morbidly obese me in the mirror (a year after I lost the weight). I thought that was the big hurdle-once I "saw" skinny me, I'd be good. Turns out that was just the beginning of a whole new set of issues.

    I'm thrilled for all the people that didn't have any emotional struggles with seeing the results or accepting the results or learning to live a whole new life. And I wish I was one of those people, but I'm not. I just hope and pray that I can eventually figure it out.
  • agdyl
    agdyl Posts: 246 Member
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    I'm terrified of having a nice home to raise a family in and earning a degree in the field of my interest.

    Oh, wait, no I'm not, because that makes no sense. :huh:

    I'm not sure what this post is about...do you have a question we can help you with? Because no one can maker you WANT or be excited to be slim. That comes from within.

    It would be nice if weight loss and fitness came in the neat package you seem to think it comes in. For people who have always been larger than average (all the way back to birth) it is a bit of an adjustment to be small and it's not as easy as you may think to adjust.

    Over a decade ago I was at my heaviest and lost 115 pounds through diet, exercise and a lot of determination but never learned to recognize myself in the mirror and always felt uncomfortable in my new body...it wasn't the me I remembered at all. I ended up putting on weight just to become something I recognized again. I never gained it all back but I gained way more than I should have and yoyo'd in size over the years so I'm here getting healthy both inside and out so this time I can learn to accept the thin person staring back at me from the mirror.

    If you have never been in this position than you wouldn't understand but this is a real issue for people. My identity is being friendly, jolly, and chubby...I've never known anything else and it's scary to change that. Just part of the struggle for some of us and it IS real.

    All of this^. Except, I have been large only as an adult (and the entire time I've been an adult). And the "fear" didn't stop me from doing the work and losing the weight, but I now find myself in a very uncomfortable place. I don't recognize me, it's unsettling looking at me, I don't know how to live in a size 6 body. I just don't. I don't want to gain the weight back, but I feel like a complete stranger to myself, and it's extremely uncomfortable. It took me almost a year to not see morbidly obese me in the mirror (a year after I lost the weight). I thought that was the big hurdle-once I "saw" skinny me, I'd be good. Turns out that was just the beginning of a whole new set of issues.

    I'm thrilled for all the people that didn't have any emotional struggles with seeing the results or accepting the results or learning to live a whole new life. And I wish I was one of those people, but I'm not. I just hope and pray that I can eventually figure it out.

    I can relate to this too. And luckily, I've never been extremely overweight, but I do know that I've experienced fears about losing weight that are related to a combination of the "safe" feeling that comes with being bigger than average and dealing with more unwanted male attention when I'm thinner. And I've been reminding myself of friends that I have who are tiny but fierce and telling myself regularly that it's all in my imagination that I'm "safer" being bigger. But I'm not entirely sure that it is in reality and I've just continued counteracting that with being fit and muscular.

    I'm within 5 or so pounds of my goal weight now. And my success has come mainly from focusing on how much better I feel when I eat healthy foods, and really listening to my body. I didn't even realize that I was having reactions to some foods before because I had just assumed that the way I felt before was how I was supposed to feel. And overall, now I feel pretty amazing, so I can't imagine going back to where I was before.

    But I do still have moments where I hardly recognize myself in the mirror and have negative, worried thoughts creep in. I think it's common if not totally normal. If you find that it's a big enough stumbling block that it's stopping your progress, then I'd get some therapy to deal with it. Otherwise, I do think it's not unusual, despite the fact that people who haven't experienced it often don't get it at all. It's not good to use it as an excuse to be unhealthy, but dismissing it as nothing but an excuse isn't helpful.

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