Difficulty taking advice from girlfriend on weight loss

x1v16
x1v16 Posts: 66
in Health and Weight Loss
My girlfriend and I have a tumultuous relationship when it comes to diets and food. She has anxiety issues and my going on a diet causes her a great deal of stress. Sometimes she expresses this in negative ways, like asking me not to exercise in the house because she doesn't want to know about it, or not letting me use her equipment, or being a pain in the butt when I have to do diet related activities around her. Unsurprisingly this makes me feel like she is very unsupportive and makes me staying on a diet harder. After a while she calms down and it isn't as big a deal, but lately she's been trying to be more supportive by giving me advice. I can't seem to get over how she was acting initially so every piece of advice I hear I process from the standpoint of a defensive person who thinks she has ulterior motives like encouraging me to fail. Today while talking she found out this is how I feel and was quite upset I didn't trust her supportive words were meant and not just fake or counter-productive.

How can I get over how she made my dieting life extremely difficult and take the kind words at face value. When she tells me "It's ok that you messed up, or it's ok to mess up sometimes, or asks if I can eat something nice with her I have a hard time not believing she wants me to stop dieting.
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Replies

  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Is she a larger girl? If so, it could be insecurity making her afraid to face the reality of her own weight issues and seeing you do it is a constant reminder.

    What sort of advice does she give you?
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
    Whoa buddy. Either she needs to see a counselor for her issues or you need to separate yourself from that relationship.
  • MandyLion76
    MandyLion76 Posts: 45 Member
    Yeah, I'm thinking along the same lines as Whierd...

    My husband sabotages my strength to stay on course and continue making healthy choices, frequently.

    It sucks and its hurtful, and sadly I have no advice for you...I do know how hard it is and offer my sympathy.

    Keep doing you! You deserve to be healthy and confident!
  • keithmustloseweight
    keithmustloseweight Posts: 309 Member
    Keep in mind unless she has read up about things, she is potentially also spouting girl-science
  • SteelySunshine
    SteelySunshine Posts: 1,092 Member
    Whoa buddy. Either she needs to see a counselor for her issues or you need to separate yourself from that relationship.

    That is my go-to advice.
  • supplemama
    supplemama Posts: 1,956 Member
    My girlfriend and I have a tumultuous relationship when it comes to diets and food. She has anxiety issues and my going on a diet causes her a great deal of stress. Sometimes she expresses this in negative ways, like asking me not to exercise in the house because she doesn't want to know about it, or not letting me use her equipment, or being a pain in the butt when I have to do diet related activities around her.

    Wait...what?

    She doesn't want to...know about your exercising...huh?

    My mind is blown. I'd thought I heard it all. My goodness. :noway:

    Does she truly not understand that this is abnormal and indicative of disordered thinking? I too think therapy is in order. Have you suggested counseling to her?
  • meltedsno
    meltedsno Posts: 208 Member
    She's feeling insecure... you can try reassuring her that your desire to lose weight and get in shape is for your own health and your feelings for her are not dependent on your weight. Or it could be that, in her eyes, your social life may change, if your eating habits change as well. There are some people (both men and women) who think that as soon as a significant other/spouse begins to make changes in their diet and exercise program -- not sure how you can reassure her but what ever you do, do not let her insecurities thwart your efforts.... you will both end up miserable.. good luck
  • MuseofSong
    MuseofSong Posts: 322 Member
    I"m wondering if she's worried about losing you. Or, maybe she's just really afraid of change.

    I don't know if there's a winning hand here. Some people get annoyed if their partner tries to help them. Some people get annoyed if their partner ignores their efforts to change.

    But, since it started out so negative, I understand why you're a bit gun shy now. However, you shoulda known what kinda freak she was when the relationship started, and you either love her anyways or you don't. ;) We pick our poison when it comes to our relationships. IF you still love her, try to let go of the negativity and appreciate it when she tries to be supportive.

    If you are falling out of love with her, well, that's a different ball game and has nothing to do with your diet and more to do with your relationship.

    Regardless, do what's best for you. Exercise if you want to imo. She knows where the door is if she doesn't want to be around when you exercise. She can find a hobby.
  • herblackwings39
    herblackwings39 Posts: 3,930 Member
    She was hurt that you don't believe her kind words. Did you try explaining how her anxiety affects you? When someone freaks out over exercise or diet related things then suddenly swings around to being helpful I can understand how you'd mistrust it. Be truthful with her.

    Oh, and it is okay to mess up. Everyone does it from time to time. That much is true.
  • Jewlz280
    Jewlz280 Posts: 547 Member
    Well, it could be one of two things, honestly. It could be she's nuts and just acted crazy and now she's acting. OR, It could be that in the beginning she was worried that YOU would change once you went on a diet and she got on the defensive. Then she realized that she was being nutty and decided the best way to keep you and help you was to well, help you by being supportive. Sounds like you two just need to sit down and talk. Like, really talk without getting angry and settle it. It can be hard to go through this with someone who has trust issues or self esteem issues. Heck, even though it was me losing the weight, I've had trust issues with my hubby! Like, well, is he going to cheat because I've lost 50lbs. and my skin looks different? People are weird and react differently in different situations. But the best way to choose a course is to sit down and talk over the different paths. Hopefully she just freaked out a bit and now her intentions are genuine. If not... well... you may want to consider moving on. It is NOT healthy to be in a relationship where only one can be the 'star'.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Whoa buddy. Either she needs to see a counselor for her issues or you need to separate yourself from that relationship.

    This...
  • janicelo1971
    janicelo1971 Posts: 823 Member
    asking you to not exercise around her and being unsupportive all around in general?? why be around her? your not married(stuck) with her and I would think you would want support in your life...not someone to drag you down and encourage you to continue to put your heath at risk and be obese...sorry, I just have no tolerance for negative nasty people that you are displaying her to be
  • Hildy_J
    Hildy_J Posts: 1,050 Member
    Hey,

    Anxiety issues about what YOU do? Sounds a bit controlling.

    Perhaps she doesn't want you to lose weight because then you'll find someone else - ie she's concerned about how your behaviour impacts on HER. Which sounds very selfish.

    Or maybe YOU are the spanner in the works, here. There are two sides to every story and who knows what you're like to live with?

    The fact you've come on here criticising her behind her back isn't great either, you know. Disloyal. I'm uncomfortable with the implication that she has mental health issues. It's the 'go-to' technique used by those men who want to discredit their partners.

    Do you bad mouth her to anyone who'll listen? Are you trying to isolate her - is it a power struggle: a game where you MUST be the winner? If it's this then I'm on her side!

    All the best x
  • mockchoc
    mockchoc Posts: 6,573 Member
    Hey,

    Anxiety issues about what YOU do? Sounds a bit controlling.

    My guess would be that she doesn't want you to lose weight because then you'll find someone else - ie she's concerned about how your behaviour impacts on HER. Selfish in the extreme. I'd want out of that one - but that's just me!

    That's my bitter and twisted view anyway, for what it's worth. :-)

    Good luck! x

    edit: On the other hand.... who knows what you're like to live with. The fact you've come on here criticising her behind her back isn't great either, you know. Disloyal. Do you bad mouth her to anyone who'll listen? Are you trying to isolate her - is it a power struggle: a game where you MUST be the winner? If it's this then I'm on her side!

    All the best x

    Yep! You only get one life. Look after your health.
  • glowgirl14
    glowgirl14 Posts: 200 Member
    Sounds like you two need to have an honest talk. None of us can give you real advice because we don't get where she's coming from. Figure out why she was so upset. Is it the change? Is she afraid of losing you? Is she a big girl who will feel bad about herself if you succeed while she hasn't?

    As some have already said...you must love her, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. You guys need to talk. There are solutions to every problem. And the solution is not to be found HERE, but with her. You need to be able to trust each other or the relationship isn't going to last.

    Talk to her.
  • Hannah_Hopes
    Hannah_Hopes Posts: 273 Member
    It sounds a lot like insecurity especially if she has weight issues/issues with food you don't know about. saying things like it's ok that you messed up and asking to go out for a nice meal or something is perfectly fine, because messing up one day or having a meal out doesn't mess up weight loss as long as it's not all the time.

    On top of her own in security with her weight/food issues if she has them it may also be a fear of losing you when you lose the weight and get fitter - it happens,

    I think you just need to reassure her ask what is making her anxious etc, Talk to her! We can all speculate but you know her best and only she knows what is making her feel like this.

    :flowerforyou:
  • MyJourney1960
    MyJourney1960 Posts: 1,133 Member
    Whoa buddy. Either she needs to see a counselor for her issues or you need to separate yourself from that relationship.
    this^^
  • samammay
    samammay Posts: 468
    My wife does similar, although less obvious things. She has said to me in the past that its important for her to be the hot one in the relationship (and she is) but she has 30 or 40 pounds to lose and dreads it. Seeing me doing so both makes her very happy and fills her with anxiety as well.

    Be strong and firm. Tell her this is what you are doing for you and if she cant be on board with it, either stfu or gtfo.
  • Nissi51
    Nissi51 Posts: 381 Member
    Counselling required
  • TheOneandOnlyPanda
    TheOneandOnlyPanda Posts: 19 Member
    She's sabotaging you.
  • annakow
    annakow Posts: 385 Member
    She needs help. serious one..get a counselling for her
  • CollieFit
    CollieFit Posts: 1,683 Member
    Your profile suggests that your OH is in the same boat as you weight wise and she's 10 years older with 2 kids.

    Do you think her anxiety might stem from a combination of her not being ready to address her own issues, plus being very insecure and worried to lose you?

    I agree you (she) needs help.

    It's pretty selfish to prefer you stay overweight and unhealthy just so that she doesn't get herself into a state.
  • JaxDemon
    JaxDemon Posts: 403 Member
    Not sure I could live with such a negative person so I would leave tbh.
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    I don't know your girlfriend personally, but it sounds like she may be insecure about you leaving her once you lose all of the weight.
  • lilbearzmom
    lilbearzmom Posts: 600 Member
    This is probably going to sound awful, but how could you truly love and care about someone and NOT want them to become healthy and extend their life? She sounds unbelievably selfish, insecure, and immature. Why in God's name do you put up with it?
  • WaterBunnie
    WaterBunnie Posts: 1,371 Member
    Your weight loss is your problem not hers, perhaps it'd be better to just take it on on your own rather than count on her support?
  • emilycarr71404
    emilycarr71404 Posts: 176 Member
    Sounds like you need a better girlfriend! It doesn't sound like you have an equal relationship with her. I'm sure that she can depend on you to be there for her but not the other way around. Do you really want to be with someone who you have to baby so much?

    I couldn't be successful with this lifestyle change if my husband wasn't my biggest supporter. But on the other hand, I want to say that I think it is great that you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself regardless of what your gf is doing. You need it for you.
  • pspenc90
    pspenc90 Posts: 15 Member
    So I read in your profile that your girlfriend is in the same boat as you weight wise and older than you with two kids. She probably feels that if you lose weight you will leave her. Try reassuring her that you are sticking around no matter what. Try suggesting that you two work together to create a healthier lifestyle.
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,474 Member
    time to get a new chick
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    Keep in mind unless she has read up about things, she is potentially also spouting girl-science

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