What to do about my beer loving hubby?

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  • simsburyjet
    simsburyjet Posts: 999 Member
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    you need to go to alanon.. .they will give you answers..
  • nomeejerome
    nomeejerome Posts: 2,616 Member
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    Just to throw this out there…..
    Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior, I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.

    OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.


    Do you think we have not "chatted" about this issue to death? We have talked, fought, yelled, calmly spoke, etc for years. He won't even talk about it now, he cuts me off and puts up the wall. I am asking strangers what they would do, as everyone close to me is close to him, so they have emotions tied to the situation. I know he has a problem with it, diagnosable or not, I am not looking for answers to help him, I'm looking for objective ideas to help myself and my kids. And I've gotten quite a few.

    You said you were starting counseling on Monday…… that sounds like a really good starting point…..You will be able to share all the details, receive objective answers and possible referrals for additional services. Best of luck.
  • just_Jennie1
    just_Jennie1 Posts: 1,233
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    Just to throw this out there…..
    Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior, I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.

    OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.

    completely agreed. there is a huge leap from "drinking a lot" (or, even "drinking to excess") to "alcoholism".

    So what you're saying is that if someone drinks like the OP's husband which is a six pack a night -- BY HIMSELF mind you -- that it's just "a lot" and this behavior in no way would ever lead to him becoming dependent upon the beer (which it sounds like he is) thus making him an alcoholic? Mind you these six packs a night is the drinking that she knows about. There could be secret drinking, hidden stashes etc. He also went to AA but said that he "didn't think he has a problem" which may or may not be true. The first step is admitting you're an alcoholic. No admission = not an alcoholic (in their mind).

    I like to drink. My husband likes to drink but no way would he ever polish off a 6 pack by himself, nor would I ever drink a bottle (or 2) of wine on my own either.

    OP: I think he does have a drinking problem that borders on the line of alcoholism but he's just not willing to admit it.
  • ShinyFuture
    ShinyFuture Posts: 314 Member
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    I'm not sure that you do want advice, as it sounds like you know what your options are you are just (very understandably) scared Advice you can get in buckets full here, courage you have to find inside yourself.

    You are clearly aware that you have 2 basic options - stay with him, or leave him. Both have apparently valid reasons for and against. We can't tell you what is right for you and your kids. What those of us who have been through it can tell you, though, is that change is hard, and scary, so leaving calls for a tremendous amount of courage. I don't know which is the right option for you. Some people leave and regret it, some leave and find it was the best decision they could have made.

    Good luck to you.
  • gabbygirl78
    gabbygirl78 Posts: 936 Member
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    This is so sad. I was raised with an Alcoholic mother. They will not change unless THEY want to. But, you must do the best for your kids and yourself, and even if that means leaving him. It truly affected my childhood.

    I am sorry for you and hope you have healed. My question has always been, HOW do I leave? He would at least get joint custody, he is the "responsible" one with the good job, etc. Then he will have the kids, and if he isn't stopping for them now surely he won't then? It would be my worst nightmare!

    My ex husband , also the father of my son is and alcoholic. My heart goes out to you. I did leave and he since remarried and had 2 more children. He was never a part of my son's life after that. My case was a little different though... my husband lost jobs , got DUI's and physically abused me because of his alcohol problem. ... I finally had enough when he beat me up while I was pregnant with my son. You are fortunate that he is a good father and keeps a job and otherwise takes care of his family... It is a tough situation and I don't know the right answer for you other than sit down and think about everything, all the good and bad and weigh them out. Not going to offer any advice on how whether to stay or leave , just trying to make you feel a little better. Hope you find the peace of mind you are searching for... I hate that you are in this situation. My heart bleeds for you.:cry:
  • FrauHaas2013
    FrauHaas2013 Posts: 615 Member
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    The hard thing is that he admits he has a problem, but has thrown in the towel and basically said "well, I'm never gonna stop so why even bother." How do you break this kind of mindset?? What kind of beer does he drink? Could you maybe try to "ease" him off by slowly introducing beer that has less alcohol? Why does he drink? Is he bored?

    I wish you the best - and yes, it IS excessive!!! Hang in there, Sweetie.
  • suziepoo1984
    suziepoo1984 Posts: 915 Member
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    This actually makes me sad. I can understand your fears. Its easy for people to say leave him, but there are so many loose ends to it. Exactly the fears you said and many more. But if you think its not working out well, you can maybe start looking for a job so that you are financially independent and need not fear about taking care of kids needs and also their custody?
    Let him drive himself around, he is an adult and needs to be responsible. If he loses his license, that will be one lesson learnt for him.
    You need to do this for yourself and your kids. That would be the first option i would look at. Get yourself financially independent.
  • healthy4life4mykids
    healthy4life4mykids Posts: 84
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    This actually makes me sad. I can understand your fears. Its easy for people to say leave him, but there are so many loose ends to it. Exactly the fears you said and many more. But if you think its not working out well, you can maybe start looking for a job so that you are financially independent and need not fear about taking care of kids needs and also their custody?
    Let him drive himself around, he is an adult and needs to be responsible. If he loses his license, that will be one lesson learnt for him.
    You need to do this for yourself and your kids. That would be the first option i would look at. Get yourself financially independent.

    Thanks for your responses everyone, I really do appreciate it. I am going to start looking for work asap, even something part time means I could at least feed my kids. I would like to try al-anon, but would have to do it without him know, he would freak out and start a big mess if he knew. Like I said earlier, I can't even bring it up anymore. I do think being around others in the same situation would at the least give me some courage.
  • pawnstarNate
    pawnstarNate Posts: 1,728 Member
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    Suggestion:

    Tell him he's got to take the weekend off and you get sloppy drunk Friday and Saturday night. Be sure to get on mfp and post though cause we wanna see how well you type when inebriated.
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,231 Member
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    This actually makes me sad. I can understand your fears. Its easy for people to say leave him, but there are so many loose ends to it. Exactly the fears you said and many more. But if you think its not working out well, you can maybe start looking for a job so that you are financially independent and need not fear about taking care of kids needs and also their custody?
    Let him drive himself around, he is an adult and needs to be responsible. If he loses his license, that will be one lesson learnt for him.
    You need to do this for yourself and your kids. That would be the first option i would look at. Get yourself financially independent.

    Thanks for your responses everyone, I really do appreciate it. I am going to start looking for work asap, even something part time means I could at least feed my kids. I would like to try al-anon, but would have to do it without him know, he would freak out and start a big mess if he knew. Like I said earlier, I can't even bring it up anymore. I do think being around others in the same situation would at the least give me some courage.

    The fact that he bristles when you bring it up concerns me. Is there family members you could go stay with? Definitely look for employment, but don't feel you HAVE to stay just because he's the bread winner.

    Also, I would be surprised if he doesn't run into an issue w/ his BAC & CDL. Why? Because the BAC level for CDL drivers is soooo low (in CA I believe it's 0.05? I could be wrong! I know they've lowered it a couple times!). And if he's drinking the day BEFORE he is supposed to drive he's already running a risk of getting a DUI.

    I agree with the other posters, he's gotta hit rock bottom and WANT the help for himself (not for the kids, not for you, he's gotta wanna be sober for HIMSELF).

    Good luck....
  • healthy4life4mykids
    healthy4life4mykids Posts: 84
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    This actually makes me sad. I can understand your fears. Its easy for people to say leave him, but there are so many loose ends to it. Exactly the fears you said and many more. But if you think its not working out well, you can maybe start looking for a job so that you are financially independent and need not fear about taking care of kids needs and also their custody?
    Let him drive himself around, he is an adult and needs to be responsible. If he loses his license, that will be one lesson learnt for him.
    You need to do this for yourself and your kids. That would be the first option i would look at. Get yourself financially independent.

    Thanks for your responses everyone, I really do appreciate it. I am going to start looking for work asap, even something part time means I could at least feed my kids. I would like to try al-anon, but would have to do it without him know, he would freak out and start a big mess if he knew. Like I said earlier, I can't even bring it up anymore. I do think being around others in the same situation would at the least give me some courage.

    The fact that he bristles when you bring it up concerns me. Is there family members you could go stay with? Definitely look for employment, but don't feel you HAVE to stay just because he's the bread winner.

    Also, I would be surprised if he doesn't run into an issue w/ his BAC & CDL. Why? Because the BAC level for CDL drivers is soooo low (in CA I believe it's 0.05? I could be wrong! I know they've lowered it a couple times!). And if he's drinking the day BEFORE he is supposed to drive he's already running a risk of getting a DUI.

    I agree with the other posters, he's gotta hit rock bottom and WANT the help for himself (not for the kids, not for you, he's gotta wanna be sober for HIMSELF).

    Good luck....


    Thanks, my mother lives close by but she is older and not in great health, she has as much told me that the kids would be too much for her, they are 5 and 10 and she doesn't have the patience I guess. No other friends or family. Maybe once I start counseling I can try to see if I go, but I doubt it as I know he doesn't want to hear he needs help. Def will be looking for work in the meantime, though its hard as my job history isn't so great.
  • mrsjones2point0
    mrsjones2point0 Posts: 332 Member
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    Honey, I have been there. I had three kids and was a SAHM for 8 years to a man who would only drink 2-3 beers a night in the beginning, then it escalated to a 6-pack, then he added in vodka - tolerance builds up and they start drinking more and more to get to that level they need.

    At first he just got lazy, I was doing everything including covering for him. . . then he got mean.

    If he won't stop, or refuses to get help, you need to get your kids out of there. They will not get over his drinking, and it is impacting them.

    I left him, correction, I kicked him out. It took me 2 months on state assistance before I found a job, but I did. He lasted 3 months on his own before he lost his job due to his drinking. So I received child support for 3 months, then I had to find a better job, because his drinking became more important than supporting his children...but I did it. I have full custody and he has supervised visitation ,because he can't be trusted to be sober and take care of his kids. My oldest two want nothing to do with him, my youngest (he was 6 when we divorced) is the only one who will still see him. .

    I had him arrested for breaking and entering 5 times before the prosecutor's office started to realize that maybe he had a problem and maybe they should actually prosecute him.

    It's not easy, the leaving. . .and its scary when you are a SAHM. . .but trust me, your 10 yr old already knows there's a problem, you should probably start making plans to leave before your 5 yr old realizes it. You should really start preparing yourself now, both mentally and monetarily, because if he won't stop, you are at the beginning of the end.
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,231 Member
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    Honey, I have been there. I had three kids and was a SAHM for 8 years to a man who would only drink 2-3 beers a night in the beginning, then it escalated to a 6-pack, then he added in vodka - tolerance builds up and they start drinking more and more to get to that level they need.

    At first he just got lazy, I was doing everything including covering for him. . . then he got mean.

    If he won't stop, or refuses to get help, you need to get your kids out of there. They will not get over his drinking, and it is impacting them.

    I left him, correction, I kicked him out. It took me 2 months on state assistance before I found a job, but I did. He lasted 3 months on his own before he lost his job due to his drinking. So I received child support for 3 months, then I had to find a better job, because his drinking became more important than supporting his children...but I did it. I have full custody and he has supervised visitation ,because he can't be trusted to be sober and take care of his kids. My oldest two want nothing to do with him, my youngest (he was 6 when we divorced) is the only one who will still see him. .

    I had him arrested for breaking and entering 5 times before the prosecutor's office started to realize that maybe he had a problem and maybe they should actually prosecute him.

    It's not easy, the leaving. . .and its scary when you are a SAHM. . .but trust me, your 10 yr old already knows there's a problem, you should probably start making plans to leave before your 5 yr old realizes it. You should really start preparing yourself now, both mentally and monetarily, because if he won't stop, you are at the beginning of the end.

    Because I have a PhD in dysfuncton I feel compelled to make a correction (LOL, sorry poor timing for my f*cked up humor).

    Anyhow, I knew my dad had a drinking problem long before 10 years old. In fact when he died (house fire), in his wallet he had a picture of me I was 8 and on the back had requested that he stop drinking & smoking. Just typing about it just kills me a little bit inside. *sigh*

    And in therapy I found that by the time I was 4, I was already identifying with my dad (He was abusive as well). So that type of environment is definitely not conducive for raising healthy/well adjusted children.

    Also, if there is violence (mental, physical, financial, etc...) consider contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Even if there is no violence the hotline may be a source of information - perhaps they can refer you to some resources you never thought about.
  • shapefitter
    shapefitter Posts: 900 Member
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    Divorce him. It was the best thing, I ever did. He became a fitness freak, over night, as he realised he had to shape up, to get himself a new bird. Ha ha ha!!!
  • TheSlorax
    TheSlorax Posts: 2,401 Member
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    Just to throw this out there…..
    Nobody can diagnose your husband with alcohol dependence with such limited information provided on this thread and without speaking with him. I am not approving of all his behavior, I am just saying that nobody here can make such absolute statements.

    OP: Chat with your husband and not randoms on the internet.

    completely agreed. there is a huge leap from "drinking a lot" (or, even "drinking to excess") to "alcoholism".

    So what you're saying is that if someone drinks like the OP's husband which is a six pack a night -- BY HIMSELF mind you -- that it's just "a lot" and this behavior in no way would ever lead to him becoming dependent upon the beer (which it sounds like he is) thus making him an alcoholic? Mind you these six packs a night is the drinking that she knows about. There could be secret drinking, hidden stashes etc. He also went to AA but said that he "didn't think he has a problem" which may or may not be true. The first step is admitting you're an alcoholic. No admission = not an alcoholic (in their mind).

    I like to drink. My husband likes to drink but no way would he ever polish off a 6 pack by himself, nor would I ever drink a bottle (or 2) of wine on my own either.

    OP: I think he does have a drinking problem that borders on the line of alcoholism but he's just not willing to admit it.

    I think that we only have the information that OP is giving us. I will not say that because he drinks beer he will become dependent on it, no. if I was going to make that conclusion about OP's husband, I could do the same about you and your husband. you SAY that you don't drink a lot, but apparently so does OP's husband. secondhand evidence is not conclusive especially regarding something as serious as alcoholism.

    again, as I said, there is a difference between drinking a lot and alcoholism. I am not going to label OP's husband as an alcoholic because of anecdotal evidence. however, I know that the drinking bothers her and I think she needs to do what is best for herself and her children, just as anyone would if their significant other was doing something that seriously bummed them out. and, really, thank you for explaining alcoholic behavior to me. however, I am very familiar with it and do not need someone shelling out presumptuous definitions to me because I am reluctant to label someone with an addiction over the internet.
  • Readydave
    Readydave Posts: 2 Member
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    In regards to the person who said it's not alot... Would you say the same if it were cans of soda? Honestly curious. That's almost two cases.

    As to the original poster, start saving up the receipts and taking pictures of the empty cans if you can. Build yourself a case and when you leave him, use this as proof of his bad habit. It will show his true pattern of consumption and no judge in their right mind would give him any unsupervised custody. It is a bad situation, but since you've already confronted him about his problem and he isn't willing to change, you have to have some courage here and do what's right for you and the children. In my opinion, you staying and putting up with the situation is sending a very strong message to the kids about what should be tolerated in a relationship and family.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
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    It sounds like you are at a cross roads...maybe thinking that if things don't change you will have to leave.

    Tell him that if you really are prepared to move to another chapter of life.

    I have a friend who is the same. I talk to him often, but any meeting revolves around where we can go and drink, so we don't visit like we used to. But that is my friend's choice, as much as it is your husbands choices...and as much as it is your choice to make what to do.

    Good luck.

    Thoughts and prayers
  • karlalband
    karlalband Posts: 196 Member
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    It sounds like you are at a cross roads...maybe thinking that if things don't change you will have to leave.

    Tell him that if you really are prepared to move to another chapter of life.

    I have a friend who is the same. I talk to him often, but any meeting revolves around where we can go and drink, so we don't visit like we used to. But that is my friend's choice, as much as it is your husbands choices...and as much as it is your choice to make what to do. This is very true!

    Good luck.

    Thoughts and prayers
  • bennysammysofie
    bennysammysofie Posts: 331
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    Having a problem with anything isn't counting how many beers, glasses of wine, bong hits, etc. It's your behavior when u do those things that determines if u got a problem or not.
    I think u know whether he has a problem or not. What to do about it is the tough part
  • Redbird99ky
    Redbird99ky Posts: 305 Member
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    I can't necessarily help you with specifics (as in you need to do x or y), but I can help you with some generalities.

    1. Start attending al-anon meetings, even if he isn't an alcoholic, they'll help. That being said, based on what you have mentioned, he is exhibiting classic alcoholic behavior.

    2. Stop any enabling behavior. Currently, he doesn't have a wife, he has a mommy who won't let him face the consequences of his actions. HE NEEDS TO FACE CONSEQUENCES. I know this sounds hard, that's because it is. I also understand that the consequences will affect you. HE IS COUNTING ON THIS. He knows that you will cart him around and buy his beer and so on and so forth, because if he gets popped for a DUI, he'll lose his job. So ... he has a free pass.

    3. Develop a support network of friends who understand what you're going through. you will find them through your local al-anon group.

    4. don't make any ultimatums you cannot (or will not) follow through with. That being said, be prepared to leave him or have him leave you. If you are a member of a good church, consider a private conference with your pastor.

    5. remember, you cannot control what he does. You cannot control his drinking. You are not responsible for his drinking. You cannot control what he does, only how you CHOOSE to respond.

    6. If he DOES decide to get help, be there for him and be supportive of his efforts. Go to meetings with him. If he does stop drinking, things will probably get worse before they get better, as he starts to get his feelings back.

    My best wishes for you and your children. He will find a desire to get help when the pain of his situation overrides all else. Pain is a GREAT motivator, and the typical alcoholic's first TRUE prayer is "God, help me, please"

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