HELP. I Went Too Far, I Lost Myself.

Hi there
So, this is probably really not what you want to hear, but you have an eating disorder (one that is fast becoming very serious). I don't say this because of whatever you might weigh or look like, or even merely due to your calorie consumption- but rather what sounds like severe body dysmorphia, genuine fear of gaining weight (you were told to gain some for medical reasons and it sounds like right after you did you freaked out and starting restricting more), and your general stress and anxiety surrounding food.
A lot of people who have eating disorders make up excuses or think its somehow impossible that they have one. Whether its because you relate the label with an extreme that you don't feel you've reached yet, or because having an eating disorder would mean you are out of control (eating disorders are often about a false sense of control), you'll probably make quite a few excuses to yourself. Which is natural, but I encourage you to come to terms with what is going on and seek help before you really screw up your body and your mind entirely.
As you say, you have become focused on calories and not on nutrition. Chances are that in limiting your diet you have cut out a lot of necassary nutrients your body needs. You have also become estranged from your body's natural messages- when some one who restricts for a long time starts to eat, the body's natural response is to binge, and to build reserve fat stores because the rest of the time it has been starved. You forget how to eat through responsive hunger (the body is fairly intelligent, and will tell you how much food you need. Often when we under or overeat we ignore those signals, or we confuse the body by eating things like high refined sugars which cause cravings. If you eat sugar- which you will probably crave after restriction due to it being a fast kick of energy- you'll be in trouble because the body will desperately want more, thus leading to a binge). Over time, this cycle can destroy your metabolism, leave you malnourished and probably with more health problems and poor coping mechanisms than before. We are unfortunate in that we live in a society in which skinny (except in the very extreme, and even sometimes then) is still praised and linked with being healthy. In truth, you're not only destroying your body but making your life miserable.
I'm not telling you this to scare you, but because I've been through it (severe restriction, binging, purging, over exercise- you name it, I've done it) and I really lost whole years of my life feeling miserable. The damage both mentally and physically takes longer to repair the longer you leave it. Luckily I was able to enter treatment before I destroyed my whole life, but I know not everyone is so fortunate. (There also seems to be this massive stigma even in the medical world concerning men and eating disorders. I can't believe that your doctor/ nutritionist never thought to give you more help for the issue considering your level of resrtiction and high fear/anxiety around food! Yet sadly I know this is the case for many people. Being told to just eat more is really so not helpful.)
As I was often told during treatment, the eating habits are often a symptom of the real problem. You say this happened over the last seven months or so, but possibly the issues go back further. So I must ask:
What was your relationship with food like when you were a little overweight? What were your motivations for weight loss? What was going on (not food related, but personally) around the time you started restricting? What kind of thoughts do you have when you feel like eating? How in control of your life do you/ did you feel before all this happened? Has that changed? Outside of your eating, what kind of goals do you have right now?
I hope you don't mind me asking all this, and I more than understand if you don't want to reply. However if you do want to, you can always inbox me privately on here and I'll be more than happy to listen or give you any advice I can or tell you about my own experience. In the meantime I would really recommend 1) looking more at nutrition, but NOT with a perfectionistic eye as you will be tempted to do. Try to understand more about how the body digests food, and how nutrients are processed... 2) My guess is you may have cut or restricted carbohydrates, and you'll need to replace these in your diet and prioritise them alongside protien, fibre and good forms of fat. The carbohydrates (in the form of wholewheat breads, rice and pasta preferably) will be essential in stopping the binging because they will provide you with slow releasing fuel. 3) MOST IMPORTANTLY find a doctor or counsellor to talk to. You might think it's all about your eating, but its not. Food has become an emotional crutch and its vital to understand what injury that crutch is supporting. You can follow all the practical advice in the world, but more likely than not, if you feel fear and stress surrounding food, its coming from something. Find the root causes and the problems with food will go.
As I said, feel free to contact me. I really hope that you get better, I know what its like living with the stress and fear day after day- exhausting. All the best luck xx

Have to agree, this is a psychological issue and you really need to talk to someone to get over this fear of eating over your calories and/or gaining weight.

My calorie limit is the same as yours in my diary, except I try to stay around 1450. I'm short, I'm middle aged, I've got a desk job, and I'm a healthy weight, which is why my limit is so low. My deficit ends up being pretty small, too, *sigh*. I'm still wanting to lose some lower belly fat like you. I'm telling you this so you know I'm in a similar situation calorie-wise and body composition-wise.

Now listen closely, this is the important part. I eat out every weekend. I eat at Taco Bell for lunch pretty regularly. I eat at Subway, Grimaldi's (Mmm pizza), Baskin Robbins, Cheesecake Factory, On the Border, and others. I stay in my limit for the week. I can count the times I've gone over my limit for the day in the last three months on the fingers of one hand. Hell, I'm currently baking my way through a new Vintage Cakes cookbook I bought and am having a slice of cake nearly every night.

I'm not saying this because I'm amazing. I'm saying this because I'm nothing particularly special and it isn't terribly difficult to find food that fits in your macros at those types of places, or to eat half of the entree and THAT fits in your macros. I'm saying this because there is no reason you can't eat out at those places you want to eat. There is no reason you shouldn't eat take out occasionally. There is no bad food, no food you should be afraid to eat, no food that on its own will stop you from losing weight. It's your overall diet over the course of weeks and months that is important, not a single meal or even a handful of meals.