Do people treat you differently -- or is it you?
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I just recently started to notice a difference how I'm treated by strangers.
People approach me much more, smile at me a lot more, they are much more friendly, they ask if I need help at stores instead of walking right past me, people greet me more often.
I don't think it's just them though, it's also me.
I'm much more confident, walking taller, smiling a lot, fixing myself up more, and actually making eye contact with people (I would always avoid eye contact before).
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HHhhmmmm, I'm torn on this topic. I agree with a previous poster that when you feel better, you radiate that and people pick up on it. I've had experiences on both sides of the scale...
When I was much younger and thinner, yes, I used to get free stuff all the time, too as a previous poster mentioned. When guys think you're attractive they tend to do you "favors." I understood why the pretty girls always played to that strength - they could pretty much get whatever they wanted! Guys just want them to stick around.
On the other spectrum, I'm still the same person inside - I'm not miserable or unapproachable. In fact, I'm quite a nice, friendly person. As a matter of fact, my husband (whom I married in January) has never known me thin and yet he fell in love and married me. Sometimes I think about that and it just blows my mind. One time I sort of half-jokingly asked why he was attracted to a "big girl" like me, and he took offense to that. "Do you really think I'm THAT shallow??" Bless that man.
And now, during this journey for me (I'd like to lose 150 lbs), he is being very supportive. He told me he didn't care if I lost weight or not, but if that's what I wanted to do, then he would support me 100%. He's a professional chef, so he has tailored his cooking to avoid salt, sugar, and fats just for me. He seasons and cooks food, then portions it out for me so I can just grab and go. The man is a gawdsend, let me tell you!0 -
I am NOT surprised that I get more welcome vibes from females and hate from heavy males, I used to blend in and was pretty invisible to both before. I blame it on the constant bombardment of thin fit images on tv and magazines.
I remember on my dating years I had a hard time talking to women, now after 23 years of happy marriage I have matured and have the confidence to talk to strangers. when I had my 47 extra lbs of fat big guys where cool, I was one of them, and women gave me a "don't look/talk to me perv" vibe.
now the big guys give me dirty looks and women are awfully friendly, smiles and small conversation.
I really started my weight loss for fighting type 2 diabetes and now I am getting results I did not expect, these are not caused by me, confidence I always had, that is how I found my wife and married her, the best mind, heart and body I dated.
I am very lucky she saw past my fat all these years, I am very driven on my career and can conquer any thing I want. hence the fight with Diabetes, so far 6 month into it I am in normal (70-100) sugar levels with out medication and indulge on crap twice a week.
I know that once I get to my goal weight (doctor dictated) I will be able to live with my allowed maintenance calories and will be used to the compliments and friendliness/hate from others. I rather be noted that not, specially with my health at its best in many years!
I feel that if you do it to find a partner, to be better at some sport, for your health or to have a better quality of life, strangers will judge us by our cover and that is them, we can NOT control that, could be good or bad, desirable or not, but it is what it is.0 -
There was a thread posted about this and similar feelings a month or so ago. It drew a fair amount of criticism from some, but it definitely struck a chord with others. The criticism was primarily related to the idea that this is an excuse for discontinuing weight loss, but interestingly, the OP was doing well and just trying to work through some thoughts/feelings and looking for some feedback. Likewise, those who responded who seemed to be of like mind were primarily ones who were actively losing as well, but who had either addressed this themselves or were at least aware of it so that they could minimize the effects. I think it's important to recognize that we all have different emotional make-ups and histories. I can definitely relate to this thinking of weight as an insulation. Doesn't make me want it back at this point in my life; I am happy to be making these changes. But do I recognize it as having been a defense mechanism? Absolutely. I would even go so far as to say that I believe it's pretty common. It's also surmountable. You can do this. You've already identified the behavior. You've already demonstrated that you can lose in spite of it. And you've already noted the importance of essentially replacing an undesirable habit with something else more effective. You will find what works for you, and that may not be the same in every situation. That doesn't matter - you're worth it and all of your hard work shouldn't be for nothing.This topic is one of great interest to me personally. I have lost my weight several times before, only to allow it to slowly pile back on. Part of this is due to never really figuring out maintenance. However, because I've always had weight problems, I was at a loss on how to cope with physical attraction by other men, besides my husband, once I reach a normal weight. Every time it was very awkward to me. So I guess that in my case it would be a difference in the behavior of others which came first and somewhat frightened me. I was never there long enough to get comfortable in my new body. I hope at this point in my life, I'll have the confidence to coolly rebuff them and make a joke of it, instead of insulating myself by adding some poundage. Curious to see if anyone else has felt this way.
As for people treating me differently, I've lost almost 50 pounds. Meanwhile, the rest of my life has sort of fallen apart. lol So, yeah, it's hard to say. I am not terribly social or receptive to attention right now except in connection with a very limited circle of friends. Speaking of insulation. lol However, while I never quit getting attention from men (mostly just because I'm female), even at my heaviest, it's safe to say that there was a different quality to it...more habit than actual interest, maybe? Not sure how to define it.0 -
I have noticed some friction in a few friendships. There's a circle of friends I am part of...4 women all the same age (35-36) who graduated together. I've always - even in high school - been 2X or 3X plus sized, and so has "Janelle". "Kassie" was always tall and thin. "Sarah" was always short and slightly chubby.
Life's changed things a bit. I'm now a lot lighter (in between size 16-18). Janelle's heavier than ever. Kassie's about the same size as me. Sarah's somewhat thin/petite now, partly due to being diagnosed with diabetes and being forced to change her diet.
Sarah and I are totally cool w/ whatever but we eat much lighter. Kassie starves herself and doesn't lose weight. Janelle constantly cancels plans and makes really weird comments and stares at mine and Sarah's bodies way too much and can't seem to make it through 15 min without calling one of us "skinny mini" or something else annoying.
It's really caused the friendship between the four of us to be weird. I almost (but not!!!) kind of miss the days 7-10 years back, when we all just ate like pigs and went out to Applebee's for wings, blondie brownies, and Mudslides without a second thought.
Sarah and I are very close, and we neither one mentioned any of this for a long time because we thought we were both imagining it or exaggerating it. It is weird because I think of the four, she and I notice the weight changes least of all. But since we're thinner than previously, and Janelle & Kassie are both heavier than previously, they seem to be preoccupied with it. I am disappointed by this. We're not women who are generally that concerned with appearances...for example, we all have wildly different personal styles.0 -
I think that people treat me differently, but I've been told by someone who knew me briefly before my "transformation" that it's me who puts out a different vibe. The thing is, I had a tragedy occur in my life (which is partly what motivated me to change) right before I started losing weight. So, this person had seen me at my lowest (emotionally) and was comparing it to me at my best. It's hard to say.
Just to clarify, I think people are more inclined to approach me, whereas when I was bigger I felt invisible. I remember on my birthday I was treated to two random acts of kindness. That had never happened to me before in my life and when I mentioned it to the acquaintance that I mentioned above he say that it wasn't that people were kinder to more attractive people, but rather that I was putting out a different vibe.
Easy for him to say! He had always been good looking.0 -
bump for later0
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Hi, this is a great topic.
I have about 50 lbs to lose and I have lost about 18. For me the changes are on the inside. i have come to that happy point where i don't care how fast I lose because I am doing things as a habit I have never been able to stick to before;
1. I work out every weekday before 6 AM
2. I can actually go to social functions and plan ahead so I don't overeat
3. I sleep way better
4. I am getting more disciplined in every other aspect of my life.
All these changes can't be seen by someone just walking up to you for the first time.
i travel a lot and I run into a lot of situations where people are rude. Before I would be the "nice happy fat guy" and swallow the insult or try to be super nice. I recently saw a guy treating a very friendly hotel clerk like dirt who had just helped me out a few minutes ago. I went back to the desk and told the guy to "lay off" and he just looked at me and disappeared. The clerk was really thankful and I offered to write up the situation to her manager to make sure he knew that his employee was doing her best to help a truly rude customer. --- I never would have had the courage to do something like that before
Just knowing that I am finally doing something about my condition (which frankly I caused) is paying off huge dividends.
i also find that I am much more comfortable meeting new people and automatically think the "best is in them" instead of feeling inadequate in their presence.
Great topic! :drinker:
What you were talking about the discipline. I can't wait until I get to that part. I'm still establishing habit. I can't wait to get to that point of being disciplined in health bleeding over into all the other areas of life... just being a disciplined and consistent person... thanks for sharing!0 -
Good Lord, yes, I am a different person! I LIKE ME NOW! I didn't like my fat self at all before. And because of that, I wasn't always the most pleasant person to be around.
I hated...haaaaated...how invisible my obesity made me, and how insensitive and rude people were to me. And because of all that ill-treatment, I became bitter and resentful. I hated people, and going out into the world among them. But when I was forced to, I was a sarcastic, ill-tempered, self-righteous beyotch, always poised for the fight and ready to claw eyes out. :explode: Who wants to be around that?!?! :huh:
My mom used to say that miserable people are their own worst enemy. So true! But what I learned is that miserable people are also hurting people, and that's a huge part of why they are the way they are. Heal the hurt, and watch a butterfly emerge from a dark cocoon.
My hurt started as a sexually abused child, and food became my best friend. Long story short, I found healing for my damaged inner child through my relationship with Jesus Christ, and with His help, I then found the will to do something about my weight.
Now, I like me, and because I like me, other people like me. I no longer carry that dreadful burden of hate - for myself and for society in general - and I am a kinder, gentler person. My inner rage has been replaced by compassion, and the tiger has been replaced by a puddycat. I found my sense of humour and willingness to forgive myself and others.
So, in conclusion, to answer the OP's qyestion, yes - people no longer recognize me, but not so much because of my weight loss. It's mostly because I am no longer the scary, sad, miserable person I was....thank God! :flowerforyou:0 -
Good Lord, yes, I am a different person! I LIKE ME NOW! I didn't like my fat self at all before. And because of that, I wasn't always the most pleasant person to be around.
I hated...haaaaated...how invisible my obesity made me, and how insensitive and rude people were to me. And because of all that ill-treatment, I became bitter and resentful. I hated people, and going out into the world among them. But when I was forced to, I was a sarcastic, ill-tempered, self-righteous beyotch, always poised for the fight and ready to claw eyes out. :explode: Who wants to be around that?!?! :huh:
My mom used to say that miserable people are their own worst enemy. So true! But what I learned is that miserable people are also hurting people, and that's a huge part of why they are the way they are. Heal the hurt, and watch a butterfly emerge from a dark cocoon.
My hurt started as a sexually abused child, and food became my best friend. Long story short, I found healing for my damaged inner child through my relationship with Jesus Christ, and with His help, I then found the will to do something about my weight.
Now, I like me, and because I like me, other people like me. I no longer carry that dreadful burden of hate - for myself and for society in general - and I am a kinder, gentler person. My inner rage has been replaced by compassion, and the tiger has been replaced by a puddycat. I found my sense of humour and willingness to forgive myself and others.
So, in conclusion, to answer the OP's qyestion, yes - people no longer recognize me, but not so much because of my weight loss. It's mostly because I am no longer the scary, sad, miserable person I was....thank God! :flowerforyou:
I love this post!!! Thanks for your honesty!!!0 -
I haven't gotten people really treating me differently, though my family and coworkers often tell me to stop losing weight and that I'm getting too skinny. I don't feel that way at all because I still see my protruding stomach and sunken chest when I look at myself, though I know I'm losing weight I still feel overweight and out of place.
I do have more confidence and am hoping once I lose this last 10 pounds that I'll finally be able to buy better fitting clothes, but as someone mentioned earlier: if I am treated different it's probably because I'm feeling better and more positive thanks to all this hard work paying off slowly.
I do also find myself judging more, thinking "well if I could lose this weight and workout, why can't they?" This is really not something I want to think about or have going through my head so I'm working to be more actively open and basically not worry or judge about other people. I have no place to judge them, we're all the same and doing so does nothing good.
Maybe when I finally get to where my body matches my own feelings I'll act differently and thusly be treated differently, but I don't think I'll ever be anyone but the awkward introvert. I've always been me and no amount of physical change will alter that.0 -
On the other side of the coin, when I lost over 100 lbs I went through a period of hating that I was being noticed because of how I looked on the outside (I was overweight for almost all of my life). It actually made me really sad that society focused so much on the hollywood version of outer beauty…I hated that I would be offered drinks in a bar (happily married for 16 years), that men would gaze, that people paid more attention to me. I wasn't smarter, or wittier, I was still me - it really gave me a glance into what I think is really ugly about humans. I got ok with it…not meaning that I learned to like it, but that I learned to ignore it.0
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I have to say.. I noticed a huge difference at 35lbs lost.. I was noticed, nice men wanted to date me, people were truly interested in me as a person.
but I have since lost an additional 15lbs... people stop and stare, the double takes are incredulous, I get asked by dates all the time "Do people usually stare this much at you?", I get hit on.. even while on a date.... Nice guys are pretty hesitant to date me (esp my type of the nerdy cute boy next door.. cause they wonder when the shoe will drop and some "hot" guy will snatch me up... Older weathy men and then guys looking for their next score want to "date" me...
Its both a blessing and a curse... I can get a lot of cooporation at work from the field staff (construction company).. but I also hear things from the internal staff that I must not be a good mom cause there is no way I am able to parent two small children, have a career, and look like I do.... and I do not dress showing a lot of skin (think Ann Taylor) nor am I am flirt... I am extremely business like and honestly nicknamed "The Hammer" cause I am very direct and to the point.0 -
People treat me differently. A couple weeks ago I went to the same bar as I've been going to for the last 10 or so years. For the first time, I was getting free drinks, guys asking for my number etc. My personality hasn't changed at all, and neither have my horrible dancing skills but this time I was getting a lot more attention than ever.0
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I noticed a difference after I lost 50 or 60 pounds, so fairly recently. No one was flirting with me 70 pounds ago, even on days I felt pretty cute, so I have to give credit to the actual weight loss. I think there comes a point where you pretty much become invisible to the world, and then there's a point in your weight loss where you become a viable option again.
This times 1,000 if you're a man since 90% of the time we're the ones doing the approaching. Rejection is pretty common even for the most average guys since women seem to have nonsensical attractions to begin with. Get too fat though and the success rate takes a huge dip unless your wallet's as fat as you are.0 -
My personality hasn't changed a bit. Im still shy to the point that i wont speak until someone starts the conversation. I have started dressing better, but thats mainly because I love the clothes I can fit into. I've noticed people seem to glance at me more.0
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Classic "chicken or the egg?" question.
I personally have found myself more confident (though in hindsight that's not saying much), so there are definitely some changes in me. I've also found that people treat me differently (mostly positively, certainly I get better reactions from strangers). I think the two are connected - am I more confident because people treat me better, or do people treat me better because I'm more confident and outgoing?
The answer is - yes. :-)0 -
I noticed that once I'd lost about 30 pounds, the salespeople in upscale clothing stores became more friendly and welcoming. People I know haven't treated me any differently as far as I can tell. I've always had plenty of confidence, so though I think I look better now, I was not struggling with insecurity before.0
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For the 1st 15 pounds, not too much of a difference. However, now that I am almost at 20 lbs. lost, it seems that people who don't know me are nicer when I am shopping or strangers would talk to me. I don't think my personality has changed at all. I anticipate even more of a difference as the pounds come off.0
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Yes, 100 %. I'm sure I am more confident, but ladies treat me different. Guys are actually more terse with me!0
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I went to a party in the city for the first time in a while yesterday. I was possibly ten pounds lighter than the last time I was socialising with strangers, and far below my starting weight, at which I tended to be in retreat from this sort of gathering.
At the party it was definitely easier to chat with people, and might have I noticed a few people glancing over at me, which certainly hadn't been the case while at my peak weight. There could even have been a couple of people on the train - where they turned away suddenly when I looked up, as if they had been caught. This is all data from a single day though. Perhaps I just had some food on my face.0 -
Yes, 100 %. I'm sure I am more confident, but ladies treat me different. Guys are actually more terse with me!
I have noticed that too! I think it goes back to caveman days.
The fit guys that are secure treat me like "welcome to the club -- now we have a more powerful Mammoth hunting team and we can fight off the enemy tribe together"
The insecure fit guys are like "I am going to be a d^^k because you are now officially competition for tribal leadership and choice mates"
Before... I was looked at as neither an asset or a threat. Interesting stuff we humans ....0 -
if ur fat and u get hit by a bus, people will ask the bus driver if he is ok0
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Hi, this is a great topic.
I have about 50 lbs to lose and I have lost about 18. For me the changes are on the inside. i have come to that happy point where i don't care how fast I lose because I am doing things as a habit I have never been able to stick to before;
1. I work out every weekday before 6 AM
2. I can actually go to social functions and plan ahead so I don't overeat
3. I sleep way better
4. I am getting more disciplined in every other aspect of my life.
All these changes can't be seen by someone just walking up to you for the first time.
i travel a lot and I run into a lot of situations where people are rude. Before I would be the "nice happy fat guy" and swallow the insult or try to be super nice. I recently saw a guy treating a very friendly hotel clerk like dirt who had just helped me out a few minutes ago. I went back to the desk and told the guy to "lay off" and he just looked at me and disappeared. The clerk was really thankful and I offered to write up the situation to her manager to make sure he knew that his employee was doing her best to help a truly rude customer. --- I never would have had the courage to do something like that before
Just knowing that I am finally doing something about my condition (which frankly I caused) is paying off huge dividends.
i also find that I am much more comfortable meeting new people and automatically think the "best is in them" instead of feeling inadequate in their presence.
Great topic! :drinker:
Lovely post :bigsmile:
I agree...love his positive attitude:flowerforyou:0 -
I think it was a little bit of both. I lost 30 lbs a couple of years ago and I definitely noticed that I was approached more often and that I also felt more confident in my skin. I think the way you carry yourself has a lot of power and people can see that and are attracted to it.
Also, they have treated me negatively as a result. People assume, because I have a small frame, that I have "always" been skinny and tiny and I don't know what it's like to be overweight or that I never eat unhealthy things. It's kind of ironic, actually. People just see the way you are and assume that it's how you've always been. People are shocked when they hear I lost almost 25% of my weight at one point in my life.0 -
I really love this thread because its something I think about a lot. I noticed at around 68 lbs ( I have lost 93 to date) that I could walk into a restaurant and not have everyone in the room stare at me. People are friendlier, look me right in the eye and smile at me instead of quickly glancing away. I have had men offer to help me carry a case of water, open doors, etc whereas they never did before. I'm 60 yrs old and have trouble with my back, knees and hip which is often evident by my walk and no one ever offered to help me before. At work, I would be the one climbing the stairs huffing and puffing and no one would look at me, almost as though they were embarrassed for me or appalled at how one flight of stairs could leave someone so winded; and my boss would know it was me coming around the corner by by heavy breathing and footsteps now I get a lot of smiles and get watched a lot as I climb the stairs almost as though they are remembering like I do, how difficult it used to be for me. Could it have been because I was so terribly unhappy? Possibly, but I do have to say that now even if I am completely still with a blank expression, I still get people smiling at me.0
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I notice it on planes. People coming on the plane no longer look past the seat next to me and go sit near the crying baby. I have become a viable seat mate.0
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As superficial as it is, I have noticed that I do get more attention from men. I still have quite a way to go. Also noticed that instead of "you have a pretty face" has switched to "you look good". One thing I don't mind is hearing that I do look younger 0
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I definitely experience a difference and it's not just internal. I'm over 60 pounds down, but still 15-20 pounds from goal.
I don't think the world is just reacting to more happiness radiating out of my pores because I actually experience the biggest difference in treatment when I'm NOT in a pleased or open or welcoming mood.
- My "go away" look doesn't work anymore. I used to be able to glare at someone and they would steer clear of me. Now, when I try that, they still come over and try to talk to me: "what's wrong? are you having a bad day?" Yada, yada, yada. Dude, didn't you pick up on the scathing "go away" look that I just gave you?
- When I'm disappointed, people now go out of their way to try and fix it. For example, if a store is out of something of the shelf, the stock person previously might have simply said, "we're out" and turn away. Now, they'll spend 15 minutes trying to find it for me. "Let me double check in the back. I can call the store over on fifth. do you want us to messenger it to your house? no charge!"
- I'm annoyed about the loss of personal space. Folks have already mentioned the issue of people taking the empty seat next to them on the bus, but it's more than that. People stand closer to me everywhere. For example, in the line at the store, people crowd up on me more. They also are less likely to step aside as I pass them on the street so they'll brush my arm as they pass. They stand a foot or two closer when talking to me. I step back...they step forward. I find this lack of personal space VERY irritating.
In all, there are more advantages than disadvantages to the difference in treatment. The cool "skinny person favors" like extra service and spontaneous discounts outweigh the annoyances.0 -
I realized something....
The world isn't divided into:
Overweight = kind / welcoming / non-judgemental
vs.
Skinny = Mean / narcissistic / judgemental
There are great skinny people and great overweight people.
And... there are miserable skinny people and overweight people.
and most important... there are people who will always.. I mean always see the glass as "half-empty" no matter what good thing happens to them or how nice people treat them.0
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