How to deal with a hubby that likes the chubby?

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  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    Probably worried you'll ditch him if you get too hot and he's still a sack of potatos

    Probably!
  • ames105
    ames105 Posts: 288 Member
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    My boyfriend likes chubby women too. Bigger than me. He likes me as I am now. However, no one has been more vocal about how proud they are of me than he has. No one has been more encouraging about taking off the rest of the weight than he has. He knows its about my health and happiness. He has even offered to pay for my skin surgery when I'm at that point. Why? Because he wants me around for a very long time. And, he finds me, the person inside, attractive. I'm a woman, I'll still have hips and curves.

    If your husband has a preference for larger women, that's fine, we all have our tastes and preferences. The problem comes with his lack of support. I think it warrants a conversation between you two. He has to decide if the thinner you is a deal breaker and you have to decide if his lack of support is a deal breaker. Or you have to find a common ground in the middle. Good luck to you.
  • Johanne1957
    Johanne1957 Posts: 167 Member
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    Hmmm.... sounds like a confidence issue for him. I am sure he feels neglected emotionally in some way, because your fitness routine may be taking attention away from him. Bottom line, ensure you are doing this for YOUR health and not to be threatened in any way. Either way, congrats on a very nice loss so far! Best of luck the rest of the way!

    Good insight good to hear the men side of this...it helps a lot!
  • fbmandy55
    fbmandy55 Posts: 5,263 Member
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    I would ignore all the people blaming HIM and just talk to him. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe you do look better with a fuller face. I saw a colleague yesterday who had lost a ton of weight, her body looked good but her face did look sunk in. Obviously something she can't help.

    Just talk to him and find out what the issue really is and how it will or will not effect your relationship.
  • LiminalAscendance
    LiminalAscendance Posts: 489 Member
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    There are a lot of people out there that "justify" (not that they need to, but it doesn't stop them from doing it) their weight to others by saying "My husband likes me this way."

    If you're one of those people, ask him what weight he wants you at, and try to attain it.

    If, on the other hand, you're losing your weight for yourself, and rightfully expect his acceptance on your (healthy) weightloss, then it doesn't really matter, does it?
  • RenshiG
    RenshiG Posts: 71 Member
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    the implied guilt of "I cooked all day and that's ALL you are going to eat?"

    I'd be perfectly happy about that! Leftovers means no cooking the next night.

    ROFL!!! TOTALLY THAT!!!!!
  • shutyourpieholeandsquat
    shutyourpieholeandsquat Posts: 1,394 Member
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    Where were all these chubby loving guys when I was fat and thought I'd stay that way??? LOL

    Of course if I had one then I'd more than likely be in your situation now... so maybe it's better that I get to my goal then find someone? Might make things easier down the road for me.

    Congrats on your weight loss and looking at your pics I can DEFINITELY tell :drinker:
  • LauraElectric
    LauraElectric Posts: 51 Member
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    Confession Time: For AGES I used to say that I preferred my boyfriend to be a bit chubby, but now I realise that I was terrified I would look like his 'fat girlfriend' if he got in the great shape he was in before we met. I've never been fat-fat, but always had confidence issues and put on a bit of weight in the course of our relationship. As soon as I realised it was all about how I felt, not how he made me feel, I have been able to admit actually, I prefer men in shape, and I just needed to be secure enough in myself to feel like I was 'worthy.'

    Not that I am saying this is definitely the issue here, but it may be something to consider. Talk to your hubby, it may be that this is just his way of keeping everything the same, and safe.
  • Koldnomore
    Koldnomore Posts: 1,613 Member
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    Hmmm.... sounds like a confidence issue for him. I am sure he feels neglected emotionally in some way, because your fitness routine may be taking attention away from him. Bottom line, ensure you are doing this for YOUR health and not to be threatened in any way. Either way, congrats on a very nice loss so far! Best of luck the rest of the way!

    I find that many men have a hard time to express things like this. He might just need a little more reassurance that you aren't just getting fit so you can find someone else. If you are spending a lot of time doing things without him I can see how this feeling might develop. Make sure you continue to show him how you feel and re-assure him. Talk to him and see if maybe this is a little part of why he feels as he does. Saying he prefers you heavier might be his way of crying out for emotional reassurance.
  • emirror
    emirror Posts: 842 Member
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    My guy went through some of that, but he never said he liked me better fatter.

    Part of it was worrying that I was getting fit for someone else, then the other part was worrying that I was going to lose my big butt. He was able to directly say what was bothering him, so it was a lot easier to deal with.

    I assured him that one man was more than enough drama for me *while poking him in the ribs*, and then I took a serious assessment of my rear view. It WAS deflating, and not in a cool way. So, I started with squats, walking lunges and weighted hip raises. The rear view is lifting back up and getting round again, and he's happy.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    I totally disagree with the people who assume it is your husband's own confidence issue, jealousy about your fitness routine taking away couple time, etc. I really don't think any of those things are likely at all. I think it sounds like he genuinely liked your body better larger. I am not sure why it is so difficult for people to wrap their head around that preference. I'm not saying it is "right" or "wrong" because of course it is neither.

    However...in my opinion, he was being pretty rude and disrespectful to comment negatively on your face especially...and I actually would have a huge problem with the whole situation.

    I'm not saying divorce the guy. But I am saying, take a look at your relationship. All the nonphysical elements, of course, come first. But the physical, affection, intimacy, etc...ask yourself honestly how is it? If it's not great, then maybe it is not the right fit for the two of you. I realize life, commitment, especially if children are involved...but life's also way too short to be unhappy.

    ETA: I have been married, in the past, to a 5'[10" 300+ lb man who was ashamed of his weight and I believe, ashamed of mine too (250+ throughout our decade long marriage). Now I am with a 6'2" 225 lb man (very very fit) who thought I was smoking hot at 270 when we met and now thinks I'm hotter at 218. Does he actually like hips and bums even bigger than mine are? Yeah, he does. But what he likes more is knowing that I am healthier, more confident, and feel great wearing the knee length skirts and tight athletic pants I never would have worn before.

    I think it's important to be with someone who finds you very attractive and vice versa. It is very motivating.
  • LiminalAscendance
    LiminalAscendance Posts: 489 Member
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    I totally disagree with the people who assume it is your husband's own confidence issue, jealousy about your fitness routine taking away couple time, etc. I really don't think any of those things are likely at all. I think it sounds like he genuinely liked your body better larger. I am not sure why it is so difficult for people to wrap their head around that preference. I'm not saying it is "right" or "wrong" because of course it is neither.

    However...in my opinion, he was being pretty rude and disrespectful to comment negatively on your face especially...and I actually would have a huge problem with the whole situation.

    I'm not saying divorce the guy. But I am saying, take a look at your relationship. All the nonphysical elements, of course, come first. But the physical, affection, intimacy, etc...ask yourself honestly how is it? If it's not great, then maybe it is not the right fit for the two of you. I realize life, commitment, especially if children are involved...but life's also way too short to be unhappy.

    This seems a rather cavalier attitude towards the marriage of someone you don't even know.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    I totally disagree with the people who assume it is your husband's own confidence issue, jealousy about your fitness routine taking away couple time, etc. I really don't think any of those things are likely at all. I think it sounds like he genuinely liked your body better larger. I am not sure why it is so difficult for people to wrap their head around that preference. I'm not saying it is "right" or "wrong" because of course it is neither.

    However...in my opinion, he was being pretty rude and disrespectful to comment negatively on your face especially...and I actually would have a huge problem with the whole situation.

    I'm not saying divorce the guy. But I am saying, take a look at your relationship. All the nonphysical elements, of course, come first. But the physical, affection, intimacy, etc...ask yourself honestly how is it? If it's not great, then maybe it is not the right fit for the two of you. I realize life, commitment, especially if children are involved...but life's also way too short to be unhappy.

    This seems a rather cavalier attitude towards the marriage of someone you don't even know.

    fair 'nough
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
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    I am getting frustrated with my situation. When I was heavier he loved it and I hated myself for it. I am getting close to where I am happy and he tells me he doesn't like it. FYI my goal weight is no where from being a stick, I like my curves, but Two nights ago I put on my smaller jeans that have not fit in a really long time and I was sooo excited and happy that they buttoned, (gonna needs like 3 more pounds before they fit right but any who). I was happy and thrilled with my progress, only to sit on hubby's lap to ask what he thought of it. He says you look good "BUT". (why did he have to put the but) I like you better before. He commented on my face and how he prefers when my cheeks are fuller. I walk away feeling like crap. It is very upsetting to feel so good and to be dragged down in the dumps. Now sure what exactly I am asking, guess I am just venting.

    Is he a bigger guy? If so he's probably feeling insecure and/or scared. I know in the past when my wife lost weight, or now when I'm losing, the other got nervous a bit worrying about changes in the relationship.
  • LiminalAscendance
    LiminalAscendance Posts: 489 Member
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    I totally disagree with the people who assume it is your husband's own confidence issue, jealousy about your fitness routine taking away couple time, etc. I really don't think any of those things are likely at all. I think it sounds like he genuinely liked your body better larger. I am not sure why it is so difficult for people to wrap their head around that preference. I'm not saying it is "right" or "wrong" because of course it is neither.

    However...in my opinion, he was being pretty rude and disrespectful to comment negatively on your face especially...and I actually would have a huge problem with the whole situation.

    I'm not saying divorce the guy. But I am saying, take a look at your relationship. All the nonphysical elements, of course, come first. But the physical, affection, intimacy, etc...ask yourself honestly how is it? If it's not great, then maybe it is not the right fit for the two of you. I realize life, commitment, especially if children are involved...but life's also way too short to be unhappy.

    This seems a rather cavalier attitude towards the marriage of someone you don't even know.

    fair 'nough

    I think sometimes we view others through the prism of our own experiences.
  • RaeLB
    RaeLB Posts: 1,216 Member
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    You shouldn't be miserable with your body because your husband likes it better. That's BS! I don't think there is a wrong way to have a body - big or small but it sounds like you're seeking happiness in yourself - which is great! Your husband needs to be more supportive and the best way to communicate that to him is, well, to communicate!

    Good luck & much love!
  • RaeLB
    RaeLB Posts: 1,216 Member
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    Confession Time: For AGES I used to say that I preferred my boyfriend to be a bit chubby, but now I realise that I was terrified I would look like his 'fat girlfriend' if he got in the great shape he was in before we met. I've never been fat-fat, but always had confidence issues and put on a bit of weight in the course of our relationship. As soon as I realised it was all about how I felt, not how he made me feel, I have been able to admit actually, I prefer men in shape, and I just needed to be secure enough in myself to feel like I was 'worthy.'

    Not that I am saying this is definitely the issue here, but it may be something to consider. Talk to your hubby, it may be that this is just his way of keeping everything the same, and safe.

    That's a really interesting perspective! Thanks for sharing!
  • firstsip
    firstsip Posts: 8,399 Member
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    It's mind-boggling how quickly the "he's insecure/controlling/jealous" arguments come out. Do all of you live your lives thinking the worst of people? How miserable.

    People have different preferences; it happens. There are definitely guys who like thinner women; there are guys who prefer thicker women. I've met guys who dug very, very skinny, and others who couldn't find anyone attractive unless they were blonde.

    These varying preferences aren't rooted in insecurities and controlling issues; they just prefer different appearances.

    OP, if your husband was force feeding you food, or insulting your appearance, that would be insecurity, controlling, etc.

    He SAID you looked good, but just noted he preferred your appearance before. That sounds like standard, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say how I was feeling/the truth" guy talk. He's not trying to hurt you; he just doesn't have the same filter as you.

    If it continuously bothers you, just have a sitdown with him and explain: I feel bad when you add those caveats to my appearance. I want to look a certain way; will you still love me when I'm at a lower weight?

    I'm fairly certain he'll say "Yes." And I'm fairly certain he'll still have sex with you. And I'm fairly certain there are other parts of you he finds stimulating and attractive other than your weight.

    Just let him know not to share those thoughts; he might not even realize it's bothering you that he's saying that. He might just be showing you how supportive he was of you pre-weight loss.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
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    Marriage counseling or divorce. Seriously.
  • PikaKnight
    PikaKnight Posts: 34,971 Member
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    It's mind-boggling how quickly the "he's insecure/controlling/jealous" arguments come out. Do all of you live your lives thinking the worst of people? How miserable.

    People have different preferences; it happens. There are definitely guys who like thinner women; there are guys who prefer thicker women. I've met guys who dug very, very skinny, and others who couldn't find anyone attractive unless they were blonde.

    These varying preferences aren't rooted in insecurities and controlling issues; they just prefer different appearances.

    OP, if your husband was force feeding you food, or insulting your appearance, that would be insecurity, controlling, etc.

    He SAID you looked good, but just noted he preferred your appearance before. That sounds like standard, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say how I was feeling/the truth" guy talk. He's not trying to hurt you; he just doesn't have the same filter as you.

    If it continuously bothers you, just have a sitdown with him and explain: I feel bad when you add those caveats to my appearance. I want to look a certain way; will you still love me when I'm at a lower weight?

    I'm fairly certain he'll say "Yes." And I'm fairly certain he'll still have sex with you. And I'm fairly certain there are other parts of you he finds stimulating and attractive other than your weight.

    Just let him know not to share those thoughts; he might not even realize it's bothering you that he's saying that. He might just be showing you how supportive he was of you pre-weight loss.

    The whole thing (w/emphasis on the bolded) - QFFT!

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