How to deal with a hubby that likes the chubby?
jennlos
Posts: 200
I am getting frustrated with my situation. When I was heavier he loved it and I hated myself for it. I am getting close to where I am happy and he tells me he doesn't like it. FYI my goal weight is no where from being a stick, I like my curves, but Two nights ago I put on my smaller jeans that have not fit in a really long time and I was sooo excited and happy that they buttoned, (gonna needs like 3 more pounds before they fit right but any who). I was happy and thrilled with my progress, only to sit on hubby's lap to ask what he thought of it. He says you look good "BUT". (why did he have to put the but) I like you better before. He commented on my face and how he prefers when my cheeks are fuller. I walk away feeling like crap. It is very upsetting to feel so good and to be dragged down in the dumps. Now sure what exactly I am asking, guess I am just venting.
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Replies
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I think it is good not to get too skinny, especially when we get older but if my hubby wants me fat too bad. I am doing what makes me happy and I sure don't want to gain weight and cant wear my clothes. If he wants fat he should get a fat woman but not meee! I have worked too hard for this and it feels good.0
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it's a difficult thing. The most important thing is that you feel confident. Explain to him that you can't feel confident and love him properly if you can't respect and love yourself first.
It's also probably an adjustment thing. He WILL get over it.
He loves you for what's inside, he'll adapt to what's on the outside.0 -
I am getting frustrated with my situation. When I was heavier he loved it and I hated myself for it. I am getting close to where I am happy and he tells me he doesn't like it. FYI my goal weight is no where from being a stick, I like my curves, but Two nights ago I put on my smaller jeans that have not fit in a really long time and I was sooo excited and happy that they buttoned, (gonna needs like 3 more pounds before they fit right but any who). I was happy and thrilled with my progress, only to sit on hubby's lap to ask what he thought of it. He says you look good "BUT". (why did he have to put the but) I like you better before. He commented on my face and how he prefers when my cheeks are fuller. I walk away feeling like crap. It is very upsetting to feel so good and to be dragged down in the dumps. Now sure what exactly I am asking, guess I am just venting.
Girl, I feel ya on this. I was told tonight by my husband that he can tell I have lost weight but my butt is getting "jiggly" and not so round as it was before. He then went on to tell me that he missed my butt. Wtf, I only lost a fraction of what I want and need to lose but he was being honest. I told him flat out, that doesn't help my confidence and he acted like it was no big deal. I was thinking that I am starting to look good in my jeans and he tells me my butt is looking jiggly. THat sucks. I say whatever, it will get unjiggly soon enough and we need to do what makes us feel good about ourselves and makes us healthy. I went through this before when I lost weight, the more I got skinny he acted like I was wasting away. At least our hubbies loves us no matter what.0 -
talk to him. tell him it's important to you, and that he will have to learn to love the thin and healthy you. he will understand, and I think over time he will learn to love you the way you love yourself. my GF also likes chubby girls (well, she doesn't like too skinny girls ><) but she knows that I want to be thin and lean rather than chubby (yet keep my wonderful curves) and she learned to love and appreciate it. good luck girl and keep on going! also, very happy for you with the jeans, I'm sure you look fantastic in them
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Probably worried you'll ditch him if you get too hot and he's still a sack of potatos0
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Ask him what is more important: fuller cheeks or health??0
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My first thought was to wonder how his weight is. Maybe he does truly like you better chubby, or maybe he's just not use to seeing you skinny and he'll need some adjustment time, or maybe he's insecure and is afraid you'll leave him for 'better'.
It can be a lot of thing, and although it is discouraging. My hubby rolls his eyes every time I come home being proud of something I did at the gym, so I totally understand you.
I unfortunately don't have any advise. Just be proud of what you've accomplished... awesome for fitting in those jeans again!0 -
Probably worried you'll ditch him if you get too hot and he's still a sack of potatos
^^^ This....and could be a form of control...while you feel like crap about yourself, you will stick with him that 'loves' you the way you are...been there...done that...0 -
Bottom line is you need to stop talking to him about it and get your validation elsewhere because he isn't gonig to give it to you.
My So likes me a little heavier, too. I don't like me heavier and my opinion counts more than his because I have to live in and dress my body and he doesn't.0 -
I gotta believe that nothing is sexier than confidence. He will grow accustomed to your new body type and learn to love it for sure. Besides, he should be loving you for more than just the way you look
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I would definitely stress the health aspect. If he cares for you at all, you can talk about family history (if there is any) and how you want to be with him for a long, long time vs. your time being cut short due to weight-related illnesses. That should help put it in perspective more than just shallow things.0
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MY hubby liked me chubby
But he liked chubby thta much that he divorced me when I became fit..so.....I did not dealed with him hahahha0 -
My hubby is sorta the same way - in that he PREFERS a "fuller figure". I have lost over 60 pounds and I am good with it. He would never say anything ugly - but he truly does prefer me heavier. Since he loves me - he loves me....either way. So for me, I am happy to be healthier! But he misses the other girl - the heavier me. I feel fatter now then I did when I was fatter....so make sense of that craziness (??????) But as I get used to it - so will he. And I bet the same will happen for you! Try not to make it about the way you "look" to him - but about your health. You can quietly celebrate how you look until he comes around and sees how awesome you look too!0
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You've got to do what feels right for you. You obviously feel happier as you are, not to mention it is wonderful for your health and to be honest he is being pretty selfish. How our loved ones react to us has a serious effect on our health and specifically matters of weight. Don't let him bring you down and cause you to gain the weight back. I'd say you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and what his comments do to you. You've done absolutely amazingly to get this far. and I'm sure you look great. He should fancy you more because you have achieved so much and are proud of yourself!0
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Everybody has the right to like what they like. Being an larger woman might just be the "price of admission" you pay to be with your husband. If that price is too high for you...and it sounds like it is...let him know that you're unwilling to be bigger (and ultimately less confident) to stay with him. After that, the ball's in his court and it's "Love Me or Leave Me Alone" time.0
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My first thought was to wonder how his weight is. Maybe he does truly like you better chubby, or maybe he's just not use to seeing you skinny and he'll need some adjustment time, or maybe he's insecure and is afraid you'll leave him for 'better'.
It can be a lot of thing, and although it is discouraging. My hubby rolls his eyes every time I come home being proud of something I did at the gym, so I totally understand you.
I unfortunately don't have any advise. Just be proud of what you've accomplished... awesome for fitting in those jeans again!
Most DEF -> insecurity.
Reassure him that you love him and care about him regardless of how he looks, and you know he feels the same way about you.
You're losing weight and changing to a healthier lifestyle for YOU and you alone. There will always be someone who talks **** - as long as you're happy with yourself that's really all that matters.
Word only upset you as much as you LET them
<3<3<3
You got this :-D0 -
Probably worried you'll ditch him if you get too hot and he's still a sack of potatos
I was in a bit of a different situation - both my (now ex) wife and I were both big. After the divorce, I realized I was "Going along to get along", meaning when she would cook it, I would eat it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. Yes, NOBODY forced me to put that food in my mouth but me. But the implied guilt of "I cooked all day and that's ALL you are going to eat?" kept me very large. And as a secondary benefit to her, in her mind a large man was not tempting to other women.
Her mistake. Two years and almost 200 pounds later I'm still not tempting to women, but I do feel a lot better about myself.0 -
the implied guilt of "I cooked all day and that's ALL you are going to eat?"
I'd be perfectly happy about that! Leftovers means no cooking the next night.0 -
Hmmm.... sounds like a confidence issue for him. I am sure he feels neglected emotionally in some way, because your fitness routine may be taking attention away from him. Bottom line, ensure you are doing this for YOUR health and not to be threatened in any way. Either way, congrats on a very nice loss so far! Best of luck the rest of the way!0
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My husband has the good sense to never comment on my body. I am surprised that so many men comment.0
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Probably worried you'll ditch him if you get too hot and he's still a sack of potatos
Probably!0 -
My boyfriend likes chubby women too. Bigger than me. He likes me as I am now. However, no one has been more vocal about how proud they are of me than he has. No one has been more encouraging about taking off the rest of the weight than he has. He knows its about my health and happiness. He has even offered to pay for my skin surgery when I'm at that point. Why? Because he wants me around for a very long time. And, he finds me, the person inside, attractive. I'm a woman, I'll still have hips and curves.
If your husband has a preference for larger women, that's fine, we all have our tastes and preferences. The problem comes with his lack of support. I think it warrants a conversation between you two. He has to decide if the thinner you is a deal breaker and you have to decide if his lack of support is a deal breaker. Or you have to find a common ground in the middle. Good luck to you.0 -
Hmmm.... sounds like a confidence issue for him. I am sure he feels neglected emotionally in some way, because your fitness routine may be taking attention away from him. Bottom line, ensure you are doing this for YOUR health and not to be threatened in any way. Either way, congrats on a very nice loss so far! Best of luck the rest of the way!
Good insight good to hear the men side of this...it helps a lot!0 -
I would ignore all the people blaming HIM and just talk to him. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe you do look better with a fuller face. I saw a colleague yesterday who had lost a ton of weight, her body looked good but her face did look sunk in. Obviously something she can't help.
Just talk to him and find out what the issue really is and how it will or will not effect your relationship.0 -
There are a lot of people out there that "justify" (not that they need to, but it doesn't stop them from doing it) their weight to others by saying "My husband likes me this way."
If you're one of those people, ask him what weight he wants you at, and try to attain it.
If, on the other hand, you're losing your weight for yourself, and rightfully expect his acceptance on your (healthy) weightloss, then it doesn't really matter, does it?0 -
the implied guilt of "I cooked all day and that's ALL you are going to eat?"
I'd be perfectly happy about that! Leftovers means no cooking the next night.
ROFL!!! TOTALLY THAT!!!!!0 -
Where were all these chubby loving guys when I was fat and thought I'd stay that way??? LOL
Of course if I had one then I'd more than likely be in your situation now... so maybe it's better that I get to my goal then find someone? Might make things easier down the road for me.
Congrats on your weight loss and looking at your pics I can DEFINITELY tell :drinker:0 -
Confession Time: For AGES I used to say that I preferred my boyfriend to be a bit chubby, but now I realise that I was terrified I would look like his 'fat girlfriend' if he got in the great shape he was in before we met. I've never been fat-fat, but always had confidence issues and put on a bit of weight in the course of our relationship. As soon as I realised it was all about how I felt, not how he made me feel, I have been able to admit actually, I prefer men in shape, and I just needed to be secure enough in myself to feel like I was 'worthy.'
Not that I am saying this is definitely the issue here, but it may be something to consider. Talk to your hubby, it may be that this is just his way of keeping everything the same, and safe.0 -
Hmmm.... sounds like a confidence issue for him. I am sure he feels neglected emotionally in some way, because your fitness routine may be taking attention away from him. Bottom line, ensure you are doing this for YOUR health and not to be threatened in any way. Either way, congrats on a very nice loss so far! Best of luck the rest of the way!
I find that many men have a hard time to express things like this. He might just need a little more reassurance that you aren't just getting fit so you can find someone else. If you are spending a lot of time doing things without him I can see how this feeling might develop. Make sure you continue to show him how you feel and re-assure him. Talk to him and see if maybe this is a little part of why he feels as he does. Saying he prefers you heavier might be his way of crying out for emotional reassurance.0 -
My guy went through some of that, but he never said he liked me better fatter.
Part of it was worrying that I was getting fit for someone else, then the other part was worrying that I was going to lose my big butt. He was able to directly say what was bothering him, so it was a lot easier to deal with.
I assured him that one man was more than enough drama for me *while poking him in the ribs*, and then I took a serious assessment of my rear view. It WAS deflating, and not in a cool way. So, I started with squats, walking lunges and weighted hip raises. The rear view is lifting back up and getting round again, and he's happy.0
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