Funniest Fat joke you said about yourself

245

Replies

  • jewel22887
    jewel22887 Posts: 72
    I am very clumsy and fall at work at least once a month and when people ask me if I'm ok I just used to tell them I'm padded for impact.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    I can't take credit, but I love a friend's claim: "If someone tells me to haul *kitten*, I'll have to make two trips."

    LOL!!
  • gabbygirl78
    gabbygirl78 Posts: 936 Member
    I have fallen several times over the past couple of years and hurt myself pretty bad, breaking my hand one time and cracking my pelvis the last time. I told my daughter the other day" if I fall down these steps , just call 911 and a crane company to get me up!"
  • atmdaddy
    atmdaddy Posts: 51 Member
    My claim to fame........"Fittest fat man in Virginia Beach!"
  • 366to266
    366to266 Posts: 473 Member
    When people ask me what the weighing machine said, I always reply either:


    It said "No coach parties, please!"

    or

    It said "One at a time, please!"
  • 366to266
    366to266 Posts: 473 Member
    instead of being a Trophy Wife, I was a Monument Wife.

    LOVE IT!
  • ForTheZombies
    ForTheZombies Posts: 5
    Kids are great about asking the obvious. I carry my weight on my sides and back more than I do on the front. I had a little girl I was babysitting ask why my bathing suit looked weird, referring to my love upon love handles. I told her my Personal Flotation Device wasn't properly installed. The PFD has now become a regular term around the house. :p
  • CasiGal
    CasiGal Posts: 20 Member
    I can't believe I'm about to share this...

    I got this from my Dad....I've been known to pat my stomach and say, "All bought and paid for..." :embarassed:
  • Yanicka1
    Yanicka1 Posts: 4,564 Member
    I am 4'11" and I often said that it was faster to go over me than to go around me.
  • Via_14
    Via_14 Posts: 992 Member
    lol you so fat, you turned around once and it was your birthday again! LOL
  • touchafaith
    touchafaith Posts: 112 Member
    Not particularly a joke but at work we were all pretty behind in our reports etc and a co worker suggested we skip lunch to get it all done and dusted as quick as possible, I looked at her, pointed to my body and said "Do I look like a girl who skips her meals?" They found it pretty funny and I got to eat lunch :bigsmile:
  • danarandallreed
    danarandallreed Posts: 132 Member
    My favorite fat joke moment recently: I told my husband I had lost five pounds. He said, "Five pounds! That is awesome. Aren't you excited?" I replied, "Yeah, real excited. That is like throwing an ash tray off the Titantic."

    Also: I told my husband I had lost nine pounds and to promise he would tell me if I get too skinny. HA! I only have 51 more pounds to go before I am just a normal weight. He thought that was hilarious.
  • lejla2002
    lejla2002 Posts: 118 Member
    Not particularly a joke but at work we were all pretty behind in our reports etc and a co worker suggested we skip lunch to get it all done and dusted as quick as possible, I looked at her, pointed to my body and said "Do I look like a girl who skips her meals?" They found it pretty funny and I got to eat lunch :bigsmile:

    :laugh:
  • 1longroad
    1longroad Posts: 642 Member
    I have two sayings I used and still use on occasions. My favourite is 'It aint over till the fat lady sings, and Im not damn well singing!' and the other is 'I might be fat but thats an easy fix I just need to lose weight, at least I dont need plastic surgery or a personality transplant!'

    I have often used the fat lady one. What I find odd, is when I have called myself fat, people use other acronyms. You're not fat, you're fluffy, chubby, pleasingly plump, etc. Lol, now they say I am skinny, which I am not and never will be, lol.

    I am still 'overweight' according to the bmi chart!!!
  • gabbygirl78
    gabbygirl78 Posts: 936 Member
    Oh and I forgot about this one!

    My daughter:" Mom, come here and let me teach you how to twerk!"
    Me:" Gracelyn, If I try that I will beat myself half to death with all that bouncin in the front tryin to bounce what i got in the back!"
  • notdieting
    notdieting Posts: 116 Member
    My butts so big, 'I've got more crack than Harlem!

    Never mind, 'can you pinch and inch?', I'm more of a 'can you grab a slab?'

    If God meant me to eat healthy, he wouldna made steak taste so good.

    If God meant me to be a vegan, he wouldna made animals taste so good.

    I'm just a non-vomiting bulemic.

    I just look this bad to make my friends feel better.

    But there's just so much of me to love.

    Good thing I like camping, I've got a whole wardrobe full of tents.

    I'm not overweight, I'm under tall.

    and one for you Americans.....

    There's an explanation for the obesity in the States....In 1984, Band Aid said 'Feed the World' and the following year, USA for African said 'We are the World'
  • tystewy16
    tystewy16 Posts: 6 Member
    One of my favourites - "You must be on the level because the bubble is in the middle!"
  • catherinelauraohare
    catherinelauraohare Posts: 10 Member
    Bulk up to what? Fat *kitten*?
    Super fat *kitten*

    hahaha stole from southpark :laugh:
  • mollywhippet
    mollywhippet Posts: 1,890 Member
    It's not really a joke about myself, but it was the only time in my life I had a good comeback when I needed it.

    Years ago I was walking into the HyperMart store (the old name for WalMart SuperCenter) in Kansas City. A man and his son were behind me walking in the parking lot and the man started making pig noises, then they both laughed. This went on the whole way into the store and finally I turned around and said "That's great! Now can you do a *kitten*?"

    He actually had the nerve to complain that I embarrassed him in front of his son.
  • SpeSHul_SnoflEHk
    SpeSHul_SnoflEHk Posts: 6,256 Member
    I have always thought jokes like that were disrespectful, especially to oneself.

    Wow, I sound like I have no sense of humor! I do, I swear. But I just never (nor do I now) made jokes or comments about myself that seemed negative and/or degrading.

    Probably the closest I have come is when I used to go to restaurants with my dear male friend who is around 400 lb and my ex who was 300-ish and I was also 270 or so, I'd tell the server in a restaurant we wanted a table not a booth and I might make a lighthearted comment about not wedging 3 big people into a small booth. I've also commented (to friends) that I didn't want my boobs on the table (due to small booths). That is no longer an issue for me at 218 lb, which is nice. But yeah.

    I don't know. I use self-deprecating humour a lot. It helps to put people at ease. It defuses potentially toxic situations. It also helps to bring the elephant in the room out (yeah. it could be a fat joke).
  • SpeSHul_SnoflEHk
    SpeSHul_SnoflEHk Posts: 6,256 Member
    Oh yeah. The joke. Whenever someone would give me a look or comment about how much food I would eat or order, I would say. "Hey. You don't just get a body like this without working on it." Then I would grab a roll and jiggle it at them.
  • Quieau
    Quieau Posts: 428 Member
    I don't joke about it ... I dance about it ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lK6wOG_aDl8

    (Mo' bounce ... to the ounce!) Whooooo-hooooo! :smokin:
  • boatyboat
    boatyboat Posts: 60 Member
    Oh yeah. The joke. Whenever someone would give me a look or comment about how much food I would eat or order, I would say. "Hey. You don't just get a body like this without working on it." Then I would grab a roll and jiggle it at them.

    LOL...I have been the butt of my mother's fat jokes my entire life. Even when I was so skinny people thought I had an eating disorder anytime I picked up anything to eat...somewhere she was moo-ing or pointing it out and making a fat joke. So I ate the cookie and renamed her "Moo" instead of "Mom."

    She also once called her brother (who was very crazy about his body builder body) "Buffalo Butt" and he spent 2 hours in the bathroom mirror looking at his butt...

    So I come by my sarcasm honestly.
  • agabbin
    agabbin Posts: 1
    I'm not too fat. I'm three fat!
  • garber6th
    garber6th Posts: 1,890 Member
    My hairdresser asked me if I wanted my hair cut to chin length and I told him I wanted it double chin length :-)
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    I'm not fat...just into power lifting...
  • gabbygirl78
    gabbygirl78 Posts: 936 Member
    I'm chubby and I know it! Jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle yeah! :glasses:
  • hopefaithlove24
    hopefaithlove24 Posts: 454 Member
    I was standing in a line at a horseshow (bathrooms) once and this little brat kid would not stop kicking the back of my boots. I turned around and glared at him and his idiot mother twice and she just smiled at me. The third time I spun around got in the kids face and said "Kick me again and I will fall on you. I will crush you and you will die!" Then I stood up and glared at the mother and told her I am big enough to take her out too...

    They got outta line and ran away...

    Owh boy i love this!!!! You go! bahahah I would laugh so hard if that happened in front of me!
  • Heatherdawn5410
    Heatherdawn5410 Posts: 7
    "When I run my thighs clap and cheer me on"
  • muzmacol
    muzmacol Posts: 358 Member
    I try to keep in shape, just so happens this weeks shape is a bag of Potatoes!! BOOM!

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