Weight Loss Jealousy
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Thanks for the honesty 2fat. I hope I can last till she cracks, I really dont want my kids to live in a broken family. It makes planning a wedding seating chart really annoying.
I hate it when people denigrate single parents as having "broken" homes. I separated from my former husband when my daughters were infants and raised them myself. We were a loving, well-functioning family of women. They had a good childhood and adolescence surrounded by family and friends. They are now adults in their 30's, college educated, working in careers they enjoy, and have happy, full adult lives.
Whatever is wrong with your relationship will not be fixed by holding hands more. Talk it out with the help of a qualified therapist.0 -
She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.
Did she exhibit this behavior prior to you working so hard on yourself and losing your weight?
She is basically saying that you are not the man she met, but other than your weight and self confidence, what has changed? You actually look like a very nice person to me.
Have you told her how much it hurts your feelings when she jokes about the non-existent girlfriend and her coldness toward you?
Finally, is it possible that you two can get into counseling together? You sound like a devoted husband.0 -
I think we might all be guilty of jealousy when we see our significant other make accomplishments that we haven't/can't achieve. It's human nature. Weight loss can be hard to deal with because your appearance is the first thing people judge, and it's threatening to the other person when they know you look better. Even if we know that our jealously is ridiculous and we are obviously happy for the other person, there's just something that hangs over us, and kills our self confidence a little.
I don't really have any advice that hasn't been said already, I just understand where your wife is coming from. It's not easy to feel like the "ugly one". no matter how untrue and ridiculous it seems.
Keep going with your weight loss! Self-discipline can be contagious... and she may want to lose weight with you at some point. Sometimes struggles can make a relationship even stronger! good luck!0 -
Thanks for the honesty 2fat. I hope I can last till she cracks, I really dont want my kids to live in a broken family. It makes planning a wedding seating chart really annoying.
I hope I can last till she cracks...what do you mean by this. If she doesn't jump on the skinny train it might not work?
By the way, 9 year olds can be incredibly stressful. Hormones are starting, they become less fun..and you foster kids. I am starting to see the stress she could be under.0 -
I read this and thing, whoa. I guess I say that because my husband came out crying to me saying my weight was ruining our relationship. It didn't hurt, it was a smack of wake up call. I looked in the mirror and stepped on the scale crying my eyes out. Then I dried my tears and got my *kitten* up off the couch and did something about it. My husband is my rock as is God and if he felt the need to be so blunt ( he knows me, I like blunt and to the point) then he was showing general care in me and my health. He also has weight to loose and is beside me in my goals and eating habits.
I guess what I can give in this, is be honest with your wife. If she can be so honest and say she is unhappy as you are changing and she is not. Then tell her you are unhappy that she is not changing and can judge you on trying to be healthier.. I mean if you were my husband and offered to help give me tools to loose weight, as your wife I would listen and be accepting in it.
I guess that's all I can provide.
Also to add, I agree with everyone saying speak to a counselor/therapist. This does work and besides God it helped save my marriage. I may have only been married 7 years, but I can speak to my husband easier now knowing what he needs and him knowing what I need because of counseling. ( still in it ) 0 -
Great suggestion. And hey I'm not perfect I just can describe everytging that is going on very easily. She is a great person having a problem with change.
It's clear that you love her and are willing to see things through. I hope you guys can find a new balance sooner rather than later. It's worth it.0 -
We spoke about it again last night and the words came out. You're not the man I married, this isn't what I signed up for. And my fav , my man doesn't eat salad everyday.
I reassured her that I'm not going to give up on US. And that we did both sign up for sickness and health, this I can remember discussing the wording.
When I mention counseling for the both of us she left the room.
When I said something about her cracking I meant her accepting the new me.
Currently she is not very open and said isn't 50lb enough.
It could be but I'm not ready to stop.
Thank you everyone.0 -
I get the sense that you WANT her to lose weight too, but that you aren't totally up front about it. If you are really clear you don't need her to change her weight/eating habits, then tell her that and mean it.
Nothing about her weight will make her a better mother/worse mother, so let her choices affect her life. My wife lost some weight at one point, and I was always grateful that she didn't put pressure on me in the slightest about changing my excessive dessert consumption. Eventually, I did decide to lose weight and even start exercising, and I'm getting a chance to repay the favor.
I can imagine it's hard for you to not share your enthusiasm with her about the wonderful life changes you are making. Reiterating that you don't need her to change for you might be supportive for her to hear.0 -
We spoke about it again last night and the words came out. You're not the man I married, this isn't what I signed up for. And my fav , my man doesn't eat salad everyday.
I reassured her that I'm not going to give up on US. And that we did both sign up for sickness and health, this I can remember discussing the wording.
When I mention counseling for the both of us she left the room.
When I said something about her cracking I meant her accepting the new me.
Currently she is not very open and said isn't 50lb enough.
It could be but I'm not ready to stop.
Thank you everyone.
take a look at it from a different perspective... everyone here that has seen some results with MFP and their weight loss will agree... for a while it can be pretty all inclusive and borderline obsessive. Im NOT saying its a bad thing, but im also not in any kind of live in relationship with the responsibilities of a husband/wife/parent.
Yes your body is changing... and she is probably hurt and insecure because she is not ready or willing to change herself right now... that scares her..
BUT your habits have changed.. your focus has changed... if you were her eating buddy... how much time do you spend on yourself now, that you use to spend with her? do you ask her to go with you on your walks? have you offered to cook for your family? im not saying its fair for her to push you away and be angry about your decisions to eat better and be healthier... but it sounds like your reaction to her anger about your journey has been to close yourself off about it,
you said she is cold in the bedroom now... have you reached out to her or been trying to "tip toe" around her hurt and her anger?
You cant push her into making a decision to join you.. but rather than not talking about it or hiding it from her sight... be more proactive about including her and your childeren in your healthier choices and decisions.
Salads are AWESOME, you can set up a BANGIN salad, full of protien and veggie goodness for your whole family...
Maybe her jealosy is more about her feeling left out of this part of her life... a part that used to belong to her.0 -
It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.
If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.
Not exactly. She had complained to me that I wasn't trying to help her. So I told her anytime she wants my help I'm here. She then a week later started talking about the gym so I encouraged her. Unless she was testing me with some sort of game I'd say she was atleast interested.
I have told her numerous times I love her no matter the size. She said she findsbit difficult to believe that a guy would want a larger than him wife. I said I was 50 lbs over her pretty much the whole time and she loved me why wouldn't I. Ive always been attracted to curvy ladies. Always will be. Like sir mix alot says 'I like big butts and I cant deny'
Sorry, prying. I'm a Psychology major. It sounds a lot more like insecurities than jealousy. If that's the case, there is nothing you can say or do. She has to gain a bit of confidence. I hope everything turns out well for you. Be patient.
Not from relationships, but I've been jealous of friends who lost weight. Especially some guy friends. 'Curvy' is not the terminology I would use. Curvy makes a girl feel like you're telling her that there are more rolls on her than in a tube of polos. Just be nice, and if she wants to go to the gym, offer to go with her. It's hard, especially when you feel self conscious because you're the one fat person at the gym. Very daunting. Good luck!0 -
Agree but someone asked. Its hard to explain the problem without being honest about everything. As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.
This sounds like a very selfish position. You are not typing the words- but I am hearing you do want her to change, you do want her to join you on this journey and even if your marriage fails you are not going to stop your weight-loss. Don't think she is stupid- she hears it too - its not just the words, it is actions. Your mouth may be saying what you think are the right things but your actions speak volumes. Reconnect with your wife - try to find a balance in your journey and your marriage. I promise you - if you let your marriage fail you will regret it.0 -
Losing a lot of weight requires a total change in lifestyle. A lifestyle your wife no longer feels a part of. I have lost a ton of weight myself, and know that even what I converse about has changed. I imagine your wife feels alone, lonely, and misses her man. to you all the changes are for the better. For her point of view, not so much. I doubt flattery will help this. I don't believe it is jealousy either.0
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First of all - I wish you the best of luck in getting through this together. It certainly seems like you both value your relationship.
Change is hard - no matter who is changing. The family dynamic shifts, daily life changes, the food in your pantry changes and how you spend your free time is different now. Change may be terrifying for some people - even the good changes make them feel insecure about their environment because it's different. Adjustment may take time.
I think of it like grief - you go through the stages when a major shift happens in your life - you deny that it's happening, you get angry that it happened to you, and finally you move on to accepting the change. As much as she may want to join you in your journey, she may just need to get to that acceptance phase before feeling secure enough to do it.
I have been married for 16 years as well, and we have been fit together, and we have been fat together. We have lost weight together, and separately. It all depends on the circumstances at the time. I just spent 2 years getting rid of 70 lbs of "happy married person" weight - you know, the kind that creeps on right under your nose while you're busy being a happy family? Keeping the peace meant not judging the other person's choices, accepting that the battle is theirs to fight if they choose, and that what works for one of us, won't always work for the other. (Case in point: we continue to disagree on weight-lifting methods - isolation vs. compound) :grumble:
He's finally in a place where he can get on the bandwagon with me and I am so excited for him. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I'm looking forward to this being the last time we have to make this journey together - so we can enjoy the rest of our lives together.0 -
I have experienced this, and have to say that I have been subject to SO many more *****y comments from other people since losing weight than I ever was before.
I have also heard of people trying to sabotage a partner's weight loss, because they can't be bothered doing it on their own and don't want to lose their partner.. but to me, that's absolutely disgusting, as it's putting their health at risk. I would support my partner through losing weight, and did, even before I started losing myself.
There are many situations in life where you learn who your true friends are. One is when you're rock bottom, and one is when you start to make something of yourself. Unfortunately, a lot of my female friends were only friends with me because I made them feel better about their own weight. And yes, they admitted to that being the case. Lovely, eh!0 -
Just wanted to add my 2 cents which has probably already been said but it sounds like your wife is just feeling insecure about herself right now. She isn't ready to change her lifestyle yes and get fit like you are.
I started this journey and hubby wasn't on board at all and was telling me I was becoming obsessed, etc. He went to a recent doctor's appointment and was shocked at his weight and his high blood pressure, etc. and is no on board with losing weight. He hasn't gotten to the point of wanting to exercise but baby steps.
Maybe just do the dieting and exercise on the down low for a bit so she doesn't feel like it's "in her face" kind of thing. I guarantee you she will come around. It just takes time. It's like they say with alcoholics and drug addicts, no one can sober them up until they decide it is time.
Hope it all works out for you.0 -
As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.
No it doesn't. Couples counseling isn't adversarial - at least it isn't intended to be. It's about communicating ideas and understanding points of view. You don't surrender who you are or give up on individual goals.
Good luck dude; sounds like you're really working and that sort of work pays off. As they say, patience is love.
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My ex husband did the same thing... Insecure. he thought I would lose the weight and find someone better than him and I didn't want anyone else. I did all the right things but in the end his jealousy became too much for me to handle. The accusations started as playful then became consuming. While i was losing weight, my self esteem was being torn down with it. I ended up gaining all my weight back and divorcing him. :frown: Wish you better luck than I had. It is still sad to me today because we had a wonderful marriage and beautiful family at one time.0
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It is really hard to provide advice when only one person's perspective is known...
How did you bring up counseling and is she viewing that as you telling her that there is something wrong with her? I also wonder if she isn't jealous of the "time" you are putting into your fitness more than anything. Have you asked her what she means by "she didn't sign up for this?" and "You are not the man I married" Those are statements that require more clarifying.0 -
Agree but someone asked. Its hard to explain the problem without being honest about everything. As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.
Marriage counseling doesn't have to be blame-oriented in the way that you describe. You can both go with the intentions of improving your communication, expressing concerns, problem-solving together...all in order to strengthen your relationship. 0 -
my man doesn't eat salad everyday.
Oh geez.
While I love food-- LOVE food-- it would never define me, or my husband. If I were concerned about his health or that he wasn't eating enough, I'd bring that up (and have before). Would it sink in with her if you explained that you want to live a long time so you can be by her side and raise your kids together? That this isn't about vanity, but health and wellness and being able to be strong for her?
I've never heard anyone be like this-- it's very surprising to me, and sad. Do you still eat meals together? Do you still spend that time together? Be mindful of that. But it's also important for couples to have their own identities and make their own choices. This sounds a lot like your fitness is making her frustrated with her lack of fitness. That leads to her blaming you for her frustrations and disappointment.
But you can't help that-- and couples counseling could help bring out those issues where she can see them, and where you can address them. Couples counseling doesn't mean you're reaching compromise, it means having a third party who can see all the angles to help facilitate communication and discussion.0 -
SO I think nearly all of us here who have lost a significant amount or even just a small amount of weight have had someone in their life try to sabotage them. For me, it was my friends who felt I was judging their lifestyle because I would not go out to eat with them. I had to constantly tell them that I wanted to change my life. That I needed to do this so I could have a healthier life. It seems you have tried quite a bit to tell your wife that it doesn't matter what happens, you love her! I think the biggest problem is that she doesn't understand your motivations for losing weight and that it has nothing to do with her, except maybe to make you healthier so you can be there for her. Maybe talk with her about why you are losing this weight and have a discussion on how it will improve your relationship with her and not damage it. I might also suggest going to counselor. It seems that she feels insecure and if someone can help her get over the insecurities, I'm sure your relationship will improve. And it gives you a chance to show her that you will always be there for her. I'm glad you are sticking this out and not giving up on your marriage just because your wife doesn't understand. I think so many people get married but do not understand that marriage takes work and that you just can't give up when it gets hard. I would never advise someone to leave their spouse, unless they were abused or cheated on. And I commend you for all of your effort!0
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We spoke about it again last night and the words came out. You're not the man I married, this isn't what I signed up for. And my fav , my man doesn't eat salad everyday.
I reassured her that I'm not going to give up on US. And that we did both sign up for sickness and health, this I can remember discussing the wording.
When I mention counseling for the both of us she left the room.
When I said something about her cracking I meant her accepting the new me.
Currently she is not very open and said isn't 50lb enough.
It could be but I'm not ready to stop.
Thank you everyone.
Someone who loves you wants what is best for you --- not for you to eat yourself into the grave so that they will feel better about themselves. To want you to be self destructive to make her feel better makes me cringe.0 -
It's insecurity on her part, and it's not entirely unfounded. You said she's overweight and you used to be her eating buddy - I'm sure she's afraid that you will think you look "too good" for her and want someone thinner/more attractive/younger or whatever.
Sadly, I have seen this happen. A few female friends who went from NOT to HOT and decided they could hook up with "better looking" men than who they were with at the time, never mind the guys were total sweethearts who completely supported them through their transformation! I've also had male friends who were ribbed about being "chubby chasers" because their girlfriends were overweight; and their male AND female friends would ask, "Why are you with HER??" Ugh...I'm sure your wife is insecure for these exact reasons.
That being said, it's certainly not true for EVERYONE.
Why doesn't she want to come along on this weight loss journey with you?0 -
Someone who loves you wants what is best for you --- not for you to eat yourself into the grave so that they will feel better about themselves.
^^
her insecurity and jealousy of your time youre now spending on YOU is stronger right now than the love that should always come out on top...0 -
People only keep acting a certain way if they are getting something from it. She sure gets a lot of your attention and reassurance by making your weight loss all about her... Maybe stop feeding into to her negativity for a while and see what happens. Change the subject or walk out of the room. I think it will just take time for her to deal with how your weight loss makes her feel, no matter what you say. So help her move on by not playing her game. Everything you have said about your marriage reminds me so much of what a couple goes through and says to each other when one person gets clean and sober while the other is "not ready". If you don't want to go to counseling, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a book on co-dependency or marriage and addition recovery. I wish her all the best. She sounds like a woman really hurting but stuck behind her own walls, knowing it will be too painful to admit she needs help.0
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Do you pitch in with laundry, cooking and cleaning? Do you help chauffer the kids to MD appointments, dental appointments, ball practice, after school activities and play dates? She may not feel like she has time to work out, cook healthy, keep the house reasonably clean and keep up the laundry all at the same time. I know how she feels. I remember how frustrated I felt sometimes when I was trying to raise 3 kids, keep up with the house, the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, the dental appointments, the ball practices and guitar lessons. I had no time for myself.
If you can't help with these, can you at least get a cleaning lady for her once every week or two and make every kid over 12 (including you) responsible for his or her own laundry? That helped me tremendously.
You also need to have a frank talk with her. Obviously, you are doing the right thing by continuing to assure her of your love and commitment to her, but she has to work at this relationship too. Tell her that you love her and are attracted to her, but that you are unhappy in your marriage because of her attitude, not her looks. Let her know that you are not going to go back to your unhealthy ways and that it is unfair and even immoral of her to expect you to in order to make her happy. People do die young, you know. My husband died of a brain tumor at age 47. Remind her that you don't want to leave her a widow early, and THAT IT DOES HAPPEN! I am a nurse and I see it all the time. Guys dropping dead at 50 from widow maker heart attacks. Once, when I started working night shift and gained weight, I did not want to go with my husband to some gathering. I didn't want people to see my weight gain. I didn't want him to compare me to all our in shape friends. He told me, "Honey, as long as you are with me, and you have a good attitude, I will never look at another woman, but if you start whining and being negative, I might. It's not your looks that make me love you, it's your attitude". Wow! That was an ah ha moment for me. He was as good as his word, and we had a happy marriage, in ALL areas.0 -
Familiar scenario here. I got to the point of utter disgust with myself a few years back. Since then am down 50lbs or so. Definitely some insecurity issues from my wife since. In moments of honesty, there has been admitted jealousy (though I think it's more like resentment) regarding how I'm able to have made such a change. I'm not an demonstrative guy in terms of being openly affectionate, but given the insecurity issues, I've really trying to go out of my way to be moreso. In addition, I've completely stopped bringing up anything health/fitness/running related, though it's become a big part of my life and quite therapeutic. It's something I'd like to be able to share with her and the kids.
Any time the subject comes up at all from her perspective, I try to be supportive,The conversation invariably turns to having the willpower to keep it up. I've tried explaining that I just got to a point of utter disgust with myself, and given my poor family health history, needed to make a change, and thats my motivating factor. However, this line of discussion ends up in a "Well if *you* were disgusted with yourself, what do you think of *me*" fashion. I wish she could accept that the work I'm putting in is about me, and not some reflection on her.
She's a stay at home mom, with one child in school and another in pre-k, the latter of which is difficult schedule-wise due to only having only 2hrs in between pick-ups and drop-offs every day. in addition to carting both of them to multiple extracurricular activities, so there's some difficulty in her finding the time. I get it. I freely admit that I'm lucky in that I've got a job that allows me a fair amount of time to do what I need to. I always offer to get out of work early to allow her to go to classes at the local gym, use our treadmill, whatever.
I'm hopeful though - on her request, recently brought her to the running store to get fitted & buy with new shoes, and she's said she's sick of the excuses and would like my help in getting her moving. We're planning out healthier meal options, and also some family track time down at the local high school - my son wants to "beat me" in a race, and my daughter would be just as happy doing cartwheels on the football field. If she can start to see some results, I'm thinking it will light a fire for her to commit to get to where she will wants to be, and most importantly, be happy.
The decision really comes down to one person deciding to not only want to make changes, but committing to sticking to them. I'll gladly help wherever I can, but it's not something I (or probably anyone for that matter) can force on someone.
Best of luck to you.0 -
She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.
You need to talk about what she is unhappy about and what she liked about the old you. When I decided to change my lifestyle I talked with my husband and let him know the reason I wanted to do this so we could have more quality time with each other and with our children. We talk almost daily about the things I learn not only about foods but even more important my thoughts, my battles, my victories. This communication has actually brought us closer together and allowed me to trust him even more with sharing my feelings. My sister recently changed her lifestyle and has lost 48 lbs. He made the comment about how fast she did it and why hadn't I. It started to hurt my feeling and make me angry and disappointed. I choose to share that I had lost it just as fast in the begging but am now in a different stage and how what he said made me feel and why I was sharing those feeling with him BECAUSE I want there to not be anything we can not share with each other. He said he had not realized not only how it may have made me feel but also that I had lost just as fast in the beginning. He shared he was proud that I shared how it made me feel rather clamming up or even worse eating through my feelings.
I share every accomplishment and goal with him and he supports all my decisions (even if I do decide to have that bite of whatever that I shouldn't) We both understand that I am doing this for me but I am also doing it for us. I wish you luck and do trust and communicate. No matter what other say do not leave and fight for what you believe is important.0 -
Someone who loves you wants what is best for you --- not for you to eat yourself into the grave so that they will feel better about themselves.
^^
her insecurity and jealousy of your time youre now spending on YOU is stronger right now than the love that should always come out on top...
Nailed that one. She said that in her own way.0 -
I didn't read all the responses to I appologize if this is the same version of advice you got earlier but I don't think it's jealousy. More than likely she is resentful because seeing your actions pay dividends with respect to your health and weight loss serve as a painful reminder that she is CHOOSING to remain fat. She clearly isn't ready to take the first step so I don't know what to suggest other than time. I think she'll probably be wise to the "do you want to come for a walk" thing. It sounds like she's already painfully aware of her issues. I'd just flat out tell her that her jokes are rude and you're not going to be cut down by her insecurities. Call her out on it and it will likely stop. Whether or not she wants to join you on the path to good health is irrelevant.0
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