Weight Loss Jealousy

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  • FitCanuckChick
    FitCanuckChick Posts: 240 Member
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    She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

    I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.
  • TheFitHooker
    TheFitHooker Posts: 3,358 Member
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    You won't hear the "Leave" comment from me, that's one thing I don't think anyone should judge on doing unless they are in that relationship.

    Ok so my husband and I have been married 10 together 12 years. I was always over weight, even when we were dating. He didn't seem to mind, there was only one time he ever made a comment about my weight but that was in a heated conversation, he called me a fat *kitten* lol. Anyways, that was over 2 year's ago. I lost my weight but during the journey he would make comments like "You're losing this weight and you are going to leave me, aren't you?" and "You are going to cheat on me, are you cheating on me?" Even though I've never given him any indication that I would leave him or cheat on him.

    I have hit my weight loss goal and he's happy for me, but I do once in awhile here the "I need to put a leash on you so you won't leave me." and it would make me giggle if he didn't act as if I can't go hang out with my girl friends once in awhile. I do but usually that's like pulling teeth with him, I told him he can't expect me to sit in the house all the time and be happy, that he has got to trust me, I never given him any reason to doubt me.

    Yes we're better but there is still a little tension there, we get along better but it's that one issue. I have one friend who's been begging me to meet her for lunch, and every time I bring it up it's "We need to watch the money right now." But one of them days was today, and he went to put money down on a new video game. Next time I'll just go and tell him after wards, because that's what he is driving me to doing. I don't ask him, I usually tell him "Hey, (girls name) wants me to go have lunch with her, so just letting ya know where I'll be." out of respect for him. He usually will have a reason as to why I can't. BUT when my mom invites me to go to Karaoke with them, he has no issues because it's my mom.
  • paulygi
    paulygi Posts: 58
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    BTW, my husband is, and always has been skinnier than me. He thought I was a hottie, even at 210lb's, (or so he says, lol) and still does now. (referring to the post that said she can't believe a guy would be happy with a larger woman.)

    Thanks for that.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
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    She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

    I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

    Good call.
  • paulygi
    paulygi Posts: 58
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    Thank you for all the great replies. This issue comes in a very close 2nd to lossing the damn weight.
  • paulygi
    paulygi Posts: 58
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    She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.



    I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

    Good call.

    Agree but someone asked. Its hard to explain the problem without being honest about everything. As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    I would never, ever tell you to leave your wife and I commend you for making your position on that clear from the beginning. Also, I think from reading your posts that you are trying hard to be as thoughtful and reassuring as you can. I admire your "I'm doing all the work because..." statement, simply because so many people are too selfish to think that their spouse may be struggling with something and for now the lion's share of the work might fall to them until things come around again, and instead adopt the thinking that "it's so unfair and I shouldn't have to do more than meet him/her halfway." It's a very loving attitude and I really hope that it all pays off.

    Change is hard for people. You say were her eating buddy. I get that. And especially if she is a little insecure already, the recent changes may have her really off-balance. If she is making imaginary girlfriend comments, I would venture to say that she really is probably afraid that you may be lost to her as a result of the new things in your life. I'm not saying it's right or even logical, but emotions are funny, as you seem to be well aware.

    The only suggestion I have, other than to keep doing what you're doing, is to focus a bit on finding new things to share. Whether that means taking up a hobby, doing puzzles, having game nights, making or building something together, having friends over for movies or yard volleyball or drinks, whatever. Maybe it also includes foods that fall into some common ground for you that you can still cook/seek out and enjoy together. Maybe she can begin to feel that you aren't losing your common interests and time together, but only that they are laterally shifting a bit to other things you can also share.

    Of course, I don't know your life or circumstances and I don't mean to suggest that you don't spend time together. You may well be doing this already.

    I wouldn't necessarily push fitness-related activities, until you begin to see some further cues from her that she is receptive to those. Just spend time with her and keep being thoughtful about her feelings and needs. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Don't give up.

    Congratulations on your progress to date, as well. It's a great accomplishment with no doubt more to come.
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.

    Only the two of you can decide whether this is an option for you. However, the point of counseling isn't necessarily to find a compromise, but to help you communicate. If there are core things that aren't negotiable (and of course there are), then the idea would be to help one another to understand those, the reasons for them, and how to live with them together. Where compromises can be made, then sometimes a mediated communication can help you both to explore how best to accomplish that. Sometimes couples get into ruts or weird dynamics when trying to communicate about certain issues and need better tools, that's all.
  • FitCanuckChick
    FitCanuckChick Posts: 240 Member
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    She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.



    I have been married 4 16 yeas this friday and this is not something I would be saying on a public forum...it won't help and for sure your wife will know u are on Mfp. I would be seeking couples counselling.

    Good call.

    Agree but someone asked. Its hard to explain the problem without being honest about everything. As for the couple counseling, that would imply I am wrong somehow and willing to bargain or compromise. But I have nothing to compromise, I'm on the weight loss train to slimsville and its a one way ticket.
    That is not what couples counselling is at all about. It is about being able to see each other through a different lens. And help get through a difficult time. If you truly want to work on this than work on this. Don't make this only about you and your weight loss. No matter what advice you get here Mfp will not save a marriage....
  • paulygi
    paulygi Posts: 58
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    The only suggestion I have, other than to keep doing what you're doing, is to focus a bit on finding new things to share. Whether that means taking up a hobby, doing puzzles, having game nights, making or building something together, having friends over for movies or yard volleyball or drinks, whatever. Maybe it also includes foods that fall into some common ground for you that you can still cook/seek out and enjoy together. Maybe she can begin to feel that you aren't losing your common interests and time together, but only that they are laterally shifting a bit to other things you can also share.

    Of course, I don't know your life or circumstances and I don't mean to suggest that you don't spend time together. You may well be doing this already.

    I wouldn't necessarily push fitness-related activities, until you begin to see some further cues from her that she is receptive to those. Just spend time with her and keep being thoughtful about her feelings and needs. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Don't give up.

    Congratulations on your progress to date, as well. It's a great accomplishment with no doubt more to come.

    Great suggestion. And hey I'm not perfect I just can describe everytging that is going on very easily. She is a great person having a problem with change.
  • SherryTeach
    SherryTeach Posts: 2,836 Member
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    Thanks for the honesty 2fat. I hope I can last till she cracks, I really dont want my kids to live in a broken family. It makes planning a wedding seating chart really annoying. :)

    I hate it when people denigrate single parents as having "broken" homes. I separated from my former husband when my daughters were infants and raised them myself. We were a loving, well-functioning family of women. They had a good childhood and adolescence surrounded by family and friends. They are now adults in their 30's, college educated, working in careers they enjoy, and have happy, full adult lives.

    Whatever is wrong with your relationship will not be fixed by holding hands more. Talk it out with the help of a qualified therapist.
  • SLLRunner
    SLLRunner Posts: 12,942 Member
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    She is flat out telling me shes unhappy and like the old me. I've changed too much. I can see she all the classic traits of the jealousy. Makes jokes about and my new gf that doesnt exist. Very cold in bed and not temperature wise.

    Did she exhibit this behavior prior to you working so hard on yourself and losing your weight?

    She is basically saying that you are not the man she met, but other than your weight and self confidence, what has changed? You actually look like a very nice person to me.

    Have you told her how much it hurts your feelings when she jokes about the non-existent girlfriend and her coldness toward you?

    Finally, is it possible that you two can get into counseling together? You sound like a devoted husband.
  • chillbear416
    chillbear416 Posts: 2
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    I think we might all be guilty of jealousy when we see our significant other make accomplishments that we haven't/can't achieve. It's human nature. Weight loss can be hard to deal with because your appearance is the first thing people judge, and it's threatening to the other person when they know you look better. Even if we know that our jealously is ridiculous and we are obviously happy for the other person, there's just something that hangs over us, and kills our self confidence a little.

    I don't really have any advice that hasn't been said already, I just understand where your wife is coming from. It's not easy to feel like the "ugly one". no matter how untrue and ridiculous it seems.

    Keep going with your weight loss! Self-discipline can be contagious... and she may want to lose weight with you at some point. Sometimes struggles can make a relationship even stronger! good luck!
  • FitCanuckChick
    FitCanuckChick Posts: 240 Member
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    Thanks for the honesty 2fat. I hope I can last till she cracks, I really dont want my kids to live in a broken family. It makes planning a wedding seating chart really annoying. :)

    I hope I can last till she cracks...what do you mean by this. If she doesn't jump on the skinny train it might not work?

    By the way, 9 year olds can be incredibly stressful. Hormones are starting, they become less fun..and you foster kids. I am starting to see the stress she could be under.
  • OMGeeeHorses
    OMGeeeHorses Posts: 732 Member
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    I read this and thing, whoa. I guess I say that because my husband came out crying to me saying my weight was ruining our relationship. It didn't hurt, it was a smack of wake up call. I looked in the mirror and stepped on the scale crying my eyes out. Then I dried my tears and got my *kitten* up off the couch and did something about it. My husband is my rock as is God and if he felt the need to be so blunt ( he knows me, I like blunt and to the point) then he was showing general care in me and my health. He also has weight to loose and is beside me in my goals and eating habits.

    I guess what I can give in this, is be honest with your wife. If she can be so honest and say she is unhappy as you are changing and she is not. Then tell her you are unhappy that she is not changing and can judge you on trying to be healthier.. I mean if you were my husband and offered to help give me tools to loose weight, as your wife I would listen and be accepting in it.

    I guess that's all I can provide.

    Also to add, I agree with everyone saying speak to a counselor/therapist. This does work and besides God it helped save my marriage. I may have only been married 7 years, but I can speak to my husband easier now knowing what he needs and him knowing what I need because of counseling. ( still in it :) )
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    Great suggestion. And hey I'm not perfect I just can describe everytging that is going on very easily. She is a great person having a problem with change.

    It's clear that you love her and are willing to see things through. I hope you guys can find a new balance sooner rather than later. It's worth it.
  • paulygi
    paulygi Posts: 58
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    We spoke about it again last night and the words came out. You're not the man I married, this isn't what I signed up for. And my fav , my man doesn't eat salad everyday.

    I reassured her that I'm not going to give up on US. And that we did both sign up for sickness and health, this I can remember discussing the wording.

    When I mention counseling for the both of us she left the room.

    When I said something about her cracking I meant her accepting the new me.

    Currently she is not very open and said isn't 50lb enough.

    It could be but I'm not ready to stop.

    Thank you everyone.
  • fitmusiclifeviola
    fitmusiclifeviola Posts: 99
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    I get the sense that you WANT her to lose weight too, but that you aren't totally up front about it. If you are really clear you don't need her to change her weight/eating habits, then tell her that and mean it.
    Nothing about her weight will make her a better mother/worse mother, so let her choices affect her life. My wife lost some weight at one point, and I was always grateful that she didn't put pressure on me in the slightest about changing my excessive dessert consumption. Eventually, I did decide to lose weight and even start exercising, and I'm getting a chance to repay the favor.
    I can imagine it's hard for you to not share your enthusiasm with her about the wonderful life changes you are making. Reiterating that you don't need her to change for you might be supportive for her to hear.
  • Naener
    Naener Posts: 167 Member
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    We spoke about it again last night and the words came out. You're not the man I married, this isn't what I signed up for. And my fav , my man doesn't eat salad everyday.

    I reassured her that I'm not going to give up on US. And that we did both sign up for sickness and health, this I can remember discussing the wording.

    When I mention counseling for the both of us she left the room.

    When I said something about her cracking I meant her accepting the new me.

    Currently she is not very open and said isn't 50lb enough.

    It could be but I'm not ready to stop.

    Thank you everyone.

    take a look at it from a different perspective... everyone here that has seen some results with MFP and their weight loss will agree... for a while it can be pretty all inclusive and borderline obsessive. Im NOT saying its a bad thing, but im also not in any kind of live in relationship with the responsibilities of a husband/wife/parent.

    Yes your body is changing... and she is probably hurt and insecure because she is not ready or willing to change herself right now... that scares her..

    BUT your habits have changed.. your focus has changed... if you were her eating buddy... how much time do you spend on yourself now, that you use to spend with her? do you ask her to go with you on your walks? have you offered to cook for your family? im not saying its fair for her to push you away and be angry about your decisions to eat better and be healthier... but it sounds like your reaction to her anger about your journey has been to close yourself off about it,

    you said she is cold in the bedroom now... have you reached out to her or been trying to "tip toe" around her hurt and her anger?
    You cant push her into making a decision to join you.. but rather than not talking about it or hiding it from her sight... be more proactive about including her and your childeren in your healthier choices and decisions.

    Salads are AWESOME, you can set up a BANGIN salad, full of protien and veggie goodness for your whole family...

    Maybe her jealosy is more about her feeling left out of this part of her life... a part that used to belong to her.
  • linnymex
    linnymex Posts: 5
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    It sounds like you went from accepting who she was to trying to change her just because you decided to lose weight. You pressuring her to change and talking about exercise and weight loss is probably making her feel bad about herself. If she doesn't want to lose weight, don't force her. Let her know you love her no matter what and do NOT try to change her. Remember that this is YOUR journey.

    If I was her, I would be feeling unattractive. You as her husband are basically looking at her and saying, your over weight, lose some of it. She probably no longer feels comfortable naked around you, hence the sex issues. Its probably nothing that you are doing to change yourself that is causing the issues. It's about you trying to change her and not accepting the way she looks and has looked for a while.

    Not exactly. She had complained to me that I wasn't trying to help her. So I told her anytime she wants my help I'm here. She then a week later started talking about the gym so I encouraged her. Unless she was testing me with some sort of game I'd say she was atleast interested.

    I have told her numerous times I love her no matter the size. She said she findsbit difficult to believe that a guy would want a larger than him wife. I said I was 50 lbs over her pretty much the whole time and she loved me why wouldn't I. Ive always been attracted to curvy ladies. Always will be. Like sir mix alot says 'I like big butts and I cant deny'

    Sorry, prying. I'm a Psychology major. It sounds a lot more like insecurities than jealousy. If that's the case, there is nothing you can say or do. She has to gain a bit of confidence. I hope everything turns out well for you. Be patient.


    Not from relationships, but I've been jealous of friends who lost weight. Especially some guy friends. 'Curvy' is not the terminology I would use. Curvy makes a girl feel like you're telling her that there are more rolls on her than in a tube of polos. Just be nice, and if she wants to go to the gym, offer to go with her. It's hard, especially when you feel self conscious because you're the one fat person at the gym. Very daunting. Good luck!

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