Non supportive partner

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  • jdad1
    jdad1 Posts: 1,899 Member
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    I know you're trying to stay on top of things and counting your calories, but if bf isn't dieting too, how can you expect him to know not to put oil on the steak? Which makes it very yummy by the way.
    I'm sorry but you're being very hard on him and expecting him to do the work for you. If you don't want to figure out the calories in something he has cooked, for you, then you're going to cook for yourself.
    If you look at this from his point of view for a minute hopefully you will see things a bit differently. You decided to make a change, and it sounds like you are demanding him to make one as well when he has no reason or desire to.


    Well said^^^
    She is the one watching her calories. He does not have to do it for her. Just stress the importance of knowing what is in your food so you can log accuretly. Don't be a pain and nag about it. Work around it or cook for yourself.
  • dsjohndrow
    dsjohndrow Posts: 1,821 Member
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    You hand your man a list of what you will and won't eat. May as well give him portion sizes too. If he can't just do it without understanding, it's sad. When my wife say she doesn't like eggplant, I don't cook it. Rocket Science 101.
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
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    My husband does the "add oil without telling me" too. He always says it's only a tablespoon or two, not realizing that a couple tablespoons is NOT a nondescript amount of calories. Those things add up when it's oil you're talking about! Now I tell him he can add whatever he wants to food as long as he tells me, and he also has to realize that if whatever he adds makes me go over, that means more time I have to spend working out while he watches the baby. That almost took care of the problem right there.
  • slouw10
    slouw10 Posts: 82 Member
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    Think for some of the men that does not need to watch their weight it is a very wierd and "over the top" thing - counting calories on dressings and oil etc. My husband is very suportive, but also tends to forget that the oil he cooks with amounts to the extra kg on my rear end! After a few gentle remainders he seems to get it. Just to be on the safe side - I save a few calories every day for the chance of him having added something I should not eat - just incase.
  • imogen__may
    imogen__may Posts: 78 Member
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    I understand why people are kinda jumpy when it comes to this subject, it's a tricky one but for some it'll open relationship issues that are stressful. I'm really pleased he seems to have understood a little more, let's hope his education grows and support is unconditional!

    My advice, buy frylight ;)
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Easy fix: Start cooking your own food and quit talking to him about it.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
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    OP, not to completely change the subject here, but if you are looking to try getting pregnant in a few months, a 1400 calorie a day low-fat diet is probably not optimal. There is nothing wrong with trying to shed some weight and get into better shape at all, but you really want to be getting the most nutrients built up in your body as you can right now. Iron and calcium rich foods, healthy fats (olive oil, coconut oil) will help prepare you for pregnancy. Trying to eat too much of a deficit won't help you build up these stores that you need for pregnancy.
  • drinknderive
    drinknderive Posts: 28 Member
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    Maybe it's time for you to take on more of the cooking responsibilities.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
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    You hand your man a list of what you will and won't eat. May as well give him portion sizes too. If he can't just do it without understanding, it's sad. When my wife say she doesn't like eggplant, I don't cook it. Rocket Science 101.

    Really? When my husband cooks (which is most of the time), he knows what each of us in the family like, don't like and despise. Sometimes, someone is stuck with something they despise, in which case, they are to be polite and take a small amount and eat it, and if they need more food, they go and get it themselves. It is my responsiblity to pick my portion size, not my spouse.
  • GGDaddy
    GGDaddy Posts: 289 Member
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    Okay, so boyfriend cooks. Well isn't that super-duper. But let's not kid ourselves--cook or no cook he is sabotaging her efforts. He just doesn't get it? Give me a break. Gleefully ordering ribs and showing up with cookies is some pretty passive-aggressive stuff.

    That said, I'm not saying dump the guy. It doesn't have to be either/or. But there are bigger issues at stake.

    OP--I might suggest a conversation that focuses more on your needs in the relationship, and less on the merits of counting calories. "This is important to me, so I hope it's important to you. And when you sabotage my efforts, I feel like you are not supporting me." His response should tell you a lot about the relationship generally...
  • crash_aly
    crash_aly Posts: 112
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    My situation is a little different...my boyfriend is very supportive but we simply have different bodies that have different needs. His body handles carbs and happily where as mine feels mostly destroyed afterwards. We both cook so it isn't like I can just take control in the kitchen of what he makes. But I can take control of what I put in my body. If it's his night to cook and he makes a meal that is really high in calories/fats/carbs then I simply make a salad and greatly reduce my portion size of whatever he made. When we first met he would load my plate up with as much food as his (he is 6'2 and works a very active job, I am 5'6 and have a desk job) I simply would not finish it. He is now realizing that I cannot eat as much as him and that me taking an evening to be at the gym or waking up early to go isn't me saying I don't want to spend time with him or whatever but that I need to take care of myself.

    If he doesn't want to support you in this, then simply don't partake in his destruction. He wants to order ribs and wings, great...go in the kitchen and make something else. I gained all the weight I am trying to lose while I was in a similar relationship...my ex wanted to eat out all the time, was naturally thin/high metabolism...and I know that it is still my own fault for gaining the weight. I still ate the food and didn't put in the work. I cannot blame him it is my body. I know this sounds easier than it is to do. It's great that he thinks you are good the way you are, but if you aren't happy with your body it won't matter how much he loves it.
  • Cyclingbonnie
    Cyclingbonnie Posts: 413 Member
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    For someone that is not worried about their own weight and loves you just the way you are, calorie counting can seem an alien thing, and sometimes obsessive.

    My partner is actually very supportive but it took him a while to understand that I needed to count EVERYTHING, not just solid foods. The idea of weighing or measuring things like sauces and oil didn't occur to him either. You have to think, we'd been together for 4 years by this point and had always just eaten what we liked, and never worried about calories. It was quite a big change.

    Your partner has admitted he's not supporting you and that he will try harder. I would give him a chance. Keep on doing what you are doing and try to educate him as you go. Sit down and have an adult conversation rather than a row and explain how much it means to you.

    My husband is supportive, but at the same time he just doesn't get it. He swings back in forth, when I eat something he things should be off limits, he will ask "can you have that?" I again explain to him that nothing is off limits as long as it fits into my calories. I ride on Mondays long rides for a few weeks and decide to have pizza on a couple of those nights. Suddenly Mondays are Pizza nights. So I explained to him that unless I have had a HUGE workout, it is hard to get enough food, to take care of hunger with Pizza and stay within my calories. So what does he do, but go and buy sugar free candy to make up for when I don't eat artificial sweeteners.

    He has never had, or will ever have a weight problem. He is 70 years old and has never weighed more than about 5 pounds from what he did when he finished boot camp at 18 years old. His mother is the same way and she lives with us. So they have candy, chips, cheetos, cake, popcorn, fried pies and the list goes on. At first it was hard for me to stand up to it. But I'm getting better at it.

    So OP my advice is to calmly explain, don't argue, don't fight. In the long run ... he'll become supportive as it does sound like he is caring. The important thing is to always remain calm with the discussion. It is important, but at the same time it should not become something that makes you a food Nazi. Since you are about to try and start a family show him literature about the benefits to you and the baby for you to be an appropriate body make up. Even have the doctor explain it to him. Good luck!
  • MysteriousMerlin
    MysteriousMerlin Posts: 2,270 Member
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    I think it's wonderful he finally came around. It's so difficult to make all these changes in the first place, and without support from the person you love, it's even more so. Just make sure you show him some appreciation for the support! *wink*
  • ebr250
    ebr250 Posts: 199 Member
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    I've had similar problems with my spouse, especially when it came to meat, butter and restaurant food which often upset my stomach. It just takes a lot of repetition of "eating that makes me feel sick" and cooking for yourself. If you come home and your boyfriend has cooked something that doesn't fit your plan, just make something else and tell him he can eat your portion the next day for lunch. It seems you've been pretty clear about how you want your food prepared so it's probably better to just not bring it up anymore to save yourself the argument and aggravation. Cooking something for yourself can be a pain, but it's worth it. He may even come around and start preparing your portion with more consideration.
  • WhyDelilah79
    WhyDelilah79 Posts: 54 Member
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    OP, not to completely change the subject here, but if you are looking to try getting pregnant in a few months, a 1400 calorie a day low-fat diet is probably not optimal. There is nothing wrong with trying to shed some weight and get into better shape at all, but you really want to be getting the most nutrients built up in your body as you can right now. Iron and calcium rich foods, healthy fats (olive oil, coconut oil) will help prepare you for pregnancy. Trying to eat too much of a deficit won't help you build up these stores that you need for pregnancy.

    Thanks very much for that. Most days I'm working out at the gym, so for 5 out of 7 I'm eating more calories than that, that is just my net calories. Also, I'm not aiming for low fat, if I have spare calories I'm all for fat. I'm also taking pre pregnancy multi vitamins and making myself eat more calcium.
    I'm going to see my dr on Monday so I will talk to her about it.

    To everyone else, thanks very much for your advice, even the ones who don't actually give motivation and support, which I guessed from the title was the point of this area. And some getting on high horses, this is obviously more important in your life than mine. I would rather keep my partner and be huge (which I'm not) than split up from him simply not understanding something. That seems an odd concept to you, sure, but it's the way it is. Keep repeating that I should get rid of him only makes you sound bitter.

    Anyway, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has been through this. That is truly supportive. :-)
  • spotty82
    spotty82 Posts: 4
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    OP I dont know if this has been mentioned already because I cbf reading 3 pages to find out, but if his reason for using cooking oil is for non-stick reasons, it may be worth investing in stoneware cooking pots.

    I have a set, and they are not cheap (around $220 for 2 frying pans and a casserole dish) but you will NEVER have to use oil or spray or butter again. PLUS they are so easy to clean it's ridiculous. I literally run mine under the tap after cooking and that's it even if I melt cheese etc in them. I know I sounds like an advertisement for them, but they really are that good!
  • mumblemagic
    mumblemagic Posts: 1,090 Member
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    Okay, so boyfriend cooks. Well isn't that super-duper. But let's not kid ourselves--cook or no cook he is sabotaging her efforts. He just doesn't get it? Give me a break. Gleefully ordering ribs and showing up with cookies is some pretty passive-aggressive stuff.

    That said, I'm not saying dump the guy. It doesn't have to be either/or. But there are bigger issues at stake.

    OP--I might suggest a conversation that focuses more on your needs in the relationship, and less on the merits of counting calories. "This is important to me, so I hope it's important to you. And when you sabotage my efforts, I feel like you are not supporting me." His response should tell you a lot about the relationship generally...

    My inital thoughts were "be patient and communicate with him because he probably doesn't understand healthy eating" (see my earlier post). I suspect this is right, based on your later posts. However, it could be a passive-agressive controlling move, in which case this poster's advice is very good. Probably a good idea to work out which.

    Once I read this post, I remembered that I had a similar (if a bit more low-key) discussion with the boyf months ago when I first started dieting, in which I said I find it really hard to avoid sweet foods and diet, but I really need to for my health and happiness, so I needed him to support me. His response was "tell me what I need to do and I will do it", which is great. Having a similar discussion with yours would probably be helpful, although given that his lack of support / inexperience with healthy food is already giving you some anxt, I would be a bit more serious about it as this poster suggests and lay it on the line. If he's happy to support you then you need to plan your meals together, even if he is cooking, so he knows what to expect, because he can't fit dinner into your daily calories if he doesn't know what his budget is! :smile:

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