Child support- what do you think?

I wish I wouldn't have read this, because it has me so fired up. My husband and I just forked over a couple grand in legal fees because his ex-one-night-stand decided she wanted more money from him. All she had to do was walk her happy *kitten* into SRS and fill out a form, while staff attorneys took care of everything for her, and we are drowning in legal bills. It's so unfair. The system is so biased. It sickens me. My husband and I both work our *kitten* off. She has been unemployed for 9 years, lives in subsidized housing, receives food stamps - and she needs MORE money? In my state, it is based purely on income also. They don't even take into account any other children the father has - so the fact that we have an infant and have to buy diapers makes no difference. I feel my daughter is being punished for having been born into a happy and committed marriage. Child support is so much bull... any woman can spread her legs and get pregnant and push a baby out 9 mos. later. That does NOT make her entitled to anything that the father owns or buys or achieves. The man in OP's story is going to get raped for back support if he makes 90k.

Did you know your husband had a child out there? Or did he keep that from you? On the one hand I feel for you because you have your own child to support but honestly you have a really callous attitude towards his other child. And is your husband so morally high and mighty? He had unprotected sex so he took the risk. In most places (if not all), if a woman is on welfare the government deducts whatever child support she gets (and the government MAKES her apply for child support as a condition of receiving benefit) so it's not as if she's rolling in dough. I hope your daughter never gets accidentally pregnant by some jerk. Perhaps you should've picked your child's father more carefully if you didn't want to share his resources. That child deserves to be supported by your husband just as much as your child does.

Okay, I didnt read all the comments, but here is my two cents:

I have seen many different versions of this story. My sister has 4 children with 4 different dads (Yes, she's crazy.) Also, my daughter is my exhusband's. I have another sister who had a teen pregnancy and is now married to someone else.
I say: it depends. I know that many will argue and say that you should file for child support no matter what, but it really depends on the circumstances. First, keep in mind, filing for child support and establishing that man as the father gives him rights. Does she really want to have to see him? Does she want him having visitations? Or is it worth it to her, financially, to do it without him so she can be without him? My ex husband is a terrible person and was not given nearly enough prison time for what he did and I hate that he is out already. I want him having nothing to do with my daughter. My husband now has full custody of her and 'forgave' all financial obligations from the ex husband in terms with the adoption. No child support. No visitations. Thank goodness!
Also, she might want to concider giving him a choice in the matter before just filing. Maybe he would help her and they could agree on a visitation plan and financial obligation that would work for them without going through the state. This would provide him a way to keep it secret too.
But, then again, maybe he needs exposed and maybe that is what she wants to do.
....
So many variables ... as I said, it depends.
In the end, the choice is hers. You are her friend. Just be ready to support her decision, no mater what it is.

If I was in this situation then I would not want the money and would rather struggle. Might sound silly but I'd feel that if I made the so called father take responsibility then I couldn't complain if he just decided to walk back into my childs life someday. I would rather have nothing to do with him and live my life poor but happy than deal with the disruption he could cause.

Okay, so I started reading through it...
I agree with this. I would never ask anything of my exhusband because I don't want him having any leverage over me. I raised my child, as a single mother, until she was 4 and I met my current husband. I am perfectly capable of raising a child on my own and would never ask for his help, especially if it meant there were any chance at all it would give him the right to take her, even for a minute!

Too many variables and missing information - did she accidentally get pregnant while on the pill or using condoms? Did he make it clear he did not want children from the start? Were there options for her to choose to not keep the child, knowing he would not be present, and she would be a single parent?


I was a single mom whose partner took off when I became pregnant. He did not want to have the child - I did. I never pursued him for child support because it was not his choice to have the child. I could have had an abortion or given my child up for adoption if I decided I did not want to be a single mom doing it all myself.

Just because "it takes two" to make a baby doesn't mean everyone just has to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants. She has total control of her body and her choices (as she should!), and that means that she has the responsibility to make the right choice for herself and the fetus growing inside her.

I can see the logic behind this one too. While this is not how the state, or the rest of the world sees it, this makes sense. She made the "choice" to have the child, he made it clear he wanted put. I am ANTIABORTION but adoption is always an option.

Our society does has double standards when it comes to men and women. I think if you create the child, man or woman, they you should take responsibility for the child. No matter how the sex happened or with whom. Both individuals should support it or both should sign away their rights and give the child up for adoption. Personal responsibility should be had by both.

I don't understand how there is money left over after getting child support. Use it all on the child or give it back or save it for next month. If it is child support, then it is child support. If you want to buy cute shoes go get a job.

It's a tricky issue. I can only give an opinion from my perspective.

My mother was one of those women who was "too proud" to ask for things. My father, who is decent at heart but kind of absent-minded - read, forgets that kids need stuff - paid child support till I was 18. They worked out what they considered to be a fair amount, based on the cost of raising me. He paid £300 a month when he was earning £80K a year. It was enough to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach. If I asked him for stuff, he'd buy it for me.

But because my mother had that pride thing going, it took me a LONG time to learn to ask. Mom always taught me that if you can't get something for yourself, it's better to go without than to ask for help. Whether this is good advice for an adult is debatable. It is NOT good advice for a child or pre-teen who is (and should be) reliant on their parents for support.

Until 8th grade, I didn't go on school field trips because my dad didn't know about them and my mom forbade me to ask for the funds. I wore school uniform from the lost and found - often torn and stained - for the same reason. Sometimes this is what has to happen with kids, and if you don't have the money there's no shame in it - you do the best you can. You do whatever's necessary. But in my case, it WASN'T necessary, or shouldn't have been if my mom had just swallowed her pride.

In 8th I learned to go straight to my dad anytime I needed money for art supplies or field trips or sneakers. I felt guilty the whole time. It's left a legacy where I feel utter shame for taking anything from anyone - if a friend treats me to dinner or a boyfriend buys me earrings I get a sinking feeling in my stomach before I make the effort to pick up my feelings and be thankful. My half-sisters, who were raised by my father and a mother with a take-take-take mentality, have no such issues when it comes to asking for money (or holidays, or MacBooks, or cars...) And yes, when I was a kid, it hurt to be the poor sister wearing handmedowns while the other two were in designer dresses. It still hurts at times, although I suppose I'd rather be in my position than theirs.

I don't agree with fathers subsidising their babymamas' lifestyles. I also don't agree with mothers (or fathers, if that's the case) teaching their kids that it's better to do without than ask. If you have a kid, you don't get to put your own damaged pride ahead of your kid's needs. In my case, our situation could have been so much better if mama had been able to swallow her pride and ask for help, because my dad is decent and caring. Your friend's case may be harder. She might (probably will) have to fight in court to get child support. But if she truly can't give her kids what they need without it, she needs to try.

This is better:

http://money.cnn.com/2013/08/14/pf/cost-children/

$241,080 to raise a kid. That comes out to $1,116 a month. That's actually not bad. Oh, except I have 3. Opps.

That is bogus, at least for where I live. I do not pay anywhere NEAR 2000 a month to raise my two kids. Hell, my basic expenses aren't a whole lot more than that, and I would be paying most of that without kids.


I guess if you include day care that would impact it, but I have family to babysit. However, the bloated child support orders ADD daycare costs to the order, rather than including daycare costs.

I pay the majority of that just for daycare for the youngest...$900.00 per month

I do not have 2 legged children. however, since your friend knows this married man with children has enough $ to help her, YES she needs to get everything she can from him. there is NO reason she should be struggling that much due to pride. she needs help and the father needs to step up.

Gotta chime in....

Where I live, child support is based on BOTH salaries and all expenses for the children. Currently I receive $520 LESS a month from my ex husband than the state says that I should receive simply because I don't feel like hearing his mouth about it and I am always trying to keep the peace with him. He is a money hungry worthless POS who wants all of his money so he can go party, but that's besides the point. I make $35,000/year MORE than he makes. However....during our 10 year marriage we created a lifestyle for our children that should NOT be interrupted because he chose to be unfaithful and destroy our marriage. We built a house, completely furnished it, live in a great school district, and provided them with everything that they could possibly need in life, including prepaid college trust funds. With that being said...child support is used for much more than daycare expenses. My ex husband has absolutely NO idea how much it costs to raise children. His every other weekend that he has with them (in reality he picks them up on a Friday and drops them off at their friends house and picks them up on Sunday to return them to me) is NOTHING compared to everyday care for my boys. There are field trips, school lunches, hair cuts, after school activities, school clothes and supplies, school pictures, sports registration fees, uniforms...the list goes on and on...I also provide a roof over their head that costs money. Just daycare alone was $950 a month for before and after school care. I get so angry when people say, "daycare only costs xxxx, I should only have to pay half of that and that's it". I guess they aren't suppose to eat or wear clothes or have any activities in their lives.

On the flip side...yes, there are women (AND men) out there who view child support as free money for THEM. I think that your friend should most certainly receive child support for the child that they created together. Perhaps she should determine what she feels is fair and approach him with that before going through the court system.

^^This!

She got pregnant. She decided to keep the child. Deal with it.

Wow...really? So, she just had a dream about getting pregnant and woke up pregnant so now she should "deal with it"? I guess the guy who was cheating on his wife and family by having an affair with her and getting her pregnant has nothing to do with it? Hmmmm....and people wonder why guys are called douche bags...just sayin...

I think parents should have to pay for their kids. If the mother has custody of the kid and provides all food, daycare costs, clothing etc, then the dad should pay, whether they want a relationship with the kid or not.

I'm lucky in that I have a very good relationship with my ex and he pays without fail every month for our son. He has a good job and the money he gives me is a massive help at times.

I personally think if women have the right to choose if they are ready to be a parent or not, then the father should have the same rights as well. The father should be able to give up full custody, and not have to pay, since he doesn't get a say in keeping the child in the first place. He clearly didn't want it, and didn't have a choice in getting rid of it, so why should he suffer and pay?

Men can and do give up their parental rights. I know of two men personally who have gone to court to give up the rights to their child and don't have to pay child support of any kind.

I was hoping that when my ex left the country he would do this, but I found out that where I am, unless there is somone willing to adopt my son, he can't sign over his rights. The way it's seen here is that 2 parents, even with one missing, is still better than 1.

Well my father opted to not pay child support , at the age of 18 I received a check for 75 dollars and than it stopped, lucky me , anyways he and my mother divorced when I was born or just a little bit before, I have an older brother who is 5 years older than me he left my mother and my brother and I to fend for ourselves. he remarried to a woman with one child and she couldn't have nay more , he never had anymore kids I did not find out till I was older that he in fact treated all his children the same when he was 17 he had 2 children those are my half siblings they are 42 and 43 I believe I'm the youngest at a few months shy of 30, anyways the money would have helped yes but it also would have helped more if he had just been my father , oh well what's done is done if she is able to get him to pay than great at least it will help with the basic necessities of life food, water shelter clothes those add up fast , if he doesn't than well she will have to do it on her own which she seems to be doing well at, as long as the child is loved than who cares who the dad is ? money isn't everything :)my mother did it by herself and my brother and I are fine no one would know that I didn't have a (real father )unless they asked. I say you cant miss what you never had .

I've seen WAY too many friends get fuked by the system and way to many girls reap the benefits to support it at all. I think everyone should grow the fuk up and handle their *kitten* on their own instead of hiring a corrupt gang of thugs (govt) to do it for you.....