Child support- what do you think?
BrandNewFabulousMe
Posts: 259
in Chit-Chat
My best friend has a child who is 3. From my understanding after she found out she was pregnant her child's father ran off b/c she would not get an abortion. She found out after her child was born that he was married with kids! His family lived in a different state! They had dated almost a year and he always "traveled" for his job. I have been there for her supporting her b/c our kids are close to the same age.
Back to the story. This man has never come to see his child, but does text on holidays but doesn't support the child at all. My friend is a college student with a part time job and she's struggling! her pride is too high to get on state assistance although she could use some of it (kudos to her for trying to do it on her own!) She is an excellent mother and a great example for her child!
She just found out that her child's father has a new job working for the government and is making over 90k/year. (I barely make 35!!!! WoW!!!!!!!) she feels guilty about filing for child support b/c she does not want to look bad. I keep explaining to her that the money would be for her child to have a good life and to take some of the stress off of her. She is considering it but she feels that there would be some kind of society backlash or judgement if she files.
I personally know as a single mother that rent, food, daycare, toilet paper, clothing, etc. cost money and she needs the help! I'd like to know what are other people's view points on child support. Is it something that should be done when a parent is not helping at all or should it be used regardless if the parent is doing a great job or not? I'm just trying to see the other side of things. FYI, I would have filed a lonnnng time ago!!!!
Back to the story. This man has never come to see his child, but does text on holidays but doesn't support the child at all. My friend is a college student with a part time job and she's struggling! her pride is too high to get on state assistance although she could use some of it (kudos to her for trying to do it on her own!) She is an excellent mother and a great example for her child!
She just found out that her child's father has a new job working for the government and is making over 90k/year. (I barely make 35!!!! WoW!!!!!!!) she feels guilty about filing for child support b/c she does not want to look bad. I keep explaining to her that the money would be for her child to have a good life and to take some of the stress off of her. She is considering it but she feels that there would be some kind of society backlash or judgement if she files.
I personally know as a single mother that rent, food, daycare, toilet paper, clothing, etc. cost money and she needs the help! I'd like to know what are other people's view points on child support. Is it something that should be done when a parent is not helping at all or should it be used regardless if the parent is doing a great job or not? I'm just trying to see the other side of things. FYI, I would have filed a lonnnng time ago!!!!
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Replies
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Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.0 -
Consequences, he needs to learn to deal with them. If he bailed the least he can do is help out financially. I wonder if his other family even knows about the half sibling.
I can be on wrong since I don't know the full story, but I personally would want to make sure my offspring is cared for.0 -
Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
you know what I agree with that. It should be based on the cost of raising a child rather than income, but in some cases like this she's making probably less than 18k a year and he's making 90k a year. His other kids probably have a college fund I feel that her child should get the same treatment as the others. I commend you for taking care of your kids. You don't hear of too many single dads in the area I live in. People like you could def make a difference in some of the dead beat dads out there
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I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE DEAD BEAT DADS!
GET WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!
it takes 2 to make that baby.
PAY UP!
*kitten*!0 -
Consequences, he needs to learn to deal with them. If he bailed the least he can do is help out financially. I wonder if his other family even knows about the half sibling.
I can be on wrong since I don't know the full story, but I personally would want to make sure my offspring is cared for.
they dont know that he even exists. Thats the sad part =(0 -
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE DEAD BEAT DADS!
GET WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!
it takes 2 to make that baby.
PAY UP!
*kitten*!
"LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE" That is how I feel0 -
They made a baby together, they both support the baby.
End of story.
Im not sure why she is worried about this or feels like its her fault and should have to go at it alone. If he chooses not to take part in the childs life, thats his choice. But there is no choice when it comes to supporting your child.
At this point he owes her a good amount of money for 3yrs of unpaid child support.
She should seek out the right offices and get it STAT.0 -
Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
Totally agree with this. Half and half is only fair. If it takes two to make it....0 -
you know what I agree with that. It should be based on the cost of raising a child rather than income, but in some cases like this she's making probably less than 18k a year and he's making 90k a year. His other kids probably have a college fund I feel that her child should get the same treatment as the others. I commend you for taking care of your kids. You don't hear of too many single dads in the area I live in. People like you could def make a difference in some of the dead beat dads out there
The fact that she makes very little and he makes a lot doesn't change it. No, the kid shouldn't "have the same treatment as the others" unless he chooses to make it so. The only things he should ever be on the hook for is 1/2 the cost of raising the kid. She should have been more careful about having a kid if she wasn't ready for the responsibility. If he chooses to do more than the minimum, that's on him.0 -
There is a baseline... and it's based on how much money you make. Sure, hypothetically it may only cost 300.00 a month to raise a child but if the one parent makes 150K a year and gets to live a cushy lifestyle why should your child have to scrape by with the bare minimum, while the other parent does all the work ensuring their needs/well being is met.
Sensitive subject for me, I believe whole heartedly that the father should pay what is EXPECTED of him to pay...The guilt will go away, it takes time, she just has to realize it's for their child to have the best possible life under the given circumstances.. Good luck to your friend.0 -
this^^They made a baby together, they both support the baby.
End of story.
Im not sure why she is worried about this or feels like its her fault and should have to go at it alone. If he chooses not to take part in the childs life, thats his choice. But there is no choice when it comes to supporting your child.
At this point he owes her a good amount of money for 3yrs of unpaid child support.
She should seek out the right offices and get it STAT.
x1000 -
If I was in this situation then I would not want the money and would rather struggle. Might sound silly but I'd feel that if I made the so called father take responsibility then I couldn't complain if he just decided to walk back into my childs life someday. I would rather have nothing to do with him and live my life poor but happy than deal with the disruption he could cause.0
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I think that parents should have to financially support their children. However, the system is heavily skewed towards women and decisions are often made on emotion. And the payments are often ridiculously high.0
-
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE DEAD BEAT DADS!
GET WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!
it takes 2 to make that baby.
PAY UP!
*kitten*!
No, you don't get what you rightfully deserve. Have a baby with someone that makes decent money, and you get a crap ton more than you rightfully deserve. It is a flawed system.0 -
You know how society always talks about "gold diggers" and how the women who file child support only want it to buy a Gucci purse etc. I think all of that talk kind of makes her feel that she should not file for it. I can see where she is coming from but still, your child comes first. I know once she finishes school and gets a decent job she will be able to have more income, but for now she's really struggling to make ends meet. Last time I talked to her she was planning on moving back home with her parents to save money on rent. Nothing is wrong with it, but with extra income she would not have to. It just makes me sad.0
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There is a baseline... and it's based on how much money you make. Sure, hypothetically it may only cost 300.00 a month to raise a child but if the one parent makes 150K a year and gets to live a cushy lifestyle why should your child have to scrape by with the bare minimum, while the other parent does all the work ensuring their needs/well being is met.
Sensitive subject for me, I believe whole heartedly that the father should pay what is EXPECTED of him to pay...The guilt will go away, it takes time, she just has to realize it's for their child to have the best possible life under the given circumstances.. Good luck to your friend.
If the childs needs are met, that is all that really matters. Why should a man making 150k a year support a lifestyle upgrade for mom just because he has a child with her. If he wants to do more FOR THE CHILD, that is on him. But writing a bigger check means supporting moms lifestyle. And that is not dads responsibility.
And it is a sensitive subject for a lot of women. They don't want to give up that free money.0 -
Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
Well stated.0 -
I think that parents should have to financially support their children. However, the system is heavily skewed towards women and decisions are often made on emotion. And the payments are often ridiculously high.
I dont think it takes 10,000 a month to raise a child but heck, the cost of living, food, rent, etc when there are no other sources of income than a part-time job isn't enough. I'd say that a fair amount should be paid.0 -
you know what I agree with that. It should be based on the cost of raising a child rather than income, but in some cases like this she's making probably less than 18k a year and he's making 90k a year. His other kids probably have a college fund I feel that her child should get the same treatment as the others. I commend you for taking care of your kids. You don't hear of too many single dads in the area I live in. People like you could def make a difference in some of the dead beat dads out there
The fact that she makes very little and he makes a lot doesn't change it. No, the kid shouldn't "have the same treatment as the others" unless he chooses to make it so. The only things he should ever be on the hook for is 1/2 the cost of raising the kid. She should have been more careful about having a kid if she wasn't ready for the responsibility. If he chooses to do more than the minimum, that's on him.
HE should also have been more careful about having kids if HE wasn't ready for the responsibility.
Yes, your friend should file for child support. Half of daycare, a portion of rent, half of food, medical care, ext.0 -
The system isn't flawed anymore than your logic on this topic. I can only imagine what the arrears would be on 3 years of unpaid child support.
The money isn't for the "EX _____" it's for the child; and if there is a surplus after all the necessities are met it should go towards that child's future education. Now, I'm aware a lot of people don't do this but that's the purpose behind it.0 -
Too many variables and missing information - did she accidentally get pregnant while on the pill or using condoms? Did he make it clear he did not want children from the start? Were there options for her to choose to not keep the child, knowing he would not be present, and she would be a single parent?
I was a single mom whose partner took off when I became pregnant. He did not want to have the child - I did. I never pursued him for child support because it was not his choice to have the child. I could have had an abortion or given my child up for adoption if I decided I did not want to be a single mom doing it all myself.
Just because "it takes two" to make a baby doesn't mean everyone just has to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants. She has total control of her body and her choices (as she should!), and that means that she has the responsibility to make the right choice for herself and the fetus growing inside her.0 -
There is a baseline... and it's based on how much money you make. Sure, hypothetically it may only cost 300.00 a month to raise a child but if the one parent makes 150K a year and gets to live a cushy lifestyle why should your child have to scrape by with the bare minimum, while the other parent does all the work ensuring their needs/well being is met.
Sensitive subject for me, I believe whole heartedly that the father should pay what is EXPECTED of him to pay...The guilt will go away, it takes time, she just has to realize it's for their child to have the best possible life under the given circumstances.. Good luck to your friend.
If the childs needs are met, that is all that really matters. Why should a man making 150k a year support a lifestyle upgrade for mom just because he has a child with her. If he wants to do more FOR THE CHILD, that is on him. But writing a bigger check means supporting moms lifestyle. And that is not dads responsibility.
And it is a sensitive subject for a lot of women. They don't want to give up that free money.
Yup. Basic needs should be 50/50. Any extras should be discussed and agreed upon by both parties and not lawfully obligated.0 -
Personally, while I can appreciate the concept of "doing it on your own," the fact of the matter is she is NOT doing it on her own. She has a child with her that has to bear every burden, every deprivation, and every struggle. Being "too proud" for assistance or being afraid of "societal backlash" just means that there is that much less that her child can have. And I'm sorry but pride and independence doesn't make you a good mother if it means that your kids will have to do without when he/she doesn't have to. Your friend's attitude towards this is really kind of selfish. Her pride is more important to her than the quality of life she is providing for her child.
That's just my personal opinion. I'm raising two on my own myself. When I qualified for assistance, I got assistance. As for child support, I used every tool at my disposal to get a support order and to enforce the support order. Because he would never have done a thing if I hadn't.
Getting and enforcing a child support order will take time, but it is worth it in the long run. Because the kid is worth it!0 -
you know what I agree with that. It should be based on the cost of raising a child rather than income, but in some cases like this she's making probably less than 18k a year and he's making 90k a year. His other kids probably have a college fund I feel that her child should get the same treatment as the others. I commend you for taking care of your kids. You don't hear of too many single dads in the area I live in. People like you could def make a difference in some of the dead beat dads out there
The fact that she makes very little and he makes a lot doesn't change it. No, the kid shouldn't "have the same treatment as the others" unless he chooses to make it so. The only things he should ever be on the hook for is 1/2 the cost of raising the kid. She should have been more careful about having a kid if she wasn't ready for the responsibility. If he chooses to do more than the minimum, that's on him.
/\ /\ This again...I COMPLETELY agree that just because she makes crap money doesn't mean he should pay more. That goes along with the whole "I can't raise my family on minimum wage so raise it to $15". You want more you have to work for it. If you need more you need to work hard. And if you won't make more than I guess you've found your place in life...0 -
Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
I agree with this!0 -
I raised five children alone and never claimed a penny, the system is biased towards mothers to the extent that when I separated and had custody of our children the CSA visited making threatening noises regarding maintenance. They left with their tails between their legs when I trooped out the children, fairs fair and each parent should contribute it takes two to tango, but the law needs to treat both parties fairly not instantly assuming that one is wrong!0
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you know what I agree with that. It should be based on the cost of raising a child rather than income, but in some cases like this she's making probably less than 18k a year and he's making 90k a year. His other kids probably have a college fund I feel that her child should get the same treatment as the others. I commend you for taking care of your kids. You don't hear of too many single dads in the area I live in. People like you could def make a difference in some of the dead beat dads out there
The fact that she makes very little and he makes a lot doesn't change it. No, the kid shouldn't "have the same treatment as the others" unless he chooses to make it so. The only things he should ever be on the hook for is 1/2 the cost of raising the kid. She should have been more careful about having a kid if she wasn't ready for the responsibility. If he chooses to do more than the minimum, that's on him.
HE should also have been more careful about having kids if HE wasn't ready for the responsibility.
Yes, your friend should file for child support. Half of daycare, a portion of rent, half of food, medical care, ext.
Yes, he should have been. And since he wasn't, he should pay 1/2 the actual cost of raising the child.0 -
There is a baseline... and it's based on how much money you make. Sure, hypothetically it may only cost 300.00 a month to raise a child but if the one parent makes 150K a year and gets to live a cushy lifestyle why should your child have to scrape by with the bare minimum, while the other parent does all the work ensuring their needs/well being is met.
Sensitive subject for me, I believe whole heartedly that the father should pay what is EXPECTED of him to pay...The guilt will go away, it takes time, she just has to realize it's for their child to have the best possible life under the given circumstances.. Good luck to your friend.
If the childs needs are met, that is all that really matters. Why should a man making 150k a year support a lifestyle upgrade for mom just because he has a child with her. If he wants to do more FOR THE CHILD, that is on him. But writing a bigger check means supporting moms lifestyle. And that is not dads responsibility.
And it is a sensitive subject for a lot of women. They don't want to give up that free money.
Yup. Basic needs should be 50/50. Any extras should be discussed and agreed upon by both parties and not lawfully obligated.
Some people don't discuss... they yell, scream, and thow around obscenities.0 -
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE DEAD BEAT DADS!
GET WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!
it takes 2 to make that baby.
PAY UP!
*kitten*!
This is the problem..YOU don't rightfully deserve anything...the CHILD rightfully does. And the system should be setup so each parent is equally responsible financially for that child.0 -
He's not writing a cheque for the mother. He's writing a cheque or in most unpaid child support cases having his wages garnished so that HIS child's needs/well being/wants are met. The reality of the situation is it works both ways, there are dead beat mothers out there too. AND!!! If you have joint custody with equal shared access, it's not full support its't he difference between both parties' income and proportionate to income daycare/medical/misc expenses.... Don't make it seem like the dad's are so hard done by... they're not.0
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