Child support- what do you think?

rml_16

I think that parents should have to financially support their children. However, the system is heavily skewed towards women and decisions are often made on emotion. And the payments are often ridiculously high.

My daughter's father was not forced to pay for EIGHT YEARS even though I filed. The he got let out of a couple thousand in arrears because it wasn't "an enforcable amount" for the state to collect and he ain't offering.

I couldn't afford to go visit my dying grandmother because I'm putting OUR child through college. He's on vacation in Italy rightnow.

Tell me again how women make out so well on the system.

I am not familiar with what an enforcable amount is, so I wont comment yet.

You CHOOSE to put them through college, some parents who are married choose not to or cannot afford it.

Well, either way, that Italy trip probably cost at least as much as the child support he ended up not having to pay. And it would have paid for two years of college where my daughter is going right now.

And what he DID pay over the years barely covered the cost of health insurance, let alone food and clothing.

BrandNewFabulousMe

Too many variables and missing information - did she accidentally get pregnant while on the pill or using condoms? Did he make it clear he did not want children from the start? Were there options for her to choose to not keep the child, knowing he would not be present, and she would be a single parent?


I was a single mom whose partner took off when I became pregnant. He did not want to have the child - I did. I never pursued him for child support because it was not his choice to have the child. I could have had an abortion or given my child up for adoption if I decided I did not want to be a single mom doing it all myself.

Just because "it takes two" to make a baby doesn't mean everyone just has to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants. She has total control of her body and her choices (as she should!), and that means that she has the responsibility to make the right choice for herself and the fetus growing inside her.

I am glad you said this. As a man I would have been shot for saying it.

1. he should have been using protection if he did not want children
2. so a single mom with lower income should get an abortion rather than work hard to provide a living for their child
3. it takes 2 to tango and guess what? she's the only one dancing right now because he is no where in sight
4. would you be happier with her living off of the state or making him pay?
5. if he does not want to be a father, he should sign over his rights. until then, he should be held accountable and help provide

1. As should she have. Furthermore, she had control of the options once pregnant.
2. Who said that? Non sequitor
3. That has been her choice thus far.
4. He should pay.
5. Agreed.

Once again, she is not even wanting to file for child support, I am the one letting her know that it's in the best interest of her child if she did. Regardless of birth control or anything else, he could have used a condom or not had sex with her at all knowing what the consequence would be. No one is asking for him to pay a billion bucks a year, but half the cost of food, rent, etc is fair. Daycare alone in Iowa where I live, at least what I am paying for my son is almost 550 bucks per month. Here she is finding sitters and working overnights so she can work to save money and not pay it b/c she can't afford it. No it should not be based off of income but a child deserves a good life. Anything more than what they are getting right now would help. Maybe I should tell her to file for food stamps instead of child support and some of these ridiculous comments would go away smh

jillybean_75

My ex-husband actually told me that he couldn't buy new shoes or food for his family because he had to pay a whopping $325 a month for TWO kids, not $325 each but total!!!! I told him he could keep his money. I am lucky that I am married to a man who will provide for kids that are not biologically his. I haven't gotten child support in four years. I could have taken him to court and had his pay garnished, license taken away and his tax returns taken but why???? I have the best part of the deal....my kids

THIS!!! I have a 7 year old and when his father and I split when he was 1, I've never asked for a dime. There are basic needs, but then there are also things like sports the child wants to play in, or pictures at school, or Christmas presents, Easter baskets. Buying spiritwear at school so he can fit in with the rest of the kids. This, and so much more. I'm thankful I have a good enough job to provide for my son and that I've never needed his money. But, money is just money. The best part of the deal is having the kid(s)

doughnutwretch

Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.

The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.

I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.

There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.

QFT.

BrandNewFabulousMe

She has expenses related to having a child, whether or not he wanted a child with her is meaningless . . . if he didn't want a child with her he shouldn't have slept with her. Some decisions have short term outcomes and some have long term outcomes. Her responsiblity isn't to him, her responsibility is to her child, she needs to do the responsible thing for her child and that is to file for child support and file for services.

^^^ this is all that needs to be said

BrandNewFabulousMe

My ex-husband actually told me that he couldn't buy new shoes or food for his family because he had to pay a whopping $325 a month for TWO kids, not $325 each but total!!!! I told him he could keep his money. I am lucky that I am married to a man who will provide for kids that are not biologically his. I haven't gotten child support in four years. I could have taken him to court and had his pay garnished, license taken away and his tax returns taken but why???? I have the best part of the deal....my kids

THIS!!! I have a 7 year old and when his father and I split when he was 1, I've never asked for a dime. There are basic needs, but then there are also things like sports the child wants to play in, or pictures at school, or Christmas presents, Easter bask


Love this^^ets. Buying spiritwear at school so he can fit in with the rest of the kids. This, and so much more. I'm thankful I have a good enough job to provide for my son and that I've never needed his money. But, money is just money. The best part of the deal is having the kid(s)

norahwynn

I've never heard of anyone thinking of getting child support as being a negative. I've known both men and women receiving child support from the non-custodial parent. Isn't that normal?

It doesn't matter if there was a marriage involved or not. An affair, a one night stand or whatever. If the man and woman had sex and it produced a child, and the other person is not in the picture, then they should pay child support. Who cares if the other person didn't want the child. The shouldn't have had sex in the first place and the pregnancy would have never happened.

She shouldn't feel bad for filing for child support. Just like a man shouldn't feel bad. It's not 'my baby's mama/daddy' support. It's for the child. Period, end of story.

rml_16

No one is asking for him to pay a billion bucks a year, but half the cost of food, rent, etc is fair

Legally, a custodial parent MUST have a house/apartment with a certain number of bedrooms per people living there. So, the mother is required by law to pay the cost of that larger home, while the non-custodial parent does not have to abide by this requirement, since the child(ren) do not live there permanently.

Therefore, it is more expensive to be the custodial parent and this is why child support is supposed to partially cover the cost of the home and not just food, clothing, etc.

Collier78

There is a baseline... and it's based on how much money you make. Sure, hypothetically it may only cost 300.00 a month to raise a child but if the one parent makes 150K a year and gets to live a cushy lifestyle why should your child have to scrape by with the bare minimum, while the other parent does all the work ensuring their needs/well being is met.

Sensitive subject for me, I believe whole heartedly that the father should pay what is EXPECTED of him to pay...The guilt will go away, it takes time, she just has to realize it's for their child to have the best possible life under the given circumstances.. Good luck to your friend.

If the childs needs are met, that is all that really matters. Why should a man making 150k a year support a lifestyle upgrade for mom just because he has a child with her. If he wants to do more FOR THE CHILD, that is on him. But writing a bigger check means supporting moms lifestyle. And that is not dads responsibility.

And it is a sensitive subject for a lot of women. They don't want to give up that free money.

There are stereotypes for a reason, alot of women do this and this is what makes the system flawed. My ex and I make about the same amount. but there is definitely not a 50/50 split of child rearing duties. I pack the lunches, I taxi to practices and games and rehearsals, I sit up with her when she's sick (she's not allowed at his house if she doesn't feel well). On top of that every cent he has ever given me is in a joint savings account with my name and her name on it. I pay any expenses FOR HER and HER only out of that account and the rest is waiting for the day she starts driving or needs help to pay for college. I keep receipts for everything I spend out of that account. In IL he can choose to have me audited for what I spend it on. It is a great idea to have the cost split 50/50 but I don't think it's realistic, because raising a child isn't just about cost. It's about time, development, nurture. If I can't work overtime to increase my income because he won't split the taxi duties how is that fair to me? Just an example. And yes, I chose to have her, but so did he. All I'm saying is to not lump all of us child support receiving women into the same category, there are a few of us that respect the income and don't think of it as "free"money.

teamAmelia

My ex-husband actually told me that he couldn't buy new shoes or food for his family because he had to pay a whopping $325 a month for TWO kids, not $325 each but total!!!! I told him he could keep his money. I am lucky that I am married to a man who will provide for kids that are not biologically his. I haven't gotten child support in four years. I could have taken him to court and had his pay garnished, license taken away and his tax returns taken but why???? I have the best part of the deal....my kids

So, you didn't file for child support because another man is taking care of his kids? Or was it a combination of you feeling sorry for him and deciding not to go after him since your kids are being supported by your new husband? The answer to your question about why you should have filed is because it's his responsibility. I've done payroll and unless the laws are a bit different in your state, they can only take out so much. Don't feel so sorry for him.

And, don't forget about other things that they can be forced to pay w child support, like medical care. Why would anyone want to take on these responsibilities by themselves??? I'd tell this friend that I would stop helping her if she didn't file for child support. It's nice of you to help when she needs it every now and then, but she has the opportunity to get child support fro the guy who got her pregnant. She just refuses to. Let her deal with that on her own.

love9705

Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.

The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.

I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.

There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.

I agree with you and I am not sure what state you are in but where I live you have to bring in both incomes and the custodial parent has to fill out and income and expensive form and it is divided by how many people are in the household and whatever the child portion is that is how much get paid in child support and you have to split 50/50 medical expenses.Sad part about all of this is court can always be avoided if the parties can come to an agreement on support but many times the parent reneges on the agreement and that is when court comes into play (well in my case that what happened).

jillybean_75

I would agree with this IF every single dad were like you and took care of their children. My ex pays child support for our daughter and actually told her, in front of her brother and sister from his second marriage while they were out shopping, that he would not be purchasing anything for her because that's why he writes me a check every month. He sees her every other weekend, does not get her during the summer (even though its in our order), does not get her during the week, and has NEVER attended a parent teacher conference, school registration day, sporting event (she's in volleyball, basketball, and softball), and has never contributed anything to the raising of her other than that once a month check. She calls my husband Dad and calls her bio dad by his first name.

I definitely think the system is jacked up (and it's different for every state), but I would trade the check in a heartbeat for him to act more like you towards her. just sayin.

THIS too!!!

verymissk

Too many variables and missing information - did she accidentally get pregnant while on the pill or using condoms? Did he make it clear he did not want children from the start? Were there options for her to choose to not keep the child, knowing he would not be present, and she would be a single parent?


I was a single mom whose partner took off when I became pregnant. He did not want to have the child - I did. I never pursued him for child support because it was not his choice to have the child. I could have had an abortion or given my child up for adoption if I decided I did not want to be a single mom doing it all myself.

Just because "it takes two" to make a baby doesn't mean everyone just has to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants. She has total control of her body and her choices (as she should!), and that means that she has the responsibility to make the right choice for herself and the fetus growing inside her.

I am glad you said this. As a man I would have been shot for saying it.

1. he should have been using protection if he did not want children
2. so a single mom with lower income should get an abortion rather than work hard to provide a living for their child
3. it takes 2 to tango and guess what? she's the only one dancing right now because he is no where in sight
4. would you be happier with her living off of the state or making him pay?
5. if he does not want to be a father, he should sign over his rights. until then, he should be held accountable and help provide

1. As should she have. Furthermore, she had control of the options once pregnant.
2. Who said that? Non sequitor
3. That has been her choice thus far.
4. He should pay.
5. Agreed.

Once again, she is not even wanting to file for child support, I am the one letting her know that it's in the best interest of her child if she did. Regardless of birth control or anything else, he could have used a condom or not had sex with her at all knowing what the consequence would be. No one is asking for him to pay a billion bucks a year, but half the cost of food, rent, etc is fair. Daycare alone in Iowa where I live, at least what I am paying for my son is almost 550 bucks per month. Here she is finding sitters and working overnights so she can work to save money and not pay it b/c she can't afford it. No it should not be based off of income but a child deserves a good life. Anything more than what they are getting right now would help. Maybe I should tell her to file for food stamps instead of child support and some of these ridiculous comments would go away smh

Why did she allow him to put it in her without a condom? Men aren't the only ones responsible for whether or not they use one. At this point, I almost see her even more 'at fault' (if you can call it that) for allowing an unprotected member in her baby maker.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she hasn't filed for support because she knows she made all of these choices that led to her being a single mom on her own volition, and she doesn't necessarily feel the man is as at fault? Because given this additional information, that's how I'm feeling.

randomtai

She does not want to look bad? Ugh. She can't take care of herself right now, so she needs to quit worrying about her pride and think about her kid. It annoys me when single moms say that they don't need a man, blah blah blah. They're only hurting their kids. She should file ASAP. I'm not really for public assistance, but I know that some ppl fall on hard times. This is one reason that I'm against it. There are lots of single moms who choose not to file child support. There should be a law that the ppl who file for govt assistance should have tried to pursue child support. When there's another working parent out there that can support their own child, they should go in that parent's pockets first, not every other American's! :mad:

There is... at least here in NYC.

rml_16

Why did she allow him to put it in her without a condom? Men aren't the only ones responsible for whether or not they use one

Certainly not. But the woman is not the only one responsible for the pregnancy.

It's a matter of protecting HIMSELF in that case. If he didn't want to get her pregnant, he should have worn one or not had sex with her. Period.

Both people are equally responsible for the fact there is a child in the world needing food, water, clothing, shelter, education ...

You don't want a baby with a woman? You don't want to have to pay child support? DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER.

ajacot924

That is tough.
I think he should be helping to take care of his child. It seems pretty straightforward to me.
They made that child together and he should provide.
I know you didn't mention this, but I think his wife deserves to know about his extracurricular activities.

BeachIron

She shouldn't have to ask. He failed when he didn't offer to help pay to raise his own child. And even forgetting about the mother for a moment, he owes it to his child.

whierd

Too many variables and missing information - did she accidentally get pregnant while on the pill or using condoms? Did he make it clear he did not want children from the start? Were there options for her to choose to not keep the child, knowing he would not be present, and she would be a single parent?


I was a single mom whose partner took off when I became pregnant. He did not want to have the child - I did. I never pursued him for child support because it was not his choice to have the child. I could have had an abortion or given my child up for adoption if I decided I did not want to be a single mom doing it all myself.

Just because "it takes two" to make a baby doesn't mean everyone just has to acquiesce to whatever the woman wants. She has total control of her body and her choices (as she should!), and that means that she has the responsibility to make the right choice for herself and the fetus growing inside her.

I am glad you said this. As a man I would have been shot for saying it.

1. he should have been using protection if he did not want children
2. so a single mom with lower income should get an abortion rather than work hard to provide a living for their child
3. it takes 2 to tango and guess what? she's the only one dancing right now because he is no where in sight
4. would you be happier with her living off of the state or making him pay?
5. if he does not want to be a father, he should sign over his rights. until then, he should be held accountable and help provide

1. As should she have. Furthermore, she had control of the options once pregnant.
2. Who said that? Non sequitor
3. That has been her choice thus far.
4. He should pay.
5. Agreed.

Once again, she is not even wanting to file for child support, I am the one letting her know that it's in the best interest of her child if she did. Regardless of birth control or anything else, he could have used a condom or not had sex with her at all knowing what the consequence would be. No one is asking for him to pay a billion bucks a year, but half the cost of food, rent, etc is fair. Daycare alone in Iowa where I live, at least what I am paying for my son is almost 550 bucks per month. Here she is finding sitters and working overnights so she can work to save money and not pay it b/c she can't afford it. No it should not be based off of income but a child deserves a good life. Anything more than what they are getting right now would help. Maybe I should tell her to file for food stamps instead of child support and some of these ridiculous comments would go away smh

What ridiculous statements?

If you cannot tolerate differing opinions, a public forum may not be the best place for you to ask questions.

junejadesky

Oy... it's not about her "looking bad". It's about what is best for the child involved. She needs to go to her State office and get the ball rolling. The State does not represent her or the father, the State represents the best interests of the child. Your particular State will determine how much each parent is responsible for depending on their income.

Single parents (mom or dad whichever the case may be) should never be concerned with how things "look". It is about providing for the child. It sounds like your friend is more concerned with keeping up appearances than doing what is best for her child. It's just a no brainer that the baby's father should help to support the child to ensure that all his/her needs are met. Spending time/being involved with the child is a separate issue. Child support is there to financially support the child.

linzchapates

She shouldn't have to ask. He failed when he didn't offer to help pay to raise his own child. And even forgetting about the mother for a moment, he owes it to his child.

Here's a guy who's got it figured out!