Child support- what do you think?
Replies
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My ex-husband actually told me that he couldn't buy new shoes or food for his family because he had to pay a whopping $325 a month for TWO kids, not $325 each but total!!!! I told him he could keep his money. I am lucky that I am married to a man who will provide for kids that are not biologically his. I haven't gotten child support in four years. I could have taken him to court and had his pay garnished, license taken away and his tax returns taken but why???? I have the best part of the deal....my kids
And, don't forget about other things that they can be forced to pay w child support, like medical care. Why would anyone want to take on these responsibilities by themselves??? I'd tell this friend that I would stop helping her if she didn't file for child support. It's nice of you to help when she needs it every now and then, but she has the opportunity to get child support fro the guy who got her pregnant. She just refuses to. Let her deal with that on her own.
I honestly don't want his money....I didn't do it because I feel sorry for him, I honesty have no respect for him. The fact that my current husband takes care of my kids is a plus but I could do it on my own if needed. If it meant we had to live a conservative life then so be it. I would rather him keep his stupid $325 than to put up with him.
I wouldn't advise anyone to do this. I chose this because it's what works for me and my kids. They are happy and have everything they need......without his money.
The reason that I said that is bc the first post of yours that I quoted stated that your current husband provides for your kids, so that implies that you're relying on him to raise your kids when, IMO, you shouldn't be. But, more importantly, I was concerned about what will happen if you two get divorced or something happens to him. My thought is that you would have then gone after your ex for support, but your latest post stated that you'd just live conservatively. I'm not trying to attack you, but I don't think that your kids should have to suffer bc you don't want to deal w your ex. Once you file, that's it. The wages are garnished each pay period and the check is sent to you or the state. You don't even have to deal w him at all. It's not too late.0 -
This fact has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not the single mother should file for support. This fact was put out there specifically to paint the man in a particular light to evoke a desired response from the forum.
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No I did not. I said it b/c it was the truth and it's pretty sick and sad that she found out the reason the father of her child had another family knowning a new child of his was about to be born. It not only hurt her I'm sure, but I'm sure he realized it would hurt his family if they found out the truth. Please dont attempt to give reason for what I wrote. Speak for yourself. Thank you0 -
Listen, we only know half of half of the story
We know two grown adults had consensual sex and a child was born. What else do you need to know?She found out after her child was born that he was married with kids! His family lived in a different state! They had dated almost a year and he always "traveled" for his job.
I think a lot of you missed this part (as well as most of the content of the actual OP).
Yes, I agree that he should pay. I'm talking about the people that are saying things about how she tricked him or how the system is skewed in favor of women...
And he has the money to pay, if he didn't he just wouldn't pay it. It's not actually enforced. They don't actually make a person pay what they don't have.
In CA it can be up to 50% of your income.
Usually they take 50% of your income because you are behind. I don't believe that I've ever seen them take 50% just because.0 -
The child should be supported to the best of both parent's ability. If one parent makes a crapton of money, then they pay MORE. I don't care if they pay more than actual cost of child-rearing, why does the child have to live a lower lifestyle than one of their parents?
So many men complain about their b*tch ex-wife getting to life a lifestyle that they are paying for... Well, you picked her, you scr*wed her, and you made a baby. Use a condom next time or be a little more selective.
I for one am the one who makes way more money. I also picked a wonderful person to marry and have a baby with, so now after divorce we don't need to fight and both do whatever we can for OUR child.0 -
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE DEAD BEAT DADS!
GET WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!
it takes 2 to make that baby.
PAY UP!
*kitten*!
^^THIS^^0 -
Listen, we only know half of half of the story
We know two grown adults had consensual sex and a child was born. What else do you need to know?She found out after her child was born that he was married with kids! His family lived in a different state! They had dated almost a year and he always "traveled" for his job.
I think a lot of you missed this part (as well as most of the content of the actual OP).
Yes, I agree that he should pay. I'm talking about the people that are saying things about how she tricked him or how the system is skewed in favor of women...
The tricking part was sarcasm. And it is skewed.
And he has the money to pay, if he didn't he just wouldn't pay it. It's not actually enforced. They don't actually make a person pay what they don't have. When I was in college I did mediation in the courts watching case after case of people coming in saying they were not being paid, and the judge said, "Oh, well, if he won't pay he won't pay. There's nothing I can do about that."
They can garnish wages or even take you to jail for not paying. Doesn't matter if you are in debt, if you have income coming in they take the payment first.
Some judges will garnish wages (if they have wages to garnish). When I was in court (training in mediation) the judge said no to ever garnishing wages.
I understand that some judges won't, I was just replying to you saying "it's not actually enforced".0 -
A vague friend of mine committed suicide after having his life pretty much destroyed by the mother of his child.
Long story short - drunk sex lead to pregnancy, led to court orders to relieve him of 50% of his income, led to loss of home, led to depression and finally, almost four years after the nigh of drunken sex he parked his car outside her house and blew his own brains out with a shotgun.
She had three children by three men, all of whom paid for her home, cars, etc
My ex-wife signed an agreement to not come after me as the divorce settlement included a lump sum (many hundreds of thousands) and property (2 paid-off homes with rental income) in lieu of child support. This did not stop her trying and it cost me a great deal of money in legal fees to prevent her from getting even more money out of me.
Child support is to pay for the support of children, not the mothers.0 -
Listen, we only know half of half of the story
We know two grown adults had consensual sex and a child was born. What else do you need to know?She found out after her child was born that he was married with kids! His family lived in a different state! They had dated almost a year and he always "traveled" for his job.
I think a lot of you missed this part (as well as most of the content of the actual OP).
Yes, I agree that he should pay. I'm talking about the people that are saying things about how she tricked him or how the system is skewed in favor of women...
And he has the money to pay, if he didn't he just wouldn't pay it. It's not actually enforced. They don't actually make a person pay what they don't have.
In CA it can be up to 50% of your income.
Usually they take 50% of your income because you are behind. I don't believe that I've ever seen them take 50% just because.
Exactly, this thread is full of anecdotal evidence of "Well, my buddy told me this happened and this is why it happened and this is how it happened!"0 -
you know what I agree with that. It should be based on the cost of raising a child rather than income, but in some cases like this she's making probably less than 18k a year and he's making 90k a year. His other kids probably have a college fund I feel that her child should get the same treatment as the others. I commend you for taking care of your kids. You don't hear of too many single dads in the area I live in. People like you could def make a difference in some of the dead beat dads out there
The fact that she makes very little and he makes a lot doesn't change it. No, the kid shouldn't "have the same treatment as the others" unless he chooses to make it so. The only things he should ever be on the hook for is 1/2 the cost of raising the kid. She should have been more careful about having a kid if she wasn't ready for the responsibility. If he chooses to do more than the minimum, that's on him.
If she was under the impression that it was a long term relationship, she would have thought THEY were ready. It still doesn't change the fact that he is still responsible.
I agree that child support can be expensive, but when you factor in clothes, school supplies, FOOD, insurance, etc. you spend quite a bit more than you may realize each month on your children.
I get a whopping $124 a month per child from their father.....
I agree there should be a limit, but the father should be expected to pay a portion of what he was making when he concieved the child (what the mother expected him to be able to care for their child) not a huge raise with a new job 3 years later.0 -
what I've always found interesting is a woman can get an abortion with out the Dad's consent if she doesn't want it. She doesn't even have to tell him. She has all the control. So if a guy does not want a kid, gives up his rights, asks her to terminate, why should he have to pay up the rest of his life? It does indeed take two to tango, and if a woman puts herself in a position to get knocked up by a man she doesn't know too well and is not married to....well then....it's the bed you made.
He's free to sign over his rights
she's offered it to him already. it's still an option that he has refused to take and just do nothing about. so that is why i feel he can help take care of the child.
If she is struggling WHY would she offer for him to sign over his parental rights? Then he has no legal claim to the child and would not ever have to pay support.
She needs to do what is best for the child and GO FILE WITH THE STATE FOR SUPPORT. It's not about her and the father; it's about what is in the best interest of the child.
Legally, the state will not allow him to sign over her rights unless she is married to someone who wants to adopt the child.
Here in iowa she spoke to a family attorney and with him living in a different state if they both agreed he would be able to sign over his rights. he never responde to her asking him if he wanted to do so. so I guess Legally it depends on where you live?0 -
This is a topic I have thought about alot and I am still not sure I have made my mind up completely.
But for now, I do not think the father owes any child support if he said from the beginning of the pregnancy that he did not want the child. I don't think it's fair that women can choose to have an abortion or not and the father has no say so in the matter.0 -
Listen, we only know half of half of the story
We know two grown adults had consensual sex and a child was born. What else do you need to know?She found out after her child was born that he was married with kids! His family lived in a different state! They had dated almost a year and he always "traveled" for his job.
I think a lot of you missed this part (as well as most of the content of the actual OP).
Yes, I agree that he should pay. I'm talking about the people that are saying things about how she tricked him or how the system is skewed in favor of women...
The tricking part was sarcasm. And it is skewed.
And he has the money to pay, if he didn't he just wouldn't pay it. It's not actually enforced. They don't actually make a person pay what they don't have. When I was in college I did mediation in the courts watching case after case of people coming in saying they were not being paid, and the judge said, "Oh, well, if he won't pay he won't pay. There's nothing I can do about that."
They can garnish wages or even take you to jail for not paying. Doesn't matter if you are in debt, if you have income coming in they take the payment first.
Some judges will garnish wages (if they have wages to garnish). When I was in court (training in mediation) the judge said no to ever garnishing wages.
I understand that some judges won't, I was just replying to you saying "it's not actually enforced".
Yeah, I understand. I know it happens in certain circumstances. I was training in mediation in a low income area, so there was no garnishing wages going on. That was why they offered mediation to help people settle to an agreement. And it worked amazingly well. They came into the mediation combative and left with a compromise.0 -
No excuse for not paying it. No excuse for not filing. That money goes to help feed, clothe and shelter the child. That is the very basic and lowest level of parenting. Not paying or not filing is a form of neglect. You are intentionally denying that child access to resources he or she deserves. At the very least those funds can be invested towards the child's future. A college education ain't cheap and it ain't gonna get any cheaper.
A responsible parent will pay.
A responsible parent will file.0 -
A vague friend of mine committed suicide after having his life pretty much destroyed by the mother of his child.
Long story short - drunk sex lead to pregnancy, led to court orders to relieve him of 50% of his income, led to loss of home, led to depression and finally, almost four years after the nigh of drunken sex he parked his car outside her house and blew his own brains out with a shotgun.
She had three children by three men, all of whom paid for her home, cars, etc
My ex-wife signed an agreement to not come after me as the divorce settlement included a lump sum (many hundreds of thousands) and property (2 paid-off homes with rental income) in lieu of child support. This did not stop her trying and it cost me a great deal of money in legal fees to prevent her from getting even more money out of me.
Child support is to pay for the support of children, not the mothers.0 -
Even if she files, it isn't a guarantee she will see the money, Ultimately, it is her responsibility as the one raising the child to ensure the child has the best life she can possibly give him/her. The child support needs to be viewed as "rainy day' money, there if needed in an emergency, but not as needed everyday to make ends meet.
FYI: I'm speaking from first hand experience. I raised my daughter as a single parent, child support was filed but my daughter is now 20 and I still have yet to see any of the $20,000 + back support owed and it has gone to court on several occassions, he lost his driver's license, had leins put against his property and even jail time. I was rubbing pennies together when my daughter was born, living paycheck to paycheck...but I continued my path to better my self, working 2 jobs, getting a college degree,etc.. and was able to provide for my daugther quite well on my own...because it was MY responsibility as her mother0 -
Listen, we only know half of half of the story
We know two grown adults had consensual sex and a child was born. What else do you need to know?She found out after her child was born that he was married with kids! His family lived in a different state! They had dated almost a year and he always "traveled" for his job.
I think a lot of you missed this part (as well as most of the content of the actual OP).
Yes, I agree that he should pay. I'm talking about the people that are saying things about how she tricked him or how the system is skewed in favor of women...
And he has the money to pay, if he didn't he just wouldn't pay it. It's not actually enforced. They don't actually make a person pay what they don't have.
In CA it can be up to 50% of your income.
Usually they take 50% of your income because you are behind. I don't believe that I've ever seen them take 50% just because.
Exactly, this thread is full of anecdotal evidence of "Well, my buddy told me this happened and this is why it happened and this is how it happened!"
I see a lot of financial information. The up to 50% here in CA, which was specifically referenced, is not anecdotal.
eta: I should add the higher percentage is generally found in fathers with higher overall income. I have seen people pay $150k annually in child support.0 -
I think that she has every right to file for child support. Children are expensive.
I get both cases... I get child support for my 3 kids from my ex and my partner pays out child support for his 3 kids. It's frustrating on my end to watch his ex spend all the money on herself and that we are still responsible to buy clothes for the kids and get hair cuts etc etc while she is on her butt at home not working and spending all the child support on herself. Touchy subject on my part as well as my ex does not pay me based on his income but yet my partner is.0 -
This is a topic I have thought about alot and I am still not sure I have made my mind up completely.
But for now, I do not think the father owes any child support if he said from the beginning of the pregnancy that he did not want the child. I don't think it's fair that women can choose to have an abortion or not and the father has no say so in the matter.
If he didn't want a child with anyone other than his wife, he should not have had sex with any woman other than his wife. That's the only way to be 100% sure. Even the best of contraceptives fail.0 -
Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
I love this response. Agree 100%. I always think the parent without custody should help, but basing on salary is a bit crazy to me for the same reasons you mentioned.0 -
nvm. Don't think I want to be apart of this argument. Carry on.:laugh:0
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This is a topic I have thought about alot and I am still not sure I have made my mind up completely.
But for now, I do not think the father owes any child support if he said from the beginning of the pregnancy that he did not want the child. I don't think it's fair that women can choose to have an abortion or not and the father has no say so in the matter.
Wow! Abortion is NOT a form of birth control. So you are suggesting that because she opted not to end the life of the child he helped her create, then he is completely absolved from responsibility?
So if I you let me borrow your car, but I had a crappy driving record, and informed you of it ahead of time, and then totalled your car, you would absolve me of the responsibility of paying for your car??0 -
A vague friend of mine committed suicide after having his life pretty much destroyed by the mother of his child.
Long story short - drunk sex lead to pregnancy, led to court orders to relieve him of 50% of his income, led to loss of home, led to depression and finally, almost four years after the nigh of drunken sex he parked his car outside her house and blew his own brains out with a shotgun.
She had three children by three men, all of whom paid for her home, cars, etc
My ex-wife signed an agreement to not come after me as the divorce settlement included a lump sum (many hundreds of thousands) and property (2 paid-off homes with rental income) in lieu of child support. This did not stop her trying and it cost me a great deal of money in legal fees to prevent her from getting even more money out of me.
Child support is to pay for the support of children, not the mothers.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and the situation with your ex-wife.
There are a lot of crappy people in the world women and men. Mothers and fathers.0 -
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TOLERATE DEAD BEAT DADS!
GET WHAT YOU RIGHTFULLY DESERVE!
it takes 2 to make that baby.
PAY UP!
*kitten*!
^^THIS^^0 -
Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
DJ...I agree with our post half heartedly. It does not take what is expected from fathers to take care of a kid. Both parents should be responsible for half , but the system as we know it is crazed. I think she is going after suport for the wrong reasons (because he got a new job). Personally if she feels she needds help then go get support, but dont expect this guy to do more than pay his support. When sh edecided to sleep with him unprotected she assumed half baby responsibility and so did he, only problem with that is, he can walk away and unless she wants to give up custody, she cant. basically she should get support, take care of her kids and move on. I applaud you for being a single father not expecting support, but just because its not expected doesnt mean it wouldnt be respected if she gave it. so with that being said, why are you allowing her to go free with no responsibilities just because you feel the system is flawed? any amount is better than none. even if you just put it in a bank account for the kids when they become an adult and want that first car/college money...etc...0 -
This is a topic I have thought about alot and I am still not sure I have made my mind up completely.
But for now, I do not think the father owes any child support if he said from the beginning of the pregnancy that he did not want the child. I don't think it's fair that women can choose to have an abortion or not and the father has no say so in the matter.
If he didn't want a child with anyone other than his wife, he should not have had sex with any woman other than his wife. That's the only way to be 100% sure. Even the best of contraceptives fail.
And that totally makes sense! I agree about no sex being the best form of contraception!
But then I start thinking about how the mother still has another option and can choose to get an abortion if contraception fails. The father can not force her to have an abortion and does not have the same option, no matter how much he wants one.
And I also feel if a women isn't able to support a child on her own and she has no contract with another person (marriage, civil union, or a some sort of legal document) maybe she should think twice about having kids. Anything can happen (divorce or partner dies) and not all relationships last.0 -
This is a topic I have thought about alot and I am still not sure I have made my mind up completely.
But for now, I do not think the father owes any child support if he said from the beginning of the pregnancy that he did not want the child. I don't think it's fair that women can choose to have an abortion or not and the father has no say so in the matter.
Wow! Abortion is NOT a form of birth control. So you are suggesting that because she opted not to end the life of the child he helped her create, then he is completely absolved from responsibility?
So if I you let me borrow your car, but I had a crappy driving record, and informed you of it ahead of time, and then totalled your car, you would absolve me of the responsibility of paying for your car??
I don't want to get in a debate about abortion......I should have known better when I posted this!0 -
After my 4 siblings and I were grown adults, my stepfather came to each one of us and asked us to talk our mother into letting him off of paying his $26,000 in arrearages. Because, in his words, we were all adults now and she didn't need the money. (FYI...the support he owed was on his 3 children only. My father paid his for me and one of my siblings.)
Well, guess what, we ALL told him where to get off. My mother did without and worked multiple jobs for many years to make sure there was food on the table, a roof over our heads and, once in awhile, some extras. She deserved every bit of that money to make her life a little easier after stressing about where our next meal would come from. Or, how she was going to pay for glasses needed, etc. All while he sat his butt in a bar night after night. Supporting the bar owners.
To those saying that none of the money should go to the mothers. Who's to say whose dime paid for her new pair of shoes. (If she has a job.) If she works, she is entitled to something too. He pays his amount then spends the rest on what he feels like. Very rarely does the amount of child support cover even a small portion of what it costs to take care of a child.
On the other hand, when I was divorced, we got joint physical custody. We didn' include FOC and there was no child support set up. He maintained a household for the children and so did I. They lived one week with him and one week with me. All "extra's" whether it be needs or wants, were split down the middle. Sometimes, I was having financial difficulty and he would pick up the slack. Sometimes, it was the other way around.
Bottom line is, when we agreed to have children, it was discussed that if divorced ever happened, we still had to co-parent. And, any relationship I've been in since, they understand that my ex-husband is my friend. Both because, we are adults and can manage it and because we share children. Now that they are all grown...same situation. We share a common bond. Though we don't have to, we choose to.0 -
I agree with the 50/50 payment from each parent, but only if each parent has the kid 50% of the time. If the mother is raising the kid 80% of the time the father should pay more, but i also do not think that a father should have to support the mother as much as the kid. Its a tough situation regardless and one i hope i would never have to deal with.
If each parent has the kid 50% of the time, then no child support is needed.
If the parents share the child rearing & financial responsibilities 50/50 then no support should be paid or expected to be paid HOWEVER the child should not be forced to suffer because the NON- custodial parent is not involved in their life financially or physically. I have raised my son ALONE his entire life with no help from his POS donor. He is suppose to pay child support but barely pays 3 months worth per year and he’s only ordered to pay enough to pay the light bill. I make decent income on my own but it’s barely enough to get by every month. Even though I feel overwhelmed at times because it is just me doing it all by myself I take a deep breath and remember I am a strong, independent woman, a good mother, and I should pat myself on the back to know that I CAN and HAVE taken care of my son myself without his POS donor and the Gov’t assistance for 15 yrs.0 -
Did he know that she wasnt on the pill?0
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Personal bias admittance: I am a single dad. However, I am not paying child support. I am raising my children. They visit their mom, and I have never sought child support from her.
The whole child support system is skewed. I know how much money I would have to pay if I did not have custody of my kids, and the amount that actually cost is a small fraction of that. What child support then equates to is ex wife/ex gf/ex mistress/ex whatever support. Because it is way above and beyond what is actually needed to help raise kids, assuming the dad has a decent job.
I am of the firm belief that if child support were more in line with 1/2 the actual cost of raising kids (two parents, each should pay 1/2 the cost), you would see more people willingly stepping up to take care of it. There is no reason that child support should be based on salary, because the cost of raising the child is not changed by how much dad earns. No guy wants to be saddled paying a ton of money, of which only a fraction is actually needed to raise the kids. The end result is they are supporting a child AND the childs mother. It is immoral to expect a man to financially support a woman for 18+ years because he had a child with her. The child, yes. The woman, no.
There should be a baseline cost for raising kids, with locality adjustments. When child support is to be paid, the paying parent pays 1/2 that amount. It doesn't matter how much you make, you are equally responsible to support the child. And it should be adjusted to account for visitation. If the dad has the kids 30% of the time, his payment should be reduced to reflect that he is feeding, clothing, and sheltering the child 30% of the time.
There is a baseline with locality adjustments (every state differs) and speaking from personal experience and the experiences of several other people I know well, the amount we receive in child support doesn't cover half of what I spend supporting my child. Support includes: housing, food, a car, school clothes (several times a year because they grow so fast!), shoes, school supplies, doctor visits and insurance premiums, extra curriculars and I'm sure there is more I'm missing... But if I averaged out all those things that I spend throughout the year, I guarantee it is more than the $561/mo I am getting in support each month.
All that said, I do understand the frustrations of single dads, I know a few who are in your situation. Don't generalize the support issues. This woman needs to look beyond her pride and start thinking of her child. That male should be paying whatever fair share their state dictates.0
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