Parenting advice from strangers

It depends. Is she a responsible young lady who will make good choices? Do you have a good enough relationship that she would call you for a ride if things get bad? Even if she is drunk or did something else you would not approve of? Is she going with a group of friends HER age that are unlikely to drink/have sex/do drugs? Otherwise she is more likely to give in to peer pressure by the older people if she is alone. Is there adult supervision that you trust?

Could you have a party at your house for all of her friends? Even promise to leave for a while? Or let them each have one wine cooler or something? Learn about responsible drinking and fun?

I never got to do ANYTHING when I was young and it really sucked. It was harder to fit in, I rarely had any fun, and I felt really left out all of the time. That is hard. I knew a couple other people that rebelled really hard because they weren't allowed to do anything. Nothing became everything. They hadn't been taught responsibility, restraint, safety etc. They were already "misbehaving" so why not go truly crazy? On the other hand, no rules and anything goes by parents end up leading to the same thing. It's all a balance.

I was not a terribly strict parent with my daughter and my parents were not with me.

She still wouldn't have been allowed to go to something like this and I probably wouldn't, either. Though I probably wouldn't have even asked ...

There is a line between too permissive and too strict. You don't have to allow your children to do things that are clearly a bad idea in order to keep them from rebelling.

I would prefer my child did not attend. And I might plan something super fabulous and fun for my child and his/her closest friends that night, so they had something else to do/good reason to not go, lest classmates quiz them about it and so that they know there are always altenatives to hanging out with people who may not be the best...

I think a lot depends on the circumstances. Being only a freshman, I would say no, she's too young. Maybe if she was a junior or senior, maybe. But...I think it depends on what the boys "criminal activity" was. That is kind of vague. Was it harassment? rape? stealing? threatening? drugs? etc. Why were the charges dropped? Does she know? Does she know any "inside" (rumors) information that is going around the school?
Also, I would be calling the parents throwing the party asking if there would be supervision and if they needed any volunteer supervisors (me!!), and or if there was going to be police present since it is a large party. Good idea, notifying the police of the party. Also, ask the parents why there is a fee? Is it to make up the money for paying off the charges? Know what kind of daughter you have on your hands. Is she just itching for a chance to let loose and may make some bad desicions? or is she usually cautious and smart about things. All important questions.

I'd let her go. If she's in high school, she's old enough to start making some of her own decisions about what kind of a person she wants to be.

If you have an issue with how the kids are acting and the related consequences at school, that is something to take up with the principal and school board. Telling your daughter that she can't go to the party won't make one bit of difference to those kids. It could mean a lot to your daughter and it is kind of passive aggressively asking her to fight your battles.

I might check with the parents of the kids to make sure there will be no alcohol and adequate supervision however.

This.

But peer pressure being what it is I'd let my daughter go if everyone else is, no point making a stand on your own - sadly life is like this anyway .

Peer pressure is not a good reason for a parent to allow their child to do anything. Especially at 14 years old (or thereabout). My boys are this age (12 and 14) and no way would they be going to this party. First of all, mixing 14 year olds with 18 year olds is a recipe for disaster. There is a world of difference in maturity and experience. Secondly, I am trying to raise my kids to be independent thinkers and me giving in to peer pressure is not a good example to set. On top of that, according to the info given, these kids are potentially criminals and bullies. There is no reason in the world to purposely expose your kids to that.

So no...don't let your daughter go (IMHO).

Daughter in question is a freshman.

First thought she's too young, but then I remembered my Mom let me go to a party like this in the 6th grade and it was a good experience.

What's up with charging admission?

I say let her go Mom. Of course there are stipulations she has a curfew, you take her there, and you pick her up. If there is alcohol she is to call you, and if she has any problems call. I'd talk to the parents too.

You can be a little spy Mom and kind of pull the car around the block but then turn it around and just watch the front see who is going in and out.

It high school she has to have these social interactions. As long as she stays away from the alcohol and keeps her head on her shoulder she'll be fine.

Which age do you feel is a good one to begin trusting your children to make sound decisions?

Which age do you feel is a good one to begin trusting your children to make sound decisions?

Not sure if you're challenging the advice people gave to keep her home or not, but since this point has been raised a couple of times, here is as good a place as any to address my opinion.

In the field of Human Development there is something knows as the zone of proximal development (introduced by Zygotsky), also known as scaffolding. Basically, there is a level where a child (or teen) can make decisions or perform a task on their own, a level where they can do it with the assistance of a more experienced person (mom & dad in this case) and a point where it is beyond their ability even with help. The best learning and progression occurs when the child is in the zone where it is too challenging to do all on their own, but have appropriate support. Support starts out heavy, and as the child learns to do the task on their own, is gradually removed (like a scaffold on a building)

I think this situation is a perfect teaching moment. At 15 (typical freshman age), most teens are learning how to make wise decisions regarding parties, friends, drinking, drugs, sex, and peer pressure. They are in this zone of proximal development, where they need support in making wise decisions. Many are still needing a LOT of help from parents. If this is the first time such a situation has come up, she needs a lot of help in deciding whether it's appropriate or safe for her to be there - and because she's still learning she's in a position to be more susceptible to peer pressure (and more vulnerable to predatory behavior of older, savvier kids). She needs parents to guide her and help her find healthy, safe alternatives.

If she's encountered peer pressure before, and successfully stood by her morals/convictions, there's a better chance that letting her go would be ok. I personally wouldn't consider it a great chance, though. If she doesn't care about looking good in front of her classmates, and she really is aware of the bullying and criminal behavior, she probably won't want to go. Kids can be smart about that

So to answer the question: I don't think it's a set age. There isn't a switch that flips at 14 or 16 or even 18 that means she can always make good decisions. It depends on how many chances she's had (with appropriate support) to learn how to make those decisions. The teen years are all about teaching kids these skills, and gradually stepping back and relinquishing the control to there. And that does take time.

There is a reason, after all, why 18 is considered legal adult where 16 isn't.

Absolutely not.

Have you not heard of the Steubenville and Maryville rape cases? Sounds like another one of these in the making to me.

No.

Thank you all for sharing your opinions - you all sound a lot like me.
A bit more information:

1. My daughter is wise and makes good choices for a 14-year-old, and we have a great open relationship. However, she doesn't want to be the "only" kid not going.
2. We've had a good talk about why I'm resistant, but she's a teen and doesn't really see it through a parent's eyes.
3. You are right - if these parents pressured the school and victims into letting the charges drop, they probably aren't the best chaperones for a giant shindig full of teens.
4. This decision sucks.

I doubt she'll be the "only" kid not going. And having an alternative activity for her and some friends might lessen the sting a bit.

I'm sure she doesn't understand through a parent's eyes. And you're right, this decision kind of does suck But you really need to follow your gut on this one, and it sounds like your gut is saying don't let her go. She'll say you've ruined her life (you haven't), maybe even that she hates you (she doesn't really), and that you're the meanest parent ever (you aren't). But in the long run, I think she'll thank you. After all, she is wise and has a great, open relationship, and putting your foot down shouldn't be an end to that.

Even if these parents were the best chaperones, it sounds like too many kids for the number of adults. I guess you could go as a chaperone and keep her out of trouble. But that would probably be more un-cool than her missing it!


Anyway, from mom to mom, I want to send you hugs. This is the tough part of being a parent! I hope you can make the best decision for her, and feel good about it in the long run.

Absolutely not.

Have you not heard of the Steubenville and Maryville rape cases? Sounds like another one of these in the making to me.

No.

I hav a friend who went to a similar party as a high school freshman. She was drugged and gang raped there.

Yes, she's in high school and needs a little bit of independence. But she's still a child and she still needs guidance and protection. No way in the world would I allow this, I bet a lot of parents are saying no to their children and I wouldn't feel the list bit bad about it.

In case you're curious here's our decision:

"Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

Thanks all!

Sounds very reasonable. I hope it works out for you, and she respects your decision, even if she doesn't understand it.

Absolutely not. From your description I do not believe this party would provide appropriate adult supervision for my child to attend. Especially if I do not know the parents hosting the party. No. Way. No. Day.

In case you're curious here's our decision:

"Honey, we've decided that you may not go. We've discussed our reasons. I don't expect you to agree or understand right now, but you will when you're a parent. This decision was very hard, and we know how upset you are to miss this event. Go ahead and be mad, but our decision is firm. As an alternative, I'm offering our house and all the food you could want for your friends".

This is going to be heartbreaking, but necessary.

Thanks all!

This. Brilliant parenting! I love the fact that you are willing to offer an alternative to your daughter and her friends. Fantastic!!!

Fantastic. I truly believe you're making the right decision. Hold on to your hats, there will be more decisions like this to make. But, you are starting off on the right foot. Being a parent. Not a buddy.

I tended to lean a little towards the buddy side on some things. There are regrets.