Unsupportive Boyfriend and House

24

Replies

  • StheK
    StheK Posts: 443 Member
    I just am trying so hard, and when I voice my frustrations I get criticized so harshly that I'm starting to wonder if it is just me, maybe I am just super weak and stupid. I don't know. I just needed to get some advice from someone outside this crazy house.

    Major red flag to me. You are not in a healthy place, this is not a healthy relationship, and I'd GTFO. No relationship is worth being in if it (or the circumstances that come with it) tear you down like this. I see no good coming out of your feeling weak and stupid and judged. Recognize that you made a mistake and move on before this becomes the rest of your life.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Okay, it's pathetic that he still lives at home and has his parents cook for him. Dump him, find your own place. Well past time to grow up. You're wasting your time with this loser and his fat family.

    I'm only 20 and there is nothing, NOTHING, that would entice me to move back in with my parents or anyone else's. Get a job. Rent an apartment. I did that the very instant I turned 18. Even before I moved out, I was buying and cooking my own food. Seriously, he sounds extremely pathetic. Do you want to date a little boy or a man?

    QFT X2!!!! Get your own life together before you can worry about anything else.
  • basslinewild
    basslinewild Posts: 294 Member
    I also live with my boyfriend's parents, who eat a lot of processed food. I suggest buying your own food. Sometimes I'll eat small portions of what my boyfriend's mom makes, but if I don't think it's worth the calories/fat/etc I know I have my own food I can eat.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    The great thing about discussing issues like this on a chat forum is that it's a great place to dump your emotional baggage.

    The bad thing is you end up having everyone else's emotional baggage dumped on you in exchange.
  • wilsoje74
    wilsoje74 Posts: 1,720 Member
    Why can't you make your own meals?
  • Altim
    Altim Posts: 1
    It sounds like you are under quite a bit of stress. That is the first thing which makes loosing weight harder.
    2 if the boyfriend is critical now.....sorry honey, it wont change, if anything it will get worse. Do you want to live your life like that?
    He is intentionally sabotaging your relationship because he doesn't want to move away from momma. RUNNNNN!
  • Rawfoodsho
    Rawfoodsho Posts: 181
    Dump him. Move on with your life
  • LiminalAscendance
    LiminalAscendance Posts: 489 Member
    I agree with most of the posters that suggest you should move out (although if that was a convenient alternative, I doubt you'd be there in the first place).

    Expecting his mother to change her eating habits (which she's probably had her entire life) for you, due to your inability to eat in moderation? It's not like she's putting arsenic in your food.

    And bringing pancakes and sausages to your room? Yeah, she sounds like a real b****.

    Don't blame others for your eating habits. Either eat the (free) food in moderation, or fix your own. Problem solved.
  • Rawfoodsho
    Rawfoodsho Posts: 181
    I should think the major concern here is that you have given up your previous life and changed everything to move to him. Does not sound like he has changed much of anything to meet you half way here. You are living in his mothers house, you need to follow his mothers rules, but waiting until you know you can live together hardly seems fair when you already took that leap of faith by moving to him. Sounds like you want to make this work with him, but that unfortunately means accepting that you are not about to lose any of that weight until you move out. I'd suggest adding as much exercise to your schedule as you can reasonably manage and focus on getting that body strong and healthy so when its time to change your diet you will be in an overall healthier position to do so.

    Good luck!

    She isn't being force fed the food. Plus portion control can be key when it comes to those big servings of Italian food. She doesn't have to eat all the snacks lying around the house. At the same time, why is she living with her 26 year old boyfriend at his parents house? Do either of them even have JOBS to buy their own food?
  • CharRicho
    CharRicho Posts: 389 Member
    If you can't or don't want to move out (and really, sacrificing an otherwise good relationship to lose weight might be going to the extreme - but that's for you to decide if it IS in fact an otherwise good relationship) - then my suggestion is to start working out like crazy!

    You will lose weight if you burn off more calories than you're consuming... so try to minimize the amount of your boyfriend's mother's food that you eat (portion control, I understand it's a tight line to walk) and try to burn the rest off! Take up running or biking or Zumba, start up a shred or video workout program, or spend your spare time in the gym. Do whatever you can do... and put it back on yourself to get it done! You will feel better about yourself for doing it NO MATTER WHAT the situation around you, and maybe it will be inspiring to those around you too (you can only hope right).

    In the meantime, work on subtly convincing your boyfriend it might be time for you two to get your own place! This might be difficult but hopefully over a bit of time he'll be ready to move forward. And then you can limit your consumption of his mother's food to once or twice a week treats.

    Good luck!
  • MagicalLeopleurodon
    MagicalLeopleurodon Posts: 623 Member
    Eat the pasta in smaller portions.

    Cook your own dinner.

    Taaahdaah.
  • dswolverine
    dswolverine Posts: 246 Member
    While i (fortunately) do not live with my fiance's parents, my fiance is very thin and can eat whatever he wants. So we do have some junk around our place, but I have taken the initiative to cook healthy things for myself and he will either share, or eat something higher calorie/fat on his own. I think your boyfriend should be more supportive, but you also need to work on willpower. It's tough- believe me i know!!! Question though- if you stopped eating his mom's high calorie italian food would he give you crap about it? Would he (or she) see it as disrespect?
  • hungryhobbit1
    hungryhobbit1 Posts: 259 Member
    Eh. I am 5 feet tall and 150 lbs and there is no amount of exercise that will move that scale if my diet isn't right. I feel the OP's pain. Some of us short girls are built for packing on the pounds whilst exercising.

    My concern for the OP is that even if he moves out with her tomorrow, he's still going to be arguing with her about food. He's obviously used to being fed copious quantities of relatively unhealthy food and if she doesn't feed him to this same standard or allow a lot of snacks in the house, it's going to be a constant battle.

    I don't fight this battle any more, on the snack front. I just don't eat them. Sucks, but that is the solution.

    I'm sorry, but are FKM with this cr*p?? Please tell me you are. :noway:

    ETA: The woman in those videos is scary skinny. Like: Anorexic IMO.

    :laugh: I agree. I know she is a lot skinny, but the workout and the burns to earn the calories the OP needs to eat, is what that recommendation is about. Focusing on the specificity of the HIIT combination (low jacks + dancing crabs + side oblique pushups + ninja tuck jumps for 24 reps) is what I'm proposing for her. The demo participant is borderline extreme skinny, tight, athletic, however she'd still not lost her bust which is great. Some who are too skinny or are too muscular are susceptible to losing the bust.

    ETA: bold code
  • RachyLovesRattys
    RachyLovesRattys Posts: 143 Member
    Hello there! I'm 22, 5 foot, italian as all hell...and I know how it is!

    I feel a lot of people here aren't understanding how Italian families work and the incredible focus on food and large portions. It is a culture, a custom, and often a source of offending people who don't understand healthy eating sadly.

    I was overweight my whole life. Not significantly, but not unnoticeably either. Growing up, my family would praise me when the scale went up, and eventually I hit a point around 6th grade where I was like "wait...this isn't a good weight for me...why are they cheering?" My doctor also bluntly said "you'd better lay off the Burger King sweetie" (I always hated him >_<)

    But the blunt truth is that they never will change. I have so many italian friends with mothers that are in DIRE health conditions and will not give up stocking the house with sausages, white bread, and bag upon bag of pasta. Thank God my mother is not in dire conditions yet, but I do also deal with the same battle. My mother likes to rinse out the pasta sauce jar with cream to get every last bit...that kind of situation.

    You have to decide which is more important to you. The fact that he defends his mother so much is a bad sign...he should be supporting you! Even if you aren't eating the same foods- I don't get why that's anyone else's problem! But I do understand your position and how it offends her, though you don't mean to. They really are just like that.

    The other day I went to my aunts and it's been 300 days of healthy eating for me. My mom asked what I'd like when we go there because of my eating requirements, and to make everyone happy I said "chinese food". I got a steamed veggie and shrimp plate, ate some lo-mein, a giant dumpling, and half a can of Coke (the craziest day I had in a while). I had worked out all morning, so I wasn't too concerned. And I was proud that nobody in my family would think I was "eating weird food" either. Needless to say, after stuffing my face, my aunt says, "So, when are you going to start eating NORMAL food again?" Umm....what is this? Some outer space food?

    They just don't understand. When I was vegan for 6 months a while back, you should have heard the comments from my extended family. My mom understood, but everyone else was like "you're going to die! you can't survive without animal protein!" despite my arguments about substitutes and the vitamin content of green leafy vegetables.

    Do this for you- ignore everyone else. If she gets that pissed at you- or if he does- then it's their own problem and you deserve better than that. No one should have to try and please everyone just to eat a damn meal!

    My heart is with you...I hope this situation leads to a healthier happier you in the end <3
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member

    we are planning to look for a house after the new year,

    Is everyone reading this right, you mean buy a house? If you mean buy a house, that sounds pretty risky, given the situation. Renting, maybe.....

    I don't know how common it is for a man to move straight from his Mom's house, and in with his GF.... but it seems like it might be trading one mother figure in for another one. But that's not what you asked about. :wink:
  • KardioKim
    KardioKim Posts: 160 Member
    I don't guess I can offer you any more advice than what's already been said. I lived in a house with people who ate bad food all the time. It is incredibly difficult to turn it down. I moved out and have lost 10 pounds and I'm not finished yet.

    You'll have to decide what's best for you. You can't expect them to change. It's not realistic. You can expect you to change. That is something you control. Don't let it get to the point where you're bitter, angry or whatever because this is happening to you.

    Fight for it.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    When I told my husband that his snacks were making it hard for me to lose weight, he said that I could choose not to eat them. He was right.
  • kaorinchan
    kaorinchan Posts: 37 Member
    Please don't take this as an attack, but I really think that losing weight should be the least of your worries at this time.

    I think your bigger problem is that you've made a big mistake moving in with an adult man who still lives with his mother and values her feelings more than yours. I believe that you would be better off focusing on moving out and getting your own place, and placing this relationship on hold until your boyfriend also moves out and gets his own place.

    ^this
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    First off, those of you judging the boyfriend for still living at home, obviously have never been in a situation where you couldn't afford to live on your own. A LOT of young people still live at home because of the economic downturn and the lack of good-paying jobs. My husband and I live with his mother. Believe me, if we had the money to live on our own, we would. But we live on Long Island, where rent is bloody ridiculous.

    Now, onto the other issue. You CAN cook for yourself. Your boyfriend's mom is not physically forcing you to eat her food. Yes, she will be insulted by you not eating her cooking at first, but I'm sure if you stand your ground, while at the same time explaining to her that her cooking is awesome, BUT it's harming your progress, she may respect you and back down. OR you can eat LESS of what she cooks. Log it and stay within your caloric limit and exercise. Either way, YOU are the one responsible for what you put in your mouth.

    Do you and your boyfriend work? If so, then start saving.
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    The great thing about discussing issues like this on a chat forum is that it's a great place to dump your emotional baggage.

    The bad thing is you end up having everyone else's emotional baggage dumped on you in exchange.

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :flowerforyou:
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member

    First off, those of you judging the boyfriend for still living at home, obviously have never been in a situation where you couldn't afford to live on your own. A LOT of young people still live at home because of the economic downturn and the lack of good-paying jobs.

    I have to admit, I didn't think of this, because I am old. My question would be.... and this is not directed at your husband.... Is this generation of men less self-reliant than previous generations? Is living at home longer making men less personally responsible, or does it make no difference?
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member

    First off, those of you judging the boyfriend for still living at home, obviously have never been in a situation where you couldn't afford to live on your own. A LOT of young people still live at home because of the economic downturn and the lack of good-paying jobs.

    I have to admit, I didn't think of this, because I am old. My question would be.... and this is not directed at your husband.... Is this generation of men less self-reliant than previous generations? Is living at home longer making men less personally responsible, or does it make no difference?

    I think it depends on where one lives ultimately. Like, in NY, you're paying 1000 or more a month for the equivalent of a closet. Also, it's just a crappy economy and the job market is crappy too. Plus, a lot of people are struggling to pay off their student loans for their now useless college education. It's just a bad time to be young I guess.....
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    This focus on not moving out is IMO misguided. It is much smarter to stay at home and pool resources as a family. I absolutely encourage my own kids to stick around as long as they like - it allows for wonderful inter-generational transfer of experience and knowledge, and it provides a built in "village" to help with domestic and child raising work.

    Moving out for the sake of moving out is, effectively, a waste of half of the young person's earnings.
  • maggie16sweetxoxo
    maggie16sweetxoxo Posts: 314 Member
    Umm are you happy in this relationship? Are you ready to live like this for the rest of your life? Because you can change the situation, but the problem will always be there... I don't know; you just seem like you deserve so much better, and I actually mean that. Buy your own groceries and eat your own food. Screw everyone else's feelings, you deserve to be healthy. Simply day you are on a diet and really must eat healthier. If you had diabetes you would have to eat healthier anyway. Why wait for it to come to that? You're a grown women who can eat how she chooses to. Good luck.
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
    This focus on not moving out is IMO misguided. It is much smarter to stay at home and pool resources as a family. I absolutely encourage my own kids to stick around as long as they like - it allows for wonderful inter-generational transfer of experience and knowledge, and it provides a built in "village" to help with domestic and child raising work.

    Moving out for the sake of moving out is, effectively, a waste of half of the young person's earnings.

    Absolutely! Agree for I'd exited at 16 for abroad, before that private boarding school, so at having read your contribution I know that for some who'd chosen (circumstantially) to go about independence as I'd done, your option would've provided for the earlier years' starts of independence avenues to have been a whole lot less frightening.

    ETA: OP LoisLane, for both your sakes (you and your man) I sure hope that at the end of all that you've processed for yourself (first), then for the 2 of you, that you'll choose selfishly for your self-preservation and happiness, and that you'll stick to your truth of what sits comfortably with you, to rid your life of cortisol-inducing stresses, within this juncture of life's learning-curve. Mothers-in-Law are sacred (in this case your boyfriend's Mum); Loving one's man magnetises extreme measures of challenges (in your case it's a dietary issue whilst you're orienteering yourself); The onus is on you to defuse the situation, for you, your Heart (your man) and his family.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member

    First off, those of you judging the boyfriend for still living at home, obviously have never been in a situation where you couldn't afford to live on your own. A LOT of young people still live at home because of the economic downturn and the lack of good-paying jobs.

    I have to admit, I didn't think of this, because I am old. My question would be.... and this is not directed at your husband.... Is this generation of men less self-reliant than previous generations? Is living at home longer making men less personally responsible, or does it make no difference?

    I think it depends on where one lives ultimately. Like, in NY, you're paying 1000 or more a month for the equivalent of a closet. Also, it's just a crappy economy and the job market is crappy too. Plus, a lot of people are struggling to pay off their student loans for their now useless college education. It's just a bad time to be young I guess.....

    Appreciate how direct and honest your response is Ladymiseryali. :flowerforyou: There is no sugar coating the economical situation some find themselves in, out of circumstance, not choice. Couldn't agree more ~ young adults are graduating with debt ~ more debt than their parents generations. A friend whose 56 attended UC Santa Barbara@18 and only paid around $500 per semester as he and his father recalled. The young need to be realists ~ I agree. If living with the parents for a while longer will help them cover their College Bills + car payments ~ Why not?
    This focus on not moving out is IMO misguided. It is much smarter to stay at home and pool resources as a family. I absolutely encourage my own kids to stick around as long as they like - it allows for wonderful inter-generational transfer of experience and knowledge, and it provides a built in "village" to help with domestic and child raising work.

    Moving out for the sake of moving out is, effectively, a waste of half of the young person's earnings.

    I couldn't agree more damir. :smile: It is futile for those who have the option to live at home ~ save & invest their earning VS watching their earnings drain paying rent or living paycheck to paycheck and struggling to put food on the table.

    Granted, there will have to be sacrifices ~ privacy, independence, power struggle and what have you ... Ultimately, to stay on or leave is her prerogative. :smile:

    ETA: adjust quote setting
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    Granted, their will have to be sacrifices ~ privacy, independence, power struggle and what have you ... Ultimately, to stay on or leave is her prerogative. :smile:

    I choose to look at that from the positive side - the issues with "privacy, independence, power struggle and what have you" are exactly the issues a young adult needs to learn how to handle before heading into their own long term relationships. Running out to do their own thing in their own pad at the earliest possible moment means they don't get that practice dealing with those issues in a supportive environment, and their early partners end up being the guinea pigs (and, usually, vice versa as well).

    Learning how to "sacrifice" is 100% necessary to make any relationship work.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member

    First off, those of you judging the boyfriend for still living at home, obviously have never been in a situation where you couldn't afford to live on your own. A LOT of young people still live at home because of the economic downturn and the lack of good-paying jobs.

    I have to admit, I didn't think of this, because I am old. My question would be.... and this is not directed at your husband.... Is this generation of men less self-reliant than previous generations? Is living at home longer making men less personally responsible, or does it make no difference?

    There was a brief period of time when it was affordable for people to strike out on their own, and that period of time is over for much of the middle class. A guy in his 20s who saves his money for a house by working and living with his parents IS the new definition of being realistic, responsible, and taking control of his future.

    Families are often not easy to get along with. There's nothing strange about having trouble getting along with your partner's mom or dad, or your own mom or dad. My only advice is to be a team, and work with your partner, not at odds with your partner.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    Granted, there will have to be sacrifices ~ privacy, independence, power struggle and what have you ... Ultimately, to stay on or leave is her prerogative. :smile:

    I choose to look at that from the positive side - the issues with "privacy, independence, power struggle and what have you" are exactly the issues a young person needs to learn how to handle before heading into their own long term relationships. Running out to do their own thing in their own pad at the earliest possible moment means they don't get that practice dealing with those issues in a supportive environment, and their early partners end up being the guinea pigs (and, usually, vice versa as well).

    Learning how to "sacrifice" is 100% necessary to make any relationship work.

    Agree. :flowerforyou:
    There was a brief period of time when it was affordable for people to strike out on their own, and that period of time is over for much of the middle class. A guy in his 20s who saves his money for a house by working and living with his parents IS the new definition of being realistic, responsible, and taking control of his future.

    Families are often not easy to get along with. There's nothing strange about having trouble getting along with your partner's mom or dad, or your own mom or dad. My only advice is to be a team, and work with your partner, not at odds with your partner.

    Thank you for stating it as you've done lithezebra. :flowerforyou:
  • FixIngMe13
    FixIngMe13 Posts: 405 Member
    Well... if you can't buy your own food and prepare it because she will get offended, I really just don't see how you are going to help yourself? Am I wrong on this? You need to eat better foods. Yes, pasta is fine, but every single day of the week? No... that really ISN'T fine if you are watching your calories. Not to mention your carbs.

    I guess my advice to you... is to wait until you move out with him and then start your weight loss journey. Unless you could sit down and talk to your boyfriends mother and explain to her that you'd like to have some healthier food and could she allow you please to put them in the fridge? Tell her to not be offended, because she is a wonderful cook! You could also get a small fridge to put in your bedroom and keep stuff in there... that wouldn't be in her way and there would be no issues right?

    Just some ideas, and I do wish you the best. :flowerforyou:

    As for your boyfriend not understanding and saying you need willpower. I never had that problem... because if I ever had a boyfriend that didn't understand me, he was gone. ::Shrugs:: I deserve better.

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