Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

tell her you're sorry for the argument earlier and then offer to help her fix the meals... and you can do the veggies/side dishes. That way you know what half of the meals are going to cost in the way of calories and you can moderate how much of the main course you eat without leaving the table hungry or offending her further. Maybe after you've been cooking side by side for a while, she will understand what you are trying to do with cutting back.

Is she overweight herself? If so, she might find you "interfering" in the meal preparation as an insult and not welcome it... she might think you are criticizing not just how she cooks but how she looks so think about what you are going to say and how you are going to approach it before jumping in. Good luck...

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

All I heard was " I DIDN'T WANT TO EAT WHAT SHE MAKES" and " IT TAKES A LOT OF TIME TO ENTER IN"..
I can see your point, you may have gone about it the wrong way.... plus she is a stay at home wife with 3 kids...extra stress for her also...then hubby says that...hummmm
You two need to talk or start making YOUR OWN MEALS... oh and maybe YOU could offer to cook for the whole family...Better yet, why don't you just start taking over the cooking for the family...

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.

When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.

unless she starts deep-frying Mars-bars you should be able to eat anything she cooks; just check out the ingredients & weigh yourself out a portion that fits your daily intake.

in my own case when I started this I started buying & cooking my own food; we have 2 growing teenage boys & wife didn't want to change their diet, she's pretty clean anyway so when she made pizza or something I'd just make something else;
these days we all eat more of the same thing; lots of pulses instead of potatoes; wholegrain deice, wholewheat pasta; lots of chicken

& btw, it's ok to argue, passion is good in a r/ship' "If you can't fight you can't *kitten*"

What on earth? Is she your mother? She TOLD YOU you HAVE to eat what she cooks? LOL


Make your own food, let her see the awesome progress you make in your personal goal. It will probably inspire her to change her own habits (hopefully for her and your children's sake).

Eta: I'm not sure of your wife's weight or habits but I'd wager that you changing and improving yourself probably also makes her self conscious or question her own habits.

Put the recipe in. Eat an amount that fits your macros. Keep the peace.


Butter is not bad. Half & half is not bad. It's not a pain to enter a simple recipe such as pancakes. I entered my husband's recipe and called it monster pancakes. They're delicious and everyone is happy. I get the frustration, but seriously, she is cooking for you and that's awesome.

ETA: Or yes, deny yourself her delicious homecooked meals and make boring easy to track ones. It was a big deal to my man, so I entered the recipe. Family meals are important to some. There can be compromise here.

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

I would personally be offended if my bf talked to me like that. I take a lot of time and effort into to trying to balance healthy meals with tasty ones everyone in the house will enjoy. She is a full-time care-giver, so you basically told her she isn't doing a good enough job and want to "fire her" as the cook. Also, you have to realize it not only means a change in food cooked, it means a change in grocery shopping and it means she has to keep track of every single thing she puts in a recipe. If she is anything like most of us, a little dash of something here, a little there, a few extra potatoes here or a few extra carrots--basically whatever you have handy at the time. It is a HUGE lifestyle change FOR HER, too!!!! One that you did not get her input on and are now criticizing her for. You have control over what you put into your mouth, no matter what she cooks.

You complained about having to log all the ingredients into a recipe because it takes a lot of time??? Are you serious???? What do you think the rest of us do who don't have our meals cooked for us?????? It sounds like you do not appreciate all the effort she puts into making meals AT ALL.

I would suggest having a heart-to-heart with yourself first. This is your journey, but what you do effects everyone around you. You need to do what will get you t a healthier you, but you need to think of what that will do to others in your household and see if you can spare them as much upheaval as possible.

After that, talk to her. Perhaps you should take on ALL of the role...which means grocery list, shopping, and preparing the meals for your entire family. When I told my bf that if he wanted me to cook exactly what he wanted, he can take on all the responsibility himself. Amazing how quickly he turned his attitude around when he realized just how much work is actually involved with cooking meals for not only himself, but an entire family.

good luck to you!

portion control and deal with having to enter the ingredients of a recipe. That's a hell of a lot easier than actually preparing food.

I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.

I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.

Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.

When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.

Hmmm, I have to respectfully disagree. Cooking has never been a pain in the *kitten* for me and I always find it rewarding. I get to eat yummy food! A lot tastier than the store or Micky D's.

OP, I don't think you owe her an apology. Who told you that it was part of marriage that you MUST eat what your wife cooks and she's the only one that can cook? I've been married for almost 3 years and both my husband and I cook. Because of my new eating lifestyle, my husband doesn't always want to eat what I cook so I make sure he has something to eat, but he makes it himself. However, when he cooks, it's usually healthy so I don't have to worry. Plus, he loves me losing weight so it's not hard for him to be supportive.

Have you tried suggesting healthy alternatives? Usually if you substitute one or two ingredients, it can make a world of difference. If she refuses, then you're going to have to cook for yourself. I agree with Rainbowbow that your eating habits are probably making your wife self-conscious.

First and foremost, she's actively undermining your efforts to eat healthy. I don't know you or your wife, so I can't say why. Having been married for 33 years myself, however, I will say this: your relationship has become toxic. You really should seek out counselling ASAP. It just ain't normal to resist or subvert the efforts of someone you claim to love to lead a healthier lifestyle................

I am with a lot of people on here. I don't think she's trying to sabotage you in anyway, but I don't think what you're requesting is wrong, either. As a woman, but also as the non-cooker in my relationship, I sort of see both sides. My girlfriend would be highly upset if I told her this exact thing you're saying in the wrong words. Almost everything is about wording, and I think if you can somehow explain to her that you appreciate all the hard work she puts into it and are sorry if you hurt her feelings with your request, she will feel better, so long as you are sincere. But then explain your side; you're proud of your progress and do not want to fall back. Maybe then you two can talk about using some healthier choice options, and even offer to shop with her to find them. And also let her know that if you do ever make your own meals, it is not to spite her, you just needed something maybe she doesn't want to eat. And hell, if you do ever cook for yourself, offer her some! All she needs to really understand is that you do really appreciate her and her efforts and why you're actually doing this. Be calm and even if you feel you're not in the wrong, apologize for upsetting her, because regardless of right and wrong, her feelings were clearly hurt.

Lastly, don't forget to treat yourself to those amazingly delicious sounding pancakes every now and then! It won't hurt you and you'll both be happy. All about moderation, right? =]

Good luck! I hope you keep us posted!

She probably doesn't know how to reduce the calorie content of the meal and is probably embarrassed about it and does not know how to tell you. If your household has been eating like this for 7 or more years then it is obvious that she does not see anything wrong with it. Just help her out along the way and show her some of your entries and how fast the calories add up. Also try making a date night of it and cook 1 meal a week together and eventually she will pick up on how it's done. Not too many women want to be told how to "put down" in her own kitchen but if you turn it into a FUN date then it's a WIN WIN!!! Hope this helps:flowerforyou:

If she often makes the same recipes (most people do), perhaps you could ask her to just once weight/measure the ingredients and write them down. Then you could enter it in to the Meals feature here and it would available to you the next time she makes it. There may be some straying from the recipe from time-to-time, but probably would be "close enough".

I can certainly appreciate both sides of this issue. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Cook for yourself! My husband and I both work outside of the home and we switch off cooking duties.

That said, I've been on this diet/lifestyle change since January and couldn't stick with it were it not for my husband's support. He can eat much more than I can, but he's adapted to cooking for the way I need to eat on his nights and when I cook, I always make something extra that he can have but isn't good for me. It's a partnership and I'd be upset if my partner weren't willing to help out a little.

Okay. Is she the only cook in the house. I will say this I am and I can completely see where she's coming from. First of all she cooks to show you affection so for you to say you didn't like it or it wasn't healthy enough so you probably wouldn't have ate it if you had known would be saying her affection wasn't good enough. Weird huh. Us women never claimed to be logical. We are very emotional creatures now if it had been me and my hubby said that to me I would have been in the bedroom balling and feeling unappreciative. I have a thing called the husband approval. When rob goes back for seconds I know I did good. I'm not the only person who has that. Healthy no but rewarding yes because I spent the time to cook and he showed his appreciation for it by going back for seconds. Never said we weren't weird either. My suggestion is to apologize and let her know they were very delicious but did not fit your lifestyle. Help her in the kitchen. If my hubby would come help me cook at night the whole world would come to a screeching halt as I loved on him. It's an emotional connection thing. I have learned to use the recipe part of the diary. If there is a recipe we like I log it in so that I can still only have to make that kind of entry once. Any other time we fix it it is already loaded. The main thing is see if you can help her cook. Avid cookers don't always have what they need to make that item on hand so we substitute in order to continue instead of having to go to the store early in the morning. Is it a possibility that maybe y'all were out of milk and oil and so she substituted for those because there just happened to be half and half in the fridge? Just curious. Is it a part of married life.....no in the fact that you don't have to eat what your spouse fixes. On an emotional level yes because she is looking for that connection that says what she made in love you enjoyed.

I LOVED this! I am a stay-at-home-mom and I could not have said it better! Cooking is a form of affection and if my kids or bf do not like what I cooked, it is a blow to me emotionally and if they loved what I cooked, then I feel proud of myself and that I accomplished something. It is my pat-on-the-back!