Damned if I do, Damned if I don't
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Okay. Is she the only cook in the house. I will say this I am and I can completely see where she's coming from. First of all she cooks to show you affection so for you to say you didn't like it or it wasn't healthy enough so you probably wouldn't have ate it if you had known would be saying her affection wasn't good enough. Weird huh. Us women never claimed to be logical. We are very emotional creatures now if it had been me and my hubby said that to me I would have been in the bedroom balling and feeling unappreciative. I have a thing called the husband approval. When rob goes back for seconds I know I did good. I'm not the only person who has that. Healthy no but rewarding yes because I spent the time to cook and he showed his appreciation for it by going back for seconds. Never said we weren't weird either. My suggestion is to apologize and let her know they were very delicious but did not fit your lifestyle. Help her in the kitchen. If my hubby would come help me cook at night the whole world would come to a screeching halt as I loved on him. It's an emotional connection thing. I have learned to use the recipe part of the diary. If there is a recipe we like I log it in so that I can still only have to make that kind of entry once. Any other time we fix it it is already loaded. The main thing is see if you can help her cook. Avid cookers don't always have what they need to make that item on hand so we substitute in order to continue instead of having to go to the store early in the morning. Is it a possibility that maybe y'all were out of milk and oil and so she substituted for those because there just happened to be half and half in the fridge? Just curious. Is it a part of married life.....no in the fact that you don't have to eat what your spouse fixes. On an emotional level yes because she is looking for that connection that says what she made in love you enjoyed.0
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I am with a lot of people on here. I don't think she's trying to sabotage you in anyway, but I don't think what you're requesting is wrong, either. As a woman, but also as the non-cooker in my relationship, I sort of see both sides. My girlfriend would be highly upset if I told her this exact thing you're saying in the wrong words. Almost everything is about wording, and I think if you can somehow explain to her that you appreciate all the hard work she puts into it and are sorry if you hurt her feelings with your request, she will feel better, so long as you are sincere. But then explain your side; you're proud of your progress and do not want to fall back. Maybe then you two can talk about using some healthier choice options, and even offer to shop with her to find them. And also let her know that if you do ever make your own meals, it is not to spite her, you just needed something maybe she doesn't want to eat. And hell, if you do ever cook for yourself, offer her some! All she needs to really understand is that you do really appreciate her and her efforts and why you're actually doing this. Be calm and even if you feel you're not in the wrong, apologize for upsetting her, because regardless of right and wrong, her feelings were clearly hurt.
Lastly, don't forget to treat yourself to those amazingly delicious sounding pancakes every now and then! It won't hurt you and you'll both be happy. All about moderation, right? =]
Good luck! I hope you keep us posted!0 -
First and foremost, she's actively undermining your efforts to eat healthy. I don't know you or your wife, so I can't say why. Having been married for 33 years myself, however, I will say this: your relationship has become toxic. You really should seek out counselling ASAP. It just ain't normal to resist or subvert the efforts of someone you claim to love to lead a healthier lifestyle................
Ummm you don't know them. I don't believe its toxic. I believe it's a communication error.0 -
She probably doesn't know how to reduce the calorie content of the meal and is probably embarrassed about it and does not know how to tell you. If your household has been eating like this for 7 or more years then it is obvious that she does not see anything wrong with it. Just help her out along the way and show her some of your entries and how fast the calories add up. Also try making a date night of it and cook 1 meal a week together and eventually she will pick up on how it's done. Not too many women want to be told how to "put down" in her own kitchen but if you turn it into a FUN date then it's a WIN WIN!!! Hope this helps:flowerforyou:0
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OP, without rehashing what everyone before me has said, here's my two cents:
Your wife is likely hurt and upset by your not wanting to eat her food; she's hurt because she puts time and effort into making delicious food for you to enjoy, and is feeling like her efforts are ignored and unappreciated. My husband isn't trying to lose weight, but every so often, I'll tell him what I'm planning for dinner, and I get a less than enthusiastic reaction. Occasionally, when he's under stress from the lab, I get a more critical response. It hurts and pisses me off, because as a SAHM, I *pride* myself on creating delicious, from-scratch meals to please my family and work with my budget and skills. To have that not be appreciated sucks.
I'm not saying she's right, I'm just telling you how she probably feels. Since I don't know her, I can't really tell you how to address the situation, but I think knowing why she reacts the way she does is the first step in getting to a resolution that works for you both.
Good Luck!0 -
If she often makes the same recipes (most people do), perhaps you could ask her to just once weight/measure the ingredients and write them down. Then you could enter it in to the Meals feature here and it would available to you the next time she makes it. There may be some straying from the recipe from time-to-time, but probably would be "close enough".
I can certainly appreciate both sides of this issue. Good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
As a wife, I understand her being upset for about 3 seconds...then she needs to get over it. I would do a happy dance if my husband decided he needed more control over his diet and followed through with it.0
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Cook for yourself! My husband and I both work outside of the home and we switch off cooking duties.
That said, I've been on this diet/lifestyle change since January and couldn't stick with it were it not for my husband's support. He can eat much more than I can, but he's adapted to cooking for the way I need to eat on his nights and when I cook, I always make something extra that he can have but isn't good for me. It's a partnership and I'd be upset if my partner weren't willing to help out a little.0 -
I am with a lot of people on here. I don't think she's trying to sabotage you in anyway, but I don't think what you're requesting is wrong, either. As a woman, but also as the non-cooker in my relationship, I sort of see both sides. My girlfriend would be highly upset if I told her this exact thing you're saying in the wrong words. Almost everything is about wording, and I think if you can somehow explain to her that you appreciate all the hard work she puts into it and are sorry if you hurt her feelings with your request, she will feel better, so long as you are sincere. But then explain your side; you're proud of your progress and do not want to fall back. Maybe then you two can talk about using some healthier choice options, and even offer to shop with her to find them. And also let her know that if you do ever make your own meals, it is not to spite her, you just needed something maybe she doesn't want to eat. And hell, if you do ever cook for yourself, offer her some! All she needs to really understand is that you do really appreciate her and her efforts and why you're actually doing this. Be calm and even if you feel you're not in the wrong, apologize for upsetting her, because regardless of right and wrong, her feelings were clearly hurt.
Good luck! I hope you keep us posted!
Awesome!0 -
Okay. Is she the only cook in the house. I will say this I am and I can completely see where she's coming from. First of all she cooks to show you affection so for you to say you didn't like it or it wasn't healthy enough so you probably wouldn't have ate it if you had known would be saying her affection wasn't good enough. Weird huh. Us women never claimed to be logical. We are very emotional creatures now if it had been me and my hubby said that to me I would have been in the bedroom balling and feeling unappreciative. I have a thing called the husband approval. When rob goes back for seconds I know I did good. I'm not the only person who has that. Healthy no but rewarding yes because I spent the time to cook and he showed his appreciation for it by going back for seconds. Never said we weren't weird either. My suggestion is to apologize and let her know they were very delicious but did not fit your lifestyle. Help her in the kitchen. If my hubby would come help me cook at night the whole world would come to a screeching halt as I loved on him. It's an emotional connection thing. I have learned to use the recipe part of the diary. If there is a recipe we like I log it in so that I can still only have to make that kind of entry once. Any other time we fix it it is already loaded. The main thing is see if you can help her cook. Avid cookers don't always have what they need to make that item on hand so we substitute in order to continue instead of having to go to the store early in the morning. Is it a possibility that maybe y'all were out of milk and oil and so she substituted for those because there just happened to be half and half in the fridge? Just curious. Is it a part of married life.....no in the fact that you don't have to eat what your spouse fixes. On an emotional level yes because she is looking for that connection that says what she made in love you enjoyed.
I LOVED this! I am a stay-at-home-mom and I could not have said it better! Cooking is a form of affection and if my kids or bf do not like what I cooked, it is a blow to me emotionally and if they loved what I cooked, then I feel proud of myself and that I accomplished something. It is my pat-on-the-back!0 -
Your wife and family should support your decisions to lose weight and be healthy. My husband knows how I feel about losing weight and whole heartedly supports me. We eat the meals I cook no matter what I cook and if one doesnt like something then they simply dont eat it. I do portion out my own meals and let him decide how much he wants. I may be reletively new to marriage myself but it baffles me how someone can't be more supportive of such an important lifestyle change. She just seems like being unreasonable to me. But it all does play into your own family dymatics. This is just my family and my own beliefs. You may just have to cook your own meals and have her do maybe basic prep for you.0
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She's not your mom. You don't have to eat anything you don't want to. I wouldn't complain about the food though. Either eat it or make something else. Don't even discuss it. How about instead of "You're sabotaging me!" you go with, "Great! I'll have some eggs and I think I'll make myself some toast instead of the pancakes."
What if you just don't feel like eating a particular food that day? You still have to eat it? Does she tell you how many bites you have to take before you can leave the table, too?0 -
I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.
I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.
Okay, first of all, cooking is a major pain in the *kitten*, isn't very rewarding, and when people refuse to eat it for some reason, there can be major hurt feelings. (Source: I live with three picky eaters.) When you're a stay at home mommy, you don't get the same rewards that other people do for going to out of the house jobs, and you live with TOTALLY unreasonable people who throw fits at the drop of a hat. Now, that all said, of course you don't have to eat what she cooks. It's NOT part of "being married". "Being married" is as individual as every couple who attempt it. The most important thing in this situation is honest communication from both sides. Personally though, WHO THE EFFIN' HELL MAKES PANCAKES WITH HALF N HALF????? That seems like deliberate sabotage to me. The butter vrs. oil thing is calorically neutral, but half n half?? I've never even heard of that.
When it comes down to it, whatever you guys work out that you can both live with and feel good about is what works. Currently my husband makes some of the meals for he and the boys, and I make some of them for all of us. I generally eat something different than them because I'm at a point in my diet when I'm trying to maximise my lean muscle retention and my macros are pretty nitpicky right now. Plus I'm on a grilled salmon kick. I could get my knickers all in a twist because "nobody likes the healthy food I make" but it's easier to just do my own thing and take any frustration out on my bike or the trail.
This. Well said. I too "heard" some passive-aggressiveness in that she told you about the half and half AFTER you had eaten them. If she were supportive, she would have let you know beforehand.0 -
Your diary looks good, I went back a month and then picked some random days after that. Majority of the meals have a max of 4 items posted. Do you use your phone to log? The bar code scanner is a great tool.
But I agree with most, sit down and have a chat with the wife.0 -
It's a lot of work to plan, shop, prepare, and clean up after daily cooking. If your wife does all or most of the cooking you are better off for it. At least you don't have to eat out or eat processed foods.
In the long run you will have better success keeping your weight off if your work this out with your wife.
It's a complete pain in the but to enter recipes but you can do it. In all likelihood she prepares the same handful of meals over and over again so after a three or four weeks you will have the bulk of meals entered. It is tedious, but do it and get it over with. It is also super tedious to be questioned daily about what you cooked and how you did it. Sympathize with your wife for this up front and offer some help ---maybe do the dishes! Changing habits is hard and it sounds like this isn't a big priority for her right now. Starting small may be the way to go. Don't sweat this small stuff.
There are some very reasonable things you and your wife could do to make things easier:
Ask her to be consistent with the recipes
Plate your own food
Enter the recipes into MFP
Find out the menu for the week or day in advance
Shop for and prepare some of your own snacks and meals
<add your own her>0 -
cook your own meals. marriage means respect both ways. she needs to respect your decisions.0
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I have been married for 7 years and am the father of 3 sons. I work and my wife is a full time mommy. Recently I told my wife that I didn't want to eat what she makes for dinner because it takes a lot of time to enter it all in as a recipe and she doesn't always cook "healthy". She didn't like this. She said I have to eat what she makes. Also a few other women-friends on mfp said the same. They said it was basically part of being married. So this morning my wife says she is going to make pancakes. I figured that 2 pancakes and some eggs probably won't break the calorie bank so I didn't say anything and enjoyed the food. After finishing she told me that she made the pancakes with half-and-half instead of milk, and butter instead of oil. It didn't really upset me but I told her that was frustrating because I don't think I would have eaten them if she would have told me before. An argument erupted with me telling her that I don't think she supports my weight loss goals and her telling me that I don't appreciate the effort she puts in to cooking.
I'd love to know what people think about our situation. Are we both in the wrong? And is it wrong for me to make my own food? I think the best solution is for me to make my own food, not because I don't like what she makes, but because that gives me the most control over my diet. Thanks for your thoughts.
here are my thoughts....(first, let me say that I didn't read other responses) :blushing:
If I were you, I might find a way to make it work for the sake of marriage considering it's about compromise.
You could've had pancakes & fresh fruit, you could've added additional exercise to increase your caloric budget or went for a walk after breakfast.
Roll with it a bit and try to be resilient. I understand deal breakers when they happen, but I don't think this is one.
You two can work it out :drinker:
edited for typos0 -
Your wife has a right to feel unappreciated and undervalued if you flat-out won't eat the things she makes; we all have the right to feel the way we feel, but that doesn't make it sane and logical. To me, when someone makes something and then tells me, after the fact, after I've eaten it, that it has more calories/items I cannot eat in it, that is super passive-aggressive, and juvenile. If she is overweight, she may feel insecure at the prospect of your slimming down while she does not. This is a fairly common reaction when one spouse diets and the other does not or will not change.
I am a stay at home mom; I cook all the meals for my family and because of that I am in control of what goes into the meals I eat. I cook a meal for us that I can have, and my husband and kid adjust within what's prepared to make something that fits their needs as well. If my husband came to me as you have and said, flat-out, I can't eat the food you make, I'm going to make my own, I could see how she would feel affronted. I would. Or if I worked hard to put a healthy meal together, and he came home and ate a big nasty cheeseburger, that would be obnoxious. But like I said, that doesn't give her the right to smugly feed you things over your calorie limit or dictate what does or does not go into your body.
However, if you tried approaching her with a rephrasing the request—Honey, I appreciate all the work you do to feed our family. My health is important to me, and I want to be around longer to enjoy our kids and our life together, and for my health I need to eat more of X or less of X, can we brainstorm some meals and how can I help with the prep/cooking?—That's more than reasonable. And there are ways you can work together and make it easier for her. A weekend of prep-cooking meals can yield a week or two worth of healthy meals that she doesn't have to spend so much time on every evening. Casseroles, layered dishes, large batches of soup, meatballs and sauces, etc. That way you can be more involved in your health, support her with the cooking, and just be encouraging and make it about helping each other rather than antagonizing each other. If she resists after that—after you've followed through with this, then that to me is indicative of a larger problem, one that's not really about the food.0 -
Your wife and family should support your decisions to lose weight and be healthy. My husband knows how I feel about losing weight and whole heartedly supports me. We eat the meals I cook no matter what I cook and if one doesnt like something then they simply dont eat it. I do portion out my own meals and let him decide how much he wants. I may be reletively new to marriage myself but it baffles me how someone can't be more supportive of such an important lifestyle change. She just seems like being unreasonable to me. But it all does play into your own family dymatics. This is just my family and my own beliefs. You may just have to cook your own meals and have her do maybe basic prep for you.
There will come a time when you will understand. In newlywed phase first year support is always there. As you get out of that phase you learn that you don't always have that support. After all you are two different people. My husband supports me eating healthy but will not go to the gym with me. He supports but does not participate. You can not force your spouse to eat what you want to eat all the time. I tell him what he's eating so he can decide if he wants to participate. I have him taste it then I tell him what it is and he tells wether he likes it or not. My support for him is making sure I fix what he will eat in the guidelines that I have. For example I can't eat bread so last night I mad hamburgers. Told him he can add bread if he wanted to. My point is it's your lifestyle change not your spouses. You can't force your spouse to make a change even if you know it's better for him. I only succeeded once and that was smoking because the cigarette smoke made me sick and I told him if he ever wanted to kiss me again then he would have to stop. And he did. Yes you do have support in a relationship but possibly not what you are thinking support is. Support can be something as little as fixing a meal that you can modify that he will like also.0 -
I think a lot of relationships are more mother/son than husband/ wife. My husband will ask me if he can go somewhere and my response is " Why are you asking me? I'm not your mother." However, I think it's mostly he doesn't want to plan over our plans he would probably forget about. Anyways, I think she's being really unfair about what you're trying to do to better yourself.
Pro tips: You don't start off with " I don't want to eat your dinner" as a conversation starter for trying to have a better lifestyle. You have to word it differently so she doesn't get upset.
Better way : You acknowledge what she does, tell her you appreciate it and how you don't want to add more things for her to do. How you want to live long for your kids, be active with your kids and really want this for yourself.
If you MUST eat her dinner just do the things I listed below and I bet her dinner calories won't be such a big deal.
-Eat healthy breakfast
-Eat healthy lunch
- Don't drink calories
- Go to the gym0
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