Beating The Odds...One Squat At A Time!

***I posted this on the "Motivation & Support" board because...well...I wanted it to motivate people who may be going through a tough situation. Well, after two comments and then about TEN private messages, I thought I would go ahead and post it here. I don't really see myself as a "success" story at the moment...but I guess, in a way, I have had quite a few successes. Also...this gives me the opportunity to add a VERY important disclaimer that I was too late to add to the first one. Here is that disclaimer: Please, please, please...don't think that I am trying to say that you should ignore or "push through" serious issues/pain without clearing it through your doctor first. I have a VERY unique situation! I have had this disease for nine years...pain is a permanent part of my life. If you are experiencing pain, your body may need REST more than anything else. The last thing I would want you to do is hurt yourself! I obviously don't know what each person's individual situation is...and I have no idea if it is appropriate for you to workout like I do. If you have ANY kind of weird pain, or any kind of disease/disorder/physical disability.......PLEASE DO NOT GO LIFT WEIGHTS OR WORKOUT EXCESSIVELY UNLESS YOU'VE CLEARED IT WITH YOUR DOCTOR!!!

Ok...disclaimer over!! Just wanted to make that clear as several people have read this and wanted to run out and squat a bunch of weight despite being in a lot of pain. That is NOT my goal in posting this!! Also...this is a very long read, so feel free to skip it if you don't want your eyeballs to get tired. Ha!***


First, let me just say this right off the bat. I am SCARED. TO. DEATH. to post this on a public forum. Seriously, I'm scared. I'm thinking of posting it, and then just never looking at it again because I'm afraid you'll all throw dodgeballs at me. (Spongebob reference!)

Anyway...the reason I'm posting this despite having shaking hands (quite literally...thankfully, autocorrect is on my side at the moment!)...is because I was encouraged by several friends to share my "story" with some folks who might be going through a tough time physically, emotionally, whatever the case may be. If I can help ONE person, it will be worth it. (At least, that's what I keep repeating in my head because I kinda want to throw up now.) So...onward. My story is a long one...so either settle in, or just scream, "TL;DR!!!!!!" and have a happy day!

Well, I guess I'll begin with the basics. My name is Mary Beth. (You can call me "MB"...everyone else does. "Mare" or "MareBear" or even "Hey You!" works, too!) I am currently 33 years old. I am 5'3" tall. At my heaviest, I weighed 255 pounds, at around age 25.

I have an extremely rare bone disease called Avascular Necrosis (AVN). My bones are literally dying, petrifying...LITERALLY...every second of every day. I am in pain 24/7. Bad...bad...BAD pain. I do not like to complain. Ever. I don't believe in excuses. So...I still go to the gym...I still squat a bunch of weight on my shoulders after taking MORPHINE in order to do so. Yeah...you read that right. Morphine! I have to take it just to get out of BED in the mornings.

Seriously...here's my day: Wake up around 8am. Immediately take pain meds. Sit in bed until about 9am until meds "kick in". Walk to the living room. Let my dog out. Pet dog. Walk to kitchen. Make protein shake because I cannot fathom stomaching any sort of food. Sit on back porch for about two hours...reading, praying, thanking God that He gave me one more day of being alive. Go back inside. Try to muster up some energy to dance around a bit, lift some dumbbells, OR do some chores. Yes...I have to pick between exercise or my house being clean. Most of the time...neither gets done. On a "good day"...I go to the gym for an hour and bust my *kitten*...almost quite literally...to get stronger, to get some weight off these dying joints. At some point, I remember that I need to eat. No...I do not get hungry...I REMEMBER THAT I NEED TO EAT. So...I go for quick and easy and the only thing I can manage to choke down that won't blow my calories for the day...a Quest bar or a small chicken and cheese wrap. My afternoons consist of five minute spurts of doing things. Unload half the dishwasher...sit down again. Thirty minutes later...unload other half of dishwasher...sit down again. An hour later...throw clothes in the washing machine. Two hours later...throw clothes in the drier where they will sit until the next day, when I can "fluff" them in the drier and take forever folding and hanging them up. At some point, I eat dinner. 99% of the time...I am in bed again by 8pm...asleep by 10pm. So...I am out of bed for a total of around 11 hours a day.

A lot of people have said things like, "You're so LUCKY that you don't ever feel hungry!" or the ever-famous, "How in the world did you get all the way up to 255 pounds when you barely eat anything?!" I'll tell you how. This past October 12th marked NINE YEARS since I was diagnosed with this disease. I am 33 years old as of October 23rd...so, I was diagnosed right before I turned 24. For the better part of 2003, (the year before I was diagnosed for those who don't want to do the math), I was pumped full of steroids. I had a chronic upper respiratory infection with an acute asthma attack that left me in the hospital, hooked up to an IV pumping me full of steroids...and lots of them. Some people get pumped full of steroids and never get this disease. Lucky me...I was one of the few who DID get it. For those of you who know nothing about steroids...they make you gain weight. A lot of it. Once the initial "steroid pounds" were packed on...I hated everything about myself, and I chose to eat super high calorie foods, though not much of it, and drink regular sodas non-stop all day, every day. And exercise? Puh-LEEZE! I didn't DARE exercise because I was always in "too much pain" to do anything "extra".

Finally, after four years of searching for a doctor who had ANY kind of experience with this disease, I found a fantastic orthopedic surgeon who did my first hip replacement on October 25th, 2007, two days after I turned 27. Now, I still need my right hip, both knees and both shoulders replaced. On top of that, my mother...my very best friend...was battling Stage Four breast cancer. The man I had spent eleven years with kept telling me that he couldn't "handle" me or my disease, and that he didn't want to marry someone that looked like a sea cow that never took care of herself. (Yes, he literally said that.) In 2010, the day before she was going to turn 50 years old...my mother died. Six months after that, my fiancé kicked me out of the home I had known for over a decade so he could move his girlfriend in two days later. When I tell you that my self esteem and self worth were at the bottom of a very dark pit...that's putting it mildly. I didn't care what I ate...I didn't care what I looked like. I didn't care about ANYTHING. Luckily, a few months before the ex kicked me out...I had started going back to my old church that I hadn't been to in over a year. One day, I walked out in the middle of the worship time because they played a song that was one of my mother's favorites. Since they couldn't stop the service, someone gave the sound guy my cell phone number so he could check on me.

That sound guy is now my husband, almost three years later.

***Side note: Turns out...and I didn't find this out until MONTHS after I had started dating my husband...the "new girlfriend" that my ex had moved into my house two days after kicking me out...was my husband's COUSIN. Yeah. Really. We ended up marrying our perspective significant others...and now, we have to see each other at every holiday event.

Fun. Times. I. Tell. You.

Not only do I have to battle this bone disease...but I also am battling hormone issues. I cannot get pregnant. I haven't had a period without some sort of hormonal stimulation in years. They have tested me for everything under the sun. They don't know if it's the stress of being in pain 24/7. They don't know if somehow my disease has something to do with it. They don't know if it's because of my meds. Bottom line...my hormones are completely whacked...and for any woman who has had any kind of hormone problem...you KNOW how hard it is to lose weight...or have any energy. So...not only am I fighting the energy-draining pain every single second of every single day...I'm also fighting hormone deficiencies. Double whammy. Feels more like a quadruple whammy, but whatever.

Some days, I eat under 1200 calories. Some days, I eat over my calories. Some days, I barely stand up except to go to the bathroom. Some days, I feel pretty good, and I take advantage of it and either go to the gym, or clean my house. I am extremely picky about what I eat...and since I rarely get hungry...I eat what I can. It may come in the form of protein bars and protein shakes...but if that's what I can choke down...that's what I'm going to choke down. From my heaviest weight...I've lost close to 85 pounds. Forty of those pounds in the last eight months while I've been on MFP. My food diary may look awful to you. It may look like I'm just "skimping by" and getting my calories in from "non-clean", packaged foods. But let me tell you something.

I do my BEST every single day to give it all I've got. I have worked HARD to get to where I am. Granted, my working "hard" and YOU'RE working "hard" may be two very different things. But I'm working as hard as I CAN. I have accomplished so much more than losing 40 pounds in the past eight months.

I am only a few pounds away from being the lightest I've ever been in my adult life.

HOWEVER…I am officially the SMALLEST and HEALTHIEST I've ever been in my adult life…thanks to the joys of lifting heavy stuff. Woot! I have officially hit the smallest size I've ever been in my adult life…a size 10 jeans. Although, I'm a "true" size 12…my "goal" size 10 jeans zip, button…and I can breathe in them. They're just a little bit too snug to wear out in public. Ha! The biggest (or…in this case…SMALLEST) difference is in my upper body. I have a LOT of shirts, sweaters and jackets that had NEVER fit me…and now, every single shirt, sweater and jacket that I own not only fit…most of them have room to spare. The biggest achievements, however…have absolutely NOTHING to do with the scale.

My husband and I have been on this journey together for eight and a half months. It has been eight months since I've had a regular soda, and diet soda is something I only have maybe a couple of times a month, if that. I am up to almost a gallon of water per day. On lifting days, I hit a gallon, easily. My joints (yes, including the ones that are dying) feel better than they have in years. Other than the beginning of this month, when we had some colder weather move in, I've been able to back down on my pain medication to the point where it is no longer ruling my life!!

Since I've started lifting heavy weights, I have become stronger…a LOT stronger. I can squat a one rep max of around 100-110 pounds…with my rear almost to the floor, and when I started, I couldn't do a bodyweight squat without wanting to cry. I can bench press a 45lb Olympic barbell for about 40 reps, and when I started, I was scared to even lie under the bar. (Thanks to my amazing hubby for helping me get past that fear by "spotting" me!) I can do 50 deadlifts with 50 pounds, and when I first started, I couldn't even pick up the 30lb barbell off the rack to take it to my "spot" on the gym floor. I had to get Curt to bring it to me. I can do 77lbs on lat pull-downs for one good set of 10 reps, and when I first started, I could barely pull down 30lbs. My endurance and stamina have improved by leaps and bounds. This past week, AFTER an hour and 15 minutes of lifting heavy weights, I was able to play racquetball with my husband for over half an hour without wanting to pass out, and when I started, I could barely do 20 minutes on the elliptical machine with no other exercise before or after.

I can jump. I can run. I can squat. I can lunge. I can lift on the "boy's side" of the gym, and get looks of respect…instead of eyebrow-raising looks of confusion and pity. When I began this journey, I would have never believed that I would have been able to say that "I CAN" to all of those things. When asked the questions: Can you jump? Can you run? Can you squat? Can you lunge? My automatic answer was: "I can't!" Now…my automatic thought is: How high? How far? How much? How many? LET’S DO THIS! And I proceed to give it everything I've got!

The most important thing? I'm finally starting to believe in myself again. I can do things that I NEVER thought I'd be able to do. I will continue to do things that I never thought I'd be able to do…but now, the only difference is that I KNOW I can do it! It may take a lot of hard work and patience…but now I know that I have the capability of putting in that hard work and…ahem…"exercising" that patience!

I still have a long way to go in my journey. I still need and want to lose about 30-40 more pounds. I have already gotten my body fat percentage down almost 20%, but I want to get it into the healthy range.

When I began this journey…like most people…I just wanted to see that number on the scale go down. My goal was to see a certain number on that scale…and that was it. Now…my goals have changed. I don't care much for that "magic" number on the scale these days. Sure, it's GREAT to see it go down…but I am healthier now at ~170 pounds than I was 15 years ago at ~150 pounds. Instead of just eating inside my calorie requirements…I am *trying* to fuel my body better with more protein, fruit, veggies…and MOST importantly…water! Before, I would drink nothing but Mello Yello all day long…up to 6 or 7 twenty-ounce bottles per DAY! I would eat nothing all day long…and then INHALE a huge dinner! My acid reflux is virtually GONE, and it used to cause me to throw up almost every single day. I have times (rare times…but still!) when my pain level is MORE than tolerable, and I know it will only continue to get better. I have TRIPLE the energy that I had when I started this journey. Before…I could barely make it to 2:00 in the afternoon before I had to lie down and take at least a two hour nap. Now…I rarely nap at all, unless my body really needs it…and my insomnia is completely cured! I can dance around my house. I can play with my puppy until SHE gets tired first! When I see how far I've come…it amazes me. I still have a long way to go…but now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel…and the thing is…there IS no end! I want to be fit for life…healthy for LIFE!

I know this is the longest post ever, so thank you to those who have read this far. For anyone who might be starting out on their own healthy journey…let me offer some encouragement, although, you may not think of it as encouragement right now. My best advice?

Keep. Going.

It took me over 7 months to feel better. I almost gave up around month 5. Almost...BUT…I kept going. I recharged my enthusiasm, found something that I LOVE doing (lifting heavy things!), I *try* to eat right, I drink a ton of water, and I have an awesome support system! And sure enough, the people who traveled this journey ahead of me were right…eventually, I would see results. Maybe not as fast as I wanted. Maybe not in the exact way I wanted. But I would see them.

And I finally do.

All of a sudden, in the middle of my 7th month of doing this…it was like a light switch went off. For the past few weeks, everything has finally clicked. I instinctively reach for that bottle of water instead of anything else. I wake up every morning with a feeling of, "What will I accomplish today?!" instead of a feeling of, "UUUuuuuuggggghhhhh! Here we go again." I do jumping jacks while waiting for my chicken wrap to heat up in the oven. I do a happy dance when I move my weight up 5 pounds on my bicep curls or when I am able to squeeze out an extra rep on my cable crossovers. If the scale says I've gained a pound, and I've eaten within my calories and stayed on point with my fitness and eating plan…I high-five myself in the mirror because I know that pound is most likely MUSCLE and not fat. And speaking of that mirror…it's becoming less and less of an "enemy". I am starting to notice my arms and legs firming up, my face getting smaller, collarbones sticking out, my butt lifted, my stomach beginning to s-l-o-w-l-y flatten out…and the best things I see are my smile getting bigger and wider, my face clearing up to show healthy skin underneath, my posture improved and above all…the strength that I never knew I had inside of me to accomplish any of this.

Truly…I would not be where I am today if it weren't for my husband's constant and never-ending love and support. He tells me every single day that I am perfect just as I am, even when I feel SO far from it. He tells me every single day how proud he is that I'm working so hard to be a better me. He has celebrated every little success, and he has lifted me up with every bump in the road. Not to mention, he has also lost close to 50 pounds!! I am so proud of him, and I am so proud to be his wife!

Like I said before, I still have a long way to go…but I have come to realize that I will NEVER be "finished". I will continue to work hard to improve my fitness and my health and my overall well-being. The other day, a manager at my gym wanted to feature my "story" in their newsletter…and I said that I wanted to wait until I was a little further along. She told me that she was going to tell my story, anyway…but would keep my real name out of the article. She grabbed me by the shoulders (which are much stronger, by the way…ha!), looked into my eyes and said, "You are ALREADY an inspiration! You don't have to be 130 pounds of pure muscle in order to inspire other people. You have overcome more obstacles and have gone through more trials and have felt more pain than most people experience in their ENTIRE LIVES. Go home. Find a mirror. Look yourself straight in the eyes, and tell yourself that you are AMAZING! Keep doing it until you believe it!"

I'm almost there. Not quite…but almost…and I intend to keep pushing and keep working and keep sweating and keep on going…

No. Matter. What.

I can do things now that, eight months ago, I didn't think were possible for me. My food diary may not look like what YOU think it should look like. My workouts may not be as difficult or "enough" as what YOU think they should be. Another eight months from NOW...I plan on being the healthiest I've ever been in my life. My path to being at my healthiest may be completely different than what a lot of people on here think that path should look like.

Moral of this incredibly long story:

Do what YOU need to do. That's it. Don't let anyone stand in your way. If you have medical problems that are getting in your way...talk to your doctor. Ask them what the best exercises are for you. I NEVER...in a million years...thought I would be able to squat 100 pounds on dying knees. But I did. My nutrition has a lot to be desired...but I've come a LONG way from drinking a day's worth of calories (or more) in soda, and eating one meal or nothing at all.

Has this journey been easy? Nope. Has it been painful? Sometimes...but in a good way. Under doctor's supervision, I've done workouts that have IMPROVED my pain levels, and I know it will only get better! Have I made mistakes? Good grief, you BETCHA! The point is not to NEVER make a mistake. The point is what you DO with it. Do you repeat it? Or do you put your big girl (or guy) panties on...and keep on going? It's all about choices. I choose every day to keep going.

Just. Keep. Going.

Now, for the part everyone waits for. Ha! Here is my "Before & During" picture. The first picture was at my heaviest: 255 pounds. The second picture is ~175 pounds.




Face Progress: Left is when I started on MFP at 210. Right is current at ~175.



If anyone is having a tough time with any kind of chronic pain, or other issues that you feel interfere with your progress, first...please talk to your doctor. Also, feel free to message me and ask any questions that you may have as far as my own journey goes!

I know SO MANY people say this...but when I say it...I mean it on a whole new level:

If I can do this...ANYONE can do this!!!

Cheers, and thanks for taking the time to read my story!!

~MB~