A friend who might be an alcoholic - I need advice!

Those two examples you gave do not mean she in an alcoholic. My advice would be to mind your own business.

You're wondering if you should go to her husband? You don't think he probably has more insight to the situation than you do?

I'm really not convinced she's an alcoholic and I think you might be overreacting. The weeknight drinking is not great, and neither is consuming alcohol while breastfeeding, but the child is 3 1/2 so I find it very strange she's even still doing that (that's honestly the weirdest part of this story IMO). However, an 11am cocktail while on a weekend getaway is completely normal. I would definitely stay out of it. If she has a real problem, she has to want to help herself before you can help her anyway.

Steer clear of this. If you feel like you just can't sit back and let it bother you anymore. Be prepared for the consequences of losing a friend, interfering with your daughters friend, etc. However, if there is the possibility that she is increasing the chances of hurting someone....say something. Example: If she is driving her daughter and your daughter to the movies or something (not sure how old your daughter is) and she might be drinking....there is a problem because as a mother, you have to protect your daughter from those dangers. Otherwise, let it play out. People go through phases in life....this might pass. If it becomes a serious problem for her...she might come to you one day if she believes you are there for her as a true friend to begin with.

I had a friend who I knew was having problems with alcohol due to his PTSD from returning from Afghanistan.
I talked to one of our mutual friends who had recently returned as well.

The first friend and I are no longer friends.

TBH you sound like a booze shunner.

1.) There's nothing wrong with week night drinking if it is not impacting her daily life. If she's hungover every day, that's different.

2.) 11am? Ever heard of a mimosa or bloody mary? Those are usually served even earlier.

3.) Why is a 3.5 yr old still breast feeding? That's honestly the only worrisome thing you've posted here...

4.) Mind your own business. Until you can clearly illustrate to someone that it is having an adverse effect on her life, it isn't your place to say anything.

For reference, my dad was an alcoholic. I don't consider myself one

11am is when football starts. I'm drinking. Maybe not every weekend I start at that time, but if the game is on, the wings are served, I'm there!

3.5 years is a person's choice to breastfeed. Does the doc say it's OK to drink and breastfeed? If he/she's OK with it none of my business. I've known La Leche women who breast fed to 8 years old and they do it in other countries.

11pm and drunk? How drunk? Like get naked in front of the kids and jump in the pool drunk (this happened at our home and I asked the person's husband to take her home) or drunk as in really mellow and watching a late night smoozy movie with the old man after which I plan on smoozing with the old man.

Say something? You can. Be prepared to defend your position and let her know you're saying it because your worried not because you want to interfere in someone else's pretty awesome life. If you said that to me I'd likely tell you so shove off. (and not that nicely)

I have no advice for you but wish you the best of luck and same for your friend! My FIL is a diehard alcoholic and I hate it when he's around my kids so I feel for you.

The little bit you posted here does not sound like a person who is dependent on alcohol. Drunk at 11pm...well the kids are in bed and that is *my* time. 11am drink on holiday? I have had beer with breakfast on holiday.

That being said, the DSM-IV criteria for alcohol abuse & dependance are as follows:

ALCOHOL ABUSE.(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least one of the following occurring within a 12-month period:

•Recurrent use of alcohol resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to alcohol use; alcohol-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
•Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by alcohol use)
•Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol-related disorderly conduct)
•Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication).
(B) Never met criteria for alcohol dependence.

ALCOHOL DEPENDENCE.(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by three or more of the following occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

•Need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or desired effect; or markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol
•The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol; or drinking (or using a closely related substance) to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms
•Drinking in larger amounts or over a longer period than intended.
•Persistent desire or one or more unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control drinking
•Important social, occupational, or recreational activities given up or reduced because of drinking
•A great deal of time spent in activities necessary to obtain, to use, or to recover from the effects of drinking
•Continued drinking despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to be caused or exacerbated by drinking.
(B) No duration criterion separately specified, but several dependence criteria must occur repeatedly as specified by duration qualifiers associated with criteria (e.g., “persistent,” “continued”).

Source: Adapted from American Psychiatric Association (APA). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision. Washington, DC: APA, 2000.

TL:DR: withdrawl, tolerance, and significant negative impact on family, social, or occupational areas of life. If she is truly a friend, and you are sincerely concerned, talk with her. Don't accuse, just explain your concern and why.

If this mother is taking care of children and is drinking at 11 am there is definately a problem. I'd be concerned about the safety of my child while with her. Please keep us posted on the outcome.

Its not how much, or even when she drinks that would make her an alcoholic. Its if it has taken over her life.

This is a complex topic.

I suggest you call someone in Alcoholics Anonymous. Discuss it with them (one of their experts, not just one of their members).

If she is adversely affecting her life, an intervention by those she feels closest to might help.

Ultimately, she has to decide to help herself. That happens when the person "bottom's out". That could be before its too late, or never (i.e. the drinking will end up killing her).

Alcohol is a drug. Different folks have different tolerance to it. Everybody's mileage will vary.

Again.....its not how much, or when the drinking occurs, unless it is adversely affecting her (e.g. does she plan her day around drinking, or is it something that happens to occur with other activities).

Be careful. People who are addicted to alcohol can react violently (physically and/or emotionally) to someone trying to help.

BTW, I would not be friends with most of the posters on this thread.

That's OK. We like you anyway

Drinking at 11am on a weekend is not an indicator of alcohol abuse, it is more often an indicator that I am at the cottage or camping.

My mom was an alcoholic and she did a very good job at hiding it. She was a very functional alcoholic and growing up I had absolutely no clue.

If you feel the need to say something then say it but understand that she might be offended and/or angry and it could put a strain on your relationship.

As for drinking during the week my husband and I have a bottle of wine every night. Some nights we might have two. I'm a light weight so after two glasses I'm feeling tipsy. I don't get intoxicated every night though.

I don't see an issue with her having a drink at 11 a.m. when you guys go away for the weekend. I have had mimosa's or a bloody Mary with breakfast. That doesn't make me an alcoholic. I've also drank before noon when on vacation or if my husband and I were out some where and we stopped for an early lunch.

If she is not functioning, if she is drunk and hung over every day and she isn't taking care of her kids then it's an issue. If when she wakes up in the morning the first thing she does is make a beeline to the refrigerator, pops a cold one and downs it then it's an issue.