Helping my 12 year old daughter...
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No advice from me,but I think MFP posters have really stepped up to offer their own personal experiences from when they were that age. Read,then read again.Take what applies to your family.
Good luck & remember,it needs to be a whole family happening.0 -
Ditto others. Don't single out your one overweight daughter and don't focus on scale weight (or losing it) at 12 years old. Get the whole family in on the game of health and nutrition, have everyone exercise and plan meals, etc.
^^^ this
a lot of people think that slim = healthy and chubby = not healthy.... it's actually not that simple. Slim, sedentary people with inadequate diets are at risk of all sorts of health issues too. You don't have to actually be fat to put your health at risk. Everyone should exercise (barring medical issues that make it impossible or inadvisable), everyone should learn how to feed their bodies in such a way as to stay healthy. It is *not* just obese people who need to do that. OP: ALL your kids need to exercise and learn to make healthy food choices.
Also, putting pressure/focus on kids re their size/shape, you're risking giving them mental health issues (including eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder) and it can have the exact opposite affect you intended, i.e. the kid feels unhappy about his/her body, feels like they're not good enough, and so they eat more to comfort themselves, or they go and hide somewhere and eat all the foods they're not allowed to eat at home. So really, you don't want to go down that route. Look after her mental and emotional health first, because without good mental health, trying to do anything in life is a dark, difficult struggle that seems utterly pointless.
So, stop singling out this child. Teach all the kids about making healthy choices, and get them into sports that they enjoy, and don't discuss size or weight at all with your kids. Simply talk about being strong, fit and healthy, and what foods their bodies need, and what foods are not a good idea to eat unlimited quantities of. Teach them moderation. Get them to enjoy sports and exercise in their own right, e.g. going running to beat your previous times, not going running to get thin. You also don't want to be giving your kids the message that how they look is more important than what they can do. Focus on what they can do, and also make sure that whatever sport and exercise it is, that they're enjoying it. Do this and any excess fat will take care of itself without you having to ever mention it. And your kids' confidence will soar as they achieve things in sports that they enjoy.0 -
So I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?
I am confused. You say she has a few extra pounds on her belly - which is perfectly normal for a 12 year old girl. Yet, she feels she has to watch what she eats? Why? And you have connected this with her comment about not liking herself, why? Also, not that abnormal for a 12 year old girl. And you want to teach her good nutrition, again, why? Does she eat unhealthily?
A couple of observations: I think you may be projecting on your daughter. Don't. Find out what is going on with her and don't assume she has or will have the same issues as you do. Good nutrition is for everyone. And it starts at the grocery store and you are in control there, I assume. You can't control what happens outside of the house (nor should you try - demonizing food won't help). And as far as restricting everyone - caution there...if you aren't already, you could be setting your youngest up for a lot of resentment from her sisters and towards you. My sister was a diabetic. We had NOTHING in our house. It was BARREN. She was fat, snuck food. Not good. Incremental changes are easier for everyone.
Building her self esteem will go much further than having her lose a few pounds.0 -
father of 4 daughters here - from the skinny model to the overweight girl becoming athlete.
First off - I'd focus on the self-image stuff - The "I hate myself" raises all sort of issues and flags and is the worst situation for self-achievement. Can't win without achieving self-love. Keep the cuddle in the morning or add to it but keep telling her she is beautiful and you love her and she is full of win (and whatever win that is that is different from her sister).
Second - I'm going to suggest that you forget exercise (wait for it) and think about lifestyle and activities - you cannot drive a 12 year old's motivation to do something that is not interesting and fun for a significant period of time. So discuss with her an emotional driven program -- what I mean by that. Have her identify what she wants to do:
- lose weight - this is great but not the objective of exercise or activity - it is the secondary win.
- identify activity based goals - do she want to run, fence, climb, ride horses or cheerlead. whatever it is - I imagine she can visualize being good at it and what "good" takes? How does she measure that?
- emotionalize it - ask her why, why does she want to do this? How does it make her feel? The "why" question can actually be asked a few time - I love annoying my daughters with that (small vengeance), but it is acually a technique borrowed from managment tools (I digress) - The emotional tie in and understanding it will help with sticking to a routine
- what other pluses can you add? If your daughter is going to be swimming or running - can it be a social activity with a friend, meets? medals? And neat clothes?
Getting kids active is a life learning for them.
My daughters (brag moment):
19 - RAGBRAI rider, now going from overweight to animal athlete, lifts, cycles and walks everywhere. Scared of heights but climbs a little. She's on here and she asking me for a program
17 - fences and asked yesterday for a bench press program because "she hasta for school"
11 - climbs, fences, runs (she's at a regional meet today) and does circus training. High energy child
10 - fences and climbs
Get them to DO things that they love.
My daughter is married with children of her own and my hands on parenting is over, but this is such good advice. The words of a father to his daughters make a giant impression on their view of self. Your girls are very blessed, indeed. :drinker:0 -
"I think you may be projecting on your daughter. Don't." -jayrudqSo I've put this out to MFP friends and now I'm putting this out to all of you....
I have an 12 year old who takes after her mom when it comes to food. I'd say she has a few extra pounds on her belly but nothing insurmountable. However she feels it's unfair that her sister's don't have to watch what they eat and she does. This morning she started to cry and said, "I don't like myself". How do I avoid being that mom who oversees everything she eats (like my mom did and I REALLY resented) yet get her to loose the weight? I just want to teach her good nutrition so weight will never be an issue and in the course of doing so have her loose a couple of pounds. We've decided that instead of a 20 minute snuggle in the mornings we would exercise and we would plan her lunch the night before. Any other suggestions?
I am confused. You say she has a few extra pounds on her belly - which is perfectly normal for a 12 year old girl. Yet, she feels she has to watch what she eats? Why? And you have connected this with her comment about not liking herself, why? Also, not that abnormal for a 12 year old girl. And you want to teach her good nutrition, again, why? Does she eat unhealthily?
A couple of observations: I think you may be projecting on your daughter. Don't. Find out what is going on with her and don't assume she has or will have the same issues as you do. Good nutrition is for everyone. And it starts at the grocery store and you are in control there, I assume. You can't control what happens outside of the house (nor should you try - demonizing food won't help). And as far as restricting everyone - caution there...if you aren't already, you could be setting your youngest up for a lot of resentment from her sisters and towards you. My sister was a diabetic. We had NOTHING in our house. It was BARREN. She was fat, snuck food. Not good. Incremental changes are easier for everyone.
Building her self esteem will go much further than having her lose a few pounds.
Pretty much sums it up.0 -
Good suggestions from many people but even these won't always help.
I was always the overweight one. My sister was naturally slim when we were younger and my mum was very disciplined about how much she ate.
She educated me about what was healthy. She almost always cooked healthy foods. She encouraged me to do sports. And she failed in all of that. Because I secretly bought sweets and snacks from my pocket money. And I didn't enjoy playing sports. Ok, so she also singled me out when my sister got a second helping and I was asked if I was quite sure I wasn't full. And she signed me up for sports I wasn't interested in. And while it was always clear she loved me as a person, I didn't feel beautiful. But MAINLY I just overate in secret. Ok, she could have taken my pocket money but I would have found a way anyway.
Younger ME was very unhappy. YOunger ME knew how to lose weight but didn't have the willpower.
By all means educate her and all that stuff, but don't overdo things. The most important thing is that your kid knows that she is beautiful and loved.0 -
My first thought is to have all the kids eat the same type of things. I can see how she would be upset if the others get Ice Cream and snacks if she can't.
I like the idea of scheduling time to work out together. My oldest loves to go to Zumba with me.0 -
I was a chubby kid! My well-meaning mother would often say things like "If you could just lose 10 more lbs..." and then if I did, "You look good, but imagine if you lost 5 more!" Ugh. She bought me diet pills when I was like 13 (I don't remember how much I weighed, but less than 150lbs). She would also do other non-weight related things like encourage me to die my hair and whatever. I felt like the biggest loser ever. Thank God I didn't have a skinny sister (just skinny brothers).
When I went to college I gained 60lbs because I didn't know how to cook and just ate fast food.
Do you see what happened there? She spent my childhood/adolescence telling me to be skinny but never taught me how to do it! Healthy eating and cooking is a life skill all children should be taught... I feel like my parents failed me.
I did eventually lose the weight. I moved to Brazil and didn't have fast food or processed food options so I had to learn pretty quickly. So I'm definitely in the "if they don't have the option it won't be an issue" camp. I know people argue that they'll eat it elsewhere, which is true... they do. But at least 80% of their food is consumed at home. The rest isn't going to matter. So don't buy it.
I also wouldn't encourage "exercise", but be active as a family. Go for walks. Go swimming. Play soccer. Fun things that involve everyone and don't single your daughter out.
And pleeeeeeeeeeeeease people, teach your children how to cook at least reasonably healthy meals.0 -
She can't eat junk if there's no junk in the house. She's 12 so she can't buy junk food or really sneak any.
Really? I did when I was 12. Vending machines at school, snack bars at youth clubs, going to the local shop with friends etc.
This is what I was thinking too!! I was an overweight preteen and teen. When I was with my mom she would not make a big deal about treats. There was always a big cookie jar in her house, and other stuff I liked...and I wasn't even that tempted. However, I lived primarily with my dad and stepmom. My stepmom was ALWAYS on a diet and it was the early 90s when the low fat craze was on. So there was very little tempting food in our house, rarely any type of dessert, and as a result I started to binge (not SERIOUS binges, but still what I would call binges) when I was not at home. I remember visiting friends who lived near a convenience store when I was around 13-14 and we would get like 3-4 chocolate bars at a time. I did not mind spending my allowance on it, either.
One thing on the affection front. My mom put the idea in my head that it's improper to hug people fully when you are "developed". I started to get breast buds when I was only 8-9 years old and after that I very rarely hugged anyone or was very nervous and awkward in hugging to make sure I didn't press up against them. This gave me issues my whole life, and I've only recently felt totally over it in my mid 30s! I don't think the OP is going to have that type of issues but as for others with kids/teens in their lives, don't underestimate the importance of a cuddle or hug with growing girls (or boys) just because of puberty's onset!0 -
Make family meals and snacks that are healthy for everyone. Dont single her out. My mom was a healthy weight and my aunt was slim. My grandma used to ask loudly, "Where is your husky child section? You know-for chubby kids?"
If my mom didnt eat, there were comments made. If she ate, grandma would call her friends and comnent on how much of a pig my mom was. It has damaged my moms confidence for life.
So slim or not-everyone needs to be on board with healthy foods. Keep metabolism ij mind though-my husband needed a lot of food because he was slender and lost easily. I didnt need as much as him because my metabokism wssnt as fast0 -
Some good advice here. Especially the 'family oriented healthy living' activities and goals.
A few have mentioned cooking, I'd second that. Learning to cook healthy wholesome meals and learning about nutrition is an important life skill many children miss out on.
Talking of pizza, that's a great family option for cooking. Make a wholewheat base together and let everyone choose how to top their own mini pizza. Prep a range of healthy toppings to choose from like sliced onions, olives, grated reduced fat cheese, simple tomato sauce, canned tuna, canned sweetcorn, peppers etc.0 -
Seriously, what is "snuggle time" anyway? Is that actually hugging your kid for 20 minutes straight? Or is it something different? I have never heard of that.0
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Does she know that she should not be compared to her sisters? Have you told her that everybody is different? Do you use words around your house like fat of diet?0
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Seriously, what is "snuggle time" anyway? Is that actually hugging your kid for 20 minutes straight? Or is it something different? I have never heard of that.
Don't know what snuggle time is for other people but with my former sort-of stepdaughters I made a point in being available for lots and lots of cuddles and snuggles. Meaning, if they had a bad day or just felt like it, we got comfy on the sofa, hugging, head-stroking. You know - every person likes different kinds of physical non-sexual affection. Some like it more, some like it less. For some kids this snuggle phase stops when they hit puberty - which is fine - and others like cuddling their parents or sort-of stepparents for much longer. I'm a grown-*kitten* woman and I still LOVE cuddling with my male or female friends. I guess it's a bit like monkeys' reciprocal grooming rituals.0 -
I have a 13 year old daughter, she is thin but in the past before growth spurts she would get a belly. We just made family changes like 2% milk to 1%, kept the soda out of the house and other small things. We also tried to get her active, running club, swimming or really anything she would enjoy. My daughters self esteem is high, but this was also our number one focus.
Having real discussions about weight has not effected her, her sister has dads gene's so she is small frame and muscular (also extremely active and into gymnastics) where my oldest has dads height but moms build, which is small/medium with curves. Our discussions never singled her out, they were more about how its harder to lose weight then to never put it on, and I have shown her the calorie count in some things....needless to say this shocked her. She eats and eats normally healthy and in moderation but she also knows with her build she needs to be active or she can put weight on easier than her sister. She is 5'6" 120 lbs her bmi is about 20. Also not sure if you daughter is near her end of growing in height, but our Dr. always said don't have her lose any weight just try to maintain it till she grows into it.
So my advice would be....Self esteem first, minor family changes in food (good for everyone), activity and discussions that are NOT lectures but more just casual about weight and food.
Edit to add: She also has told me that she needs to stay active because she likes food too much and would hate to have to diet ever, she also stated this is why she could never have an eating disorder because "puking is just gross and I like food too much to be anorexic, so I can't be lazy".
Sometimes we may have taken the self esteem part to far, my daughter has no problem telling you how "Awesome" she is :laugh:0 -
Growing up, I was always the overweight one of 3 children. Tread extremely carefully, instead of singling her out, teach good nutrition to all the children. Do family activities such as walking or riding bikes, if you have a dog, take it for a walk with all the family.
It's hard feeling that way about yourself when you're young, my mum used to deny the problem whilst my dad would constantly joke about my weight. My mother denying the problem led to my brief spell of anorexia, because I felt that she didn't want to help me be healthy, I would have to do it in my own way. I had no knowledge of nutrition at all, so give her the right knowledge! it's definitely the key.
It could also be puppy fat, a lot of my cousins used to be slightly chubby and they evened out with height!
Stock the cupboards with healthy foods, and keep fattier foods to a minimum. Sketch up a meal plan or look up recipes together and plan the week ahead! Good luck!0 -
Seriously, what is "snuggle time" anyway? Is that actually hugging your kid for 20 minutes straight? Or is it something different? I have never heard of that.
yeah I think it's great doing physical affection with your kiddos but the 15+ minutes straight seemed off to me too.
I DO NOT mean anything inappropriate. Just unusual.
I think quality time can take many forms, though. I used to get ready for school and then sit on my stepmom's window seat in her bedroom watching her put on makeup and curl her hair. We talked more then than at any other time. I did that occasionally even when I was 17, and we were not "close" really but that helped with bonding for sure.0 -
I was the sister who always had the extra weight around the middle. We were all very active and ate a healthy diet. I always ate less than anyone else in my family, ate more veggies and fruit, less of the rice/pasta/potatoes, ate way less of the sugary treats, but I still always had the extra weight. My mom would make comments like, maybe you should skip the seconds tonight. Or I just want you to be healthy, it can't be good for you to carry that extra weight around. At this point I was a size 8 us and extremely muscular. I was in great shape. She still makes those comments and it always hurts my feelings. Especially because it turned out to be an actual health problem and not me over eating. Once we finally got it figured out I did actually start to lose weight until I got pregnant lol.
Just tread carefully with your daughter. You really don't want her to have bad feelings towards you over weight. I struggle everyday with my self image as far as my body goes. It is not a good thing to breed! Don't focus on food or weight! Focus on good health for the whole family!! Promoting good, healthy habits like moving as much as possible during the day is great. Being aware that choosing an apple over ice cream is good and can be just a satisfying. Don't deny her anything just make good decisions yourself and she will follow your example.0 -
Let me just say something really quick that I left out. I'm 21 and I still hate working out because of what my mom put me through. She would make me go on 2 mile walks with her everyday and she would make me to go the gym with her in the morning everyday or she would make me do exercises everyday. Now while I appreciate now how sweet it was of her to take that time and do it with me, she made if FEEL like exercise and I HATED it. For one, I was being singled out, and I felt embarrassed to have to work out. Working out only reminded me that I was fat and gross, and I would not put a lot of effort into it because of that. In return my mom would get upset with me for not putting in effort and saying I'm wasting my time. Then I'd feel even worse. We'd end up yelling and fighting and all kinds of upset going on. Just don't force her to work out. The walks were nice actually a lot of times we had fun conversations and had fun trying to beat our times. One problem was she still tried to make it about losing weight too much which in return made me feel lousy. I thought everyone who saw me walking with my mom just knew I was horrible and gross and ugly (which they didn't). If I thought of the walks as just to have fun and spend more time away from the TV, maybe i wouldn't have felt that way. She would pressure me to keep up with her, or walk ahead of me, which felt sad to me because half the reason I enjoyed the walks was the quality time.
About eating... she would pack me salads for school lunch. I felt awkward and embarrassed to be eating a packed salad with a separate container of dressing and it just felt stupid for a middle schooler to be bringing that for lunch. There were other ways I could have eaten healthy. Other times she tried sending me with nothing but a meal replacement bar... to school... for lunch. Please... that sucked watching other kids eat pizza and cookies. Not to mention kids are mean and kinda made fun of me. My mom didn't know she was doing anything wrong. I ended up always throwing out the salad at school and asking one of my friends to buy me a 75 cent cookie or something similar. I was seriously not eating healthy. I never told my mom. One day I remember she made me weight myself and I lost weight and she hugged me and was so happy and I ended up crying hysterically. When she asked me why I finally admitted that the only reason is because I haven't been eating any real lunch and then she didn't console me... she got SO ANGRY about the fact that i was throwing away my salads. She didn't understand that I just wanted to be like everyone else. And I just wanted a cookie sometimes.
Another thing I remember was always having to weight myself every single time we went to my grandmas house. Like all I was was my weight. Nothing else about me was important. I suffer from serious self-esteem issues, binging problems, and fear or working out. My mom never knew she was wrong, but she never took the time to really ask how I felt. She always just thought I was being stupid and silly. For sure, looking back on it I was being silly, my feelings were not correct, but they were my feelings therefor they were 100% justified.
I know this is really long but parents, please take the time to read this. Its important to know how what you do can REALLY affect your children. Just try to always make sure they know you love them, that they know they are 100% beautiful and perfect just how they are, and that you only want to help them. Listen to how THEY FEEL because its important. Try to work WITH them.0
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