How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body
KimJohnsonsmile
Posts: 222 Member
This title is misleading. I don't want just people with daughters to read this - everyone should read it. I read this yesterday for the 1st time, and have read it over and over again and love it more and more each time. I firmly believe in teaching my children that being strong is so much better than being skinny. Where does being skinny get you??? Being healthy and kind and smart will take you places. Diet if you must, but "diet" by eating ALL the amazingly healthy good-for-you foods you love - just in smaller portions - and teach your children to do the same. Or, forget the diet, and just be active! Get outdoors! Play sports! Find something active that you love, so you WANT to do it every day! Love the body God gave you and work to make it better! Thank you, Sarah Koppelkam, for your post.
How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.
Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.
If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that. Here are some things you can say instead:
"You look so healthy!" is a great one.
Or how about, "You're looking so strong."
"I can see how happy you are -- you're glowing."
Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.
Don't comment on other women's bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.
Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.
Don't you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don't go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don't say, "I'm not eating carbs right now." Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.
Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that's a good thing sometimes.
Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you'll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn't absolutely in love with.
Prove to your daughter that women don't need men to move their furniture.
Teach your daughter how to cook kale.
Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.
Pass on your own mom's recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.
Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It's easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don't. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.
Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.
Sarah Koppelkam. hopeave.wordpress.com: How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body - Posted: 07/30/2013 5:33 pm
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-koppelkam/body-image_b_3678534.html
This post originally appeared on hopeave.wordpress.com.
How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.
Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.
If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that. Here are some things you can say instead:
"You look so healthy!" is a great one.
Or how about, "You're looking so strong."
"I can see how happy you are -- you're glowing."
Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.
Don't comment on other women's bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.
Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.
Don't you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don't go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don't say, "I'm not eating carbs right now." Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.
Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that's a good thing sometimes.
Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you'll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn't absolutely in love with.
Prove to your daughter that women don't need men to move their furniture.
Teach your daughter how to cook kale.
Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.
Pass on your own mom's recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.
Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It's easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don't. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.
Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.
Sarah Koppelkam. hopeave.wordpress.com: How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body - Posted: 07/30/2013 5:33 pm
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-koppelkam/body-image_b_3678534.html
This post originally appeared on hopeave.wordpress.com.
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Replies
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Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.
Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.
If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that. Here are some things you can say instead:
...
Don't comment on other women's bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.
I don't think making weight a taboo is going to help anyone's daughter. That didn't work with sex or violence or drugs either.0 -
^^^ This is why I don't ever post things like this. The point of the reprint was to be motivational and to encourage people to focus on leading a healthy and happy lifestyle, and to not just focus on weight. As far as I'm concerned, how much my 11 year old daughter weighs is absolutely a taboo topic, and it will continue to be. But that is my choice. To each their own.
But, I am curious who these people are that said sex, violence and drugs are taboo topics. I missed that one.0 -
And what do I say to my 20 yr old daughter, who is looking scary skinny, but does not have an eating disorder? She's a BSN student and works 20 hours a week.0
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Well I'M VERY HAPPY YOU POSTED IT
I read it and reread it again thank you for sharing. Don't let the negatives in when you want to post something this valuable. THANK YOU :flowerforyou: 0 -
Are you holding a gun in your profile picture? What are you shooting?
Some of the suggestions are good, my mother always went on about her being fat and she openly hated her body. I picked up a lot of that from her.
Mothers can start by openly loving their own bodies and not being so self critical. Thanks for this post.0 -
^^^ This is why I don't ever post things like this. The point of the reprint was to be motivational and to encourage people to focus on leading a healthy and happy lifestyle, and to not just focus on weight. As far as I'm concerned, how much my 11 year old daughter weighs is absolutely a taboo topic, and it will continue to be. But that is my choice. To each their own.
But, I am curious who these people are that said sex, violence and drugs are taboo topics. I missed that one.
I actually like the article you posted. I'm the mom of an 8 year old and I have realized as of late that my obsession with weight loss, "dieting" (even though I hate to call it that) and hating how my body looks is beginning to make an impression on her that I'm not fond of. She runs to the scale some days to see how much she weighs and even though she doesn't know what the numbers mean, she says things like "I'm getting fat" (which is totally untrue because she's tall and extremely slender). However, it's because she hears me saying negative things about my own body. This article puts things in perspective once again because I've been really hard on myself as far as the example I'm setting for a healthy lifestyle. I don't want her growing up with an negative self image because of my own insecurities.0 -
I think if your daughter is a child, this applies. If your daughter is a grown woman, then you should be frank with her while being kind if there is a health issue with her body.
That being said, I wish my parents had told me to cool it on the carbs when I was younger...
Good post though.0 -
And what do you say to an overweight daughter who is now in her late 20's and grew up with a mom who weighed 386 pounds at her biggest and had weight loss surgery to lose the 152 loss listed here and is struggling to lose the last 75?
No it's not about body shape and being a certain size. It is about being a healthy weight and active. But truth is, in this world, it's also about how you look. At 386 pounds I was marginalized, excluded, and ignored. I felt invisable in most social situations. That's changed dramaticly since the weight started coming off. I know some of it was my own sense of self worth and confidence level. But the rest of it was how others perceived me. Most people don't talk to the fat person in the room or anyone who is outside the "normal" becuase "different" makes us uncomfortable.
Yes it's a good post and well worth sharing, but while we need to raise our children to be healthy, we also need to teach them that the world does judge by how you look. We need to teach them how to deal with that in a positive or neutral manner.0 -
Are you holding a gun in your profile picture? What are you shooting?
Some of the suggestions are good, my mother always went on about her being fat and she openly hated her body. I picked up a lot of that from her.
Mothers can start by openly loving their own bodies and not being so self critical. Thanks for this post.
Yes, it's a 22 pistol and I was target practicing w/ my husband.
The article just made me smile. I don't necessarily agree w/ all of it (six sticks of butter is a little much), but the gist of it reminds me to be careful of what I may or may not be subconsciously teaching my kiddos.0 -
I disagree with some of it (not talking about their weight/body, for one, because I'm a firm believer in open communication on all fronts), but I think the overall message is clear and positive.
I have a son, so it's going to be a little different for him, but from day one I decided that I didn't want him to have body issues like I did as a kid so now I'm going out of my way to not diet, but to be healthier in general and hopefully my good health habits will be normal for him.
If your kid is unhealthy (scary skinny as an above poster mentioned), I would think encouraging healthy choices without making body remarks is fine. There's a difference between remarks like, "You're too skinny, eat something" and "Come over for dinner, we're having (insert healthy & nutritious meal here)."0 -
Most of those are good words for those of us with sons, too! Thanks!0
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Teaching anyone to cook Kale sounds like cruel and unusual punishment.
Teach her to make homemade ice cream to go,with that cake...and how to rappel down cliffs and make smoke bombs.
(Mom of 3 boys here. They don't care at all about how their body looks or how others perceive it. I wish they actually did! Then they,d actually wash their hair and wear deodorant with out me pleading and begging)0 -
I liked everything in the OP.
But I also think moms (and dads) can help boost their daughters' self-esteem by telling them they look good and other stuff like that.
My mom has always been my biggest fan. Even when I weighed 300 lb and she inadvertently helped me stay in denial about my weight problem. "You are so pretty" or "Those jeans are really flattering" or "You're lucky you're tall, you carry your weight very well"
Honestly I feel like having her be a supporter even if I needed to change, helped me get to a place where I really WANTED to change rather than feeling like I needed to change in order to be accepted and loved.
Just another perspective!
Oh...FTR my mom has her own body problems and issues. When I was growing up she was scary skinny much of the time from not-so-healthy habits, but she was always frank and open about hating her huge hips and thighs. She said that stuff in such a positive way though - I know that sounds crazy, but she did. She was always very quick to comment that she liked her upper body and her hands, ankles, face, midriff...everything. She always dressed to the nines and did her makeup and hair just "so" and took a lot of pride in her appearance. But she admitted to hating certain bits. She would laugh with her sisters about wearing tight black pantyhose with her miniskirts so her legs would look good. I remember that from when I was a little kid and I don't think it scarred me or anything. I actually think I benefited from having a mom like that, even though it may not have been perfect, than if I'd had a mom who was totally full of self-hate and didn't think she was attractive at all.0 -
I think this is great! Thank you for sharing0
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I wasn't on board with all of it, but I did think it was a good read, so thanks for sharing. The one that was the most important to me was the one about not talking bad about your own body in front of your daughter. My mother has been overweight my entire life, and one of my oldest memories of her is me being very young and saying, "I think you're so pretty, Mama!" and she said, "thanks, but I'm not, your mama's just fat and ugly." She's never hidden how ashamed of her body she is and she's always had negative things to say about herself, and I think it's no coincidence that I was only seven years old when I first started calling myself "fat" and thinking very negatively of my body (when I was only very slightly chubby at that age, nowhere near the size I thought I was). I'm determined that, when I have kids, I don't want them to ever hear me hate myself like that. Even though I do struggle with self-loathing on the daily, I'm doing my best to prevent children until I reach a more stable place, which I'm trying to reach with therapy and meditation and lots of self-love books and blogs.
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^^^ This is why I don't ever post things like this. The point of the reprint was to be motivational and to encourage people to focus on leading a healthy and happy lifestyle, and to not just focus on weight. As far as I'm concerned, how much my 11 year old daughter weighs is absolutely a taboo topic, and it will continue to be. But that is my choice. To each their own.
But, I am curious who these people are that said sex, violence and drugs are taboo topics. I missed that one.
Like you, my mother considered my weight at 11 to be a taboo topic, she did little things to try and help me, without ever bringing up the fact I was 20kg overweight for an ADULT at my height, 9 years later and I wish it hadn't of been taboo, may have saved me having to drop out of High School in year 8 thanks to bullying, and then going through an extremely depressing and suicidal though filled 6 years.
Also, I wouldn't be turning 20 in a fortnight weighing 87 kilos (Down from 115kg)
I'm not saying if your kid is a HEALTHY weight to encourage her to diet, I'm just saying not to ignore it like it will go away, it won't and if she DID end up overweight, she may resent you for not addressing it.0 -
I think if your daughter is a child, this applies. If your daughter is a grown woman, then you should be frank with her while being kind if there is a health issue with her body.
That being said, I wish my parents had told me to cool it on the carbs when I was younger...
Good post though.
i think that is the whole point, if you apply these principles at a young age, hopefully there won't be an issue when she gets older. I think flyychick's post is a perfect example of how our own issues transfer over to our children. Of course you can not shield your daughter from all of the influences in society and the media, but setting a strong example at home can help to provide a strong foundation.
I for one, am very disturbed by the posts I see from so many young women on these forums with body image issues. I think this was a great post. Thanks for sharing!0 -
Good article. I have a 13 year old daughter (& son), and I've fought my weight for a good portion of my life, and have had body image problems as well. I've tried really hard not to say negative things around my kids, so that they don't grow up with those body images. And in the last six months I've made a real effort to step out of my comfort zone and try new things and face different fears to show them that sometimes you are capable of things that you don't think you are... I've even taken up indoor soccer at age 43 and started running and doing 5k's.
My daughter, at age 13, wrote an essay recently about her perfect world. She had to create rules, and one of the rules was that people accept themselves. I thought that was awesome for a 13 year old girl! I hope she can keep that attitude as she moves into womanhood and not have the same negative self image that I had throughout my teenage years. She's an amazingly confident young lady, and I think part of that has to do with the fact that I've always encouraged her to do anything she sets her mind to, be it dancing or sports. She's also one of the strongest girls I know. She looks like a tiny little thing, weighing in at 105 pounds at 5'5", but she has muscles for days and can outlift her brother in the weight room any day (don't tell him I told you that)! :laugh:0 -
Thank you for posting this, I will read it many times and consider these things, .... I believe that is all the OP really wanted to do is share and remind us to think.0
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I wish my mom had been upfront with me about my weight sooner, maybe then I wouldn't have let myself get the point that I did. I was 190 pounds when I was 14 years old, and I wish someone would have opened my eyes about it since I clearly did not see what I was doing to myself.0
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I was okay with everything else......................till this.:laugh:Teach your daughter how to cook kale.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
My mom has always been my biggest fan. Even when I weighed 300 lb and she inadvertently helped me stay in denial about my weight problem. "You are so pretty" or "Those jeans are really flattering" or "You're lucky you're tall, you carry your weight very well"
That's how my Grandma was. I like the article though.0 -
^^^ This is why I don't ever post things like this. The point of the reprint was to be motivational and to encourage people to focus on leading a healthy and happy lifestyle, and to not just focus on weight. As far as I'm concerned, how much my 11 year old daughter weighs is absolutely a taboo topic, and it will continue to be. But that is my choice. To each their own.
But, I am curious who these people are that said sex, violence and drugs are taboo topics. I missed that one.
I was not trying to be negative, I just literally don't think it's good to make a taboo out of anything. It was an interesting read, btw, so keep posting.
I live in a country where violence is edited out of tv-movies because of the children. There are lots of countries where nudity is taboo because of the children. In my home, drugs were a topic that couldn't even be discussed without my parents getting angry. I don't think any of these things are helpful and lead to well rounded, independent adults.
My job as a mother - as I see it - is to prepare my children for the real world and give them the tools to get through life healthy and happy. For girls and women of every age, weight is a big issue, and pretending it's not there is just not helpful.0 -
I don't "diet" with my daughter, I don't complain around my daughter (she is 6 and I have a 19yo girl as well). My 6yo is picking up on things and will ask me "mommy, is that a healthy dinner" ...0
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Are you holding a gun in your profile picture? What are you shooting?
Some of the suggestions are good, my mother always went on about her being fat and she openly hated her body. I picked up a lot of that from her.
Mothers can start by openly loving their own bodies and not being so self critical. Thanks for this post.
Yes, it's a 22 pistol and I was target practicing w/ my husband.
The article just made me smile. I don't necessarily agree w/ all of it (six sticks of butter is a little much), but the gist of it reminds me to be careful of what I may or may not be subconsciously teaching my kiddos.
My daughter is 13. She played baseball in early elementary, until she qualified for the girls basketball team at school. She did that for 3 years and we talked a lot about health and weight in the past couple of years, because I was preparing to have weight loss surgery. I had developed my bad eating habits at around her age, and I wanted to make sure she was aware that what she chooses now can become good or bad habits that will last her whole life. We noticed (SHE noticed) that when it was basketball season, she was slim and that she felt more energetic, but when she wasn't participating, she would gain a little weight and feel less like doing things. She also realized that we would get more fast food during basketball season (time issues, of course), but that it didn't show as much of a detrimental effect as long as she was making an effort to keep physically active.
She is a very healthy weight and no longer plays any of the physical sports. She is currently focusing on air rifle shooting and getting to a point where she can qualify for competitions. This is relatively sedentary, but she also is outside on a regular basis, taking walks, playing with the dogs, etc. She already knows that a healthy weight is related to healthy activity, and she keeps that in mind. And because of my weight history, we talk quite often. The subject is far from taboo in our house!
With all that said, she was with a friend at the store recently and this is her description of what happened: A couple of stick thin girls were behind her and her friend and they commented on the "fat cow" that was in front of them. My daughter made a biting comment back to them, and came home with a very interesting point. She said "I am at the perfect weight for my size, and I am not too fat or too skinny. People who make comments like those girls must feel really bad about their weight, especially if they are picking on someone of MY size rather than someone who is even much bigger than me." I believe her self-confidence (while largely a part of her natural being) was enhanced by our regular conversations about health and weight and food.
Finally, I quoted the above comments because I honestly think that although any woman can be very highly self-confident, given the right tools, the ones who are not fearful of things like shooting (or mountain climbing or other things that can be seen as extreme) are the ones who have the best self-confidence.0 -
I'm a little surprised at the criticism. I agree with it pretty wholeheartedly. I think leading by example is the most important thing. My mom always called herself fat and I remember declaring going on my first diet when I was six years old. No bueno. Food is fuel.0
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I wish my mom had been upfront with me about my weight sooner, maybe then I wouldn't have let myself get the point that I did. I was 190 pounds when I was 14 years old, and I wish someone would have opened my eyes about it since I clearly did not see what I was doing to myself.
I was also about that size. But you know what? Then or even more recently, when anyone commented with concern or dismay about my weight, it did everything BUT encourage me to make positive changes! It made me hate myself, blame myself, and turn inwardly not wanting to socialize as much, stress eating more, etc. I was so defensive about it and that would only deeply hurt and anger me. People giving me any positive feedback, no matter how seemingly insignificant "Wow you are strong" when helping a friend move or "You have beautiful skin!" that stuff made me want to make positive changes because it built me up, and increased my confidence.
Everyone is different, though. But I had to add my .02 about this.0 -
I'm a little surprised at the criticism. I agree with it pretty wholeheartedly. I think leading by example is the most important thing. My mom always called herself fat and I remember declaring going on my first diet when I was six years old. No bueno. Food is fuel.
This. My mom has been a crash dieter her whole life. I don't get her insecurity but they measures she has taken to lose weight, the money she has spent on dangerous things, it has destroyed our relationship. My mom was VERY hard on me about my weight as a kid and it made me resent her. To this day all I think about her is the judgement she gave me..
I lead by example with my son. We give him healthy choices and I think a physical activity of any sort is going to be a requirement in our house. Whether it be karate, swimming, team sports, weight lifting... anything.0 -
I absolutely love this and wish I had read it before my tween age girls were talking and walking - thank you posting!!0
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Thank you for posting.0
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